Life Changes aka Crossroads

[Missy]

I know many PSers have dealt and are currently dealing with major changes in life. Intentional and unintentional. I thought it might be helpful to start a thread discussing how others adapt successful to major changes in life.

If you could and don't mind sharing would you please share your experiences with us and tell us how you dealt with the change and made it a positive hopeful change and one that improved your quality of life.

My thoughts on change (right now at least) are relatively straightforward.

It is OK to be emotional and vulnerable and you need to give yourself permission to feel what you feel without being hard on yourself.

You need to share with people you are close to so they can be there for you if that is what you want.

And you need to be able to ask for what you want and need from others. From loved ones and professionals if necessary. You often have to reach out to others (depending on what you are dealing with) to help you heal and become stronger and move forward.

And ultimately change doesn't change who you are as a person but it makes you a better version of you. Makes you stronger and wiser and allows you to see things from a different perspective. We can adapt to almost anything I think but ultimately being positive and hopeful is key to adapting successfully all the while allowing yourself to mourn (if that is how you feel) your "old" life.

Thanks and sorry for all the C and H additions but I couldn't resist adding these snips of wisdom. I LOVE these little fellas and Bill Watterson rocks.

 

[Scandinavian]

A big leap of faith and a rather large practical jump in the same direction usually gets me where I need to go. I don't mean to sound superficial. I know grieve and loss is not that easy. But for me, wallowing only makes it much worse. So I always try to find a practical way forward, regardless of emotional, personal, work or other issues facing me. And then I take the dog for a long run. It does not make everything OK, but at least it helps.

 

[ksinger]

The real strain on one's ability to adapt comes not with change per se, but with the speed of the changes, and when all changes are losses of some kind. In my case there is almost no one in my real life who "gets it". And while "allowing" yourself to be vulnerable and ask for help is maybe a good thing, it's also depressing as hell to have to ask for help all the time.

There is a very very very small invitation-only forum that I'm a member of, and that is a resolutely declared puppy fart and unicorn free zone and where profanity is pretty much encouraged. It is helpful to be somewhere where the denizens do get it, and don't require that you make them comfortable with your problems. I find that much more helpful in adapting, than being falsely positive when I don't feel that way. I think too many problems are actually exacerbated by being positive. You're not supposed to feel great about some things, and society's insistence that that is what's going to get your through, and intense discomfort when you're not positive enough to suit, is a huge burden.

So my take? Both loved ones and so-called professionals, are mostly worthless for helping one to come to grip with the losses. The only people who can help are those who have experienced similar. When those people are not in abundance, the interwebs can be a life saver.

 

[dk168]

A life coach commented about my resilience and ability to come out of a change curve in relative short time in the past.
On reflection she was right.
I would put it down to parental guidance; having witnessed certain events within my own and extended families; being sent to another country for schooling in a boarding school at the age of 14 to fend for myself most of the time since that age, etc. etc...
The result is a fiercely independent spirit yet positive in outlook in life.
When life deals me with a bad hand, I would remind myself there are those who are worse off than me.
Life goes on and does not stop because something unpleasant has happened to me.
Don't dwell on the past as the past cannot be changed.
Look forward into the future as I can make a difference to my future.
Care less about what others may do, and concentrate on my own actions and reactions.
No point in being bitter, jealous, envious, resentful etc., as negativity is wasted energy and destructive.
I do not have time for negative people whose glasses are half empty, as they suck the life out of me.
I am where I am of my own choosing, made every single decisions along the way. I am happy with my lot.
Very few things are constant, and people and relationships change. Friends come and go.
Learn from mistakes of the past, however do not be afraid to make new mistakes.
Nothing ventured nothing gained.
Better to experience rejections and failures than to live a life of "what if's".
Sing the line in My Way at the top of my voice: Regrets, I've had a few, but then again, too few too mention...
OK, so I am in a financial pickle again, my own doing, of course, and I shall get out of this mess eventually. It is only a temporary set back.
And I have a good job that I enjoy, a roof over my head, pets that love me unconditionally, a circle of friends to keep me sane and care about me, have fun outside work, and a new car that I enjoy driving, etc. etc., and am in relative good health to enjoy it all.
Life is grand and I count my blessings all the time, and am grateful for my lot.
Living and enjoying life in the present as life is too short to do so otherwise.

DK

 

[Tekate]

Well, for me change was usually thrust upon me not something I wanted.

When things happened (divorce, death, job loss) I just basically got up every morning and said today I can get thru it, tomorrow? not sure but it's all about today.

I sought out social worker/psychologist(s) to help me through these things, and without a doubt, they always helped me or I found another.

I always got a little bit more understanding of where I came from emotionally and where I was going. Without doubt, every change I went through, albeit very painful many of them, I came out of the tunnel with better insight into me, where I was going and what I needed in life.. it can take years and years though.

Another thing that I had to learn was acceptance, accepting say the fact that my exhusband didn't want to be married to me, never really wanted to marry me and it should have ended 14 years before it did.. that acceptance took years and years. With change often comes guilt, the thing about guilt is to not stay in the feelings of guilt, because guilt will not let you move on.. getting thru the guilt for me was a really clincher onto being a better me.

I also recommend mood enhancer drugs if prescribed, this worked very well for me and one can taper off when one feels as though they don't need them.

Just put one foot and then another down and keep on moving. It's very hard.. but so worth it.

 

[dk168]

Forgot to mention I do not have a victim mentality, however I accept I cannot win every war or battle.
As someone dear to me advised: treat life events like a dog - if you can't eat it, play with it or hump it, p1$$ on it and walk away.
When there is a change, I can either accept or reject, based on a risk assessment/evaluation. Once the decision is made, move on.

DK

 

[ksinger]

Oh, somewhat tangential, but since positivity is not my strong suit these days and being a curmudgeon is, here is a link to a site with "empathy" cards for people with serious illness. The merest slice of a market just waiting to be tapped.

https://emilymcdowell.com/blogs/all/105537926-empathy-cards-for-serious-illness

 

[rainwood]

Oh, somewhat tangential, but since positivity is not my strong suit these days and being a curmudgeon is, here is a link to a site with "empathy" cards for people with serious illness. The merest slice of a market just waiting to be tapped.

https://emilymcdowell.com/blogs/all/105537926-empathy-cards-for-serious-illness

@ksinger - I love those cards!! There are a few I'm going to order for sure. I've had serious back to back to back losses, some to cancer, and I agree that the positivity police can often do more harm than good. What speaks to me is often the dark, dark humor that you understand and find funny only if you've been forced to go to those dark, dark places. And I can tell from your posts that you've been there too.

 

[AGBF]

I am reading this thread, but feel detached from it. It is as if I feel I never went through any life changes, but I know that I have.

I just returned from a short (about three days) trip to Virginia. (I live in Connecticut with my adult, mentally ill, daughter.) When I was in Virginia I visited my former next door neighbors. I say former neighbors because I no longer live in the house I own there with my husband. I used to be extremely close to the wife.

My neighbors had a "new" friend over to use their pool. She was a bit older than we are, about 80, but she and I started to discuss our relationship with our fathers and what it was like to lose them. (That is because my father died relatively recently, on May 16). Both our fathers died at age 96. This woman said that no man had ever loved her the way her father had. Our mutual friend (my next door neighbor), asked with shock, "Really? Not even your husband?" (My next door neighbor grew up without a father and her mother was a lesbian.)

The friend and I were really on the same wave length. Since my father died every so often I think about what it was like to have two parents who loved me. I do not feel loved or cherished by anyone now.

I know my daughter needs me. She clings to me. And I do not often think about missing my parents. But once in a while I remember being cherished.

Deb

 

[Gussie]

Oh, somewhat tangential, but since positivity is not my strong suit these days and being a curmudgeon is, here is a link to a site with "empathy" cards for people with serious illness. The merest slice of a market just waiting to be tapped.

https://emilymcdowell.com/blogs/all/105537926-empathy-cards-for-serious-illness

@ksinger - I love those cards!! There are a few I'm going to order for sure. I've had serious back to back to back losses, some to cancer, and I agree that the positivity police can often do more harm than good. What speaks to me is often the dark, dark humor that you understand and find funny only if you've been forced to go to those dark, dark places. And I can tell from your posts that you've been there too.

I ordered quite a few of these cards and have given them to a few friends who have been seriously ill or had other major crap going on. Everyone has laughed at the honesty and I think they are way better than the euphemism in most cards. When someone loses a job, gets a divorce, or gets ill, does anyone really say, "it all happens for a reason." No one wants to hear that!

 

[Missy]

Love those cards Karen thank you for linking them. And thank you for sharing your hard earned wisdom. I completely agree with what you wrote. It is critical to allow yourself feel what you are feeling and not force yourself to be upbeat and positive if you are feeling down. I am also not an upbeat cheerful person though from my posts it might seem like I am. Humor has always been a good way to help me through challenging situations. Dark humor, edgy humor wherever you can see the humor. It helps.

Deb what you wrote really resonates with me. I am so sorry about your dad and so sorry you don't feel loved cherished anymore now that he is gone. I know it is absolutely not even close to the same thing but we love and adore you here. (((Hugs))).

Scandi yes much in life requires that leap of faith and it doesn't make you sound anywhere near superficial saying that. And yes to exercise. It helps me too. Just moving and getting some of those endorphins pumping helps keep me sane at times when I feel everything is falling apart.

DK being grateful for all the good that one does have goes a long way. You are a strong person.

Kate, yes to being able to accept the change before one can fully embrace it and start living their new "normal". And one foot in front of the other one day at a time. Not looking too far ahead. Thanks for sharing and sorry you have been through challenging times.

Rainy yes and thank you. Looking forward to it.

Ceg damn right. No one wants to hear those platitudes and the one about things happen for a reason. Grrrr I hate that one most of all probably.

 

[Jambalaya]

Missy, what a wonderful thread!

I'm midlife and have seen so many deaths and marriage break-ups, and friendships buckling under the strain (mine and others') that this is a very pertinent topic to me.

I've had two losses that have absolutely crushed me, plus a series of minor ones, and I can say that nothing and no one helped except the slow passage of time. The ve-ry slow passage of time.

I totally agree with those cancer cards, and I agree that making someone feel bad that they are not more positive when they have been in the depths of despair is not helpful. And yes, people really do tell you that "it happens for a reason." Yeah, the reason being that mammograms were only 2D in the early Nineties! And yes, those people deserve punching!

I have found most people to be exquisitely useless in the worst times of my life, including therapists. You HAVE to talk to someone who's been through the same/similar thing - I totally agree with whoever said that.

I lost my parents and my marriage when I was still young enough for everyone around me to (mostly) still have both parents and intact marriages, and it was deeply, desperately lonely, for YEARS. Again, nothing helped except time. Some friends drifted away from me during those times, but I made new ones who were more suited to the updated me - because going through those things does change you. I mean, the essence of who you are doesn't change, but you develop a lot. I used to have this very negative friend, and I was always able to brush it off - in fact, I never even really noticed her negativity. But after my own life fell apart, listening to someone moan and moan about nothing when she had two healthy loving parents and a solid relationship was pretty sickening. Actually, she was the one who drifted away and I was upset at the time, but now I think the sloughing off of old friendships was necessary because my experiences pushed me forward, while she was still the same - lucky yet moaning.

I completely agree with what Deb said about parents and cherishing. When my dad died I lost the last person who was truly interested in me, and who had known me all my life. It's a weird feeling, knowing there's no one left who loves you that much just for being who you are. I guess we all have to face that someday.

Like Tekate, accepting that my ex-husband simply didn't want me and simply wasn't interested in me anymore was also hard. That break-up and the break-ups of friends who were so happy for many years shook my faith in romantic relationships. What I learned is that people are completely unpredictable. One friend, her husband is unrecognizable as the person he was when they got married. They had eight happy years and then a stranger seemed to take up residence in his body. And my ex was once very much in love with me, and I didn't change. I honestly think that you trust these relationships at your peril.

With no parents and no partner, I have truly found that a wide circle of friends and being part of a community is a great way to have a full and happy life.

 

[OreoRosies86]

I have to be honest Deb, that made me burst into tears. I'm so sorry you feel that way.

 

[marcy]

Great thread Missy. I love the C&H comics; they are perfect for this subject.

I would like to think the struggles, challenges and losses I've had in my life made me stronger and wiser. Maybe to the outside world anyway but it doesn't seem so in my mind. The major ones certainly changed me. Each one makes we withdraw, deny, contemplate then I try to find some humor or a spark of rebellion against the situation to get me going again. I hope I always try to look on the bright side and like DK mentioned there are always people way worse off than me. I keep that in perspective.

The longer any of us live the more changes, strife, heartache and loss we'll have. I often think of one of those things I read on Facebook how dealing with grief and loss comes in waves but they wouldn't change any part of their life because they had the joy of knowing and loving those people.

I also believe those bumps in the roads or cliffs we fell off (or got pushed off) all shaped us in to the person we are today.

 

[LLJsmom]

A life coach commented about my resilience and ability to come out of a change curve in relative short time in the past.
On reflection she was right.
I would put it down to parental guidance; having witnessed certain events within my own and extended families; being sent to another country for schooling in a boarding school at the age of 14 to fend for myself most of the time since that age, etc. etc...
The result is a fiercely independent spirit yet positive in outlook in life.
When life deals me with a bad hand, I would remind myself there are those who are worse off than me.
Life goes on and does not stop because something unpleasant has happened to me.
Don't dwell on the past as the past cannot be changed.
Look forward into the future as I can make a difference to my future.
Care less about what others may do, and concentrate on my own actions and reactions.
No point in being bitter, jealous, envious, resentful etc., as negativity is wasted energy and destructive.
I do not have time for negative people whose glasses are half empty, as they suck the life out of me.
I am where I am of my own choosing, made every single decisions along the way. I am happy with my lot.
Very few things are constant, and people and relationships change. Friends come and go.
Learn from mistakes of the past, however do not be afraid to make new mistakes.
Nothing ventured nothing gained.
Better to experience rejections and failures than to live a life of "what if's".
Sing the line in My Way at the top of my voice: Regrets, I've had a few, but then again, too few too mention...
OK, so I am in a financial pickle again, my own doing, of course, and I shall get out of this mess eventually. It is only a temporary set back.
And I have a good job that I enjoy, a roof over my head, pets that love me unconditionally, a circle of friends to keep me sane and care about me, have fun outside work, and a new car that I enjoy driving, etc. etc., and am in relative good health to enjoy it all.
Life is grand and I count my blessings all the time, and am grateful for my lot.
Living and enjoying life in the present as life is too short to do so otherwise.

DK

One of my closest friends who has gone through A LOT and had the same beliefs and attitude as you, and she has always come out the other side in a better place than before. Kudos to you @drk14

 

[LLJsmom]

I'm terrible at dealing with anything. I just don't. I do anything I can to deny, ignore and avoid. Then it hits and I cannot run away any longer. Then I deal and then I shut it out again. I move forward and HATE looking back. I focus on the now, and the next 24 hours and maybe the next week and on happy things. Negative? Worries? Won't go there until it's in my face and can't run away. I'm not even sure if I answered your question Missy. Oh, and how has it changed me? Don't know if they have. I just get through them and move on. I don't look back.

 

[AGBF]

I have to be honest Deb, that made me burst into tears. I'm so sorry you feel that way.

I had no idea it would affect anyone that way. You are a darling, Elliot. But, I knew that. Thank you for telling me. I am OK 99.99% of the time!!!

Big hugs!!!
(((Elliot)))
Deb

 

[AGBF]

Deb what you wrote really resonates with me. I am so sorry about your dad and so sorry you don't feel loved cherished anymore now that he is gone. I know it is absolutely not even close to the same thing but we love and adore you here. (((Hugs))).

Thank you so much, missy. I always know you are there!

Hugs,
Deb

 

[AGBF]

I lost my parents and my marriage when I was still young enough for everyone around me to (mostly) still have both parents and intact marriages, and it was deeply, desperately lonely, for YEARS.

...​

I completely agree with what Deb said about parents and cherishing. When my dad died I lost the last person who was truly interested in me, and who had known me all my life. It's a weird feeling, knowing there's no one left who loves you that much just for being who you are. I guess we all have to face that someday.

You have had a very hard row to hoe, Jambalaya. It is remarkable that you are such a positive person after all that you have been through. I do wish that I had been your friend through the difficult years, however. I am sorry you had such a hard life.

Hugs,
Deb

 

[Missy]

Thanks for the additional replies and thoughts.

Jambalaya I agree. One doesn't need a romantic partner to enjoy one's life. Fulfilling relationships and connections are what is important and there is no one way only to have a good life. You have dealt with so much and you are a strong woman.

Marcy yes I wouldn't change a thing despite the heartache and loss. Not having known and loved the people and animals I shared part of my life with is not an option I would have liked. So despite the horrible pain and ache of losing my loved ones that is part of life. And we keep them alive in our memories. Bittersweet.

LLJsmom yes I am like that as well. As much as I try to be proactive it sometimes backfires and the best way to deal with some things is face to face when you have to. I hate change but I am working on being more flexible and a roll with the punches type of mentality as I get older because I see it can at times be the best way to be. If one thinks too far ahead you can outsmart yourself if you kwim and many things don't come to fruition. So while I still like to be prepared one cannot prepare ahead for many things.

The key to surviving stressful events is as simple sometimes just to keep putting one foot in front of the other one day, one hour, at a time. Sometimes that is the best one can do and just wait till time heals one's wounds at least a bit to make more progress. Honestly there are times when just waking up and facing the day one hour at a time is a success story depending on what one is dealing with. Hugs to everyone dealing with trauma and illness and stressful change and cheers to the support and comfort of loved ones to help one through challenging times.

 

[ksinger]

@ksinger - I love those cards!! There are a few I'm going to order for sure. I've had serious back to back to back losses, some to cancer, and I agree that the positivity police can often do more harm than good. What speaks to me is often the dark, dark humor that you understand and find funny only if you've been forced to go to those dark, dark places. And I can tell from your posts that you've been there too.

Oh YEAH. Gallows humor is a specialty of mine these days. That and an acquired form of frankness that can cause most people to squirm. I usually refrain though, and put a damper on me being a .... damper. Ha!

 

[Tekate]

Thank you Missy! you make me happy when I read your thoughts and see your jewlery. I wish we all didn't have to go thru these changes, but we do. hugs to you!

Kate, yes to being able to accept the change before one can fully embrace it and start living their new "normal". And one foot in front of the other one day at a time. Not looking too far ahead. Thanks for sharing and sorry you have been through challenging times.

 

[Calliecake]

@AGBF Deb, I hope you know how much you are loved here and that we are ALWAYS here for you no matter what life throws at you. hugs, Callie

 

[AGBF]

@AGBF

Deb, I hope you know how much you are loved here and that we are ALWAYS here for you no matter what life throws at you. hugs, Callie

Thanks. You are much beloved, too, Callie. And a lot less controversial!!!

(((Calliecake)))
Deb

 

[Missy]

Thank you Missy! you make me happy when I read your thoughts and see your jewlery. I wish we all didn't have to go thru these changes, but we do. hugs to you!

Aww Kate, thank you! And right back at ya. I always enjoy seeing what you share with us and you are a big part of what makes PS a lovely place to be. (((Hugs))).

 

[Jambalaya]

You have had a very hard row to hoe, Jambalaya. It is remarkable that you are such a positive person after all that you have been through. I do wish that I had been your friend through the difficult years, however. I am sorry you had such a hard life.

Hugs,
Deb

Deb, that is such a lovely thing to say. Thank you.

 

[Jambalaya]

Thanks for the additional replies and thoughts.

Jambalaya I agree. One doesn't need a romantic partner to enjoy one's life. Fulfilling relationships and connections are what is important and there is no one way only to have a good life. You have dealt with so much and you are a strong woman.

Missy, thank you so much. Means a lot to me. Hugs xxx

 

[blingmeupscotty]

Let's go deep.. seems like a good day to do this.. So I'll jump into the pool. I was originally drawn to your threads because of that massive rock you're wearing! lol. The finger coverage called to me like a siren into the wind, and here I landed. Your ring is so beyond by the way, I have no words.

So .. we all have a sense of self. Some of us are older souls, some of us are younger souls. We all have core beliefs. Planners, thinkers, doers. I resonate with universal laws and truths. The human condition changes drastically every 10-12 years. Think back over every decade of your life [or in 10-12 year increments] and piece together your puzzle. Nothing happens without a reason, there is a lesson in everything [weather for you or someone else], and everything in this life revolves around cause and effect. The world and everything in it remains on a balance sheet. Karma is the accountant, and the books will always balance. You have no control beyond your tiny space. Sadness and grief are part of the experience. Embrace them, embrace who you are in the physical. The hardest lesson of all is to love yourself. That's what I've learned. I'm mid life, and I have only just begun to set the world on fire. That is how I deal with transition. Change is good. It's always good. It doesn't mean we'll like it. But there is a lesson in it, always.

 

[Missy]

Let's go deep.. seems like a good day to do this.. So I'll jump into the pool. I was originally drawn to your threads because of that massive rock you're wearing! lol. The finger coverage called to me like a siren into the wind, and here I landed. Your ring is so beyond by the way, I have no words.

So .. we all have a sense of self. Some of us are older souls, some of us are younger souls. We all have core beliefs. Planners, thinkers, doers. I resonate with universal laws and truths. The human condition changes drastically every 10-12 years. Think back over every decade of your life [or in 10-12 year increments] and piece together your puzzle. Nothing happens without a reason, there is a lesson in everything [weather for you or someone else], and everything in this life revolves around cause and effect. The world and everything in it remains on a balance sheet. Karma is the accountant, and the books will always balance. You have no control beyond your tiny space. Sadness and grief are part of the experience. Embrace them, embrace who you are in the physical. The hardest lesson of all is to love yourself. That's what I've learned. I'm mid life, and I have only just begun to set the world on fire. That is how I deal with transition. Change is good. It's always good. It doesn't mean we'll like it. But there is a lesson in it, always.

Thank you blingmeupscotty for your lovely compliment re Bea and for your sage thoughts. From one old soul to another (my guess is you are an old soul too but please correct me if I am wrong) thank you.

 

[Sunstorm]

I get up and run full power and then I fall again, not very surprising since it is like trying to run with a broken leg but at least I am still running. The one thing I can thank my parents for is that they were very tough with me. So I will always get up as long as I have limbs. I unfortunately disagree that no man can love me like my father, well, you are a lucky person if you think so. Some of us were not so lucky. I enjoy the moment, the beauty of life, the small things in life like a cup of coffee, my morning make up, the jewelry, the designs, the sunshine, a nice conversation with a friend, feeling loved and loving back, I find a positive moment in each day, a positive vibe, something to be happy for. Do not think, just go on, life will show you the way, it always does. If you want to think consciously, if a change hits you hard, that will take time to be able to face it, then do so to better yourself, to find the path for a better life but always remember that even when you think you have nothing to be happy about, there is always something, it is up to you to find it. Life is not about the end result, that is the same for all of us, but about the journey and what we learnt and how we grew as souls. Just what I think in short because dealing with change is an internal process, one that no one else can tell you how exactly to deal with. Find your daily routines of stability that will lift your mood, drink your coffee, buy special coffee for once, stroke your cats, read a good book... the solution will come to you eventually, you will be surprised.