"Just Not That Into" LIW-ness!

[fabulousfindk]

I don't think I've ever done an introductory post, even though I've lurked and commented sporadically here for almost two years! I think the forum is great and it has been such a priceless resource and fun way to explore all things wedding-jewelry-related.

I am not your typical LIW, however! I hope this doesn't offend, but I personally just can't get behind the idea of "waiting" for him to independently pick a ring, propose and suddenly validate me as half the couple, or change my life, or for anyone to make a decision FOR me, for that matter.

I have an AMAZING man I'm proud to call my SO, and we had our five-year anniversary in October. We have never NOT been serious, and in fact pretty much moved in together right away, but we met when I was 22 and he was 21. We've grown up - are still growing up - together. Marriage and children are the goal, and there's no question that we both see each other as each other's forever partner.

BUT.

Contrary to what some people - peers, friends, family, random people on the internet, movies, etc, I'm being very broad here - feel or think about it, marriage is just not on my priority list right now. We live in a rented apartment. He has had the same steady job since we met, and has been promoted three times and intends to stay there. But I have had several jobs and just made the decision to go back to school in January in the hopes of making my DREAM career happen. I'm 28. I just can't settle for anything less than what I want out of MY life - I am not the type of person that can just work a job 9-5 for a paycheck and be okay with it. There have been times in our relationship where I've been at one of those jobs and thought, "Ok, guess I'll stick with this. Should we start planning now?" But I've figured out that I just cannot be happy that way. Unless I had a side business or part-time career in the field I am interested in, I can never picture myself being "just" a mom - even though I completely and totally respect those that are, and perhaps after children my feelings about that will change. PLEASE don't take that the wrong way - when I have children, they will be our number one priority and that's how it should be. I just want to be proud of the impact (however small it may be) that I've made on the world when I leave it, and have control over what that is.

I am lucky in that SO is completely supportive and understands that me saving money for a house or me contributing to taking big vacations is not going to be on the horizon for awhile because of my decision to be a student at almost 30. But because of how long we've been together and how serious we are - completely and totally involved with each other's families, everything is great - no one can understand that the answer to "So when are you guys getting married?" is a long and complicated one. Or maybe it's just - "We don't know, and we're perfectly ok with that!" I'm tired of people feeling bad for me, as if I'm sitting around twiddling my thumbs and on the edge of my seat about "when it's going to happen." I don't want to be surprised, I want to be involved with every step of the ring buying and picking out process. I want to contribute however he will let me. (I will say, he's a bit more traditional, and doesn't love the idea of not picking it by himself, but he knows I am a stubborn control freak lol and want a say in everything). I also do not like the notion that all the pressure of doing this elaborate romantic proposal is on him only. How is that fair? I disagree with any scenario where we women expect to be rescued or courted or asked for or won. SO goes out of his way to do kind, thoughtful, surprising, romantic things all the time, as do I. That's how it should be!

That being said, I can and do appreciate the effort that a man puts into a super romantic or well-planned out proposal. I have a wedding "must-have" list and SO and I have had plenty of conversations about what we do and don't want, what our colors would be, who we'd have in our wedding parties, etc. I have an interest in the engagement ring, and wedding - obviously, or I wouldn't have found my way here. It's not that I don't think about it or want it - I just have about four or five big life things to check off my list before I can be 100% focused on getting married. I just don't think it's healthy to spend so much time obsessing over small details that really don't matter in the big picture. No judgement, just my personal opinion.

I just wonder if there is anyone else out there in a completely happy, committed relationship that is just "not that into" LIW stuff??? How do you answer the question of "when" without going into a whole resentful tirade about where you are in your life, or over-explaining, like I have just done here?

 

[Lady_Disdain]

My BF and I have been together for 5 or 6 years and we are just fine the way we are. Perhaps we will live together (likely) or get married someday (less likely). I am not stressed about any of it. We are in for the long haul and we don't really care about publicly stating this or getting a piece of paper saying it. We know it and are committed to it. Perhaps it would be different if we wanted children but neither of us want to be parents, so that takes a lot of the time pressure off.

Cultural differences also play an important part. No one really pressures us to be married or anything. It just isn't that big of a deal. My grandmother wants great grandchildren desperately, though, and it is not pretty. If anyone asks, we just say that we are fine the way we are.

 

[fabulousfindk]

Love this response! Love your name, too
I know, it's the parents desperate for babies that are the hardest to deal with!

 

[madelise]

Welcome. I agree with you that women shouldn't wait around for men, feeling helpless over the outcome and "destiny" of their marital status. I'm a proponent for ditching a man that takes too long, over waiting forever and losing your voice and priorities. The proposal/betrothal is a dated tradition, so I can see where some pro-individualists and feminists would find insulting.

So beyond your post about your relationship, congratulations on deciding to go back to school! You've already separated yourself from the "statistic", since most people never return. We have a few students here in the LIW side, myself included. Education is very important to me, and I love that you're opening yourself to more opportunities by sacrificing and going back to school. Education>Relationship Statuses, any day, hands down. I'm happy for you that your SO supports that decision.

and welcome to the LIW board. I'll add you to our list at the next update.

 

[Rosebloom]

Re: "Just Not That Into" LIW-ness!

Sounds like you're a smart woman with a great plan. I'm guessing people who actually know you agree too! So any funny looks or comments about your status are most likely them learning something new, expanding their understanding of the options. I'd opt to be a little mysterious and not over explain (maybe something like "oh, when the time is right" said with a wink). They'll get the subtle hint that its none of their business and also be super curious wondering what the heck that means...

 

[Chewbacca]

I admire your level-headedness, and your returning to school! My BF will be returning next year at the same age, I think it takes guts! And lots-o-ambition, which I also admire in a person!

As far as people asking about marital status.. I feel there are no great answers. The only solution I can think of is for people to stop asking such personal questions! Its so weird!

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

Re:

Sounds like you're a smart woman with a great plan.

Agreed!

 

[pandabee]

Welcome! I'd like to think we are a smart bunch of women here as well not just waiting and waiting only for our man to propose as well. It's a bit of a different attitude compared to some if the wedding-focused boards, having explored those as well. Congrats on returning to school! What is your dream career, if you don't mind sharing? I'm happy your SO is so supportive of everything, as it should be!

I like rosebloom's answer of "when the time is right." Says enough without saying anything at all!

 

[misscuppycake]

I don't fully stand on either side, as I have done a lot of wavering back on forth on my "LIW"-ness. Sometimes I feel like marriage is something I want; other times I feel like I could take it or leave it. I know that we are committed and since we don't plan on having children, there is no biological clock or particular timeline. I do agree with you though that sometimes I think it's pretty ridiculous that proposals and engagement seem so largely based on the man's decision.

 

[Lady_Disdain]

Mind you, I am speaking from a different cultural perspective (engagements and proposals aren't really big around here).

I dislike the theatricality of it all. The couple has already talked about marriage and have decided they want to get married in the near future. Then, after that, the power swings completely into the man's hands - he decides when to buy a ring and when to propose. Why? Hasn't it been decided already? Instead, it can lead to stalling. I can't imagine the situation of knowing he has the ring but that he won't give it to me. It seems cruel to build the anticipation, to put off telling the good news and moving ahead with the planning. And so pointless as well. After all, he isn't going to back off now, is he?

 

[fabulousfindk]

I don't fully stand on either side, as I have done a lot of wavering back on forth on my "LIW"-ness. Sometimes I feel like marriage is something I want; other times I feel like I could take it or leave it. I know that we are committed and since we don't plan on having children, there is no biological clock or particular timeline. I do agree with you though that sometimes I think it's pretty ridiculous that proposals and engagement seem so largely based on the man's decision.

THIS.

I sometimes get excited and sometimes get resentful, about the pomp and circumstance of it all. Glad to know I'm not alone in my up and down attitude toward marriage. Yes, I respect the traditions and the convention, and I get teary just thinking about my Dad walking me down the aisle, etc. But on the other hand, so much of it seems to be for the benefit of OTHER PEOPLE. Why do we need to have a ceremony and a party to show everyone we're committed, when WE - the only people who really need to know - KNOW we're committed?

Then on the other hand, I really do want to wear a big pretty dress. SIGH.

 

[fabulousfindk]

Mind you, I am speaking from a different cultural perspective (engagements and proposals aren't really big around here).

I dislike the theatricality of it all. The couple has already talked about marriage and have decided they want to get married in the near future. Then, after that, the power swings completely into the man's hands - he decides when to buy a ring and when to propose. Why? Hasn't it been decided already? Instead, it can lead to stalling. I can't imagine the situation of knowing he has the ring but that he won't give it to me. It seems cruel to build the anticipation, to put off telling the good news and moving ahead with the planning. And so pointless as well. After all, he isn't going to back off now, is he?

YES!!!! I was just telling my friend that I feel the man has all the power and control and upper hand. I mean, having the ring, or having jointly decided to get one, and then lording over the woman for months or longer is just cruel and ridiculous.

The pressure is what gets me.. it's not fair for all the pressure to be on him, or for all the power.

 

[fabulousfindk]

I do agree that the majority of women here are smart, level-headed women in control of their destinies. I just don't agree with the idea of waiting for anyone to make my dreams come true. I truly don't mean to offend anyone.. everyone has hobbies, and knowledge and interest in jewelry is a very cool thing, I'm not degrading it at all! It's just mostly how people in my personal life seem to automatically feel pity when they find out how long we've been together and that we're not wedding planning - as if I don't have a say in the matter!

My dream career is a bit complicated - ultimately I would love to own a store, have a personal-shopping type business (for, say, your average busy working mom who can't find time to shop, not expensive couture) and run a Dress for Success type charity, helping women who can't afford clothes and who need assistance entering or re-entering the work force for whatever reason. Perhaps a portion of the proceeds from the boutique would fund the charity? It's just an idea I've recently been fleshing out in my mind.. I've been laid off twice in the last few years, and I know what it's like to interview 10 times a week, in the only suit you own, for jobs you aren't sure you understand or are qualified for, that 60 other people are also applying for. I want to help women explore their options and give them tools to change their lives. So I'm going back for my business management degree, with a concentration in fashon merchandising.