Legal Guardians

[Pandora II]

For those that have kids (and those who don''t yet), what are you all doing about legal guardians were something awful to happen to you and your DH/SO?

Should the guardian be a family member? How did you choose? What was important to you?

DH and I are having problems deciding on a legal guardian for Daisy - we need to draw up wills shortly and need to set out the details.

We thought about his eldest brother, but his wife is from the USA and they will probably move back there. I wouldn''t have a problem with Daisy growing up in the USA, but it would be important to me that she saw my family and that would then be almost impossible.

My younger sister and her husband are totally dysfunctional and have a pretty bad marriage so they''re totally out.

DH''s younger brother is lovely, but I don''t think he''d necessarily make the choices that we would want for her.

My youngest sister and DH''s youngest brother are still too young and not yet settled in any way.
I''m currently veering towards my brother and his wife - I don''t care for her but I know she would be a good parent to our daughter and that my brother would bring Daisy up as we would want and would take the job of ensuring that she saw ALL her relatives very seriously.

DH on the other hand wants to ask one of his best friends... I like them, but have only met them a handful of occasions. I also think that it''s inappropriate when we have so many sibilings between us, and anyway, it''s a huge responsibility taking on any child let alone one to who you are not related to - and who you would have to take to see 3 sets of grandparents who you have no connection with.

Hopefully the guardians will never be needed, but I want to make the right choice and I just don''t think a friend is the right person to entrust/inflict this responsibility on.

 

[neatfreak]

Unless this friend is of the "we have known each other since we were 5 and still are thisclose" type then I also say NO to the friend personally.

Our kids would go to my parents and then DH''s mom and stepfather. They are all still young and healthy so that works for us. Eventually I would imagine I might place them with my sister if that were necessary...but right now she is too young.

 

[packrat]

It''s such a hard decision isn''t it?? We''ve not done wills or anything, and I''ve been told (I don''t know about outside the US tho) that if something happens to the parents, the kids are placed with child services until they can figure out who is taking them. I always thought they''d go to the nearest relative able to care for them until a decision was made. That freaks me out, so we need to get something in place soon!

We''ll probably list my parents. There''s no one on husband''s side to do it. My brother I''m sure would do it..He''s not married tho, and I wonder if something did happen, what if he were married at the time and he was named guardian, and the new wife got upset, or they had a couple kids of their own already and weren''t sure they could handle it?

Pandora, I think it would be better to have family-your brother and his wife, like you''re thinking, than a friend of hubby''s you''re not real familiar with.

 

[brooklyngirl]

I haven't given too much thought to this yet, but I would want someone who, not only, would raise my children with values that are important to me, but also someone who my children know, and grow up with. Ideally, I would want my parents to bring up my children, my sister and her DH if they can't, and BFF and her DH if my sister can't.

However, if we decide to stay in CA, this would be a huge problem for me since the kids wouldn't really be growing up with any of the people mentioned above, and they'd be ripped away from the only environment they've ever known. Either way not a good situation

ETA - Pandora I think the best choice is your brother and his wife. Your kids go to someone they know, and can be close to their extended family, which might be a bit awkward for a friend to deal with. On top of that, they would more or less maintain their lifestyle with the new guardians in the UK. The more that stays the same the better, if G-d forbid tragedy struck.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 7/24/2009 7:07:32 PM
Author: neatfreak
Unless this friend is of the ''we have known each other since we were 5 and still are thisclose'' type then I also say NO to the friend personally.

Our kids would go to my parents and then DH''s mom and stepfather. They are all still young and healthy so that works for us. Eventually I would imagine I might place them with my sister if that were necessary...but right now she is too young.

Yup, the friend is of the we went to playgroup, school etc etc together type - and DH got him and his wife together (she''s another life-long friend).

I wouldn''t have a problem with them looking after Daisy as they''ll be great parents - she''s due to have a baby herself in December so the kids will play together/try to kill each other anyway.

I just think it''s too big a responsibility for them - having to see all your own family and then ensure that Daisy sees my parents, both of DH''s parents (who live in different parts of the UK) etc is a HUGE ask. Also what happens if they decide to upsticks to Australia or something - their lives could be made very difficult through caring for a child who was not a blood relative.

My parents couldn''t have another young child - father in his 70''s and my mother has MS. FIL...over my dead body. MIL, enjoys seeing her grandchildren a few times a year and then escaping for peace & quiet. So it has to be siblings - bar the youngest on each side, they are all 30+.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

About a year ago my dear friend, L (whom I no longer speak with sadly) asked me and my DH to be the legal guardian of her daughter K.

L and I had been friends since we were very young, and she explained that with me, she knew her daughter would be safe. She knew I would raise K with opportunities and experiences that would closely match those she wished for K. She knew I would expose K to a happy home, good love, and that L''s family would be very near by and seen often. These were her ideals for K if tragically she was no longer with her...I was lucky I was able to offer those things up.

Now, at this time we had papers drawn up expressing L''s wishes, she was struggling with her husband...L wanted me to have a leg to stand on, legally, if something happened to her--so I could go against her husband in court. Her husband R has has drug/alcohol issues, and L feared for the life K would have left to him exclusively without L''s influence. I''m not saying I would have won in court should it have come to that...but you can bet I''d spend every last dollar to my name fight for K.

I think you need to leave your daughter to someone you would trust to raise her as close to your ideals as possible. It''s a huge request...but those that love you would be honored to be asked, I know I was.

 

[lyra]

We went with family. The choice was simple because of all the potential family members, only one *was* suitable! My husband''s brother was chosen partly because he had the money to look after the girls *no matter what*, and would know exactly how to handle our estate and invest for the girl''s futures. It was more of a financial future kind of decision in that sense. My mother felt a bit hurt, but unfortunately, she died when the girls were just 9 and 12, so that wouldn''t have worked out at all anyway. Don''t know how my inlaws felt either, but we thought someone closer to our age was also best. I guess we need to update our will now, as our youngest just turned 19! I''d still want my BIL to advise them financially if something happened to both of us.

 

[sba771]

My FI and I have recently decided on our future guardians even though we don''t have children yet. I am biased and would prefer my brother- I trust him with my life. The problem is my brother is not that financially stable and his relationship with his gf is not 100% solid. Because of this we are naming 2 guardians. My FI''s brother, just his brother, not his brother and his wife because she is not blood, although she would be the one raising our children with FI''s brother AND my brother as a second legal guardian. FI''s bro is married and in a very stable job so should our life insurance money run out or something. We will however have VERY VERY strict outlines for certain things. My religion is EXTREMELY important to me and also dictates a lot of my lifestyle. FI''s brother married outside the religion and is only in the religion by birth (if that makes sense) because of this my FI and I agreed that we will outline that our children would need to go to religious school and also that my brother, the second guardian, will be in charge of teaching my child and maintaining their religious aspects of their lives. I love FI''s bro and his wife, and I trust them and know they will raise my children well but I also want to make sure my children would have the life they would have had if they were with me and I know my brother would provide that.
Sorry that was so long- we literally just decided on this and I am very passionate about it.

 

[MustangGal]

I had always figured my child would go to my mom if something happened to us, until a couple years ago DH''s brother asked us to be the guardian for his child. I didn''t even think of them! They have a child 2 years older than ours, and while we don''t exactly love their parenting style, it would probalby be the best for my baby to have other children and younger guardians.

Pandora, you could designate someone for now, and as times change and your family situation evolves, you could change your choice down the road.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

As a parent, this was one of the hardest decisions that DH and I have made. We talked a lot about it, even while I was pregnant, and ultimately made the decision that if something were to happen to both of us that our son would go to DH''s youngest sister, "A". She is wonderful with children and is a trustworthy person. We know that she would respect our wishes to raise him as well as she was able to. She is sort of engaged-to-be-engaged and her future DH is also good with kids and I am sure that they will have them shortly after marriage.

 

[vespergirl]

This was a really tough decision for us as well. First, we decided not to choose a friend, but a family member. Between the two of us, we have 3 brothers (I have 2, DH has 1). Even though my older brother, who is married with a child, seems like he would have been the obvious option, he & his wife have a very dysfunctional relationship and give their child a very negative home environment, so I really don''t want my son going to them in case something happens to us, even though the two boys are very fond of each other. My younger brother is a drug addict, so he is out as well.

I have a lot of love and respect for my DH''s family, so I would have loved to have his brother be the guardian (he is DS''s godfather). However, he is not married, or even in a serious relationship, so we thought that we would wait until he is more "settled" and then talk to him about guardianship.

This only left both sets of our parents, but my parents, even though married, have a terrible relationship with daily fighting, and as I couldn''t wait to get out of their house, I would never put my child there. DH''s parents are getting on in years (they are in their mid-60s) but I love them so much and see what a great job they did raising DH, so I knew that they would be perfect, except for their age. We asked them, and they accepted. Both DH & I feel confident that they would do a great job with our son. However, once my brother-in-law settles down, we are going to talk to him about guardianship, since we still feel that having someone closer in age to his parents would be the best choice. He is a great godfather, and has tons of patience for the little guy, but we would prefer to have him in a family with a mom & dad.

It''s such a tough decision, so good luck with whoever you choose - I think the important thing is to choose someone that both you & your husband feel good about.

 

[decodelighted]

For those considering their parents as guardians ... please consider this: the kids may be bounced around *again* unexpectedly ... and even if not right away, probably at least once again by the time they''re 18. As reassuring as it would feel in the short run -- wouldn''t it really be a temporary fix ...where you''d no longer control where they''d end up *eventually* == giving that decision over to possibly frail & ailing folks.

There are no guarantees about anyone''s safety etc -- but its something to think about.

 

[isaku5]

I agree that this is really a tough decision. Since my DH and I have no siblings, we gave guardianship rights to my favourite aunt and uncle BUT, in hindsight, we should have chosen someone our own ages. We discussed it beforehand, but neither of us could come up with a relative or friend to whom we''d entrust our children''s lives and well-being. Luckily, that decision didn''t have to be made, but I made sure that our kids didn''t choose us as guardians.

Our son and his wife chose our daughter and husband, and our daughter and her husband chose one of this nieces - her godmother. Both decisions make sense, but I kind of wish that our daughter had chosen her brother as the guardian - to keep the guardianship in our family - I suppose that''s just selfish, but that''s the way I feel.

At any rate, I can''t emphasize enough that wills have to be made and guardianship established as soon as possible.

 

[Octavia]

We don''t have kids yet, but when we do, I''m 99% sure we''ll choose FI''s younger brother as legal guardian. He''s hands-down the most comfortable choice as far as raising the kids the way we''d have wanted, having a fantastic and very stable job that allows him plenty of time to spend with kids, and being in a very good relationship with a woman we all like. My own brother, while I love him dearly, has a very different worldview than FI and I do, and I don''t think either of us would be comfortable with him as guardian. I would choose my parents except that I don''t know that they''d be up for raising children in their retirement -- but assuming we choose FI''s brother, we''ll probably write something in saying that my parents should have the kids for a certain number of weeks during school vacations.

The only thing that holds me back a bit on FI''s brother is that he lives in Europe, and we''re in the US (and neither FI nor his brother live in their native country, though the rest of their family still does). I''m afraid it would be awfully disruptive for a child to move so far from home after losing his or her parents. For this reason, we''ll probably keep revising that portion of our will as our (as-yet hypothetical) children get older, if our choice changes based on that.

 

[QueenB29]

Date: 7/26/2009 3:00:49 PM
Author: vespergirl
This was a really tough decision for us as well. First, we decided not to choose a friend, but a family member. Between the two of us, we have 3 brothers (I have 2, DH has 1). Even though my older brother, who is married with a child, seems like he would have been the obvious option, he & his wife have a very dysfunctional relationship and give their child a very negative home environment, so I really don''t want my son going to them in case something happens to us, even though the two boys are very fond of each other. My younger brother is a drug addict, so he is out as well.


I have a lot of love and respect for my DH''s family, so I would have loved to have his brother be the guardian (he is DS''s godfather). However, he is not married, or even in a serious relationship, so we thought that we would wait until he is more ''settled'' and then talk to him about guardianship.


This only left both sets of our parents, but my parents, even though married, have a terrible relationship with daily fighting, and as I couldn''t wait to get out of their house, I would never put my child there. DH''s parents are getting on in years (they are in their mid-60s) but I love them so much and see what a great job they did raising DH, so I knew that they would be perfect, except for their age. We asked them, and they accepted. Both DH & I feel confident that they would do a great job with our son. However, once my brother-in-law settles down, we are going to talk to him about guardianship, since we still feel that having someone closer in age to his parents would be the best choice. He is a great godfather, and has tons of patience for the little guy, but we would prefer to have him in a family with a mom & dad.


It''s such a tough decision, so good luck with whoever you choose - I think the important thing is to choose someone that both you & your husband feel good about.

We don''t have kids yet, but we''ll have the same issue. My parents are too old, and my mother is not in good health. I do NOT agree with the way my in-laws raised my DH, and I don''t trust my MIL. We don''t get along. My SIL is married and pregnant with her first child, but I would rather never have children at all than risk them going to her. The thought of her raising a child truly scares me. I would have my brother as the guardian, but he is single and in the Navy and nowhere near ready to settle down. That leaves my cousins, who are quite a bit older than I am, and we''re not especially close, but they are family and good people, and I''d trust them completely. One doesn''t have children and isn''t planning to have any, however, and the other has children who are teenagers now, so I''m not sure either would want the responsibility....