Lack of closeness to extended family

[lumpkin]

If your extended family is either not geographically near you or you don''t have a close relationship with them, I''d love to know how you provide your children with safe substitutes.

My husband and I are both youngest children by at least 10 years. Our sibblings either didn''t, couldn''t or long ago had children. The ones that didn''t or couldn''t are not really kid people and really are not interested in being involved with our kids. We each have one sibbling that had kids but those sibblings are estranged from the family and we never see them. We see the others on major holidays but otherwise they are not involved at all. Our parents are much older, approaching 80, and do not have the stamina, interest or inclination to be really involved. My extended family is a mess, through no fault of mine -- they were that way long before I came along, and I don''t want to go into detail. My husband''s family is a lot less dysfunctional, but they are not the kind of people you can be close to. They are really distant and as long as we keep things light and not too intimate, they are fine to deal with, but they are not really close to the kids, either. They love the IDEA of having grandkids but the reality of actually interacting with them is pretty foreign to them, LOL! I don''t mean to paint them badly, they are actually very nice people, just not the kind of grandparents (or aunt and uncle) who do much more than send birthday cards and exchange gifts during holidays.

Lately it has really been depressing me, and I know that at some point our kids will need community mentors for the kids that are not naturally there. I know they really, really need that. My older one is in scouts, and that is a great start, but he is going to need a mentor outside of the family that he has his own relationship with. But people are weird, ya know? We have a baby sitter across the street and she''s a nice girl and I was really hopeful that she would become a regular babysitter so the kids would have a sort of older kid influence (and we would regularly be able to have time alone together without worrying), but the police were over at her house on Easter. There were two police cars and an ambulance. I don''t feel comfortable asking about it. I know the grandmother lives there and has Alsheimer''s but I don''t know if it had something to do with her or not. The or not scares me.

As soon as I kind of let my guard down with people outside the family I find out things about them that make me feel unsafe with them and that make me untrusting of letting them be alone with our kids. We are looking for a church we like, but I''m kind of squeamish about getting too close to people there because I think people tend to put on their very best face at church, and it''s not necessarily who they really are. Does that make sense or sound ultra paranoid???

I''m stuck and I have not really been able to find any answers via internet or even my two very close friends. One doesn''t think we need to worry about finding a support network outside the immediate family and the other thinks I should be a lot more trusting. But, she has a really nice, trustworthy extended family. She thinks people are wonderful and has trusted her kids to others far more than I am capable of. Her family is far away, and she has "adopted" an older couple as surrogate grandparents to her girls. I just don''t think I could do that.

Anyway, I''d really appreciate any thoughts or experiences you''d like to share about this.

 

[Maisie]

Hi Lumpkin

I know exactly what you mean. I have my mum and dad (they are divorced) who live nearby but they don''t really see my kids that often. I would leave them with my mum if I needed to go away somewhere but only because I have older children who could sort of be in charge with my mum overseeing things.

I worry about my youngest, James. Its looking more likely that he has a syndrome called Fragile X which means he will need to be supported all of his life. I am already scared about getting old and dying (depressing I know - considering I am only 35). I keep thinking he will have nobody who can love and care for him as much as I do.

I don''t have a relationship with my older sister. I just can''t be around her. The choices she has made for her life are hugely different to anything I would opt for - her partner for example is a convicted paedophile and she left her 5 children to be with him. Her lifestyle is totally chaotic and she is not the kind of person I could trust round my kids.

My other sister has moved away from this area. I love her very much and miss her every day. However she suffers from depression and finds it hard to look outside of her situation. I don''t know if I could rely on her to help me with my children at all.

My husbands family live over 300 miles away from us and we don''t really have a close relationship either.

We also have the same problem as you regarding finding a church. We left our church because it seemed to me that we just weren''t good enough to be there. The other members looked down their noses at us because we aren''t well off.

My family here - (hubby kids and me) are very close and supportive of each other. I think that we don''t really have a choice in this. Its just the way things have happened. I would love some support but up till now I haven''t really found anyone who I can trust enough to ''let them in''......

 

[lumpkin]

Thanks for sharing that with me, Maisie. I''ve kind of been feeling like we''re some of the only people with this problem -- and wondering if I''m the cause. I tend to have a few really close friends and prefer really close relationships to having lots of friends that are more casual. Because of my family I am not comfortable, as you say, letting people in, at least not until I really feel they''re safe. My mother made some very poor choices in husbands and the aftermath of my sibblings'' abuse is never ending. Two of them are grasping, suspicious, insecure people you truly can''t turn your back on and the other has simply distanced herself from everyone and is in an what I suspect is an abusive marriage with a man who loves her but came from a highly abusive family. Abuse of so many forms is prevailant in my mother''s family. It has caused me to be very wary of people and sometimes I wonder if I am missing out on some wonderful people because of it. But often when I''ve let down my guard a little I find something under the surface that worries me, and often I''ve been very right, unfortunately.

 

[Maisie]

I don''t think there is anything wrong relying on your ''safety radar''. As you say, you have been right in being suspicious of people. In this day and age there are far too many things that can go wrong so you should be vigilant. Children are so very precious, we need to make sure they are safe at all times.

I have no female friends at all. I just don''t let people close to me. Its funny that I can bare my soul on a forum but not let anyone in ''real life'' close to me. I guess the being annonymous on here allows me to be more open. The only time I feel that I am missing out is when Gary and I have an argument and I have nobody to go and complain about him to!

I recently went back to work and I think the most exhausting part of being there is having to make idle chit-chat to my co-workers. Sometimes I would like to just go and do my work and come home - but the environment I am in means I have to speak to them a lot.... so much bitchiness and gossip, it really drives me mad! Maybe I am just anti-social.... I hope not

 

[lumpkin]

I have two good friends I can tell anything to. But that''s pretty much it.

Maisie I know what you mean. I don''t like to gossip at the water cooler either. But I wasn''t particularly concerned with other people''s skeletons, either. I was a lot more social before I had kids. I don''t know, maybe it''s just the age group they are right now.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Lumpkin, with today''s mobile world, most of us probably raise our kids away from the grandparents. I think it is more the norm than not, particularly with college educated people. So I really don''t think you need to worry about that or mentors in the community. Your kids eventually will have friends, and perhaps you''ll become friends with some of the mothers, and then you''ll have some other families to do things with. As far as church goes, it''s like anything else. If you get involved and get to know people, it won''t be superficial at all. You''ll know the people you see as good examples and whose families you''d like to spend time with. In our case, our closest friends are church friends, and some of them are closer to us than our siblings, and certainly most of them are better influences for our kids!

 

[phoenixgirl]

Hmmm, I don''t have any children, but I was talking about this with my neighbor the other day. They have two children -- 3rd and 6th grade -- who are sort of the neighborhood children. We haven''t lived there long, but the kids are already coming over looking for us. If we''re on the front porch, up they come. If we''re in the backyard, over they come. Last night my husband was weeding and the younger one came and helped him finish. We found out the other day that they''ve never been to a baseball game, so we''re going to take them to one soon.

The mom was saying how we are an agist society, and how she thinks it''s important for her children to get to know people of different ages. I agree with that. We have a hard time transitioning from thinking of ourselves as belonging to a defined age group to just being an adult who can hang out with people 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, or 80 years old. These children are very good at interacting with adults and seem to be happy and healthy.

They are definitely very trusting, I guess because they''ve never been given a reason not to be. I''m glad for that, and I''d like my children to be the same way, but at the same time, children should be told to run away if an adult says or does something inappropriate. I think that''s the key. It doesn''t teach your children any life skills to keep them isolated for fear of what someone may do to them. They need to learn to trust and enjoy the company of most people, and protect themselves when in the presence of the few people who may not be quite right mentally. They won''t learn to do that if they are overly protected or isolated.

Your posts all end with the admonition to "love much." People are out there who will love your children and provide more happiness in their lives. You just might need to look a little to find them. There are all sorts of churches, and then there are also service organizations. Or you could just make more of an effort to spend time with your close friends and their families, maybe even latching onto your friend''s parents or surrogate parents.

 

[lumpkin]

Date: 4/29/2007 10:43:47 AM
Author: phoenixgirl
Hmmm, I don''t have any children, but I was talking about this with my neighbor the other day. They have two children -- 3rd and 6th grade -- who are sort of the neighborhood children. We haven''t lived there long, but the kids are already coming over looking for us. If we''re on the front porch, up they come. If we''re in the backyard, over they come. Last night my husband was weeding and the younger one came and helped him finish. We found out the other day that they''ve never been to a baseball game, so we''re going to take them to one soon.

The mom was saying how we are an agist society, and how she thinks it''s important for her children to get to know people of different ages. I agree with that. We have a hard time transitioning from thinking of ourselves as belonging to a defined age group to just being an adult who can hang out with people 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, or 80 years old. These children are very good at interacting with adults and seem to be happy and healthy.

They are definitely very trusting, I guess because they''ve never been given a reason not to be. I''m glad for that, and I''d like my children to be the same way, but at the same time, children should be told to run away if an adult says or does something inappropriate. I think that''s the key. It doesn''t teach your children any life skills to keep them isolated for fear of what someone may do to them. They need to learn to trust and enjoy the company of most people, and protect themselves when in the presence of the few people who may not be quite right mentally. They won''t learn to do that if they are overly protected or isolated.

Your posts all end with the admonition to ''love much.'' People are out there who will love your children and provide more happiness in their lives. You just might need to look a little to find them. There are all sorts of churches, and then there are also service organizations. Or you could just make more of an effort to spend time with your close friends and their families, maybe even latching onto your friend''s parents or surrogate parents.

PG, regarding the first part I highlighted, I believe you are absolutely right. I don''t want my kids to be isolated AT ALL and that''s why I do think it''s so important for them to have relationships with older people outside of the immediate family. But I''m not sure children are able to "protect themselves" at their age, and they may not always read people accurately. My older one has Asperger''s and he''s waaaaaaaayyyyyy too trusting and doesn''t read people well. I think maybe I just need to get out there and join some groups where the kids will be with me or my husband and they can interact under our supervision. I''m not much of a joiner and maybe I need to push out of my own comfort zone.

As for the second part I highlighted, I really didn''t mean my signature to be an admonishment to anyone here on the forum. It''s something I saw somewhere that stuck with me as a wise philosophy and it''s more of a favorite quote (and perhaps more of an admonishment to MYSELF because I''m such a worrier). I will put it in quotes because I didn''t before, and I can''t really claim it as my own -- someone else thought of it and I just happened to see it and like it.