Living together before marriage...

[snlee]

How do you feel about living together before marriage? Good idea? Bad idea? Thoughts?

 

[aljdewey]

I honestly don''t think there''s one *right* answer that fits everyone.

For some people, it''s a good move.....for others, not.

 

[qtiekiki]

I think it''s a good idea for the couples to live together before the marriage. That allows the couples to better understand how it feels like to live with the person, how sharing life in the same household is, and how the responsibility of the household is shared. However, sometimes when couples move in together, they get comfortable with the situation and the relationship doesn''t advance.

I think it''s best to get engaged and then move in together to get a preview of marriage life.

 

[ClownFishFunk]

I personally like the idea of moving in with each other before marriage, I think it would work for the relationship that *I* have. Is this a good move for everyone? No, its not.

Some people argue that moving in together before marriage helps you realize whether or not you could live with this person forever, however I have read statistics that have shown it doesnt have any real affect on divorce rate (that living together or not living together prior to marriage made no difference whether or not the couple got divorced). Has anyone else heard this? I find it interesting.

I''ve heard of some people moving in together earlier than marriage because it helps save them money (i.e. splitting the rent for one place as opposed to each of them paying full for two places).

I do agree with qtiekiki that for some people moving in together is a way to take the next step and then prolonging the BIG step, but only you can know whether or not that would happen in your relationship.

A good combination is generally to wait until engaged, and then move in together (still before the actual marriage).

What are your thoughts? Are you considering moving in with your fiance before marriage?

 

[Aurora Borealis]

Date: 11/22/2004 8:19

4 PM
Author: ClownFishFunk
I personally like the idea of moving in with each other before marriage, I think it would work for the relationship that *I* have. Is this a good move for everyone? No, its not.

Some people argue that moving in together before marriage helps you realize whether or not you could live with this person forever, however I have read statistics that have shown it doesnt have any real affect on divorce rate (that living together or not living together prior to marriage made no difference whether or not the couple got divorced). Has anyone else heard this? I find it interesting.

I''ve heard of some people moving in together earlier than marriage because it helps save them money (i.e. splitting the rent for one place as opposed to each of them paying full for two places).

I do agree with qtiekiki that for some people moving in together is a way to take the next step and then prolonging the BIG step, but only you can know whether or not that would happen in your relationship.

A good combination is generally to wait until engaged, and then move in together (still before the actual marriage).

What are your thoughts? Are you considering moving in with your fiance before marriage?

Hmm, those statistics aren''t working for me. Chances are, the relationships that didn''t work out as a result of moving in together probably never went to the altar, anyways. So that would make the divorce statistic flawed, right?

 

[cmcwill]

I don''t believe that people shoud live together before getting married to get a "preview" of married life. You shouldn''t be engaged if you don''t think that you could work through any living arrangement fights when you''re married! I agree that a lot of the time it makes sense monetarily to live together, but "test driving" a marriage isn''t the way to go.

Colleen

 

[qtiekiki]

I agree with Aurora Borealis that if the relationship can''t outstand moving in together, then it probably wouldn''t last as a marriage. But if the couples move in together after engagement and things don''t work out, then they can still break off the engagement. Most people don''t like the idea of breaking off engagement but it''s still better than a divorce.

I am currently living with my finance. It makes a lot sense for me to move in because I was living 300 miles away from him when we were dating. It''s just a lot easier for us to plan for our wedding and we are learning even more about each other''s living habit.

 

[Nicrez]

Agreed, living together is actually an absolute must nowadays. Most people can''t just grin and bear issues in marraige. it seems like most people don''t know what they are getting into when they get married, and so they divorce before they can blink, or they just marry the wrong person, and not living together makes that easier to happen.

The last two divorces I know of are one marraige of several months, and one of 4 years. Both women married the men thinking that "he loves me, he''s a good guy, I''m traditional and I can work things out for better or for worse". They didn''t live together, and as such remained rooted in their belief that things would just work out. They move in and all the issues crop up.

Put it this way, if you can''t stand the sound of his breathing, if you can''t take the fact that he watches tv for hours without moving, or that he doesn''t know how to organize a thing, or find the leftovers in the fridge without your help, then how will you know until you are given the chance to see?

I will admit i was always VERY traditional growing up, and never planned on living with ANYONE until I married. I couldn''t live with my parents until marraige, as I was raised in a VERy conservative and strict home, so that would mean coming home at 10pm curfews on weekends at the age of 25+... and I felt that it hindered my personal growth to do so.

BUT, when I found myself grown-up and living in my real life, I realized the importance of my living with my DF so we could get used to each other, transition our independant lives, and yes, test drive each other for the most important decision of our lives. I believe in marrying once and only once, more than I believe in keeping something sacred just for the fact that it should be, at the detriment to my own decision making...

 

[ClownFishFunk]

Date: 11/23/2004 6

3:33 AM
Author: Aurora Borealis

Date: 11/22/2004 8:19

4 PM
Author: ClownFishFunk

Some people argue that moving in together before marriage helps you realize whether or not you could live with this person forever, however I have read statistics that have shown it doesnt have any real affect on divorce rate (that living together or not living together prior to marriage made no difference whether or not the couple got divorced). Has anyone else heard this? I find it interesting.

Hmm, those statistics aren''t working for me. Chances are, the relationships that didn''t work out as a result of moving in together probably never went to the altar, anyways. So that would make the divorce statistic flawed, right?

Hmm, i think the statistics are trying to say that if you are meant to be together, then whether or not you live together before marriage, it will work out...they of course are saying it more scientifically.

Does that make sense to you? Or is it the same thing you are saying just worded differently? I think I got this info from a pretty reputable source, but of course, I could be wrong. I just think it is interesting!

 

[Girls-best-friend]

I don''t believe that people shoud live together before getting married to get a "preview" of married life. You shouldn''t be engaged if you don''t think that you could work through any living arrangement fights when you''re married! I agree that a lot of the time it makes sense monetarily to live together, but "test driving" a marriage isn''t the way to go.

Colleen

I have to completely agree with Colleen. Even if it wasn''t against my religous beliefs I would stills say if the guy or girl wants all the benefits of marriage then he will have to go through with that marriage. I would never agree to marry someone who I didn''t already know I could spend the rest of my life with, living with them, knowing what they are like when they are sick, in a bad mood,what our personal goals for the future are, who''s going to do what chores, etc. the whole nine yards.

I agree there are lots of people who don''t really know what marriage really entails but I don''t think living together is going to all of a sudden give them some great insight or maturity. That comes with time and age. Just because your engaged doesn''t mean your going to still marry that person. So waiting until he pops the question doesn''t gaurantee that he or she will go through with it. I was engaged once before and broke it off because it was a decision I was making completely with my heart alone. My head didn''t agree at all and once out of the relationship I was able to see it much more clearly and realized it was the best thing I could have ever done because once the novelty of being in love wore off we would have made each other miserable.

The statistics do show that most married couples who lived together first end up in divorce. Why I have no clue. I just don''t believe in doing a test run. If I make the commitment and say yes I will marry you then I will stick to that. It isn''t something I take lightly anyway. I have had other proposals from men that I was dating but knew that they were not the long hall guy. Now I can say since I am older and wiser I have made the right choice for my heart and head. Not test trial needed.

Yes getting proposed to is romantic and being in love is great but there is much more to it than that and those things should be thought of before you say yes not after and then say well let me see if I can live with you and then if not we go our seperate ways. Engagements are just as serious as marriage.


Sorry don''t mean to sound like I''m on a soap box and not trying to tell anyone what to do. In the end the decision is each of ours to make alone.

 

[qtiekiki]

Date: 11/29/2004 12

1

7 AM
Author: Girls-best-friend

I don''t believe that people shoud live together before getting married to get a ''preview'' of married life. You shouldn''t be engaged if you don''t think that you could work through any living arrangement fights when you''re married! I agree that a lot of the time it makes sense monetarily to live together, but ''test driving'' a marriage isn''t the way to go.

Colleen

I have to completely agree with Colleen. Even if it wasn''t against my religous beliefs I would stills say if the guy or girl wants all the benefits of marriage then he will have to go through with that marriage. I would never agree to marry someone who I didn''t already know I could spend the rest of my life with, living with them, knowing what they are like when they are sick, in a bad mood,what our personal goals for the future are, who''s going to do what chores, etc. the whole nine yards.

I agree there are lots of people who don''t really know what marriage really entails but I don''t think living together is going to all of a sudden give them some great insight or maturity. That comes with time and age. Just because your engaged doesn''t mean your going to still marry that person. So waiting until he pops the question doesn''t gaurantee that he or she will go through with it. I was engaged once before and broke it off because it was a decision I was making completely with my heart alone. My head didn''t agree at all and once out of the relationship I was able to see it much more clearly and realized it was the best thing I could have ever done because once the novelty of being in love wore off we would have made each other miserable.

The statistics do show that most married couples who lived together first end up in divorce. Why I have no clue. I just don''t believe in doing a test run. If I make the commitment and say yes I will marry you then I will stick to that. It isn''t something I take lightly anyway. I have had other proposals from men that I was dating but knew that they were not the long hall guy. Now I can say since I am older and wiser I have made the right choice for my heart and head. Not test trial needed.

Yes getting proposed to is romantic and being in love is great but there is much more to it than that and those things should be thought of before you say yes not after and then say well let me see if I can live with you and then if not we go our seperate ways. Engagements are just as serious as marriage.


Sorry don''t mean to sound like I''m on a soap box and not trying to tell anyone what to do. In the end the decision is each of ours to make alone.

Like you said, a lot of people don''t know what marriage really entail. I am not making a claim that living together will give you great insight or maturity. I just think there are lots of people out there who are not ready for marriage life but dream about being proposed to. Living together is definitely not the same as a marriage but at least it provides a chance for the couples to learn to live with each other. By learning to live with each other, I mean to learn to compromise,and to communicate. I am not to say that couples don''t learn to compromise and communicate in their relationship, but I think a marriage requires a lot more work than a relationship (there are more issues to deal with). I am not suggesting that couples move in together just to see if they can live together but rather living together to learn to compromise and communicate to solve problems/issues that might arise as a result of living together.

I agree that engagement are as serious as marriage. Sometimes people might think they want to be proposed to and want to get married when they aren''t ready, and I just don''t think it would be a good idea to just stay engaged (just like you didn''t think so either and broke off your previous engagement). I just find it a little strange for you to think it was ok that you broke of your engagement and not think that it''s ok for others. I don''t think anyone is taking an engagement lightly, but instead people make wrong decisions and I think that''s ok as long as everyone are honest. You learned from your mistakes, so why can''t others? It''s not about a test trial; it''s the same idea that you had when you broke off your engagement (maybe "once the novelty of being in love wore off, we would have made each other miserable). For some people, it might take living together to figure that out and you can''t judge them with that.

One thing for sure, you and I agreed that there isn''t one set of situations that work for everyone (and I am sure many others feel the same way).

 

[Girls-best-friend]

By learning to live with each other, I mean to learn to compromise,and to communicate.I am not to say that couples don't learn to compromise and communicate in their relationship, but I think a marriage requires a lot more work than a relationship (there are more issues to deal with).

This is excatly what I mean. Marriages don't break down because no one washed the dishes or supper isn't prepared. They break down because of lack of communication. Most couples never discuss what their expectations, dreams and goals are not only before they get married but before you even get engaged. Yeah ok so you love this person great love is a good necessary thing but do you want to, not just spend the rest of your life with a person but share and meld your life with this other person. This I feel should be discussed while you are dating as boyfriend and girlfriend not wait until after you have fallen deeply in love ( it can cloud your judgment) and made a commitment to another person.

Are your goals the same ( do you both want to continue living in the same state, do you expect a stay at home mom, how many children do you want if any, how do you raise children, career wise what do you want to be doing in 10 years, how much input do you think inlaws should still have in your relationship etc.) These are just some of the questions that should be answered before a life long commitment ( that for me begins with being engaged) is even made.

My first time being engaged was like most it was about the love and the being together. Not the day to day life. Thankfully for me I did start to have intense communication with the person I agreed to spend my life with and found out there are so many ways that we are not compataible. And yes there are some things that you can compromise on but there are others that you cannot without changing who you are and what your heart truly wants for your life. Marriage will not change those traits or desires. So make sure you are with someone who accepts those things about you and want those same things.

I found out all these things with my ex without living with him. How with communication and honesty. You don't have to live with a person in order to truly know if you can live with that person. ( because honestly whether or not he squeezed the toothpaste from the bottom or top is a small thing in life. Yeah it may urk your nerves especially when you have asked him not to do it a certain way, but in comparison with how he handles the really important issues in life it is a small thing.) Lots of people don't live together before marriage and they stay married. According to statistics those who did live together first don't stay married. If the statistics are correct I would have to say just because they lived together doesn't mean they learned all that much about what a marriage is and how to make it work. A big part of surving marriage is about balance. Balancing out whether it is worth getting so upset about this one thing he is doing now, when you relate this one act at this one point in time with all the other great acts done as a husband. Playing married is very different than actually being married. Living together you know you can up and leave when you are ready. If some things come along that you don't like FOR SOME there is no extra incentive to try and truly make it work because hey we aren't married. (Not that all married people do either they can be just as quick to leave a marriage) but for most they usually try and make it work first.)

I just find it a little strange for you to think it was ok that you broke of your engagement and not think that it's ok for others.

This is what I said [then say well let me see if I can live with you and then if not we go our seperate ways.]

Truth of life is engagements can break up. I am just saying most people say they want to live together first to see if they CAN be married to this person. When in fact that gage should have been set on high and decided before you proposed or excepted a proposal. You can live with someone and still not talk about all those things that are necessary to make a quality decision of can I be married to this person forever. I'ts not the act of living together that is going to make or break the relationship its the type communication the two of you have.

You learned from your mistakes, so why can't others? It's not about a test trial; it's the same idea that you had when you broke off your engagement (maybe "once the novelty of being in love wore off, we would have made each other miserable). For some people, it might take living together to figure that out and you can't judge them with that.

Excatly I did learn and I didn't have to live with the man to know that marrying him would have been a mistake. I didn't need to test out the living arrangements because we finally started talking about the things that really make a difference in a successful marriage. I'ts not the being around him all the time morning noon and night that will let me know if I can deal with forever till death us do part its the tallking and getting to know everything about him inside to the core and out. Living together won't get me there talking will. I knew this man since we were teenagers we dated then and years later ran into each other again began dating. To this day we are still good friends. However he would not have made a good husband for me and I would not have made a good wife for him. There were some very important issues/characteristics in life that we were just complete opposites on. I learned that by talking to him and really seeing how he saw life, how his past made him who he was and why he thought/saw and felt the way he did about certain things.

I have only given my opinion on the subject just as everyone else has, haven't judged anyone or their relationship. Like I said besides my religous beliefs on not living together before marriage I don't intend to give any man the benefits of marriage without that commitment already signed sealed and delivered. For me it also has alot to do with my husband knowing that I haven't shared in a married lifestyle with any other man (him included). I am not talking about sex although that could be included if you choose not to have sex with him (virgin or not) before marriage. Its about saving something that is very special for the one that you say I do too. That bond that comes with living together and the commitment that you want to make with this one person and no other. That is intense and I feel should be something that you are at least 89% or more sure you want with this person before propose or say yes I will marry you. Had I had this insight before when I was younger I would never have accepted his proposal just as I have turned down others since his..Those guys were very nice and I cared about them but I knew I didn't want or couldn't make forever work with them. I'm older and wiser now and have started to look at marriage from more than the oh I love him/her so much, isn't he/ so handsome/beautiful point of view. Which is important but shouldn't be the #1 reason for saying yes. My HTB and I discussed what our goals and thoughts on how marriage should work and what we expect from our spouse and how clean or not clean we are etc. all while in the dating stage. I think knowing all of those things and areas that we were so compatible in (the ones that some say come out once your married) helped us towards falling in love with each other. I can remember thinking wow this guy has all the qualities I would want in a husband before we even got serious.

The orginal question was

How do you feel about living together before marriage? Good idea? Bad idea? Thoughts?

I think it is a bad idea and have stated my thoughts on why I would not do so.

Like I said before

Sorry don't mean to sound like I'm on a soap box and not trying to tell anyone what to do. In the end the decision is each of ours to make alone.

 

[verticalhorizon]

I concur with most of what''s been said. Generally...

1. co-habitation prior to marriage should not be a "try-before-you-buy" situation.

That''s not to say that you should or you shouldn''t. But you should have realistic and honest expectations if you do. If you make it to getting engaged, with the assumption that co-habitation is the last mile before bailing, then your head''s probably not in the right place. If you move in honestly with the intention of living happily ever after AND THEN you realize something horrible, then you''ve avoided disaster. Is it a thin line? Sure.

2. co-habitation is good for monetary reasons. Rent, mortgages, bills, WEDDINGS... they all require money. Consolidation where you can makes sense.

3. the divorce rate statistics ARE skewed. There''s no real way to determine how any one couple would have ended up had they lived or not lived together prior to marriage. Unless you built a time machine. The numbers support whoever is cruching those numbers.

I personally can''t imagine not getting married to FutureMrsVH, despite any and all domestic issues. It would take A LOT to sink this ship.

Rockit!

 

[northstar_78]

There is no one-size-fits-all answer to this question...and there''s no right or wrong answer either! Although I haven''t "moved" in with my bf I do spend as much time at his apartment as my own. We both work long hours, and travel a lot for business, so what''s important for us is to figure out how to get as much quality time with each other as possible. Yes, financially it might work out better if we just moved into one apartment together, but right now it''s a moot point...we spend our evenings together anyway.

One of my family members said that she would definetly move in with her significant other first because "what if he puts his toothbrush on the wrong side of the sink or something?" So what?!?! What if he goes bald five years later? Would you want out of the relationship? I''ve heard a lot of "you should travel with your boyfriend first" too...and the reason behind that is because you would see how he reacts when he''s stressed...whoa...that happens all the time!!

It seems that living together with someone before getting married is a good way to "figure" them out...or save money...but that''s not the point of committment!! If you love someone you will accept them for what they are, and if your significant other has problems you will deal with them together. The issue of money is a little tricky...the world we live in is so expensive, but ask yourself this, if you or your significant other suddendly became broke, what would happen? If you loved each other you would still try to stay together anyway, right?

I was at the wedding of two of our friends, and a guest who I didn''t know asked me out of the blue why I would get married to my boyfriend. My answer had nothing to do with money, or weird habits. I just told her that I loved him, and wanted to spend more time with him...the rest of my life would''t be too shabby either!

 

[i_like_tiffany_please_dont_hate_me]

I will admit i was always VERY traditional growing up, and never planned on living with ANYONE until I married. I couldn''t live with my parents until marraige, as I was raised in a VERy conservative and strict home, so that would mean coming home at 10pm curfews on weekends at the age of 25+... and I felt that it hindered my personal growth to do so.

what exactly is there to do after 10pm anyway???

 

[JCJD]

Date: 12/22/2004 2:49:16 PM
Author: diamondgeezer

I will admit i was always VERY traditional growing up, and never planned on living with ANYONE until I married. I couldn''t live with my parents until marraige, as I was raised in a VERy conservative and strict home, so that would mean coming home at 10pm curfews on weekends at the age of 25+... and I felt that it hindered my personal growth to do so.

what exactly is there to do after 10pm anyway???

I don''t think this was her point. The fact that her parents did not trust her to be a responsible 25+ old restricted her opportunity to find herself as an adult because they didn''t treat her as an adult. Being out and about after 10pm is something an adult should be able to decide for themselves.

At least in my area, movies often begin after 10pm, and if you want to see The Incredibles, or Shrek without small crying children everywhere, you have to go to the late night showings.


IMHO, if living together is used as a way to "test" the relationship, or "try marriage on for size", I think it is wrong. Otherwise, people should make educated decisions openly with their partner.