Home Legal Separation: What''s the point?

[trillionaire]

Sorry, I don''t mean that offensively, I really am just wondering.

FBIL and FSIL have recently separated. It was her decision, as he was 100% opposed, but she was adamant. He has now moved home with his parents, and visits the kids on the weekend. If you are in a relationship and having trouble communicating, how does separating help? Do most separations lead to divorce, or reconciliation? I know that some states require a separation period, but I am not under the impression that their state is one of those states, so that''s not the issue here. Does anyone know of situatuations where separation helped the marriage? There was no physical abuse, no addictions, or anything like that, just regular life stuff in their case. She probably borders on being verbally/emotionally abusive (or at least a bully), and I really don''t know what to think. I am devestated for the kids, and I feel like if they get divorced, I am going to lose my ''nephew'' (her kid, not his). I feel like FBIL''s damned if he does, and damned if he doesn''t end up divorced.

Grasping at straws here, just trying to process what is going on.

Anyone with any experience or thoughts on separation and marriage would be greatly appreciated.


*I am well aware that it is not my business, and I''m not making it so, I''m moreso doing mental processing and trying to understand the thought process of separation vs. divorce*

 

[hmr_mama]

This might help:

http://www.articlesbase.com/divorce-articles/separation-vs-divorce-an-analysis-200628.html

 

[Maisie]

In some situations a bit of distance is a good thing. Not everyone is ready for divorce as soon as they split up so a legal separation protects the interests of the couple while they are trying to work out what to do next.

It may be that a bit of time apart makes the couple realise that divorce isn''t what they want and they go ahead and try counselling to see if they can work out their problems.

It is very sad for the children.

 

[megumic]

I''m sorry to hear this is happening. I''m sure it is very confusing for them right now, as well as the rest of the family.

A legal separation period usually is for the purposes of getting a divorce, but their reasons may be more practical than that. States such as NY, do not have a no-fault provision. So for a couple to divorce, there must be "grounds". Grounds include abandonment, constructive abandonment (i.e. no sex), apart for one year, adultery, and others. So, perhaps they''re in the process of being a part for one year to effectuate the divorce. Do you know if their separation agreement is formal? (like a contract, or orders from a judge)

What can often happen is that how arrangements are during the separation period, they are often continued post-divorce. i.e. if FSIL has physical custody, by the time the divorce is through it will be 2 years from now and there is no point in disrupting the children so she''ll likely keep custody.

The best thing FBIL can do is see an attorney immediately to protect his rights. Although it''s just a separation now, what is happening now can have a huge impact on his life post-divorce. So your nephew was of a previous relationship and FBIL is not his legal parent? Some courts (depending on state) see a continued relationship w/a step-parent as in the best interest of the child, particularly if there are other half-siblings that will have visitation.

Other than that, I don''t have any great advice about separation except to just be there for him and as supportive as possible.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 3/13/2010 4:54:24 PM
Author: Maisie
In some situations a bit of distance is a good thing. Not everyone is ready for divorce as soon as they split up so a legal separation protects the interests of the couple while they are trying to work out what to do next.

It may be that a bit of time apart makes the couple realise that divorce isn''t what they want and they go ahead and try counselling to see if they can work out their problems.

It is very sad for the children.

I am heartbroken for the children. The baby is less than one, and may never have a memory of her parents together as a couple. The seven year old is confused and devestated, which is made worse by the fact that FBIL does not want to be separated, so the kid sees his mom as the one to blame for all of this.

They have been to counseling, I think since before they were married. My concern is that they were doing counseling through a couple at their church, and whereas I think that there is a time and place for that, I do not think that the people who they were speaking with were qualified to deal with their issues. That is my opinion, of course, but I think that they should see a Professional who specializes in marriage and blended family issues.

Separation is very confusing for families... none of us know what to think, and FBIL is working hard to reconcile while she is stonewalling and behaving badly which is hard to hear about. I fear that if they reconcile, no one will forgive her.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 3/13/2010 5:00:49 PM
Author: megumic
I''m sorry to hear this is happening. I''m sure it is very confusing for them right now, as well as the rest of the family.

A legal separation period usually is for the purposes of getting a divorce, but their reasons may be more practical than that. States such as NY, do not have a no-fault provision. So for a couple to divorce, there must be ''grounds''. Grounds include abandonment, constructive abandonment (i.e. no sex), apart for one year, adultery, and others. So, perhaps they''re in the process of being a part for one year to effectuate the divorce. Do you know if their separation agreement is formal? (like a contract, or orders from a judge)

What can often happen is that how arrangements are during the separation period, they are often continued post-divorce. i.e. if FSIL has physical custody, by the time the divorce is through it will be 2 years from now and there is no point in disrupting the children so she''ll likely keep custody.

The best thing FBIL can do is see an attorney immediately to protect his rights. Although it''s just a separation now, what is happening now can have a huge impact on his life post-divorce. So your nephew was of a previous relationship and FBIL is not his legal parent? Some courts (depending on state) see a continued relationship w/a step-parent as in the best interest of the child, particularly if there are other half-siblings that will have visitation.

Other than that, I don''t have any great advice about separation except to just be there for him and as supportive as possible.

Thank you for your post. FBIL just moved out last weekend and no formal paperwork has been file yet. I think that he wanted to avoid it in order to demonstrate that it was not what he wanted for their relationship, but it seems that there are some valid reasons to consider doing so, and sooner than later. I sense that he is pretty overwhelmed right now, and he is parents are pretty pissed at FSIL, so he''s not in the best environment to think about all of this clearly. I''ll have FI suggest that he talks to a lawyer about his options. A consultation couldn''t hurt. Also, he''s been in the life of the step child since he was about 3, so he is the primary father figure. However, he could not adopt him because his father was not interested in relinquishing his parental rights.

 

[Maisie]

Date: 3/13/2010 5:05:40 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 3/13/2010 4:54:24 PM
Author: Maisie
In some situations a bit of distance is a good thing. Not everyone is ready for divorce as soon as they split up so a legal separation protects the interests of the couple while they are trying to work out what to do next.

It may be that a bit of time apart makes the couple realise that divorce isn''t what they want and they go ahead and try counselling to see if they can work out their problems.

It is very sad for the children.

I am heartbroken for the children. The baby is less than one, and may never have a memory of her parents together as a couple. The seven year old is confused and devestated, which is made worse by the fact that FBIL does not want to be separated, so the kid sees his mom as the one to blame for all of this.

They have been to counseling, I think since before they were married. My concern is that they were doing counseling through a couple at their church, and whereas I think that there is a time and place for that, I do not think that the people who they were speaking with were qualified to deal with their issues. That is my opinion, of course, but I think that they should see a Professional who specializes in marriage and blended family issues.

Separation is very confusing for families... none of us know what to think, and FBIL is working hard to reconcile while she is stonewalling and behaving badly which is hard to hear about. I fear that if they reconcile, no one will forgive her.

I agree about the church counselling. While I believe there is a place for christian counselling, sometimes it needs to be done with someone who is qualified. I know church counsellors have a good heart and care about the people in the congregation, it can sometimes be better to have a stranger.

The baby won''t remember the parents as a couple but I don''t think it will have the same effect as it will on the 7 year old. Its so horrible to have your parents split up around that age. My dad first left when I was about 6 and I remember it all. Its devastating.

I hope they can manage to reconcile, but if they can''t I hope they are going to be the best parents they can to their children.

 

[Haven]

I''m not a legal professional, but I''m pretty sure my parents had to be separated for six months before they could file for a divorce. Perhaps different states have different laws, but I believe it''s a law in Illinois that the couple must be separated for six months before they can file an uncontested or no-fault divorce. (Or whatever type it was that my parents filed.)

As for how it will help the relationship, perhaps a little distance is sometimes a big help.

My BIL and SIL are currently going through a divorce. Well, they''ve been "going through" it for a year this May. They each refuse to move out of their home, and I know that living with the two of them and all of the tension there is in that house has been really tough on the kids. No matter how hard they''re trying to be civil, it''s having a huge effect on their children. Perhaps it is sometimes better for the kids to *not* live with both parents under the same roof while they are working on some very difficult issues in their relationship.
They each refuse to move out based on the legal advice they''ve received. It''s harming their children more than they can see at the moment.

 

[PumpkinPie]

I''m sorry to hear about this situation - it must be so hard on your FI and all of the family. I would also encourage them to seek the services of a professional therapist who deals with couples and marital problems - it is imperative that this is done sooner rather than later if there is any hope of saving the family. Most couples wait far too long and couple''s counselling becomes more of a last-ditch effort to patch things up when there is no relationship left.

 

[ladypirate]

We had friends who were in a similar situation. She asked for a trial separation and he agreed and then she told him a couple weeks later that she wanted a divorce.

I''m sorry for your FBIL--it''s a crappy situation.

 

[Steel]

It can be difficult to share space with your SO when times are tough and for some time apart allows room to breathe and reassess.

But IMHO a legal separation is a different kettle of fish. My view is that unless legislation provides that the couple must pass though judicial separation to proceed to divorce then one or both parties are playing games, being tactical or for personal reasons will not consider divorce but need formal financial and access arrangements.

By tactics and game play, I mean that one spouse takes their discord to a ''next level'' in order to assert themselves. I have seen this done

.

I am sorry for your FBIL & FSIL and their young kid(s). Some relationships just can''t make it. I hope it is possible that your family maintans civil relations with your FSIL in order that you have some access to your future nephew. Let them both know you would like to be involved with the kid(s).

 

[whitby_2773]

hi trillionaire

please forgive me if i''m totally wrong about this but...

is this the couple who had the insurance issues? or do i have the wrong people entirely? he was in remission and your family was going to get together to help get them insurance? there was unemployment issues as well for them etc... is this them? (in fact - that *was* your post, yes? or am i totally screwed up on this?)

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 3/13/2010 6:17:13 PM
Author: whitby_2773
hi trillionaire

please forgive me if i'm totally wrong about this but...

is this the couple who had the insurance issues? or do i have the wrong people entirely? he was in remission and your family was going to get together to help get them insurance? there was unemployment issues as well for them etc... is this them? (in fact - that *was* your post, yes? or am i totally screwed up on this?)

The very same.

Someone actually revived that thread today, which led me to post this one.

ETA: I felt at the time of the insurance debacle. knowing both parties, that a mother and wife who insures her child and herself and makes no attempt to make provisions for her husband who is in remission for cancer is a wife who is not looking to stick around. It looks to me that my sense of the situation was fairly accurate, unfortunately.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 3/13/2010 6:03:56 PM
Author: Steal
It can be difficult to share space with your SO when times are tough and for some time apart allows room to breathe and reassess.

But IMHO a legal separation is a different kettle of fish. My view is that unless legislation provides that the couple must pass though judicial separation to proceed to divorce then one or both parties are playing games, being tactical or for personal reasons will not consider divorce but need formal financial and access arrangements.

By tactics and game play, I mean that one spouse takes their discord to a ''next level'' in order to assert themselves. I have seen this done

.

I am sorry for your FBIL & FSIL and their young kid(s). Some relationships just can''t make it. I hope it is possible that your family maintans civil relations with your FSIL in order that you have some access to your future nephew. Let them both know you would like to be involved with the kid(s).

I know that FBIL feels like she is using this as a tactic, but he''s willing to work through that. Her willingness level seems questionable. He wanted to set a formal timeline for reconcilatory discussions, she will not commit. They are both unemployed right now, so finances are... curious at best. Given their present situation, the separation is all the more baffling, not withstanding the strain of unemployment on their marriage.

 

[PumpkinPie]

oh no! I remember that insurance situation - I''m so sorry again that this is happening in your FI''s (and soon to be yours) family.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 3/13/2010 8:00:35 PM
Author: Maevie
oh no! I remember that insurance situation - I''m so sorry again that this is happening in your FI''s (and soon to be yours) family.

Thank you! Everyone is sad, frustrated and confused. I don''t process grey areas well in terms of this sort of thing, so I guess that''s why I ended up posting this thread. I wish I could just whisk the babies away and leave the parents to sort things out without distraction.

 

[Octavia]

There is a difference between legal separation and physical separation -- if papers haven''t been filed yet, it wouldn''t be a legal separation, since those must be approved by a court. In a legal separation, the couple''s financial affairs are usually untangled and assets divided, just like in a divorce, and the spouses wouldn''t have to file taxes as married anymore. But they nominally remain married, and might be able to share in some of each other''s pension/insurance benefits depending on how the separation is structured. Physical separation is what courts in most states require if the couple files for a no-fault divorce. The waiting period is usually longer if only one spouse wants the divorce and shorter if they both agree, but the actual timing varies widely by state (as do lots of other rules and technicalities). I hope that helps as far as explanation goes...and I''m sorry for this family who seems to be having such a rough time.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

In NC you have to be separated (and living in different places) for a year before you can file for divorce. Every state is different.

I know couples who divorced and remarried so nothing is necessarily forever. You need two willing partners in a marriage. Her not adding him to his insurance was telling. No one knows what their marriage is like but the two of them. Hopefully this is for the best for everyone involved.

 

[HVVS]

Date: 3/13/2010 8:13:44 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
In NC you have to be separated (and living in different places) for a year before you can file for divorce. Every state is different.
...

Gee, I am glad I didn''t live there when I divorced. In my state, it was file legal separation to immediately separate the finances and be responsible for no debts that I did not personally incur, and then 6 months wait for a non-contested divorce to finally go before the judge and be granted.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Legally, some states require the parties to separate prior to filing for divorce.

Personally I think some couples need the time apart before deciding what direction the relationship is going in.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 3/13/2010 9:10:22 PM
Author: HVVS

Date: 3/13/2010 8:13:44 PM

Author: Tacori E-ring

In NC you have to be separated (and living in different places) for a year before you can file for divorce. Every state is different.

...

Gee, I am glad I didn''t live there when I divorced. In my state, it was file legal separation to immediately separate the finances and be responsible for no debts that I did not personally incur, and then 6 months wait for a non-contested divorce to finally go before the judge and be granted.

Some of the southern states have pretty out dated laws. They aren''t too keen on divorce here so they make it hard.

The year does not include however long it takes to get a divorce. Not sure how long that takes. I have a friend who wanted to separate but her husband wouldn''t leave their house and she couldn''t afford her own apartment. Sad they make it so difficult.

 

[rockpaperscissors67]

Date: 3/13/2010 5:05:40 PM
Author: trillionaire

I am heartbroken for the children. The baby is less than one, and may never have a memory of her parents together as a couple. The seven year old is confused and devestated, which is made worse by the fact that FBIL does not want to be separated, so the kid sees his mom as the one to blame for all of this.

I have to ask...why does the 7 year old know that FBIL doesn''t want the separation? This is a major pet peeve of mine -- kids should not know anything about a separation/divorce other than that the parents cannot be married anymore and that it isn''t the kids'' fault. There is absolutely no reason for this child to be blaming his mother because in the majority of divorces, both parties play some role in the breakdown of the marriage. Even if it''s totally her fault and FBIL is a saint, there''s simply no reason for the child to know who wants the divorce or any other details.

Here in VA, a childless couple can be divorced in 6 months, but a couple with kids has to wait one year after separation. We don''t have legal separations here, but typically, papers are filed that make the division clear between the couple. The best reason I can think of for this is financial. If you don''t have any paperwork filed and your estranged spouse goes out and racks up a bunch of debt, you will be responsible for 1/2 of that debt.

The parents of a friend of mine had a very contentious divorce that dragged out for almost 4 years. The wife did not work, but she incurred a lot of debt right after her husband moved out. She was ticked off at him because he had the nerve to leave so this was her way of paying him back. He didn''t protect himself by filing the paperwork asap, so yeah, he got to take on that debt, too.

If either of the parties show an inclination toward being nasty, I would suggest that the other protect himself as much as he can legally and as quickly as possible.

 

[lulu]

In Michigan there is no required separation period for divorce. However there is a six month waiting period after filing if there are minor children.

People often used to do a legal separation rather than divorce so one spouse could remain on the other''s medical insurance without Cobra payments. Lots of employers became wise to this and started changing their plans.

The other real problem is the economy. The housing market here is horrible so people are often financially compelled to live together even after divorce-a very interesting situation that I think will eventually result in some remarriages.

If there is no income on either end I can''t understand how BIL and SIL are managing this. Did she move in with a relative?

Over the years I talked myself blue imploring people to keep the details of their messes from the children. I was successful maybe 50% of the time. It''s just so tough for kids
when they don''t feel they have permission to love both their parents.

 

[trillionaire]

they are both recieving unemployment benefits... he moved home, and I think she moved to a smaller place? FBIL was doing contract work to supplement his income, and I don't know if she is getting help from her family or what?

I agree that adults should keep kids out of their issues. I know that FBIL is desperately trying to keep his family together, so I think that clouds people's judgment. FSIL's primary complaint is that FBIL is unemployed and not supporting the family, which is ironic since she is now also unemployed. Also, FBIL lost his job (IMO) primarily because the seven year old was having frequent problems at school, and FBIL was leaving work and bringing the kid back to work all the time. (kid was getting suspended). Eventually, his employer said that he couldn't bring the child to work (counselors think the child has ADHD), so when the child had to leave school, he had to leave work. I don't know if the company did broad lay-offs, or if FBIL was laid off individually, but he had no other problems on the job (he had even been promoted), and the kid issue was a constant one. Like I said, it's my opinion, but it does not seem far-fetched. He hadn't been with the company for more than 1-1.5 years.


In situations of separation and divorce, what sorts of custodial arrangements can be made? How possible or likely is it for FBIL to be able to be the primary custodian, or at least equal custodian of his baby (almost 9 mos old)? FSIL yells at FBIL and the kids all the time. The last time I saw her, her son was playing between us, and he either was hugging her legs or touching them, and she yells at him that if he kept touching her, she was going to kick him. Now, whereas I have no reason to believe that she has ever hit her child, I do know that she used to hit her husband inappropriately. (my family witnessed that as well about 2.5 years ago) I don't feel confident that someone who will verbally lash out at a child, in front of other people with no remorse could not physically do so in a different context. I know that they are not the same, and that FBIL can't do much in terms of the 7 yr old, but I would rather have custody of my child than subject them to verbal abuse, let alone physical abuse. She berated him (7 yr old) routinely when I was there, and it made me, as an adult, very uncomfortable. It's such a difficult situation... if you protect your interests, and those of your kids, you basically screw the relationship. If you try to reconcile, then you are back in the hornets nest. I understand that there are two sides of a story, and then there is the truth... but I know what I have seen, heard and felt. As a person, FSIL and I get along, and she is pleasant and personable... no issues. I can call her up, and we can laugh and chat. I also hate how she speaks to her husband and child.

I have no idea what to think. When I talk to FBIL, I just encourage whatever he is feeling. I suggest books on personal finance, self-help, etc... things that keep him moving forward, not things related to divorce. (they are my personal books, not woe-is-me type books) I don't presume to know what is best for a couple or a family, but I am very confused by this situation and don't know how to feel. I've never been around for anyone's divorce, even growing up. My friends parents were all together, or divorced before we met. I'm not good with suspense... it makes me anxious. I wish I knew what was going to happen, because I can deal with the finality, but the ambiguity is very, very confusing.

 

[rockpaperscissors67]

Did you say what FBIL is in? I understand if you don''t want to reveal that. I''m wondering because that can really impact custody.

This may be a time when you shouldn''t encourage whatever FBIL is feeling, but rather decent behaviour on his part. Divorce, especially when you don''t want it, can bring out a lot of really nasty feelings and the frustrations can lead you to act destructively (either to yourself, the ex or the kids). I wanted my divorce badly after many years of being treated poorly and there were a lot of times where OMG I wanted to get revenge on my ex for things he did. It took a GREAT deal of self-control not to let myself get sucked in.

Custody will really depend a lot on the state this is happening in because some states are very progressive about father''s rights and other states are stuck in the dark ages. However, even if FBIL is in a state where it''s entirely possible for a father to gain full custody, FBIL doing so may not be in the child''s best interest. It''s certainly not easy to consider joint custody with someone that yells at the kids or you, but IMHO I think it''s best for both kids in most situations. It''s horrible when a parent routinely yells at her kids, but you''re right -- you can''t make the leap to her hitting the child. The same goes for hitting her husband.

I agree that FBIL would not want to allow the baby to remain in a situation where the baby is being verbally abused. On the flip side, the reality is that most courts are loathe to give a father full custody without proof of SERIOUS issues with the mother like documented physical abuse, drug or alcohol use, etc. If he tried to go for full custody, he''d probably have a terrible fight on his hands that would be extremely expensive and probably cause even more of a rift between the two parents than already exists, which will prevent them from developing a decent co-parenting relationship at some point.

Since FBIL won''t be able to do anything about the older child, at least having the baby share custody would allow the sibling relationship to continue to flourish which would benefit both kids.

FBIL has to be prepared to view this as a business relationship and work to have a good one. The courts do not care one bit about the daily happenings in a relationship because they aren''t a referree. If FBIL gets caught up in the idea that he can go into court and tell the judge that FSIL yelled at the kids on this date and this date and this date, and on this date she did X to him, etc., he''s going to be very disappointed. IMHO it''s better to concentrate on a workable arrangement with FSIL instead of involving the courts and it may mean that FBIL has to eat some crap in order to make that happen.

I would suggest that FBIL ask that both he and FSIL be required to take parenting classes if it''s not already a requirement in their state for divorcing parents.

Just for comparison from my experience:

My divorce took 1 1/2 years and only exH had a lawyer. We didn''t go to court. It cost $1500. We initially shared custody of our kids 50/50, but when their grades started falling, the two of us decided together that the kids would live with him most of the time. Most of the time, this works out fine. We live about a mile apart as the crow flies, and SO and I are highly involved in the kids'' lives. ExH, his wife, SO and I get along well about 95% of the time. The kids seem to be pretty well adjusted.

SO''s divorce, OTOH, was highly contentious. It took 4 years and cost SO $70K. His ex didn''t want him to have anything to do with the kids so she worked really hard to erase SO from their lives and pretty much succeeded. The judge refused to grant court-ordered visitation. SO hasn''t talked to his kids at all since the divorce was final. I can guarantee that his kids are NOT well adjusted because their mother made them privvy to every legal happening and expected them to choose between their parents rather than being allowed to love both. Because she''s the primary custodian, it''s no wonder the kids were too scared to speak up against her actions -- there would have been hell to pay and they know it.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 3/14/2010 3:44:49 PM
Author: rockpaperscissors67

FBIL has to be prepared to view this as a business relationship and work to have a good one. The courts do not care one bit about the daily happenings in a relationship because they aren't a referree. If FBIL gets caught up in the idea that he can go into court and tell the judge that FSIL yelled at the kids on this date and this date and this date, and on this date she did X to him, etc., he's going to be very disappointed. IMHO it's better to concentrate on a workable arrangement with FSIL instead of involving the courts and it may mean that FBIL has to eat some crap in order to make that happen.

I would suggest that FBIL ask that both he and FSIL be required to take parenting classes if it's not already a requirement in their state for divorcing parents.

thank you for your response! I didn't really mean to say that I encourage ANYTHING that he's feeling, more that I let him work through his feelings without really weighing in. I don't demonize either party when I speak to him, which is about once every week or two. I agree that without proof of egregious behavior, it's better to work with your partner than against them, and I think the parenting class idea is a brilliant one. They haven't really involve the kids thus far, but I do know that the 7 yr old had a melt down after they told him, and privately told FBIL that he wanted to live with him, and he didn't want to lose another dad, etc. That's when FBIL said that he didn't want their family to split up, inappropriate or not. I don't think it's a continuing thing, but I don't really know either. I hope that it was an isolated incident.

 

[lulu]

Rock is right, custody and parenting time really depend on the state. In Michigan a father has an equal opportunity to obtain physical custody and the court compares the parents on eleven factors. That''s the law. The reality is that some judges, especially in small rural counties, have a bias that children should be raised by a mother. This is dissipating, but very slowly as old judges leave and new more forward-thinking ones come onto the bench. Change takes time.

 

[MMMD]

I hope your future inlaws handle their divorce maturely and in the best interest of their children. Divorce is sad and ugly even when it is for the best. As for the baby not remembering his/her parents together, my niece was 4 when my sister and BIL got divorced and doesn''t remember them together. She handled the situation much better than her 8 yo sister who did remember them as a family.

But I wouldn''t suggest any more counseling. If this couple has been having problems since the start of their relationship, having children, illness, and unemployment is just too much stress. It seems like your future SIL has moved on and more than likely already has a replacement for her husband. I''ve just seen this happen too many times.

While this is so sad for your FI''s family, try not to upset yourself over other''s problems. You are in a happy period of your life with your FI. Getting involved will just wear you out emotionally and won''t have any effect on the outcome of this situation. Your heart is in the right place but you are going to have to wait and see how this plays out.

Good luck.

 

[rockpaperscissors67]

Date: 3/14/2010 4:01:29 PM
Author: trillionaire

thank you for your response! I didn''t really mean to say that I encourage ANYTHING that he''s feeling, more that I let him work through his feelings without really weighing in. I don''t demonize either party when I speak to him, which is about once every week or two. I agree that without proof of egregious behavior, it''s better to work with your partner than against them, and I think the parenting class idea is a brilliant one. They haven''t really involve the kids thus far, but I do know that the 7 yr old had a melt down after they told him, and privately told FBIL that he wanted to live with him, and he didn''t want to lose another dad, etc. That''s when FBIL said that he didn''t want their family to split up, inappropriate or not. I don''t think it''s a continuing thing, but I don''t really know either. I hope that it was an isolated incident.

Ah, ok, I see what you mean about listening to him. If you can handle it, I''m sure he appreciates it. It can be really taxing to give emotional support to someone going through a divorce.

What the 7 year old said is really sad and it sounds like that''s not about FBIL talking smack about FSIL but rather a child''s basic fears about divorce. If he doesn''t see his bio dad much, it would make sense that he doesn''t want to lose FBIL now. I hope that FSIL can see how her son needs a good father figure in his life and continues to allow that relationship. Perhaps FBIL could get visitation time with the older boy by showing FSIL the benefits to her, such as giving her a break, still sharing the cost of child rearing, that sort of thing.

I think MMMD is dead on about everything. The baby will simply accept that the parents aren''t together because that will be the only thing the baby knows.

The only counseling that I would suggest at this point would be for FBIL. It would probably help him accept the situation and work on moving on, plus if FSIL did hit him, it''s possible that it was much worse behind closed doors and he could be dealing with what''s essentially PTSD. SO''s ex hit him on several occasions and was verbally abusive a lot of the time, and it took him a LONG time to be able to admit that he was abused. It''s so much harder for men to get support when they''re the victims of domestic violence.