Kid question #2

[kenny]

A couple months ago I gave all my Nikon film gear to a very dear friend's kid.
He's in college taking a photography class and needed a good film camera.
I bought this Nikon F3 (Nikon's top of the line SLR) new in 1982 along with Nikon Nikkor lenses.



This is about 2/3 of what I sent to him.
There are also many attachments/cases/real Nikon filters etc.
Nobody buys REAL Made-In-Japan Nikon fliters at around $100 a pop.
He got around 6 of them, all flawless.

Sure today these are antiques and worth a fraction of the initial cost, but still since they are all Nikon's best and in great condition it does up to hundreds of bucks.
I have better gear now and haven't used any of this for 10 years and never will.
I was glad to see it go to good people who could use it.

Mom thanked me profusely but ...
I asked her to ask her son to contact me because I need to explain some technical stuff about the attachments.
I gave my home address, my phone #, my email address and my Skype user name.
No response from the kid.

Then, when I shipped it directly to him I included a hand-written letter asking him to contact me because I need to explain some technical stuff about the attachments.
Again I wrote my home address, my phone #, my email address and my Skype user name.
No response from the kid.
It's been almost 3 months.
Still, no response from the kid, not even a thanks.

I'm not expecting adulation, just a simple thanks.

I admit, I'm miffed.
Should I mention something to the mom? to the kid?
Am I expecting too much?
Have times changed THIS much?
Could it be because I'm not on Facebook, Twitter or whatever kids use these days?
Is it now too much work to pick up a phone, email or Skype someone?

... and if I say nothing am I not being true to myself?
Is it wrong for me to feel this kid needs to learn a lesson?
... or is it I who needs to learn a lesson?

 

[Huff26]

Hi kenny-

Just wanted to say that I think it's extremely rude that he didn't even say thank you. I think that you should say something to both the kid and the mom. If he can't be bothered to say thank you then there are plenty of under-privledged kids that would.

I am sorry that you are having to SAY something to get him to show gratitude. So sad.

 

[asscherisme]

Hi Kenny I have both an 18 year old son and a 13 year old son so I am going to answer both your questions. Regarding this one, I think that its extremely rude that the he never contacted you directly. If it were my son, I would make sure he contacted your directly.

My rule when my 4 kids were growing up was that you didn't use a gift item until you thanked the giver.

But that being said....people are more rude today. It always amazed me that out of the gifts my kids gave when they were younger and they were going to birthday parties, only about 50% sent thank you notes. And thats a reflection on the parents.

Regarding facebook, and other social media. I'm not on it. and I don't think thats an excuse to not contact. You have a phone number, an address and I'm betting an email. The thing about social media and using it as an excuse to not contact, if someone wanted to contact you and used the excuse that you are not on social media, that dosn't cut it.

I will say that having 3 teenagers, my kids first instinct when they get something new is not to want to ask directions...its to google it or look for you tube instructional videos. So thats most likely how he figured out how to use the equipment.

Long winded response to you have a right to be miffed, I would too, and its very rude to not thank you directly. Yes, the mom thanked you but at his age, the kid should have too.

Regarding college age, I think calling the boy a kid almost excused his behavior. It doesn't.

You were very generous to give your equipment.

 

[arkieb1]

Did you specifically ask them to ask the kid if he wanted it? The course he was doing might have required all the modern digital equipment, the kid himself (a lot of kids are extremely ungrateful for anything these days) might have expected more modern equipment.

I would have personally made my own child write you a thank you and I dare say most of the people here would as well, but I have a niece when she moved out of home at 18 and into a unit wanted some furniture, she came to our house and I told her she could have some old furniture I had when I was at University, things we were not using that was in our garage..... She turned her nose up at this and started having an adult tant to my husband (it's his sister's kid) she wanted some of the Antique furniture he owns worth a lot of money that we had in the house instead. I was like She had nothing, no money, no furniture but expected the best. Some kids/people are born with a chip on their shoulder and false sense of entitlement.

 

[kenny]

Did you specifically ask them to ask the kid if he wanted it? The course he was doing might have required all the modern digital equipment, the kid himself (a lot of kids are extremely ungrateful for anything these days) might have expected more modern equipment.

Mom posted on another forum she needed advice on what to buy and had to get it within 3 days.
The teacher said had to be Nikon or Canon and it had to be a single lens reflex 35mm film camera since the kids will be developing the film and printing prints in a dark room.

What he got fit the bill, and was even all pro-level gear.

 

[asscherisme]

Did you specifically ask them to ask the kid if he wanted it? The course he was doing might have required all the modern digital equipment, the kid himself (a lot of kids are extremely ungrateful for anything these days) might have expected more modern equipment.

I would have personally made my own child write you a thank you and I dare say most of the people here would as well, but I have a niece when she moved out of home at 18 and into a unit wanted some furniture, she came to our house and I told her she could have some old furniture I had when I was at University, things we were not using that was in our garage..... She turned her nose up at this and started having an adult tant to my husband (it's his sister's kid) she wanted some of the Antique furniture he owns worth a lot of money that we had in the house instead. I was like She had nothing, no money, no furniture but expected the best. Some kids/people are born with a chip on their shoulder and false sense of entitlement.

thats good point. I assumed that Kenny had a request from him that he wanted it. My son has learned some harsh lessons about budgeting when he went off to college. I see a lot of entitlement among my kids friends. But even if it wasn't requested, it was still a gift and the student still should have personally thanked Kenny.

 

[arkieb1]

Hmmmm, well in that case perhaps casually mention to the Mom, I thought x might have contacted me on how to use the equipment? That way it lets her know he didn't bother as well. Because that is just plain RUDE.

 

[monarch64]

It occurs to me that the kid sold what you gave him and used the $ towards equipment of his choice or something else. I can't think of another reason he wouldn't at least send you an email to thank you.

I would tell your friend, his mother, that you haven't heard from him and that you'd love to see some of his photo assignments, could he please email you some of his work? You have every right to do this, after all you've made an investment in his future. He is a little sh*thead for ignoring your note and for never thanking you personally.

 

[missy]

Whether or not he requested it or liked it he should have thanked you. Whatever happened to common courtesy and good manners. Some people have this attitude that everything should be handed to them on a silver platter. Disgusting behavior and NOT OK.

I would ask the mom what happened because you never heard from him at all. Sorry your generosity and kindness was so rudely ignored.

 

[gregchang35]

i only have a 4.5 and a 2yo ( not young adults) and i make sure they say thanks when they receive something they ask for- a biscuit, a drink etc. it is just polite....

so, for me = I would have expected the kid to contact to say thanks or a thank you card. IT is very generous of you to provide ALL of that to him. that aint cheap stuff....

others have mentioned similar:

I would mention to the mother, your dear friend, that you have not heard from x. i hope he got the equipment and knows how to work it? or are any of the pieces not working... did it break in transit????

 

[CJ2008]

Any time you receive something from someone, a thank you is in order, whether you requested it or not, but especially if you requested it. :/

I believe in being straight up - if he didn't particularly care for the equipment - for whatever reason, he should have called you anyway, thanked you, and explained. If he wanted to sell it, he should have told you, and asked you if you minded. I know once you gift someone something it's theirs to do whatever they want with it, but in an instance like this I think he should have asked. Then you had the option to take it back if you wanted.

The only problem with "gifts" I can see is if you are constantly receiving things from someone that you don't want/need - I would hate that - I hate clutter and would find it such a burden to have to find the space or have to deal with unwanted items by having to sell, etc. But then, still...I'd have to say thank you. And eventually maybe have a talk with them and tell them thank you, but please stop.

ETA - I would ask the mom whether he liked the equipment, that you're asking her because you didn't hear from him and are curious what he thought of it.

 

[Jambalaya]

I agree with Monarch, he's a little sh*thead for not thanking you. This subject makes my blood boil because I have a nephew who seems pathological about not saying thank you. I decided not to bother with him anymore, but, well, then his mom got terminally sick, so I sent him things again. I sent him something nice when his dog died, of course never heard anything, and when I saw him I asked if he received it, and he just said "Yes" without even looking up, let alone saying thank you.

You sent that boy some beautiful camera equipment and I cannot believe the sheer rudeness of him not saying thank you. If I were you, I'd give him a good telling off - I'd really let him have it - and that will be a valuable lesson to him. Let's face it, it's not as if he's going to learn those lessons at home, apparently. So let the world teach him. Little sh*t.

 

[Laila619]

People are just so rude. I'm in my thirties and I still write formal thank you cards to people. Some people have no manners and/or are way too entitled. I think a lot of it is the parents didn't teach them.

 

[AdaBeta27]

Too many of today's kids have been raised by doting hoverparents, and doting grandparents, who've gifted them with quantities of very expensive stuff all of their lives. Maybe the kid just took the gift in stride, as yet another gift from a doting, admiring adult? I swear, about 80% of the kids I encounter today seem to think that adults are just some drudges who only exist to sacrifice and serve the children.
I have no children of my own. I have some relatives whose children practically walk up to adults with one hand stuck out to receive the anticipated gifts, though. lol Sorry you had a bad experience with apparently just another entitled little sh_tling.

 

[swingirl]

I think kids that age get wrapped up in themselves especially when in college. You might consider emailing him with a question about how his photography class is going and does he enjoy it. He'll get the email on his iphone and may respond MAY even remember where the camera came from. My guess is he is lazy and figures his mom did the work to get the camera so she already thanked you.

It's also possible he dropped the class, sold the camera or broke something and doesn't like to even say the word "camera", let alone "thank you". Kids!!

By the way, it was a very generous gift!

 

[Niel]

I guess I would say, you got a thank you from the mother, and quite possibly the photography student could have gotten all the "technical stuff" from the internet.

Should he say thank you? Sure. But you essentially did a favor for the mother you knew and she's the one that said thank you, after all, shes probably the one that would have spent the money .... In my mind you got a thank you from the person you did the favor for; the mother.

I just think let it go, you didn't do it for the thank you, anyways, right?

 

[kenny]

... you didn't do it for the thank you, anyways, right?

"Do it for the thank you"?
Are you kidding?

I was expecting they'd erect a monument unto Kenny.

 

[House Cat]

... you didn't do it for the thank you, anyways, right?

"Do it for the thank you"?
Are you kidding?

I was expecting they'd erect a monument unto Kenny.

I have a certain family member who only does kind things for the accolades. You should hear her when the recipient doesn't slather on the appropriate amount of gratitude. A person might even get attacked if they don't show an over the top amount of gratitude to this family member. Sigh... Only those of us who have been trained our entire lives know how to address the queen appropriately.


On that same note, my cousin just told me that she has never given or received a thank you note in her life and she wasn't about to start now. That was in response to the above-mentioned family member.

Maybe there IS a generation of 20-30 somethings that don't send thank yous?

 

[Niel]

... you didn't do it for the thank you, anyways, right?

"Do it for the thank you"?
Are you kidding?

I was expecting they'd erect a monument unto Kenny.

I have a certain family member who only does kind things for the accolades. You should hear her when the recipient doesn't slather on the appropriate amount of gratitude. A person might even get attacked if they don't show an over the top amount of gratitude to this family member. Sigh... Only those of us who have been trained our entire lives know how to address the queen appropriately.


On that same note, my cousin just told me that she has never given or received a thank you note in her life and she wasn't about to start now. That was in response to the above-mentioned family member.

Maybe there IS a generation of 20-30 somethings that don't send thank yous?

It's absolutely a generational thing. This doesn't bother me in the slightest as I feel the favor was for the mother and the mother provided many thanks. I asked a few of my coworkers of the same age and they had a the same opinion.

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

I think other posters have hit on some good possibilities for the students non-responsiveness. My own leaning goes to@,he wants new equipment so he can be like other members of his class. A 1980's camera probably will seem old to him.(new iphones each yr.)
He won't believe that camera can do what he needs. So, its hard to thank someone for something you didn't want or ask for. He now avoids dealing with you at all. Ask the mother if he is using the equipment and if he likes it. After her answer, mention you expected to hear from him, but haven't as yet. He's showing his immaturity--by this age he knows a thank you is in order.

It may be a lesson for you as well. Don't gift something like this until you talk to the fellow himself. Mothers don't know what the kids want for college.

Annette

 

[purplesparklies]

Do you know the kid? A thank-you is always a nice gesture but it does sound like the mom expressed her thanks. Young people tend not to do thank you notes and few will actually make a phone call. I'm guessing his mom told him it was coming so he may figure she said thank you and all is good. If he needed it for a photography class, surely the instructor was able to fill him in on any necessary technical stuff regarding the camera and/or attachments. I would not say anything.
Having expressed her sincere appreciation to you, I'm betting it has come up. Either she knows he did not contact you and is okay with it or she knows he didn't and it is a bone of contention between the two already. He is an adult. She can't make him do much of anything. Nothing to be gained for bringing it up. I learned a very long time ago to give freely and without expectation. Few people do as you'd expect and life is too short to sweat the small stuff. If you don't like the way it was handled, don't give him anything in the future.

 

[Laila619]

The older I get, the more I think you should call people out for poor behavior and not just look the other way with a smile. You don't have to be rude about it, but you shouldn't stuff your feelings when someone has done something to you that was hurtful or inappropriate. Tell him. Give him a chance to learn or correct it. Just my opinion, YMMV.

 

[kenny]

Do you know the kid?

Just a bit.
They live 2000 miles away but I stayed with their family for a week when on vacation around 7 years ago.

I have a pic of him showing me how to get a sound out of his cello.

 

[kenny]

I didn't expect a thank you card.
I did expect him to contact me as I requested, twice to discuss the equipment ... not how to use it.
Technical stuff.

His class requires a film Nikon or Canon, not a modern digital camera.

 

[aljdewey]

I agree it a thank you from him was in order....but I'm not surprised it didn't come.

You responded to a request for help from the mom, and he likely figured she'd been the one to thank you. (Yes, he still should have thanked you, but he didn't.) I don't think it's worthwhile to press the issue, though - any thanks you get now will be because you insisted on it. For me, that wouldn't really bring gratification.

It would have also been nice for him to respond to your request to phone him, but the request doesn't create an obligation for him to do so.

The easiest thing in situations like this is to help without any expectations other than the sheer good feeling you get from helping someone out. Expecting others to behave as we would is setting ourselves up to be disappointed and well, you know - people vary.

 

[tuffyluvr]

I think it's totally rude and disrespectful that he did not contact you after repeated requests. If it was my child I would want to know. It was so generous of you to lend your equipment, and your friend's son owes you the respect of learning how to properly use and care for your equipment.

 

[kenny]

... It was so generous of you to lend your equipment ...

Thanks, but the gear wasn't lent; it was given.

I very grateful for all the responses.
As usual it has helped me get this off my chest, flesh out the topic and understand a bit more.

 

[Niel]

See I could have easily seen the mom and son convo going like this.

"Here you go son, I was able to find a camera for your class, my friend was nice enough to give it to me!"

"That's great mom, thank you "

"No problem, he said if you had questions about some technical stuff to contact him"

"Oh, I'm sure I'll figure it out. "

 

[yennyfire]

I'd skin my kid alive if they accepted a lovely gift like this (or any other gift) and didn't send a hand written thank you note. The rule in our house is that if you don't want to write a thank you note, you must return the gift. So far, that's worked with my 9 and just turned 11 year old. In our community, it's rare NOT to get a thank you note for a gift or a meal I've taken when someone was ill or going though a tough time. It's just common courtesy. Period. I'm sorry Kenny...that's just lousy.

 

[Rockinruby]

I think it was incredibly generous of you to do this Kenny. I feel you are owed a thank you note, but I guess this young man is oblivious. I guess it's a generational thing.

The PSers teaching their kids to write thank you notes deserve a round of applause.