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Kids and Grandchildren moving in.... Help

babs23r

Brilliant_Rock
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Dec 20, 2012
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Thank you all for your wonderful advice. I'm having a major hot flash reading everything because I know how awful this could be. We have been helping them out financially. My SIL needs to find a higher paying job because once the baby was born, they only have one income.

I will definitely put a time limit on this. What's fair... 6 months? A year??????
 

Elizabeth35

Brilliant_Rock
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Sep 24, 2011
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754
Babs-have you and DH discussed what you are willing to give?

Are they unable to make ends meet on one income temporarily due to a new baby?
If they were not making it independently with you helping them—exactly what are you trying to accomplish with them living with you?
As others have said, maybe it makes more sense to provide a temporary subsidy rather than have them move in with you.

It sounds as if you need to review overall budget and housing costs in order to come up with a plan to get them self-sufficient. And that probably requires two incomes even if you live in a low cost area.

I hope you find a plan that works for your family and your values. It is not easy!
 

marymm

Ideal_Rock
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Thank you all for your wonderful advice. I'm having a major hot flash reading everything because I know how awful this could be. We have been helping them out financially. My SIL needs to find a higher paying job because once the baby was born, they only have one income.

I will definitely put a time limit on this. What's fair... 6 months? A year??????

Any chance your daughter & her family could just downsize to a studio apartment for a year or so? Would that allow them to save some money and perhaps the confined space also give incentive for son-in-law to find better paying job ASAP before baby & family outgrow studio?

If I were in your shoes, based on your posts in this thread, I would have a very real fear that if I allowed them into my home, they would never get themselves together enough to save and move out... if they could have done so, they would have already done it in the 9 months before the baby was born, no? YMMV.
 

Bron357

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Jan 22, 2014
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6,532
Thank you all for your wonderful advice. I'm having a major hot flash reading everything because I know how awful this could be. We have been helping them out financially. My SIL needs to find a higher paying job because once the baby was born, they only have one income.

I will definitely put a time limit on this. What's fair... 6 months? A year??????

Definately set a time limit. I would say 6 months to an absolute maximum of 1 year. What if he doesn’t find a higher paying job? Trying to help them can end up not helping them if you get what I mean. if they get too accustomed to living the “cheap/ free” life with you they may not want to move out!
 

cmd2014

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I'm not sure that having adult children move back in to save money is ever a good plan. Our neighbors did it, and it ended up just meaning that they subsidized living costs for their son and DIL and their 2 children and 3 dogs for 2 years (at huge expense to themselves), with them not becoming more responsible or more financially stable after all of it...and it caused a lot of stress.

I would want to make sure that whatever you do leads to things actually being better - and that you are not just rescuing them from the consequences of unwise choices that they will not learn and grow from unless they live through it and figure it out themselves. If they *truly* can't survive without the help and are at risk of going without food or being evicted from where they are living, then of course, help them. But if this is just a comfort thing (as in they want a standard of living that they cannot afford on one salary), I would be less inclined.

I'm assuming the pregnancy was planned. How did they plan to pay for it with her being a SAHM? Will you be doing the same thing down the road if they decide to have another (or she never goes back to work or he never finds a higher paying job?). How much is this going to impact your financial stability/retirement? You say you babied her...are you sure you're not doing the same now? How willing are you to have young children in your home full time, damaging things, like they do? How willing are you to take on cooking, cleaning, child care, etc.? If you are not, how do you plan to make sure that you don't? Do you agree with their parenting style? If not, whose house rules are going to be followed? Will they be paying rent/a share of the groceries/half of your bills? If not, are you prepared to subsidize their life at the cost of yours? (offering room under your roof is one thing, offering to pay for all of their living expenses is a whole other thing altogether). Do you have other children? If so, how are they going to feel about their sister mooching off of you? Will they expect the same? Will it cause resentments? Are you and DH on the same page about all of these things? How did this even come to be? (Did they ask? Did you offer? Have you discussed all the things that need talking about and have agreements been put into place?) There are a LOT of pitfalls here...and maybe you are feeling stress because you have a gut feeling that this might not be wise.

As others have said, think about all of this, talk about all of this, put specific plans in place, and make a written agreement with a specific timeline and specific expectations. Otherwise, you may very well regret it.
 

cmd2014

Ideal_Rock
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Also, what my neighbours confided was that it was probably more expensive in the end to have their kids move in and move out again. Their kids sold their house to do this, and found that not only did they lose 2 years that they would have paid towards the mortgage, they also lost money because they bought their first house for less money than they could buy a second one a few years later. So they ended up in a smaller house that was more expensive in the end.

But even if your daughter and SIL are renting, there would still be first and last months' rent, damage deposits, moving expenses, and storage expenses if they can't fit everything that they own into your home. If they plan to sell everything instead of store it, that's also a huge waste of money (you'll never recoup what you spent and buying more to furnish a new home once they are ready to move out will also be an enormous expense). It would be good to sit down and crunch all of those numbers before making a final decision.
 

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Yeah ... never sell a house unless it's to put that money towards immediately buying another ... unless you're old and that $$$$$ is to fund your retirement.
 

lyra

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We've told our daughters that this privilege of living at home IS their inheritance. That's mostly true. It's costing us a lot of money. There is an end in sight, but it's not soon. We're still okay with this decision. Unfortunately too, FSIL just lost his job. We have a wedding in 10 months.:(
 

babs23r

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I am seriously taking every bodies comments to heart. I thank you all. I'm going to share them with my husband, who has really not thought all this out.
 

Lisa Loves Shiny

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Most likely your kids are going to feel insecure moving in. So I would establish boundaries but in a gentle way so as not to cause resentment. Expect some projection- insecurity seems to bring that out in people. So patience is going to be very important until routines get established.

I think it is very important to discuss noise levels. For example, let your family know that you expect it as quite as they can make it when you go to bed at night. I have noticed that some of my family members like to watch loud TV or talk loudly at night when they have stayed with us. That is very annoying when you need to get up early the next day and can't sleep.

Never expect your family to "get the hint." Best to talk directly and gently when issues arrive in a way that lets them know that you are a team. Let them know you are hoping they can flex where you need it and you will do the same.

Good luck. They are family, you love them and they love and trust you enough to move in so things should work out.
 

babs23r

Brilliant_Rock
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Dec 20, 2012
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724
Most likely your kids are going to feel insecure moving in. So I would establish boundaries but in a gentle way so as not to cause resentment. Expect some projection- insecurity seems to bring that out in people. So patience is going to be very important until routines get established.

I think it is very important to discuss noise levels. For example, let your family know that you expect it as quite as they can make it when you go to bed at night. I have noticed that some of my family members like to watch loud TV or talk loudly at night when they have stayed with us. That is very annoying when you need to get up early the next day and can't sleep.

Never expect your family to "get the hint." Best to talk directly and gently when issues arrive in a way that lets them know that you are a team. Let them know you are hoping they can flex where you need it and you will do the same.

Good luck. They are family, you love them and they love and trust you enough to move in so things should work out.

Thank you for your kind words. If the move happens, I'll remember.
 
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