Leaving....

[RoxEHeart]

I am just curious if there is anyone on these boards that has left their SO for not proposing....

The reason I am asking is because my SO set himself a deadline of the end of this year. Well, in talking with him, it looks like it's not going to happen. At first I was a little upset, but eventually I realized that I am happy and I trusted him when he told me that the only reason it wasn't going to happen was because of money. I trusted that he was making payments on it. Well, two months ago, he received a $500 gift card from his work. When he received it, he told me that it was going to go towards the ring. That gift card sat in his truck for a month and then has been sitting on our bar for the past month. The card is still stuck to the piece of paper in the envelope and I checked the balance and it's still sitting at $500. I have tried really hard not to say anything to him about it, but I finally gave in and confronted him about it this week and told him that it really hurt to see that it was just sitting there and that he hadn't used it yet. He told me that he's "never over there" (by the ring place). He works out at a gym right down the street. I told him that was a crappy excuse and he apologized and assured me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and that I needed to take his word on that. I told him that if he wasn't ready to get engaged yet, to be honest and tell me and that we would deal with that. He just kept saying that he does want to but that he doesn't have the money right now. The way I see it, is that he's not even making the effort to pay on the ring....so I made a decision that if he hasn't used the gift card by the end of the year, that I would leave. (We live together).

I am basically just looking for reference stories from other LiW that have left their SO because of proposal issues.....or is this a dumb idea?

 

[mariewest]

My SO told me on New Years Day 2008 that "this would be the year that [he] proposes." At this point we had been dating a year. Even that June he was looking at rings and asking me about my preferences, etc. A couple months later I asked him about it, and he said that it probably wouldn''t happen because he had to put the money he was saving into fixing his car. He said maybe in six months. So now we''re at March 2009 and I had planned a trip to Walt Disney World (which I paid for) and I was really hoping that he could propose then, since it was the perfect location and at the end of that six month mark. Well that didn''t happen. We moved in together right after that, and I was hoping that maybe he would propose by fall. He started graduate school in another state in the fall, and we are in a long distance relationship. I''ve been looking for jobs, and even applied to grad. school myself so I could move out there. We no longer have a timeline, but I have told him from the start that I would prefer to be engaged before making a major move. Of course I''m hoping that he''ll propose before I move, but I because of money issues, I know that''s not going to happen. He''s living off of student loans since he''s a full-time student, and as a full-time unpaided internship. He says he won''t use student loan money to pay for my ring, which I understand. Still, it''s now December 2009, and he is nowhere closer to proposing. We will have been together for three years in January. I have told him that I will not wait forever and will leave him at some point if he doesn''t propose. I''m not telling him when that will be because I don''t want to give him an ultiumatium. I''m thinking I''ll give him two more years. He''ll be done with grad. school and will be able to put a real effort into saving money and buying a ring. I think five years is a good amount of time. Of course, I say that now, but in two years I may not want to walk away from someone that I love. But I would like to get married in the next couple years and be married for a few years before having children, and I would like to have children in the next four years. Anyways, that''s my story. Timelines just don''t seem to work, and only gets the girls hopes up to be disappointed.

 

[Circe]

I hope that you get stories that will help you resolve this issue ....

... but I also have to say, if ten women post about how their dude kept breaking deadline but then they lived happily ever after, will that really affect your decision? Could it be countered by 15 women posting about how guys who don''t keep their word never change?

At the end of the day, you''re upset because he made a promise and now it looks like he''s not living up to it. If that is a dealbreaker *for you,* no one can tell you that that''s irrational. Follow your gut.

 

[Bia]

I understand how you''re feeling RoxE, but I have to say, I think you''re going about this all wrong. Do you want a proposal that was prompted by a threat? ''Use the gift card or else...'' ???

If you''re not willing to wait any longer, that''s one thing. In that case then you are absolutely right to set your timeline. But threatening him to walk if he doesn''t do it by x-date - I don''t think anything is really accomplished this way. He may be ready but he MAY NOT be. I can''t tell from your post what his position is but he certainly doesn''t sound ready right this minute (unless he''s intentionally throwing you off).

I never left my FI for not proposing but I do remember going a little nuts. He waited 8 months to propose after we had our marriage talk (he said within the year). So there were times I was wondering if he had changed his mind. He had his plan laid out and wasn''t letting me in (in retrospect it was a good thing but going through it was difficult). I was ready to talk to him if a year went by and nothing had happened. I would have been ready to walk a few months later.

If you''re ready and your gut is telling you he''s not, decide how much time you''re willing to give him. If he''s running out of time then make your plans. But do it because it''s your decision to move on and find what you deserve, not because you''re waiting to see what he''ll do.

(((hugs))) I hope he comes to his senses!

 

[vc10um]

Date: 12/11/2009 11:04:39 AM
Author: Bia
I understand how you''re feeling RoxE, but I have to say, I think you''re going about this all wrong. Do you want a proposal that was prompted by a threat? ''Use the gift card or else...'' ???

If you''re not willing to wait any longer, that''s one thing. In that case then you are absolutely right to set your timeline. But threatening him to walk if he doesn''t do it by x-date - I don''t think anything is really accomplished this way. He may be ready but he MAY NOT be. I can''t tell from your post what his position is but he certainly doesn''t sound ready right this minute (unless he''s intentionally throwing you off).

I never left my FI for not proposing but I do remember going a little nuts. He waited 8 months to propose after we had our marriage talk (he said within the year). So there were times I was wondering if he had changed his mind. He had his plan laid out and wasn''t letting me in (in retrospect it was a good thing but going through it was difficult). I was ready to talk to him if a year went by and nothing had happened. I would have been ready to walk a few months later.

If you''re ready and your gut is telling you he''s not, decide how much time you''re willing to give him. If he''s running out of time then make your plans. But do it because it''s your decision to move on and find what you deserve, not because you''re waiting to see what he''ll do.

(((hugs))) I hope he comes to his senses!

Well said, B.

 

[RoxEHeart]

I didn''t threaten at all....the idea of leaving if he doesn''t use the gift card by the end of the year has not been mentioned to him at all. By the end of the year, he will have held on to that gift card for three whole months. When we looked at the ring, we were told that he needed to make a payment monthly to keep the account active and open. This leads me to believe he hasn''t been making payments because if he was, why wouldn''t he use that gift card? It''s free money and it''s $500! That''s a lot of money.

I don''t care when he proposes anymore, I really don''t. I just want to know that he''s working towards getting there and from that gift card sitting on the bar and not being used, it''s showing me that he''s not working towards it. The conversation we had about the gift card was very rational (no tears or screaming on my part, even though i wanted to!) and I feel like it ended well. I just feel like that if he doesn''t use the gift card soon that it is a sign that he really isn''t ready yet....actions speak louder than words. He''s telling me that he''s ready, but it''s not showing in his actions.....

 

[RoxEHeart]

Let me also add that we will have been together for 3 1/2 years in January. We are both 25 years old and an engagement has been in talks since August of last year (we went ring shopping in 8/08...his suggestion).

 

[JSM]

I could be alone on this, but I think you're approaching this in a clear, rational way. It sounds to me like you two may just be at two different points, with you being ready and him not. And that's okay, because you've told him (without drama and tears) what your expectations are.

TBH, I don't know your age, how long you've been together, or any other details, but it seems from your post that you're reaching the end of your internal timeline, and this isn't the first time you've been promised something that didn't happen. If you're weren't ready to move on, you wouldn't, end of story.

He can be a great guy, but if you aren't on the same page, then it's not ideal for either one of you. Good luck.

EDIT: Ha, I wrote my post before your above explanation of how long you've been together and how old you both were!

 

[LilyKat]

RoxE, my experience has been that men propose when they want to. If he''s procrastinating without giving a good reason (which it sounds like he is), it means he''s just not ready. And may not be for a while. May be never, or may be never to you. Or may be he''ll be ready just after your timeline has passed. Which is it? I don''t know. All I know is that if he wanted to he would do it, gift card or not.

What YOU have control over, and need to decide, is how long you are willing to wait. This will depend on how much you trust him and are happy in your relationship; how important marriage is to you (some people are happy to live together for life without marriage - for others, me included, it''s a dealbreaker).

I think you need to have an honest conversation with him about MARRIAGE - not about gift cards, rings, or engagement. Does he want it, does he want it with you, and when does he want it. Allow him to be honest without becoming accusatory. See how he responds.

In answer to your question, I have never left a man because he wouldn''t commit - but would absolutely do so if I ever found myself in that position, because frankly, I''m worth more than that and you are too.

 

[RoxEHeart]

It''s just so frustrating y''all because he is SO confusing!!!!!! He won''t use this stupid gift card, but he will tell his friends and mine that he is going to propose by the end of the year (this was said in April, May and June) and he even told his grandmother that he was proposing to me soon. But then he will act hesitant sometimes. His mother gave us her ring from her marriage to his dad (ended in divorce) and he said he would sell that ring to the diamond place and use that towards the ring. Well that ring sat in is dresser forever and finally I told him to call the diamond place and see what the process is of selling a ring...well he told me that he called, but I checked his phone and it showed that he dialed the number but that the call was aborted. He told me that the guy was out of town and that he wouldn''t be able to take the ring to him then. He did eventually take the ring to the diamond place and found out that they would only pay around $500 for the ring and he decided to just keep it (I agreed with this decision).

He is such a procrastinator and it''s really getting under my skin. The reason why the gift card moved from his truck to the bar is because his truck got towed because he was driving with expired insurance, expired registration and expired inspection.

Honestly, I love him and I know that everyone has their faults and if procrastination is his, I am willing to deal with that for the rest of my life, but not when it comes to important, life changing things!!!

IDK I guess I have a lot to think about and I just need some guidance.

 

[vetrogrl]

Hi...I''m really sorry to hear about your situation right now. But what is the rush to really get engaged? I''m the same age as you are (25) and was in a similiar situation earlier this year. My bf and I have been together for 2 years this February. We started talking marriage and engagments this past February. We began our search for the ring that month as well. He told me it would be before the end of this year. So he couldn''t give me a span of months when like spring...summer...falll....winter... so it took me about 5 months to really find what i loved and wanted. Well at first my bf told me it would be before November...then the end of October came and nothing...so i talked to him about it and he started his own business up this past March, and he had financial responsibilities he needed to tend to in order for his company to grow, and I understood this- I didnt NEED my ring right then and there...I WANTED it, but didnt need it

So he aslo asked my parents for permission in September so I thought it was close...but it wasn''t. He reassured me it would be before the end of this year...I was skeptical...but....low and behold...everything fell into place, and we chose the diamond and the setting 2 weeks ago, and he put down a downpayment and my ring was being made! I couldnt believe it...my ring is complete as of yesterday and we''re going to pick it up this Monday....so my point is....u never know....your SO may be wanting to surprise you and not wanting to let you in on the details....I didn''t really care about the whole surprise proposal, so thats why I knew what he was doing... but just give him time and I promise he will ask you to marry him Good Luck

 

[monkeyprincess]

You are the only one who knows how much waiting you are willing to put up with. There is no right answer because every person and every relationship has their own timeline. When I read your question, one thing struck me. First, it seems like you''re dealing with more than just him not being ready to get married; it sounds like he has a problem with following through on his word. That would be very frustrating to me, and make me feel like he was stringing me along. At the very least, he should be honest with you and just say, "I''m not ready to make that commitment yet," instead of continuing to say, "by the end of the year," "Oh, nevermind, by the end of next year." If he knows that you are counting on his word, it seems like a very insensitive thing to do. Maybe guys don''t understand how much hope we pin on little statements like that, but I have a feeling that in this case, he knows how important it is to you to be engaged or to at least get the ring. To me that is more concerning than him not being ready to get married. I do wish you the best as you work through this.

 

[jewelz617]

You can be engaged without a ring you know... if money is an issue, why are you harping on him spending money on a ring? Why not sit down like adults and discuss your financial situation? Sorry, but there seems to be a major lack of communication going on. Your priority should be wanting to spend your life with him and working towards that goal as a team, not setting a ridiculous ultimatum about gift cards and timelines.

 

[RoxEHeart]

Date: 12/11/2009 12:17:41 PM
Author: jewelz617
You can be engaged without a ring you know... if money is an issue, why are you harping on him spending money on a ring? Why not sit down like adults and discuss your financial situation? Sorry, but there seems to be a major lack of communication going on. Your priority should be wanting to spend your life with him and working towards that goal as a team, not setting a ridiculous ultimatum because you want a shiny rock to show off.

No offense, but maybe you should ask if we''ve talked about the price of the ring before.
When we initially looked, I found a ring that I thought would be within his budget. As time passed, I realized that the ring was quite expensive. We went a looked for a different ring that was more within his price range and I found one that was HALF the amount of the original ring. Since then, I have told him that honestly I didn''t care about the ring at all. I told him that I didn''t need a ring right now and if he felt like he need to get me one, I didn''t care if the ring cost $100! I told him I would like some tangible evidence of the commitment, but I do not care about how "shiny" the ring is.

 

[Treasure43]

I'm sorry you're going through this! It sounds to me like he's not ready, I'm sorry to say. Or else he has a serious problem with following through on things. When a man wants to propose, he saves up the money and proposes with what he can afford (or even without a ring). You've said you don't need a ring so that's not an excuse. If he feels like he needs to get you something, he could go with something simple and you could always upgrade later. A fancy ring (or a ring in general) does not make an engagement. Though the tangible ring is nice

I would sit down with him and have a serious conversation, like someone else mentioned, about MARRIAGE. Is he ready for marriage or is he not? Honestly, the fact that you've had to continue to bring up the issue (even with the previous ring) makes it seem to me that he just isn't ready but doesn't want to lose you. If that's the case, you need to decide if you can live without marriage. Will you be happy if he never decides to propose? Or is it a dealbreaker? Only you can decide what's right for you.

Ultimatly, a proposal should not be something that you pressure someone else into doing (I'm not saying you are). It should be genuine and from the heart when the man is ready to commit to spend the rest of his life with a woman.

I waited longer than I wanted to for my proposal (not uncommon on PS at all haha) but my FI wanted to make sure that he had the money saved up to pay for the ring and not take a hit financially. He's an accountant and has a TERRIBLE time spending money. However, when he had the money and was ready, he said it was the best money he's ever spent. Bottom line: you need to decide what you want and ask him where he stands on marriage. If he really has a serious procrastination/following through problem, that's something you need to work through together because that degree of procrastination could become a serious issue in a marriage. When you're married you need to be able to count on your husband to do what he says he will and be responsible.

Good luck with whatever happens! If you set a timeline, which it sounds like you're leaning towards, make sure you're doing it for yourself and then stick to it. If you want to be engaged and he's not ready, you have a difficult choice to make but make the choice that makes you happy

 

[NewEnglandLady]

He set himself a deadline for the end of this year. You need to trust that it will happen by then--he put this on his own shoulders, so if I were you I''d step back and give him until the end of the year. No talk about the gift card, no discussions to keep it on his radar. He knows about his deadline, let him be a big boy and do this on his own. If he doesn''t, then you have a very easy segway into the engagement discussion ("Honey, you set your own deadline, what happened?") If he tells you that it''s still a money issue, let him know you don''t need a ring. If he still hems and haws, then you know it''s not about money and you can determine your next move at that point.

My then-boyfriend also set his own deadline. He proposed the day of his own deadline, which was already a red flag for me since he essentially dragged his feet to the last day. He admits it was a desperate proposal to keep me (I''d raised the stakes for staying in the relationship) and I ended up leaving anyway because I knew he wasn''t ready. It was one of the best things I''ve ever done for myself.

 

[RoxEHeart]

Date: 12/11/2009 12:23:46 PM
Author: Treasure43
I''m sorry you''re going through this! It sounds to me like he''s not ready, I''m sorry to say. Or else he has a serious problem with following through on things. When a man wants to propose, he saves up the money and proposes with what he can afford (or even without a ring). You''ve said you don''t need a ring so that''s not an excuse. If he feels like he needs to get you something, he could go with something simple and you could always upgrade later. A fancy ring (or a ring in general) does not make an engagement. Though the tangible ring is nice

I would sit down with him and have a serious conversation, like someone else mentioned, about MARRIAGE. Is he ready for marriage or is he not? Honestly, the fact that you''ve had to continue to bring up the issue (even with the previous ring) makes it seem to me that he just isn''t ready but doesn''t want to lose you. If that''s the case, you need to decide if you can live without marriage. Will you be happy if he never decides to propose? Or is it a dealbreaker? Only you can decide what''s right for you.

Ultimatly, a proposal should not be something that you pressure someone else into doing (I''m not saying you are). It should be genuine and from the heart when the man is ready to commit to spend the rest of his life with a woman.

I waited longer than I wanted to for my proposal (not uncommon on PS at all haha) but my FI wanted to make sure that he had the money saved up to pay for the ring and not take a hit financially. He''s an accountant and has a TERRIBLE time spending money. However, when he had the money and was ready, he said it was the best money he''s ever spent. Bottom line: you need to decide what you want and ask him where he stands on marriage. If he really has a serious procrastination/following through problem, that''s something you need to work through together because that degree of procrastination could become a serious issue in a marriage. When you''re married you need to be able to count on your husband to do what he says he will and be responsible.

Good luck with whatever happens! If you set a timeline, which it sounds like you''re leaning towards, make sure you''re doing it for yourself and then stick to it. If you want to be engaged and he''s not ready, you have a difficult choice to make but make the choice that makes you happy

I think that you can relate to my situation because my SO also has a horrible tiime spending money. He grew up with not having anything so he holds onto everything (money) and is really hesitant towards spending large amounts of money. He also has a job that has horrible benefits and quite honestly he could be laid off at any moment. If he gets injured and is unable to work, he does not get paid...so he likes to have a "cushion" in his account. He is very private about his financial conditions but I do know that his account has never gone below $1,000. To me that''s a lot of money, but to him it''s not enough.


I agree with talking to him about marriage, but I feel like the subject has been beat to sh-t in the past year, honestly! I feel like if I bring it up again soon, he is just going to get irritated because he will think I''m not taking his word (when he told me that he was ready to spend the rest of his life with me).

I hope all of my worries are for nothing and that he makes his word worth something and uses the gift card soon. I just know how he is and that''s why I am worried.

I truly feel like yes he is ready. I feel like he thinks/knows that I am "The One", but I feel like he still might have some kind of hesitancy towards marriage and I think he is confused about his feelings. He works with men that have been divorced and he hears all of these horror storries about ex-wives taking all of their money and he freaks out. (He has a serious issue with money).

I mean how do I bring up a marriage talk without it seeming like I am trying to pressure him? I have been using the gift card as a symbol of his true feelings...if that makes any sense...

 

[jewelz617]

Date: 12/11/2009 12:23:44 PM
Author: RoxEHeart

Date: 12/11/2009 12:17:41 PM

Author: jewelz617

You can be engaged without a ring you know... if money is an issue, why are you harping on him spending money on a ring? Why not sit down like adults and discuss your financial situation? Sorry, but there seems to be a major lack of communication going on. Your priority should be wanting to spend your life with him and working towards that goal as a team, not setting a ridiculous ultimatum because you want a shiny rock to show off.

No offense, but maybe you should ask if we''ve talked about the price of the ring before.

When we initially looked, I found a ring that I thought would be within his budget. As time passed, I realized that the ring was quite expensive. We went a looked for a different ring that was more within his price range and I found one that was HALF the amount of the original ring. Since then, I have told him that honestly I didn''t care about the ring at all. I told him that I didn''t need a ring right now and if he felt like he need to get me one, I didn''t care if the ring cost $100! I told him I would like some tangible evidence of the commitment, but I do not care about how ''shiny'' the ring is.

No offense, but I think you''re missing my point. All you''re talking about is the ring, the ring, the ring. I read your original post. These are the reasons you cited for leaving him:
"At first I was a little upset, but eventually I realized that I am happy and I trusted him when he told me that the only reason it wasn''t going to happen was because of money. I trusted that he was making payments on it. Well, two months ago, he received a $500 gift card from his work. When he received it, he told me that it was going to go towards the ring..."

"He told me that he''s "never over there" (by the ring place). He works out at a gym right down the street. I told him that was a crappy excuse..."

"The way I see it, is that he''s not even making the effort to pay on the ring....so I made a decision that if he hasn''t used the gift card by the end of the year, that I would leave."

Now tell me that doesn''t sound like a breakdown in communication. The COST of the ring shouldn''t matter, you''re totally right! In fact, the ring shouldn''t even factor into conversation right now. What matters should be your ability to work through problems together, not bail out when you''re not getting what you want on your timeline. He''s made it clear he''s stressed about money, that should be the catalyst for the marriage discussion... not thinking about leaving because he hasn''t spent the gift card. If this man is The One, and you can''t imagine life without him, then no "tangible" possession should be needed to represent that. No need to get defensive just my $0.02

 

[RoxEHeart]

Date: 12/11/2009 12:42:57 PM
Author: jewelz617

Date: 12/11/2009 12:23:44 PM
Author: RoxEHeart

Date: 12/11/2009 12:17:41 PM

Author: jewelz617

You can be engaged without a ring you know... if money is an issue, why are you harping on him spending money on a ring? Why not sit down like adults and discuss your financial situation? Sorry, but there seems to be a major lack of communication going on. Your priority should be wanting to spend your life with him and working towards that goal as a team, not setting a ridiculous ultimatum because you want a shiny rock to show off.

No offense, but maybe you should ask if we''ve talked about the price of the ring before.

When we initially looked, I found a ring that I thought would be within his budget. As time passed, I realized that the ring was quite expensive. We went a looked for a different ring that was more within his price range and I found one that was HALF the amount of the original ring. Since then, I have told him that honestly I didn''t care about the ring at all. I told him that I didn''t need a ring right now and if he felt like he need to get me one, I didn''t care if the ring cost $100! I told him I would like some tangible evidence of the commitment, but I do not care about how ''shiny'' the ring is.

No offense, but I think you''re missing my point. All you''re talking about is the ring, the ring, the ring. I read your original post. These are the reasons you cited for leaving him:
''At first I was a little upset, but eventually I realized that I am happy and I trusted him when he told me that the only reason it wasn''t going to happen was because of money. I trusted that he was making payments on it. Well, two months ago, he received a $500 gift card from his work. When he received it, he told me that it was going to go towards the ring...''

''He told me that he''s ''never over there'' (by the ring place). He works out at a gym right down the street. I told him that was a crappy excuse...''

''The way I see it, is that he''s not even making the effort to pay on the ring....so I made a decision that if he hasn''t used the gift card by the end of the year, that I would leave.''

Now tell me that doesn''t sound like a breakdown in communication. The COST of the ring shouldn''t matter, you''re totally right! In fact, the ring shouldn''t even factor into conversation right now. What matters should be your ability to work through problems together, not bail out when you''re not getting what you want on your timeline. He''s made it clear he''s stressed about money, that should be the catalyst for the marriage discussion... not thinking about leaving because he hasn''t spent the gift card. If this man is The One, and you can''t imagine life without him, then no ''tangible'' possession should be needed to represent that. No need to get defensive just my $0.02

I can agree with you on some aspects because I will admit that it might seem selfish to talk about the ring. But what I am really talking about is what the ring symbolizes.

Also, is it considered bailing when you stand up for what you want and what you believe you deserve?

 

[lilyfoot]

Will the $500 cover the remaining balance on the ring? Or is there more he will have to pay after the $500?

There could be any amount of valid reasons why he hasn''t used the gift card to date. But obviously, if he doesn''t use it by the end of the year and you don''t get a proposal, then I would have to say it''s definitely time to re-evaluate where things are in your relationship. Only *you* can make the decision of how long you''re willing to wait.

I have never been in this situation, but if I was, I would leave. One of the qualities that I respect the most about my BF is that he is a man of his word. If he was not following through, and breaking his word to me, then he wouldn''t be the type of person I would like to spend the rest of my life with anyway.

Yes, you are right, actions speak louder than words. When a man wants to propose, he will. He will propose with no ring, a plastic ring, a $100 ring, whatever.

I''m not saying your BF doubts you''re "the one", but that also doesn''t mean he''s ready to get married.

I think you are very smart for not letting him in on your timeline. Good luck, keep us posted.

 

[RoxEHeart]

Date: 12/11/2009 1:25:19 PM
Author: lilyfoot
Will the $500 cover the remaining balance on the ring? Or is there more he will have to pay after the $500?

There could be any amount of valid reasons why he hasn''t used the gift card to date. But obviously, if he doesn''t use it by the end of the year and you don''t get a proposal, then I would have to say it''s definitely time to re-evaluate where things are in your relationship. Only *you* can make the decision of how long you''re willing to wait.

I have never been in this situation, but if I was, I would leave. One of the qualities that I respect the most about my BF is that he is a man of his word. If he was not following through, and breaking his word to me, then he wouldn''t be the type of person I would like to spend the rest of my life with anyway.

Yes, you are right, actions speak louder than words. When a man wants to propose, he will. He will propose with no ring, a plastic ring, a $100 ring, whatever.

I''m not saying your BF doubts you''re ''the one'', but that also doesn''t mean he''s ready to get married.

I think you are very smart for not letting him in on your timeline. Good luck, keep us posted.

I agree whole-heartedly with your response and I think it''s what I needed to hear. The $500 will not pay off the ring in it''s entirety, but it will be enough money that has been put down for them to be able to start setting my ring.

I am still on the fence of what action to take if the gift card doesn''t get used by the end of the year...if I am going to make the decision to leave, or if I am going to confront him head on about marriage. At this point in the game, I have decided not to bring it up again until after the new year.

Please everyone pray that I have the strength not to bring it up again (until after the new year) even if that gift card remains unused on our bar....I think it''s going to be really hard not to do so!!!

 

[Bia]

Date: 12/11/2009 1:21:01 PM
Author: RoxEHeart

Date: 12/11/2009 12:42:57 PM

Author: jewelz617

Date: 12/11/2009 12:23:44 PM

Author: RoxEHeart

Date: 12/11/2009 12:17:41 PM


Author: jewelz617


You can be engaged without a ring you know... if money is an issue, why are you harping on him spending money on a ring? Why not sit down like adults and discuss your financial situation? Sorry, but there seems to be a major lack of communication going on. Your priority should be wanting to spend your life with him and working towards that goal as a team, not setting a ridiculous ultimatum because you want a shiny rock to show off.

No offense, but maybe you should ask if we''ve talked about the price of the ring before.


When we initially looked, I found a ring that I thought would be within his budget. As time passed, I realized that the ring was quite expensive. We went a looked for a different ring that was more within his price range and I found one that was HALF the amount of the original ring. Since then, I have told him that honestly I didn''t care about the ring at all. I told him that I didn''t need a ring right now and if he felt like he need to get me one, I didn''t care if the ring cost $100! I told him I would like some tangible evidence of the commitment, but I do not care about how ''shiny'' the ring is.

No offense, but I think you''re missing my point. All you''re talking about is the ring, the ring, the ring. I read your original post. These are the reasons you cited for leaving him:

''At first I was a little upset, but eventually I realized that I am happy and I trusted him when he told me that the only reason it wasn''t going to happen was because of money. I trusted that he was making payments on it. Well, two months ago, he received a $500 gift card from his work. When he received it, he told me that it was going to go towards the ring...''


''He told me that he''s ''never over there'' (by the ring place). He works out at a gym right down the street. I told him that was a crappy excuse...''


''The way I see it, is that he''s not even making the effort to pay on the ring....so I made a decision that if he hasn''t used the gift card by the end of the year, that I would leave.''


Now tell me that doesn''t sound like a breakdown in communication. The COST of the ring shouldn''t matter, you''re totally right! In fact, the ring shouldn''t even factor into conversation right now. What matters should be your ability to work through problems together, not bail out when you''re not getting what you want on your timeline. He''s made it clear he''s stressed about money, that should be the catalyst for the marriage discussion... not thinking about leaving because he hasn''t spent the gift card. If this man is The One, and you can''t imagine life without him, then no ''tangible'' possession should be needed to represent that. No need to get defensive just my $0.02

I can agree with you on some aspects because I will admit that it might seem selfish to talk about the ring. But what I am really talking about is what the ring symbolizes.


Also, is it considered bailing when you stand up for what you want and what you believe you deserve?

IMO it''s not bailing if you know it''s no longer working, or you are no longer happy.

You mentioned you think your man is a procrastinator. Mine is too (big time). I''ve had to accept that most likely that will never change - he is who he is. But I will say, he didn''t put off the engagement once he knew he was ready. In my experience, here and in the real world, it seems that men who are ready don''t wait very long (of course there are exceptions). Once they know they want to do it, they do. Excuses are usually just excuses.

 

[jewelz617]

Date: 12/11/2009 1:21:01 PM
Author: RoxEHeart

Date: 12/11/2009 12:42:57 PM

Author: jewelz617

Date: 12/11/2009 12:23:44 PM

Author: RoxEHeart

Date: 12/11/2009 12:17:41 PM


Author: jewelz617


You can be engaged without a ring you know... if money is an issue, why are you harping on him spending money on a ring? Why not sit down like adults and discuss your financial situation? Sorry, but there seems to be a major lack of communication going on. Your priority should be wanting to spend your life with him and working towards that goal as a team, not setting a ridiculous ultimatum because you want a shiny rock to show off.

No offense, but maybe you should ask if we''ve talked about the price of the ring before.


When we initially looked, I found a ring that I thought would be within his budget. As time passed, I realized that the ring was quite expensive. We went a looked for a different ring that was more within his price range and I found one that was HALF the amount of the original ring. Since then, I have told him that honestly I didn''t care about the ring at all. I told him that I didn''t need a ring right now and if he felt like he need to get me one, I didn''t care if the ring cost $100! I told him I would like some tangible evidence of the commitment, but I do not care about how ''shiny'' the ring is.

No offense, but I think you''re missing my point. All you''re talking about is the ring, the ring, the ring. I read your original post. These are the reasons you cited for leaving him:

''At first I was a little upset, but eventually I realized that I am happy and I trusted him when he told me that the only reason it wasn''t going to happen was because of money. I trusted that he was making payments on it. Well, two months ago, he received a $500 gift card from his work. When he received it, he told me that it was going to go towards the ring...''


''He told me that he''s ''never over there'' (by the ring place). He works out at a gym right down the street. I told him that was a crappy excuse...''


''The way I see it, is that he''s not even making the effort to pay on the ring....so I made a decision that if he hasn''t used the gift card by the end of the year, that I would leave.''


Now tell me that doesn''t sound like a breakdown in communication. The COST of the ring shouldn''t matter, you''re totally right! In fact, the ring shouldn''t even factor into conversation right now. What matters should be your ability to work through problems together, not bail out when you''re not getting what you want on your timeline. He''s made it clear he''s stressed about money, that should be the catalyst for the marriage discussion... not thinking about leaving because he hasn''t spent the gift card. If this man is The One, and you can''t imagine life without him, then no ''tangible'' possession should be needed to represent that. No need to get defensive just my $0.02

I can agree with you on some aspects because I will admit that it might seem selfish to talk about the ring. But what I am really talking about is what the ring symbolizes.


Also, is it considered bailing when you stand up for what you want and what you believe you deserve?

There is nothing wrong with standing up for what you want and knowing what you deserve. I applaud your sense of self worth, and not wanting to hang around in a relationship that isn''t going to result in marriage since it''s what you want. I believe most long term committed relationships should result in marriage, if both parties have agreed that it''s what they want. But I have also seen many marriages fail because (believe it or not) the couple had only been thinking of short term goals: Engagement, ring, wedding, white dress, venue, honeymoon. But once it''s all over, you''re left facing a lifetime of mis communication, fighting, financial problems, different priorities.

All I''m saying is that I think you need to really zoom out on the big picture. You said money is an issue for him. Did you know money is the #1 reason for divorce? You''re obviously crazy about your man. And you want to marry him, and it sounds like he wants to marry you too. A rational, grown up discussion can work wonders. Approach him with the mindset that you want to work WITH him, not that you''ve got your priorities in hand and if they aren''t going to be realized you will leave. Tell him the blanket statement of "finance" isn''t getting you anywhere. What are the problems specifically and how can they be fixed. Maybe he needs to make an appointment with a financial adviser, request a copy of his credit report, take a look at how much he spends vs. how much he makes. In doing so, he is taking steps towards future life success, which equals a successful marriage with less stress and obstacles. You know your boyfriend the best and in the end you need to do what is right for you. Sometimes an outside unbiased view never hurts and I hope I''m not coming off rude

 

[jewelz617]

Forgot to add: if you have this talk and he makes no effort to change the situation he''s in, THEN by all means, hit the road girl!

 

[RoxEHeart]

Date: 12/11/2009 1:46:09 PM
Author: jewelz617

Date: 12/11/2009 1:21:01 PM
Author: RoxEHeart

Date: 12/11/2009 12:42:57 PM

Author: jewelz617

Date: 12/11/2009 12:23:44 PM

Author: RoxEHeart

Date: 12/11/2009 12:17:41 PM


Author: jewelz617


You can be engaged without a ring you know... if money is an issue, why are you harping on him spending money on a ring? Why not sit down like adults and discuss your financial situation? Sorry, but there seems to be a major lack of communication going on. Your priority should be wanting to spend your life with him and working towards that goal as a team, not setting a ridiculous ultimatum because you want a shiny rock to show off.

No offense, but maybe you should ask if we''ve talked about the price of the ring before.


When we initially looked, I found a ring that I thought would be within his budget. As time passed, I realized that the ring was quite expensive. We went a looked for a different ring that was more within his price range and I found one that was HALF the amount of the original ring. Since then, I have told him that honestly I didn''t care about the ring at all. I told him that I didn''t need a ring right now and if he felt like he need to get me one, I didn''t care if the ring cost $100! I told him I would like some tangible evidence of the commitment, but I do not care about how ''shiny'' the ring is.

No offense, but I think you''re missing my point. All you''re talking about is the ring, the ring, the ring. I read your original post. These are the reasons you cited for leaving him:

''At first I was a little upset, but eventually I realized that I am happy and I trusted him when he told me that the only reason it wasn''t going to happen was because of money. I trusted that he was making payments on it. Well, two months ago, he received a $500 gift card from his work. When he received it, he told me that it was going to go towards the ring...''


''He told me that he''s ''never over there'' (by the ring place). He works out at a gym right down the street. I told him that was a crappy excuse...''


''The way I see it, is that he''s not even making the effort to pay on the ring....so I made a decision that if he hasn''t used the gift card by the end of the year, that I would leave.''


Now tell me that doesn''t sound like a breakdown in communication. The COST of the ring shouldn''t matter, you''re totally right! In fact, the ring shouldn''t even factor into conversation right now. What matters should be your ability to work through problems together, not bail out when you''re not getting what you want on your timeline. He''s made it clear he''s stressed about money, that should be the catalyst for the marriage discussion... not thinking about leaving because he hasn''t spent the gift card. If this man is The One, and you can''t imagine life without him, then no ''tangible'' possession should be needed to represent that. No need to get defensive just my $0.02

I can agree with you on some aspects because I will admit that it might seem selfish to talk about the ring. But what I am really talking about is what the ring symbolizes.


Also, is it considered bailing when you stand up for what you want and what you believe you deserve?

There is nothing wrong with standing up for what you want and knowing what you deserve. I applaud your sense of self worth, and not wanting to hang around in a relationship that isn''t going to result in marriage since it''s what you want. I believe most long term committed relationships should result in marriage, if both parties have agreed that it''s what they want. But I have also seen many marriages fail because (believe it or not) the couple had only been thinking of short term goals: Engagement, ring, wedding, white dress, venue, honeymoon. But once it''s all over, you''re left facing a lifetime of mis communication, fighting, financial problems, different priorities.

All I''m saying is that I think you need to really zoom out on the big picture. You said money is an issue for him. Did you know money is the #1 reason for divorce? You''re obviously crazy about your man. And you want to marry him, and it sounds like he wants to marry you too. A rational, grown up discussion can work wonders. Approach him with the mindset that you want to work WITH him, not that you''ve got your priorities in hand and if they aren''t going to be realized you will leave. Tell him the blanket statement of ''finance'' isn''t getting you anywhere. What are the problems specifically and how can they be fixed. Maybe he needs to make an appointment with a financial adviser, request a copy of his credit report, take a look at how much he spends vs. how much he makes. In doing so, he is taking steps towards future life success, which equals a successful marriage with less stress and obstacles. You know your boyfriend the best and in the end you need to do what is right for you. Sometimes an outside unbiased view never hurts and I hope I''m not coming off rude

No you''re not coming off rude at all. I agree with you and I do think it''s something we definitely need to come together on and figure out together. Thank you for your two cents!!

 

[ProseCuter]

Date: 12/11/2009 12:33:14 PM
Author: RoxEHeart

Date: 12/11/2009 12:23:46 PM

Author: Treasure43

I truly feel like yes he is ready.

You feel that he is ready, but as mentioned, his actions show otherwise.

On a side note, it really bothers me when a LIW posts about her frustration at not seeing her man do anything towards becoming engaged, and others on here encourage her that maybe he is "doing something secretly to surprise her". Ok, seriously...how often does that happen? I think saying that only leads to more disappointment. I know those that say that are trying to help, but can anyone tell me that hearing that ultimately made them feel better?

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Date: 12/11/2009 12:28:45 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
He set himself a deadline for the end of this year. You need to trust that it will happen by then--he put this on his own shoulders, so if I were you I''d step back and give him until the end of the year. No talk about the gift card, no discussions to keep it on his radar. He knows about his deadline, let him be a big boy and do this on his own. If he doesn''t, then you have a very easy segway into the engagement discussion (''Honey, you set your own deadline, what happened?'') If he tells you that it''s still a money issue, let him know you don''t need a ring. If he still hems and haws, then you know it''s not about money and you can determine your next move at that point.

My then-boyfriend also set his own deadline. He proposed the day of his own deadline, which was already a red flag for me since he essentially dragged his feet to the last day. He admits it was a desperate proposal to keep me (I''d raised the stakes for staying in the relationship) and I ended up leaving anyway because I knew he wasn''t ready. It was one of the best things I''ve ever done for myself.

I did exactly what NEL has suggested. I saw a certain date, mentioned to my then-boyfriend that it was a perfect date for a wedding and from that point forward we were engaged. About 9 months later I got a cluster diamond ring. It wasn''t my dream ring but I still loved it and showed everyone my ring with pride. About a month after getting my cluster ring I got my dream ring - complete with an "official" proposal with my then-boyfriend on bended knee. He had been working towards saving for the ring the whole time. I had no idea and we own a home together - that''s how sneaky he was about it.

At least the giftcard has remained unspent, right?

 

[RoxEHeart]

Date: 12/11/2009 4:00:01 PM
Author: Keepingthefaith21

Date: 12/11/2009 12:28:45 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
He set himself a deadline for the end of this year. You need to trust that it will happen by then--he put this on his own shoulders, so if I were you I''d step back and give him until the end of the year. No talk about the gift card, no discussions to keep it on his radar. He knows about his deadline, let him be a big boy and do this on his own. If he doesn''t, then you have a very easy segway into the engagement discussion (''Honey, you set your own deadline, what happened?'') If he tells you that it''s still a money issue, let him know you don''t need a ring. If he still hems and haws, then you know it''s not about money and you can determine your next move at that point.

My then-boyfriend also set his own deadline. He proposed the day of his own deadline, which was already a red flag for me since he essentially dragged his feet to the last day. He admits it was a desperate proposal to keep me (I''d raised the stakes for staying in the relationship) and I ended up leaving anyway because I knew he wasn''t ready. It was one of the best things I''ve ever done for myself.

I did exactly what NEL has suggested. I saw a certain date, mentioned to my then-boyfriend that it was a perfect date for a wedding and from that point forward we were engaged. About 9 months later I got a cluster diamond ring. It wasn''t my dream ring but I still loved it and showed everyone my ring with pride. About a month after getting my cluster ring I got my dream ring - complete with an ''official'' proposal with my then-boyfriend on bended knee. He had been working towards saving for the ring the whole time. I had no idea and we own a home together - that''s how sneaky he was about it.

At least the giftcard has remained unspent, right?

LOL, yes I guess that is a positive way of looking at things.

 

[peterspixie]

After reading most of the posts I can understand how you feel. I had to have a heart to heart with my BF about enagagement and the meaning behind that besides the cost of a ring. He was always concerned about asking me to marry him because he wanted to have a ring, but also wanted it to be AWESOME! (He is a fulltime student and working off and on while in school) I had to explain to him that the "commitment" and the fact that he is willing to make one was what was important, not how expensive or how big the "rock" was. After having that conversation with him he started asking me my ring size...showing me pictures of Erings and asking my opinions on them. Then he made a statement that has made me almost convinced I will be engaged by the end of or beginning of the year. He said "If I bought you a temp ring would you be mad if we upgraded later?" Now with that I had to play it cool and tell him no, like I have always told him he could get me a ring out of a gumball machine and i wouldnt care...it''s the actual act that was important to me.

Your SO may be under a lot of pressure that you may be unaware of. If he procrastinates like you say maybe you can give him a healthy nudge without pressuring him. Make a date of it. Go dinning or shopping near the ring place and make sure he brings the card! I don''t know wether this helped at all but take it from someone who has been in a relationship for 4 yrs and after yr 2 started to get the wedding itch! above all give him a little breathing room and dont make it a do it or im gone situation.

 

[vetrogrl]

This is a response to "Prosecuter" you mentioned you don''t understand why LIW say that "maybe another LIW''s SO is planning to secretly propose to her" as it never happens and gives false hopes...so not true all the time...I thought my SO wasn''t going to propose until at least sometime next year, even when we talked about it all the way back this past February. He wanted me to find what I loved...but I wasn''t expecting anything until at least next year. It seemed as if he were procrastinating too and it would never happen,but fast forward to now we''re engaged and picking up my completed ring this Monday.

I also had a family member who was in the same situation where her now husband was procrastinating...well it seemed as if he was...and they had been together for 4 years...he acted very non-chalant...but he popped the question to my cousin out of nowhere, and wanted it that way because he wanted it to be a complete secret. I understand that if this behavior is going on and on and still no commnication of what either 2 people want in the future and the excuses continue...then yes it would be false hope for "hoping for a secret proposal" but men wanting to completely surprise their SO do happen!