l am so disappointed right now, l could scream and cry. Oh wait, l''ve been doing that since last n

[gwendolyn]

Warning: long, moan-y and generally depressing.

I am absolutely gutted. Over six months ago, James'' family all agreed to come out to the US wedding celebration we''re having about 2 months after our legal wedding here in the UK. I was over the moon about this!! The only time in our lives we will have everyone we care about in one place!!! (Which, to me, is what weddings are all about--sharing and celebrating with those we love.) I''m one of those people who gets easily excited--my highs are very high and my lows are very low.

Well, I''m currently very, very low. James'' sisters and their families have pulled out of the US wedding. Not sure about his parents.

One of them is genuinely apologetic and regretful about it, and has a somewhat complicated situation that makes it understandable that she would find it difficult to manage to come, and actually was talked OUT of going by the other sister and J''s mother because the other sister wasn''t going so why should she.

This other sister...let''s call her S.

S, on the other hand, has said that she would be going if it was the "REAL" wedding, but since it''s "JUST" my family and friends, there''s no reason for her family to stretch its budget for it. She also decided a few months ago to completely redo her kitchen, and admitted that if she had waited a bit to do that, there would have been plenty of money to make the trip (which, again, she had agreed to do months before the renovation came up). But she doesn''t see the need, because it''s "JUST" my family, and not the "REAL" wedding.

Then, J''s mother gets involved and decides to go behind our backs to look at fancier wedding locations (we''re doing a registry office wedding and a reception at J''s parents'' house, because she insisted on inviting her brothers and sisters and cooking the food!!) so that the sisters wouldn''t feel like they were missing anything. So she went to one of the places we looked at before, GAVE THEM OUR NAMES AND RESERVED A DATE (a date when I plan on being on our honeymoon). Um, we don''t even have permission to marry yet, so we CAN''T book a date. And what is she doing, going behind our backs to do it? Why not just ask us if we want to do something fancier for the UK wedding? Besides, the sisters ARE missing out--they''re missing out on me, and all the people I care about, and all the fun we are going to have together. They are missing out on seeing me in my element, in my beautiful home country, with my most important people, and as a result they will never be able to know me as well as they could have. And, at least for S, she doesn''t seem like she''s gives a crap about me anyway, so it probably shouldn''t bother me as much as it does. She has always read into things and leapt to very rash, judgmental and WRONG assumptions about me and thinks that her brother is marrying a lazy, unsociable money-mooching good-for-nothing, and I cannot TELL you how much I was looking forward to PROVING HER WRONG when she got to see me at home, having fun with my big group of best friends who are like family to me.

So, while J was telling me all this last night, I kind of flipped out about J''s mom (well, called her ''weird'' but there were loooooots of other things that came to mind) and he got pissed and yelled at me for being "unfair" to his mother because "she''s just trying to help." Yelled at me, while I was sobbing in supreme disappointment about his sisters not being able to come. I couldn''t take that so I went to sob like my heart was broken, and he just sat in the living room, like he was made of stone, ignoring me. It revolted me, and broke my heart, that he could act so callously towards me when I was so obviously upset and distressed. I need support, not for him to make things a hundred times worse by shouting at me when things are already horribly sad and depressing! Just heartbreaking...to say that I have no excitement about the wedding now is putting it mildly. How can I look into his face and see someone who is going to vow to love me and honour me for my whole life, but who can treat me that way?

I cried so much and so hard that I threw up three times last night. Very few times in my life have I felt so alone, so pushed aside, so unimportant and unloved. Lots of brides freak out about napkin colours or bouquets or whatever--these things mean nothing to me. All that matters is the people, and that''s the one thing that is forever out of my reach. Always and forever.

 

[ladypirate]

Oh, Gwen. I''m so so sorry. *Hugs*

 

[meresal]

Gwen, I am so sorry. If this was how his family was going to react, then you could have had the entire thing in the US. Aren't you having it overseas in order to accomodate for HIS family?

I can't believe his mom went behind yours and J's backs. That is not fair at all. I'm so sorry that J treated you that way as well... I know exactly what you are going thru, and the only way to get passed it, is for him to acknowledge that what he did was inappropriate and apologize. I hope that he will give that to you.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Gwen I am so sorry! Families can be so difficult and it''s really hard when people live far apart, especially in two countries! I am so sorry that you are dealing with this! I know it''s hard but try to sort things out with your FI, if you two are united together it will be much easier to weather these difficult storms.

as for MIL and S

I am so angry for you! I don''t know what else to say except that I totally understand why you are upset and would be LIVID if my MIL tried to do something like that!

 

[kama_s]

Oh, Gwen. I really don''t know what to say, except that I really do think J''s being rather unfair. I''m just going to give you lots of e-hugs and keep you in my thoughts. I''m so sad and upset for you right now.

FWIW, I agree with you fully. You really aren''t asking for much. I know it would be upsetting that J''s family can''t make it, but I think it''s J''s behaviour that hurts the most. He should be supporting you no matter what - he''s got to be your rock.

 

[princesss]

Oh, Gwennie! My heart is breaking for you. *BIG HUGS* and much love coming to you from this side of the Atlantic.

 

[junebug17]

Aw Gwen, I''m so sorry you''re disappointed, and I don''t think there''s much anyone can say to change that, but I think after some time has passed you will get accustomed to the idea of them not coming and won''t be as upset...you just have to work through these emotions and let them run their course. Hang in there sweetie, you will feel better, just give yourself some time. And I''m sorry your fiances reaction upset you, but I think once you and James have calmed down a bit you can have a conversation about what happened. I think there were just too many emotions flying around for the two of you to have a meaningful talk about all of this. And as for his mother, what she did was certainly nervy. My advice is to step back, take some deep breathes, and give yourself a chance to calm down, then have a talk with James. I''m sending big hugs to you, and I''m sorry about all of this!

 

[sba771]

This post made me start to cry (I am a bit emotional today) I am so upset for you. I am so sorry. I wish I knew how to make it better. If you need a vacation or need to clear your head you are welcome to pop over to Frankfurt- I have a spare bedroom and a cute puppy! and I do know how hard it is to be away from your family. huge HUGS!

 

[HollyS]

I''m truly sorry that you are feeling so awful.

I could give you my perspective, but I don''t think that would really help you at this point. In a few days, when you have had a chance to get calmer, you will see a few things with different eyes. I''m sure you will.

Deep breaths.

Remember: 1) You cannot please everyone, 2) you cannot control anyone but yourself, 3) life is NEVER exactly as we fondly wish.

 

[pinki]

awww, *hugs*. I know that no matter what I say could make you feel better, but I don''t think you should doubt your FI''s love for you. Men are just less emotional than us, and if they do upset us they typically don''t know how to react to it. He may have thought that leaving you alone was what you wanted.

It will get better!

 

[allycat0303]

Completely horrible Gwen. My heart seriously breaks for you. I had run in''s with MIL and had my own share of husband''s totally unfair behavior, so I get this. All I can say is that you WILL get through it. Weddings are a really stressful time, and everything is heightened. Sometimes you feel as though you are going out of your way to accomodate, and the sentiment is just not reciprocated. You are entitled to a good cry. You have been more then accomodating, and they are being unfair.

 

[stephbolt]

Oh Gwen. I''m so so sorry you are going through this. I hope J can come around and realize how unsupportive he is being. Hugs to you.

 

[Prana]

Aw, Gwen, I''m really sorry. Big hugs for you! I do hope that you are able to talk it through with everyone, most of all J, and I hope that he is able to understand your upset.

 

[Octavia]

Gwen, first things first. I think that, when you feel a bit calmer, you really need to address the way J acted toward you. I think he really does love you, but from some of the things you've posted about your wedding stress, it seems like he might have that stiff-upper-lip attitude that you should just suck things up and keep your emotions to yourself. And it doesn't seem like that's going to work for you. You are one-half of the relationship and don't deserve to be treated like your feelings and wishes count for less. If J is going to be your husband, you will have to come FIRST, and he will have to learn that what his mother wants with respect to your relationship is subordinate to what YOU want. It just seems like you and J need to get through that issue before you can go forward with wedding stuff with a clear mind. And if you know and feel that J is behind you 100%, I think it will be easier (though not any more fun) to deal with the disappointment of his family not coming to the US.

FWIW, we had a similar issue where several of my DH's friends and family members were planning to come to our wedding but dropped out within the month or two before the wedding. His own brothers didn't end up coming (not that they didn't want to, but were unable to make the trip for various reasons). His intended best man was denied time off from his job. Other friends put off booking flights when they were relatively cheap, and then couldn't afford to come when prices went up. And so forth. I know that DH was disappointed, and the wedding was bittersweet for both of us because a huge chunk of very important people was missing. I won't pretend that I didn't wish the wedding had turned out differently in that way, but we're married and happy and made the best of a crappy situation, and that's just how it has to be for us. I'd bet that, after your wedding is over and the stress has dissipated, you'll end up feeling the same way. In the meantime, hugs.

 

[trillionaire]

I''m so sorry that you are havinf such an awful time with your plans. I can totally relate to feeling like so much is out of your control, and that you are going out of your way for people who are less than appreciative. I think that you and James need to have a talk, and make it clear that you guys are a team, and that you need to confront problems, not each other. It''s hard to to take sides with family, and it does get very heated, but you are marrying into this family, which means that you are going to be dealing with drama that they create for a long time to come. Now is as good a time as any to figure out how to talk calmly about issues with family without making it personal. It''s hard, and I certainly haven''t mastered it (got in a brief tiff about such issues myself yesterday), but it''s good to talk it out and work on your ''team skills'' as a couple.

Lots of hugs and bests of Luck! Your day WILL be amazing, because you will be with the people who care about you the ABSOLUTE most, and not one person more. And really, those are the ones that matter.

 

[katamari]

Oh Gwen, this breaks my heart! I assure you, as someone who recently crossed over, that being married is so far less taxing on a relationship (and the emotions of those involved) than getting married ever was.

I second Octavia's recommendation to cool down and then talk to him about it. I know my DH is particularly sensitive when I say anything at all about his family. Chances are, even though yours was only a small and gentle comment, it upset him that you expressed anything but gushing love towards his family. I think you certainly should tell him how much it hurt for him to not comfort you. Because you respectively avoided one another, neither of you know why the other was so upset, and it is really worth talking about when you are--at least at the start--less emotional.

I hate to hear that his family is treating you like this and showing disregard about meeting your friends and family, but just remember that is their prerogative. Lots of people put themselves in the centers of their worlds and don't make room for others. I know it hurts especially because they are your soon-to-be-family, but just keep remembering that this is their loss. If you think it will register to them, it is worth telling them they are hurting your feelings by placing the reception as having lesser value.

As for the deposits, that is absolutely wrong. No way around it. I would call the place and explain the situation and ask if they would be willing to offer your FMIL her money back (or at least a pending deposition with the option for money back) and have J talk to her about why she cannot, legally (and have him emphasize this) do that. That is, honestly, a special kind of crazy. Unfortunately, from what you have told us of her before, this seems exactly like the kind of crazy you will always be able to expect from her.

The wedding will all be over soon enough, and then you go back to being you and him.

HUGS!

 

[choro72]

Gwen, my FFIL was going to have a separate wedding to be done in their "correct" way. I told FI that they can throw a wedding, but I''m not going to be there.

It''s not a REAL wedding because it''s only your friends and family!? WHAT!? So putting aside the CAPS and exclamation marks I want to use, it seems like J''s family refuse to consider anything away from them to be a "REAL" wedding? How does J view the US wedding? Does he think that it''s just a party, and your UK plans are the "real deal"? Isn''t he inviting his friends to the US, even if he knows they can''t make it? Why are your inlaws so preoccupied with having a "proper" wedding in the UK? And why are they turning their nose at the notion of the US wedding in the first place? And again, does J not consider the US to be a real wedding?

I''m posting all this questions for J. He needs to stand by you and tell them that the US wedding is as real as any other wedding. ((hugs)) It sucks when you have friends and family flanked by the ocean. I hope you''ll come to a solution. We''re still bitter about how some things turned out for us.

 

[princessplease]

Gwen, I am so sorry you have to deal with this, especially so close to the wedding. I hope that J wakes up and realizes how unsympathetic and callous he is being to you. ::hugs::

 

[lulu]

Gwen, I am one of those people who is hypersensitive to criticism of my family by DH. I think it comes from being the middle child peacemaker in the family.

If he is very close to his mom he may feel torn and a little confused. It''s easy to say that you should be his number one priority now, but in reality that''s a

transition that just takes time. On the other hand, what future MIL did was completely inappropriate.

 

[MonkeyPie]

Gwen, I am SO SORRY this is happening

I don''t think it is unreasonable for you to be upset about it, but I do think it''s unfair for J to be so insensitive

*hugs!!!*

 

[decodelighted]

I tend to agree with HollyS (

) that its probably not the best time for advice giving. You''re very emotional right now. I will say a couple of things ..

A) you can''t make things that are important to you important to other people & neither can J. His family is being honest that the US event just isn''t important to them. They don''t want to "see you at your best" - or at least not enough to haul their butts across the ocean to do so. It just is. They''re real, flawed people & giving you a realistic taste of what its going to be like marrying into that family. Better to know, right?

B)J''s reaction: some guys think they have to "fix" things. There wasn''t much he could "fix" in the moment and that left him helpless. You might think its 100% clear what you needed in that moment (emotional support, hugs, understanding, commiseration etc.) -- but unless you''ve had a lot of conversations about what you''d like from him in moments like that, I don''t think its strange he didn''t respond as you wished he would. He''s not a mind reader ... and he might not operate on that level *naturally*. Fulfilling each others'' needs isn''t so much a "natural" thing -- but a negotiation over time. A learning curve. A complicated machine that doesn''t come with instructions.

C) Your own part in this -- high highs, low lows ... perfectly in love, lonelier than ever ... black/white ... I''d start thinking about if this is the way you want to live. I''d say such swings would be hard on you *personally* and even harder in a relationship. Many folks (me included) have found some success in moderating their "swings" through coping strategies & limiting expectations & self-talk. It isn''t just "the way you are". Its the way you''re CHOOSING to continue to be. JMHO.

Give it a few days. Hang in there. If you really start questioning why you want to stay in the foreign place with the folks who DON''T understand you, instead of "home" where you have countless friends & are "your best self" ... post again?

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 1/26/2010 3:42:52 PM
Author: decodelighted
B)J''s reaction: some guys think they have to ''fix'' things. There wasn''t much he could ''fix'' in the moment and that left him helpless. You might think its 100% clear what you needed in that moment (emotional support, hugs, understanding, commiseration etc.) -- but unless you''ve had a lot of conversations about what you''d like from him in moments like that, I don''t think its strange he didn''t respond as you wished he would. He''s not a mind reader ... and he might not operate on that level *naturally*. Fulfilling each others'' needs isn''t so much a ''natural'' thing -- but a negotiation over time. A learning curve. A complicated machine that doesn''t come with instructions.

I agree with this.

Based on what I have read of your relationship with J, I have always had the impression that he is a very loving man and that the two of you have such a united front. I think his reaction was based more on not knowing how to handle or "fix" the situation and not based on how he will be with you in the future. At least that''s my impression.

I ditto giving it a few days and then talking to him about it.

And a big poop to your in-laws. If they don''t want to come out to the US wedding, then poop on them! This is your day, don''t let anyone take away from that.

 

[Octavia]

Date: 1/26/2010 3:28:12 PM
Author: lulu
If he is very close to his mom he may feel torn and a little confused. It's easy to say that you should be his number one priority now, but in reality that's a transition that just takes time.

True...it still jars me a bit to think that DH is my closest family now and that my parents are secondary. But the transition will never come unless one makes the effort. It is uncomfortable, but it gets easier every time you're forced to recognize and confront it. The sooner, the better, IMO.

 

[whitby_2773]

hi gwen

firstly - big hugs to you.... {{{{gwen}}}}

secondly - i''ve always wondered why your wedding is going to be in the UK. is it something to do with legal residency issues? immigration? i just always thought the groom came to the bride, so i''d be interested to know why the ''real'' wedding isn''t in the US...

gwen, i''m sorry to be debbie-downer here, but you know that i have a fair bit of experience in living o/s, and i''d say think *reeeeeeally* carefully before leaving all that you know - permanently. i''m currently home in australia and i havent stopped thinking since i got off the plane "WHAT was i thinking in leaving all of this??" at least my husband is in the same situation as me; i really cant conceive what it would have been like to have gone through the last 10 years always being ''the new girl'' - and the *only* new girl without ''the new boy'' to back me up and to experience it with me. do you and J have a plan to live for a period of time in the UK, then move back to the US? if you do - will he be sure to keep to that agreement long term? the first 5-7 years were relatively easy. but i hit a wall around 7 years and it''s been a struggle since. and i LOVE the US and all my friends there, and i find americans just the easiest people to love! but i''ll never have that same shared history with them, people will always say to me ''so - where do you come from?'', and my family and lifelong friends will always be a loooong way away - meaning i''ll never have quite the support i need.

all that to say - step carefully, kiddo. at the moment, wedding prep is distracting. but when the knot is tied and the future stretches out ahead of you, it can look like a veeeeery long view when ''home'' is not where you are.

i really do sound like debbie-downer, dont i? i''m sorry gwen

and i''m sorry about the sisters and the MIL and all of that; it really doesn''t sound as tho they ''see'' you. not good. not good at all....

 

[choro72]

Date: 1/26/2010 3:42:52 PM
Author: decodelighted
A) you can''t make things that are important to you important to other people & neither can J. His family is being honest that the US event just isn''t important to them. They don''t want to ''see you at your best'' - or at least not enough to haul their butts across the ocean to do so. It just is. They''re real, flawed people & giving you a realistic taste of what its going to be like marrying into that family. Better to know, right?

True...

 

[junebug17]

Date: 1/26/2010 3:47:27 PM
Author: fiery

Date: 1/26/2010 3:42:52 PM

Author: decodelighted

B)J''s reaction: some guys think they have to ''fix'' things. There wasn''t much he could ''fix'' in the moment and that left him helpless. You might think its 100% clear what you needed in that moment (emotional support, hugs, understanding, commiseration etc.) -- but unless you''ve had a lot of conversations about what you''d like from him in moments like that, I don''t think its strange he didn''t respond as you wished he would. He''s not a mind reader ... and he might not operate on that level *naturally*. Fulfilling each others'' needs isn''t so much a ''natural'' thing -- but a negotiation over time. A learning curve. A complicated machine that doesn''t come with instructions.

I agree with this.


Based on what I have read of your relationship with J, I have always had the impression that he is a very loving man and that the two of you have such a united front. I think his reaction was based more on not knowing how to handle or ''fix'' the situation and not based on how he will be with you in the future. At least that''s my impression.


I ditto giving it a few days and then talking to him about it.

I totally agree with both these posts, very well said!

 

[tlh]

That stinks, I''m really sorry.

I know if my own brother were getting married (destination) I''d definately go - if I could afford it... but if just a few months/weeks later they were having the local celebration-reception, I don''t know that I would be a definate go on that one - because we live 1500 miles away - so it really wouldn''t be a "local" reception for us. I''d definately try my darndest to be there - but if something came up- I wouldn''t break the bank for it- seeing that I already went to his wedding... and this is my brother.

I know it stinks that they cannot come, and you''re feeling down- and not supported... ESP when they said they''d attend... but, it is like when people talk about the future and speculative trips -- declaring "I''m So THERE!" only to find out when it is time to open up the wallets- they are long gone.

I think the issue is feeling alone and not supported by your loved one - paired with the disappointment of a shrinking guest list. I''m sorry, I hope you work through this. All I can say is that whomever shows up to either event... just enjoy yourself and those that came to shower you with love. Focus on the good... not the bad. ((HUGS))

 

[S&I]

Oh Gwen, I''m so terribly sorry!

I know it must be so heartbreaking to learn that your future in-laws will not be attending your US reception. I''m sure you gave them plenty of notice in advance so that they could be saving up their money (if needed) and making the appropriate plans to attend. If they really weren''t planning on attending, they should have let you know from the beginning. And I''m so sorry that J took his mom''s side over yours. I''d probably react just as you did - cry. But I really hope you and J can talk it over and work through this.

Please let us know how things work out! Hugs!!!

 

[beltane]

I''m so sorry for this chaos you are going though. Like some others have asked... I am curious too why you aren''t having your first wedding in the U.S.?

 

[HollyS]

"I tend to agree with HollyS

"

Scares ya, does it, deco?

(We're a lot more alike than different; or hadn't you noticed?

)

Gwen, deco is right in her observations. I think you'll see things from that angle eventually. And whitby is equally smart in her reply. Sage advice from both.