Home Lies Parents Tell Their Children

[doodle]

This was a topic on the morning radio show the other day, and one listener called in and said that when she was little and acting up, her father would tell her, "If you don''t behave yourself, I''ll untie your belly button and your BUTT will fall off!!" Being as I have a sick and twisted sense of humor, this makes me laugh until tears stream down my face every time I think about it. Anybody got any particularly wacky stories they''re willing to share?

As for myself, the first thing that came to mind was actually something I told my little brother when we were kids. I told him that he could breathe through his butt when swimming, and if he just kept his butt above water, he''d be able to stay under longer. Unfortunately, I told him this while he was learning how to swim, so my now 24 year old brother still swims with his butt hiked up above the water because that''s just how he learned to swim, and for the life of me, I can''t even figure out how he''s able to get around like that!

 

[jewelz617]

The only "lie" I can really recall is when I asked where babies come from. I was probably 6 or 7 and my mom told me that when a man and a woman fall in love, the woman''s guardian angel plants a seed in her heart and it grows into a baby.

For YEARS I accepted this as total fact. Like, until I was about to enter junior high school.

 

[steph72276]

I tell my son to stop whining b/c Santa is watching...I usually start this one around September when the stores get their trees in

 

[packrat]

I can''t think of anything my oh wait, yes I can. Sigh. My dad has a mustache. I''ve never known him to not have it. When we were little my brother and I used to ask him to shave it off. He would always say no b/c it''s his flavor savor. Mom used to tell us that dad didn''t have an upper lip and he just grew his nose hair really long to cover it. Wanta guess how old I was before I figured out this was sooo not true??

 

[packrat]

Oh, and I''ve told London it''s against the law for mommies to run.

 

[Haven]

I''m sure my parents told us lots of lies, but the only one I can think of for now is this:

Whenever we were traveling in the car and one of us would ask "Are we there yet?" my parents always responded the same exact way:
"15 more minutes."

You''d think we would stop asking, but we never did.

They also typically refused to investigate our ailments unless we were bleeding. If we ever called for them and said we were hurt they''d say "Is there any blood?" If we responded "No," then they''d respond with "Then go drink some water" or "Just walk it off" and they always ended with "You''re fiiiiine." They told us water makes everything feel better.

Now whenever either DH or I hurt ourselves the other will always say "You''re fiiiine." When I text messaged him from the roller rink with "I think I just broke my arm. Can you meet me at home in 45 minutes to take me to ER?" his text back was "You''re fiiiine." It wasn''t so amusing at that moment, though, I can tell you that.

 

[jewelz617]

Date: 4/2/2010 6:38:53 PM
Author: Haven
I''m sure my parents told us lots of lies, but the only one I can think of for now is this:


Whenever we were traveling in the car and one of us would ask ''Are we there yet?'' my parents always responded the same exact way:

''15 more minutes.''


You''d think we would stop asking, but we never did.


They also typically refused to investigate our ailments unless we were bleeding. If we ever called for them and said we were hurt they''d say ''Is there any blood?'' If we responded ''No,'' then they''d respond with ''Then go drink some water'' or ''Just walk it off'' and they always ended with ''You''re fiiiiine.'' They told us water makes everything feel better.


Now whenever either DH or I hurt ourselves the other will always say ''You''re fiiiine.'' When I text messaged him from the roller rink with ''I think I just broke my arm. Can you meet me at home in 45 minutes to take me to ER?'' his text back was ''You''re fiiiine.'' It wasn''t so amusing at that moment, though, I can tell you that.

Yeah, with my parents it was aloe. Got a 3rd degree burn? Aloe. Sawed off a finger? Aloe. Mauled by a panther? Aloe.

The answer is always aloe.

 

[vespergirl]

I tell my son that places are "closed today" if it''s someplace he wants to go, but I don''t want to go there - for example, McDonalds - I usually bring him once a week as a treat, but of course he would prefer to go every day. On the other days, I just tell him it''s closed.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

The icecream van plays the little tune to let you know it''s run out of icecream.

 

[PumpkinPie]

Date: 4/2/2010 7:09:45 PM
Author: Mrs Mitchell
The icecream van plays the little tune to let you know it''s run out of icecream.

ohhhh Mrs Mitchell - that''s hilarious! and so evil

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 4/2/2010 7:14:45 PM
Author: Maevie

Date: 4/2/2010 7:09:45 PM
Author: Mrs Mitchell
The icecream van plays the little tune to let you know it''s run out of icecream.

ohhhh Mrs Mitchell - that''s hilarious! and so evil

Not as bad as the lie my friend''s parents told her - that the van playing the tunes is the fish van...

 

[Snicklefritz]

I plan to one day tell my kids, if needed, that the car literally cannot start until all passengers' seat belts are buckled. I don't have any kids yet, and I'm already planning the lies.

 

[waxing lyrical]

Date: 4/2/2010 6:44:41 PM
Author: PinkAsscher678

Date: 4/2/2010 6:38:53 PM

Author: Haven

I''m sure my parents told us lots of lies, but the only one I can think of for now is this:



Whenever we were traveling in the car and one of us would ask ''Are we there yet?'' my parents always responded the same exact way:


''15 more minutes.''



You''d think we would stop asking, but we never did.



They also typically refused to investigate our ailments unless we were bleeding. If we ever called for them and said we were hurt they''d say ''Is there any blood?'' If we responded ''No,'' then they''d respond with ''Then go drink some water'' or ''Just walk it off'' and they always ended with ''You''re fiiiiine.'' They told us water makes everything feel better.



Now whenever either DH or I hurt ourselves the other will always say ''You''re fiiiine.'' When I text messaged him from the roller rink with ''I think I just broke my arm. Can you meet me at home in 45 minutes to take me to ER?'' his text back was ''You''re fiiiine.'' It wasn''t so amusing at that moment, though, I can tell you that.

Yeah, with my parents it was aloe. Got a 3rd degree burn? Aloe. Sawed off a finger? Aloe. Mauled by a panther? Aloe.


The answer is always aloe.

LMAO. This makes me crack up.

 

[Lynnie]

Date: 4/2/2010 7:09:45 PM
Author: Mrs Mitchell
The icecream van plays the little tune to let you know it''s run out of icecream.

I cracked up at that!!!

My mom used to tell us that she had eyes in the back of her head, which were hidden by her hair. I believed it for a LONG time.
And we had clanky radiators... she used to tell us that there were little monsters running around in the pipes, and they would get us if we misbehaved.

 

[Octavia]

My parents somehow knew EVERYTHING that ever happened in my life, and whenever I would demand to know how they found out, my mom would say "my little bluebird told me." I never did find out who that damned bluebird (or more likely, bluebirds) was.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I lie and tell my daughter we don''t have any cookies in the house.

 

[jewelz617]

I tell my daughter Moose and Zee are taking a nap.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 4/2/2010 9:38:58 PM
Author: PinkAsscher678
I tell my daughter Moose and Zee are taking a nap.

Haha. That is a good one! That reminds me I do lie and say her friends are sleeping when she is whining to go play with them.

 

[Mara]

lol i haven't told our 8 week old any lies yet (that he'd remember) but two that i remember today:

--being bad would get a spanking w/ the 'belt with spikes' (though she prob called it something else) because i apparently had a butt of steel. i didn't really believe her so one day i snuck into her closet and found a metal studded belt (think 80's) and was convinced that was it.

--that i shouldn't eat those pop rocks candies because they'd explode in my mouth. i snuck them at my friends house (and every time i had them i thought i was so lucky i was still alive).

i am so using the ice cream song one... and we like the belly button one too.

 

[packrat]

When the kids are at my parents, they have to be a little quiet in the house in the afternoon/evening b/c my dad works overnights and sleeps from 2-9 or so. Mom is always saying "Shhh Grampa is sleeping" Once here at home I was shushing the kids and Trapper said "Is Grampa sleeping?" I said Ohh yes he is, so we have to be quiet and settle down so we don''t wake him up. How Grampa would hear him from 10 miles away is no concern, just so long as it works.

 

[somethingshiny]

I can''t recall any lies besides Easter bunny and Santa that I''ve told JT.

However, my parents were HUGE liars. They''d lie about anything and everything just to see if we''d believe it. Apparently, this was there amusement. A lot of it revolved around supposed punishments. And if we asked a stupid question, we got a stupid answer. I remember vividly being approximately 4 yrs old. I walked into a room and saw my mom reading and asked what she was doing. She replied, "eating a banana." So, I responded, "may I have one?" Now, the game throughout our family is to answer stupid questions with stupid answers. I''ve pulled out, "weaving a Navajo rug," and "putting up the circus tent" recently.

My parents also ignored all injuries and told us a butterfly would fix it. It didn''t matter if your toe was literally dangling precariously by a thread of skin. The correct medical intervention was a butterfly. Face sliced open with a castration blade, butterfly it. Fell down the stairs and split your head open, butterfly it. Got a stick shoved in your leg, butterfly it. And then pull out wood splinters for several years. I seriously had not been to a dr (besides as an infant) until I was 17 yrs old. My parents ensured us that they knew at least as much if not more than doctors.

Then my big brother and I picked up this twisted little scheme of lies and used it on the younger sisters. We would tell them to quit arguing with us or we''d bury them under the house with the rest of the children.

When they''d question us about our "practice" we''d simply tell them to look at how often we moved. We had to leave places once they were all full...

 

[doodle]

Date: 4/2/2010 10:16:51 PM
Author: somethingshiny

Then my big brother and I picked up this twisted little scheme of lies and used it on the younger sisters. We would tell them to quit arguing with us or we''d bury them under the house with the rest of the children.

When they''d question us about our ''practice'' we''d simply tell them to look at how often we moved. We had to leave places once they were all full...

HAHA! My brother and I convinced my little sister that she had been left in a basket on the porch and that her real name was Ethel Louise, and she was so mad for years that you couldn''t even say "Ethel" in her presence without her flipping out (she was maybe 4 at the time). Well, fast forward to when she was maybe 8. She got this doll as a gift, and the doll had a name tag. She decided she wanted to name the doll "Tiffany," so she asks mom how to spell the name. Mom, without missing a beat, goes, "E-T-H-E-L" and my sister writes it down, looks at it for a second, then goes, "I thought Tiffany started with a T!" Mom goes, "Oh, my mistake. Just write this in after it: T-E-T-H-E-L." My 21 year old sister still has Ethel Tethel to this day.

 

[PumpkinPie]

Date: 4/2/2010 7:22:17 PM
Author: Mrs Mitchell

Date: 4/2/2010 7:14:45 PM

Author: Maevie

Date: 4/2/2010 7:09:45 PM

Author: Mrs Mitchell

The icecream van plays the little tune to let you know it''s run out of icecream.

ohhhh Mrs Mitchell - that''s hilarious! and so evil

Not as bad as the lie my friend''s parents told her - that the van playing the tunes is the fish van...

suddenly I have no appetite for ice cream anymore!

 

[rockpaperscissors67]

OMG, some of these are priceless!!

My MIL had the BEST one. When SO and his sisters were little and a thunderstorm came through, MIL would tell them that they had to sit quietly so the lightning didn''t get them. I think this is an awesome way to get kids to sit down and be quiet for just a little bit!

One lie we tell our 3 year old is that if he keeps running and jumping around, the monster from downstairs will come get him. Our downstairs neighbors are a real PITA -- they will slam doors and have screaming fights all through the night, but start banging on the ceiling if we make any noise. I''m sure it''s not pleasant for them to listen to the heavy footsteps of a 3 year old that seems to weigh 400 lbs., but I get tired of their bs.

As for the kids getting hurt, my first question is "Is there blood?" If not, "You''re fine." SO seems to think that Vick''s Vapor Rub is the cure-all, much like the dad with his Windex in My Big Fat Greek Wedding. I also don''t allow the kids to miss school unless they are running a high fever or vomiting repeatedly.

 

[Pandora II]

I remember my younger sister telling my brother that she used to have *boy''s bits* too, except one day she was bad and so my mother cut them off!

My poor 6 year old brother was an angel for days before bursting into tears and begging my mother not to cut his *willy* off if he was naughty!

 

[packrat]

We got a lot of You''re fiiiiine''s too growing up. Not from dad tho, his first reaction was "There now, SEE what happens?"

When we''d be in the car, sometimes dad would wave, and we''d be looking around to see who he was waving at (10 miles of open road and no other cars to be seen) or he''d honk the horn and motion like hurry up, and we''d press our faces to the window to see what was going across the highway..never anything there so we''d ask, and dad would say it was an elephant or a moose or alligator. Shit, he STILL does this stuff..and when JD and I first got married, I had to try and explain my dad to my husband.

Anybody remember The Far Side cartoon? There''s one where a dad is yelling at his kid who is messing around instead of being in bed and he says "Be quiet Billy or I''ll summons the floating head of death!" and outside under the window is someone holding a big balloon w/a scary face drawn on it. hahahaha that kills me.

 

[Miss Sparkly]

I used to get so angry when my dad woudn''t tell me the truth about Santa. I was six years old and went to him with all my evidence in hand. The note from Santa was in his handwriting AND I found the giant platter of goodies that I put together hidden in the garage fridge. Looking back on it maybe he felt that 6 was too young to give up on Santa, I don''t know. I can''t even remember when he did give me a straight answer. All I remember is being angry that I KNEW there was no Santa but dad kept telling me that Santa didn''t have room on his sleigh, etc.

The other lie my parents told me is that a cool washcloth on your tummy will help it feel better. This is true evidence of psychological conditioning! A cool washcloth might not make anybody else''s tummy feel better, but when I''m sick, I can''t sleep without one

 

[steph72276]

OMG, Haven...I do the same thing as your parents. If Andrew tells me he got hurt, I ask "are you bleeding?" If he says no, I say "you''re fine, go get some water". I have no idea why, but this always seems to work for minor "boo boos"!

 

[Haven]

I thought of a really awful lie my parents used to tell me. Well, it wasn''t awful until my sister came along. The story:

I used to make goofy faces and cross my eyes a lot as a kid. Whenever I crossed my eyes, my mom would say "Be careful, if you do that for too long they''ll stick that way." A benign comment, right?

Well, when I was nearly five my sister was born with strabissmus. Not familiar with the term? She was CROSS-EYED! When I first saw her I was CONVINCED that she had been crossing her eyes in my mom''s tummy and that was why she came out that way. After watching her undergo eye surgeries as a baby, and then endure years of wearing a patch on one eye, you BET that I never crossed my eyes again. I was absolutely convinced that she brought that upon herself.

On another note, where''s Kenny? I thought he would have started the "Lies Children Tell Their Parents" thread by now. I''m sure we could fill PAGES up in that one.

 

[Haven]

Date: 4/3/2010 12:19:58 PM
Author: FL Steph
OMG, Haven...I do the same thing as your parents. If Andrew tells me he got hurt, I ask ''are you bleeding?'' If he says no, I say ''you''re fine, go get some water''. I have no idea why, but this always seems to work for minor ''boo boos''!

Ha ha ha. You know what? As an adult, my first reaction is to drink a lot of water whenever I''m not feeling well. Or, after I hurt myself. Coincidence? I think not. (After I broke my elbow in May I had my nephew run to buy me a water bottle from the vending machine.)

At least I''m hydrated.