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Kids and Grandchildren moving in.... Help

babs23r

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Dec 20, 2012
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574
Hi. My daughter, her husband and baby my be moving in with us to save some money. I'm feeling very anxious about this.
Any tips....
thanks
 

marymm

Ideal_Rock
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I recommend ensuring there is a meeting of the minds from the get-go, and reduce it to a signed writing as a back-up. This is for your protection and for the protection of your daughter's family.

Topics to cover include: date of move-in and date of move-out, household expenses, household chores, childcare ...

Be sure there is an agreed-upon and defined move-out date (i.e., June 30, 2020, rather than "as soon as they save up XXX dollars"). If the move-out date approaches, you can always agree and write up a new document reflecting the extended move-out date.
 

luv2sparkle

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I hope it is a wonderful experience for you! It could be a wonderful thing to be able to spend a lot of time with your grand baby.

I don't have any advice. I have found that when my children move in with me to save money, it means I will be spending more so they can save. I have three living with me now, though they are all single. I have two friends who are living with kids, one with grands, one without. One couple spent a whole lot of their retirement savings to buy a house with the kids (now they want to move out) and another who let her kids add on to her fully paid off home. She seems to enjoy it and spends a lot of time taking care of her grands.

I would love to have my grandkids with me for a while. Try not to stress and just enjoy them.
 

Elizabeth35

Shiny_Rock
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Sep 24, 2011
Messages
282
What specifically are you anxious about? Is it lack of privacy, more mess/noise, them staying indefinitely?
Have everyone sit down together BEFORE they move in to discuss your concerns.

I agree with marymm.
Expectations need to be transparent.
Make sure you understand exactly what their intentions are. And make sure they understand your expectations regarding cleanliness, noise, paying for food/utilities, babysitting, etc. Setup a cooking schedule so that cooking/shopping duties are shared fairly.

Maybe schedule a weekly family meeting for at least the first month or so. That way if something is bothering someone it can be handled immediately.
 

Bron357

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what is it that is stressing you? Write these things down and discuss them with your daughter and son in law.
number 1 is understanding how your helping them save money will impact your spending. running a household includes bills for electricity WI fi etc that grow in size when more adults are in the household. Can you afford these extra costs?
what are their expectations for baby sitting for eg?
they can’t just assume that if they want to go out or have a “lie in” that you’ll be looking after their baby.
what are the arrangements for cooking / use of kitchen?
are you happy to cook a meal for everyone to share? If yes, then they need to fit into your timetable. Ie if you eat at 6.30pm they shouldnt be asking you to change that to 7.30pm to suit them.
food shopping? Are you buying everything for the household, this will dramatically increase your shopping bill if shopping for extra 2 adults and a baby!
is the living area shared? Babies / young children leave stuff everywhere and are noisy and want the TV tuned to kids shows. Do you (or they) have a separate area where they can mess, noise and watch whatever they like while you can still live your life your way?
its important that if you are helping them save money that they save that money.
my mum and dad had my brother and his wife live with them for a year. Unfortunately they saved little money because they instead went out a lot more, bought a new car and had a big holiday!
but mum loved them there!
 

lyra

Ideal_Rock
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I don't have advice. I have questions. How did you get them to move out in the first place? I'm only joking. My kids still live at home. My eldest will be moving out after she gets married next year. My youngest is 29, oldest 32. I don't mind them living here, despite the fact that we have a small house. It has been mostly a pleasure really. Everyone has their own "area", and basically we never see our youngest because she goes to work early, comes home late, and is in her room most of the time. Eldest daughter stays in a suite in our basement, and isn't upstairs much either. Separation of space is good. Take care. Hope it works out for you.
 

MakingTheGrade

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Heh. I haven’t lived with my folks since I was 17. It’s definitely stressful for me and them when I stay with them to visit though.

I think the advice to address the potentially stressful things upfront is wise. A lot of bad blood can be avoided with good expectation management and clear guidelines.
 

Crazie4Cuts

Shiny_Rock
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Oct 9, 2014
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412
Adding 3 more to your home is a big change! While I am sure you love them all, it is an adjustment! The advice above by @marymm & @Bron357 is a good starting point! I do think your daughter and son-in-law should be expected to pay for rent (not necessarily market rate, but enough to let them know that this isn’t a free meal), utilities, and their own food. My adult working children pay rent, they come to appreciate and not take advantage of us. We believe that each person learns to respect each other more when they are financially contributing to the household expenses. My adult children are also responsible for cooking during the week and also some chores, but I know we still do things for them, we just want them to know that this situation won’t be forever, but they still need to contribute!

You may want to have a separate refrigerator for their household as you may find that your daughter has developed her own style of cooking, and eating. One of my daughters is now somewhat vegetarian and doesn’t like some of my food, that’s ok, but I don’t want someone living with me telling me how to shop or cook!

You will learn to bite your tongue because you want the relationship and with your new grand baby! I have learn this for sure, but sometimes my patience gets the best of me and my hubs... I think it would be great if it is possible to remodel your home to accommodate them..perhaps a separate area with a small kitchen just for them, but that can be expensive...

It will work out though and just be sure to have conversations with them both!

-C4C
 

Dancing Fire

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Wife and I don't mind babysitting grandkids,but ain't no way we can live under the same roof with our SILs.
 

babs23r

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Dec 20, 2012
Messages
574
I recommend ensuring there is a meeting of the minds from the get-go, and reduce it to a signed writing as a back-up. This is for your protection and for the protection of your daughter's family.

Topics to cover include: date of move-in and date of move-out, household expenses, household chores, childcare ...

Be sure there is an agreed-upon and defined move-out date (i.e., June 30, 2020, rather than "as soon as they save up XXX dollars"). If the move-out date approaches, you can always agree and write up a new document reflecting the extended move-out date.
I agree with all of you.i am anxious about how my quiet house will become hectic. I work full time and don’t prepare dinner. My husband cooks for both of us at times. Laundry can also be a problem, as I see how she doesn’t fold clothes right away. Messiness is also on my mind. My daughter was spoiled living here. She was sick as a child, so we catered to her every need.
I don’t want to be the built in babysitter. When I get home from work, I want to relax and lie down. I love my grandson to pieces, but he is a handful, and I can’t be expected to watch the cutie every second.
 

distracts

Ideal_Rock
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For how long?

Things that will save your sanity:
1. House rules which must be obeyed
2. Time limit, and they must be out by the end of time limit. (We want to save money for 1 year is reasonable - we want to save money forever is not. Be careful with "we want to save until we have X amount" because they could easily up their discretionary spending and spend just as much, so if they want an amount, have it phrased more like "we will save X amount per month for Y number of months")
3. Their contribution to expenses
4. Their contribution to chores (ANY mess they make is THEIRS to clean up, and if not, they will be either billed for a maid or kicked out - their contribution to cooking like unless you really enjoy cooking it won't be you cooking for everyone every night)
5. Babysitting (how often will you babysit for free? once a week for three hours? twice a week? One full Saturday? Set your limits and stick to them. If they try to leave you with the baby for anything other than a true emergency outside those limits, hire a babysitter and bill them for it.) This includes "watching the baby while mom is in the shower" or whatever - if they didn't live with you, they'd be doing these things on their own, so they can do them on their own even when they do live with you.
6. Area sharing - do they and your grandkid need to stick to "their" area of the house? What areas are off-limits, or off-limits during certain hours (leave grandparents alone when they get home from work and let them having the living room is a perfectly reasonable rule)

Write ALL of this up and have a contract with consequences laid out for each infraction. Charging (from their money) to hire someone to do whatever it is they won't is a good one - you know they can afford it since they aren't paying rent.

Unfortunately you'll probably see a lot of "responsibility creep" on you no matter what is agreed upon in advance, so you'll have to try to hold firm to the rules if you don't want that, and having a paper they signed acknowledging everything that you can point to will help.

I agree with all of you.i am anxious about how my quiet house will become hectic. I work full time and don’t prepare dinner. My husband cooks for both of us at times. Laundry can also be a problem, as I see how she doesn’t fold clothes right away. Messiness is also on my mind. My daughter was spoiled living here. She was sick as a child, so we catered to her every need.
I don’t want to be the built in babysitter. When I get home from work, I want to relax and lie down. I love my grandson to pieces, but he is a handful, and I can’t be expected to watch the cutie every second.
It honestly sounds like you don't even want to do this. Is there a reason you can't say no? Just checking to make sure you know that it is ok and perfectly reasonable and normal of you to say no to this.
 

canuk-gal

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Apr 19, 2004
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19,650
HI:

Your family is (re)moving in. Vent away!

cheers--Sharon
 

Daisys and Diamonds

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in alot of cultures multiple generation households are the norm
i wounder how they do it ?
have a wounderful time spending precious time with your grandchild and also getting to really know your SIL
may it be a positive bonding family experiences for everyone and everyone's contribution to family life is valued and appreated and no one tales any one for granted
 

Austina

Ideal_Rock
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Feb 24, 2017
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3,462
You’re good parents for letting them move in to help them save, and I totally echo what the others have said. You need to make it absolutely clear from the get go that while you’re happy to have them, there’s a time limit on how long it’ll be for and there are also ground rules that need to be abided by.

Perhaps before they do move in, sit down and make a list of what you want from the arrangement in terms of their contributions to the household budget, the general running of the house, i.e. cleaning, cooking and doing their own laundry, and babysitting then hopefully there won’t be any confusion that they’re moving in to a ‘hotel’ with built in babysitters on tap.

I haven’t done it myself, but my friend did for a year, and much as she loved her son and DIL, she was glad when they moved out and I’m not sure she’d do it again, but she did say she was glad she put a time limit on their stay.
 

kipari

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I agree with all of you.i am anxious about how my quiet house will become hectic. I work full time and don’t prepare dinner. My husband cooks for both of us at times. Laundry can also be a problem, as I see how she doesn’t fold clothes right away. Messiness is also on my mind. My daughter was spoiled living here. She was sick as a child, so we catered to her every need.
I don’t want to be the built in babysitter. When I get home from work, I want to relax and lie down. I love my grandson to pieces, but he is a handful, and I can’t be expected to watch the cutie every second.
Errmm... reading this I'm a tad anxious about your project.

I think it is very generous of you to entertain the idea and it shows that you are a loving and tightly knit family.

You have already received good advice in this thread about practical concerns.

However, your home WILL be hectic. Even the most well behaved children WILL make lots of noise and won't let you lie down and relax after work. Period. If this is a non negotiable, I'm afraid this will be very difficult (euphemism!).

What you describe about your daughter makes me wonder if a written agreement will be respected on a day to day basis regarding the dynamics between you that you have described... Are you still OK with this?

How is your relationship with your son in law?



My in laws did this for my SIL (same as you, own daughter plus her dh) for 9 months and even without children the tension was palpable. Everyone made a big effort,but in the end everyone was happy when it was over.


I have no understanding of the financial situation,so don't know if this is at all applicable to your case..but could you look at helping them out financially instead?


Everything in life comes at a cost. "Free" living for your daughter doesn't exist.
It has a financial cost for you. But it does also have an emotional cost for everyone (giving up freedom, tranquility, peace). Only you can assess whether those hidden costs are worth it FOR YOU and your family.
Without a very honest talk, there's the potential for a lot of resentment.
 

Cosmetologist

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142
I can understand your anxiety I had to move in to my Spouses Family home for a few weeks prior to moving into our New Home a few years ago luckily it was just the two of us & I really got on with His Mom I tried to do as much round the house to lighten the Load & not to Burden her, It worked it great we became good friends obviously no Children were involved so that's a totally different aspect.

I think so long as Boundaries are respected & they assist around the House it should be fine - Just be sure to lay out Ground Rules it's your Home & a basic level of Respect should be omitted, You are offering them a Fantastic Opportunity.

I hope it works out for all the Parties involved especially you ✨
 

luv2sparkle

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I wouldn't want to be the built in baby sitter either. I also couldn't live with my son in law. No way, no how. I totally get now wanting your house to be in chaos, @babs23r. It sounds like there could be some positives but also some very big negatives. I hope it all works out well for you!
 

lyra

Ideal_Rock
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We have assigned laundry days, in that my girls each have 1 day a week, and I have all the rest. They may get family meals, or they may not. They are free to do their own thing, and sometimes do. When they move out, we will be saving so much money on food though, as DH and I have reached that stage in life where we just don't feel like cooking, and a sandwich or soup is a meal. He is a gourmet cook though, so everyone is spoiled!
 

Karl_K

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Clearly spelled out tv remote protocol. #1 area of contention

edit: For example kids want to play games on main living area tv, Dad wants to watch a movie, sil wants to watch golf.
What is on the tv?

This is also a problem when you have an elderly relative moving in, they will complain, I dont get to watch my shows.
 
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Bron357

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I agree with all of you.i am anxious about how my quiet house will become hectic. I work full time and don’t prepare dinner. My husband cooks for both of us at times. Laundry can also be a problem, as I see how she doesn’t fold clothes right away. Messiness is also on my mind. My daughter was spoiled living here. She was sick as a child, so we catered to her every need.
I don’t want to be the built in babysitter. When I get home from work, I want to relax and lie down. I love my grandson to pieces, but he is a handful, and I can’t be expected to watch the cutie every second.
My added advice is “start as you intend to finish”. You must NOT let things fester. That’s when it gets awful and ugly.
nip everything “in the bud”.
At the outset explain that the laundry room needs to be kept tidy, please wash and put away clothes the same day.
At the outset explain what babysitter duties you are happy with and what notice you require and don’t be shy saying “sorry, that doesn’t suit I’m having my hair done/ having coffee with a friend”. Don’t feel obliged or guilty.
you are doing them a big favour so they should be really grateful, thankful and bend themselves over backwards to keep things smooth and calm.
not vice versa!
 

princessandthepear

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My SO is going through this nightmare currently. We warned him that he should rent an apartment for three months instead of allowing his oldest daughter, her husband and two children under the age of three to move in but he thought he would be doing them a favor if he took them in for free. Well, free to them has meant no rent, utility, grocery and toiletries, diapers or formula bills. SO's bills have expanded commensurately. The problem is not the husband or children as they spend most of their waking hours at husband's parents' home. The problem is my SO's oldest daughter. She is a drama queen, and slovenly. She has shouting arguments with her husband over money and the fact that she isn't looking for a job or watching her children. She argues with her father (my SO) over the fact that she won't pick up and that he isn't giving her money on demand. It has barely been a month and SO is just beside himself with frustration. A contract wouldn't help as her word is worth nothing. She has felt entitled for as long as I have known her and and is not about to change.
I don't mean to worry you further but to say that " a leopard doesn't change its spots." Whatever personality your child had in their youth is unlikely to have changed greatly in their adulthood.
 

GliderPoss

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Personally, I would avoid this situation IF possible. It’s a huge strain on everyone and I’m not sure how much it really makes a difference in savings as you just end up spending more to compensate for all the extra people in your home...
 

VRBeauty

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We’re currently spending a week with my SO’s daughter and her family (hubby and two young ones.). One week is all I can take, frankly. They’re all good people, but with terrible communication skills that lead to lots of tension and a constant feeling of walking on eggshells. So my advice... set out expectations early and clearly, and do your best to communicate clearly rather than beating around the bush.

(We're hardly freeloading, by the way... we do most of the cooking and cleaning up while we’re here, and we’ve painted a stairwell... no small feat!)
 

kenny

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This is a tough one for me.
I'm on my second SO of Mexican descent.
Both of their families are very very different from those of the usual white-American raised in America.
Yea yea yea, I know there are exceptions to this generalization.

We are more selfish, they are more selfless.
We are me me me, they are more us us us.
We are more isolated, they are much more involved.

I've always been extremely me me me, but now I deeply respect what I recognize as a better way (overall) to run a family.
My SO spends a tremendous amount of time helping raise his little niece and nephew, and helping out his mom with daily stuff.

Today I'm much more open to my SO's mother moving in with us one day than I was before these 18 years of being welcome with open arms by these two families.
 
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lyra

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I think a reason why the multi-generational thing works for us is because we are extremely open about everything. We respect each other. We can talk about anything. Rules and expectations are met.
 

yssie

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@kenny Indian families are the same way.

It’s actually interesting... Indian culture is not really “us us us”, but the “me” includes myself and my close and extended family... Indians by and large don’t give a damn about what difficulties the town over is having. Social welfare isn’t on anyone’s radar. Community doesn’t exist outside the family. But within the family... amongst those who share blood and ancestry... what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine, everyone’s looking out for everyone else, noone’s keeping track of favours or grudges.

My parents will move in with us one day. It will be a difficult adjustment. They’re loving, and generous with their time and their money, and want what’s best for me and the other half - and they’re pushy, opinionated, and not at all leery of a guilt trip every so often. I’m Indian but I was raised in the Commonwealth... I like space and privacy and I’m much more concerned about my friends than my second cousins.

@babs23r - this is such a generous thing to do! I hope everyone adjusts well and when it’s time to move on, all of you can do so with cherished memories and closer bonds ::)
 

distracts

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I have only known this to work and not cause a lot of resentment if the area of the house the kids are staying in is completely separate, like a guesthouse, or if everyone is very respectful of each other's boundaries. But when it becomes just the parents taking care of their kids and grandkids, or the kids taking care of parents and grandkids, it's a bad situation that causes a lot of stress.

I don't mean to worry you further but to say that " a leopard doesn't change its spots." Whatever personality your child had in their youth is unlikely to have changed greatly in their adulthood.
And even if they are different in other areas of their life, when they are living with you they may very well turn back into who they were when last living with you. The concept that How I Met Your Mother called "revertigo."
 

dreamer_dachsie

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I wonder if it's worth sitting down and working out how much more you will spend keeping them for the year (or whatever time period), then asking them how much they think they will save living with you. If those numbers are not too far apart, it may be better to just cut them a check! :lol: I'm actually serious about this.

@yssie and others discussing multi-generational families....

About four years ago we decided that we would live with my mom. We are in our early 40s with two kids and she is in her late 60s. Like Yssie, I always knew my mom would live with us one day, and my husband knew it too, before we got married lol. We didn't think it would happen this soon. But the stars aligned and it made sense. My mom wanted to spend more time with her grandkids when they were little, and we appreciated the help (boy do we appreciate it!). Plus, we all ended up with a nicer property that we ever could have afforded alone.

We bought a property together and then renovated it to add a 1000 square foot "apartment" (more like a townhouse actually) on the back. We moved in together two years ago. She lives in the apartment and we live in the main house. It works really well for all of us. There was an adjustment period where we decided on the boundaries between our spaces (psychological boundaries I mean). We also worked out childcare rules and we respect her time. We also had very frank discussions about money and who would pay for what. Two years in and it's working very well! My husband even says he is happy she lives with us ;)2 And I don't even think he is lying!

That said, we could not live with his parents, so I totally get why this kind of arrangement doesn't work for everyone!
 
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