Find your diamond
Find your jewelry
shape
carat
color
clarity

Just got in a big fight w/ my mom

Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.

robbie3982

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 28, 2006
Messages
3,960
I''m in the process of scheduling a tasting for our reception. We have a date set and were just trying to work out what we''d be tasting. I''ve been having problems with the events director of the site. She told me that we can select to entrees to taste. I told her that wasn''t going to be enough since we''re serving 2 entrees. I want to actually be able to make choices and if we have to end up with the things we pick even if we hate them or things we''ve never even tried, we may as well just not even have a tasting. I definitely worded this much better and in a much more friendly way when I sent it to the events director. I haven''t heard from her on the subject since thursday despite a few emails on my part.

I was talking to my mom about the frustration with the events director and said that in my last email I''d told her that since we''re allowed to have 6 people at the tasting we would like to have one plate of each of the 6 entrees. My mom then went off about how we CAN''T serve the stuffed pork chop. We''re Jewish, but this has absolutely nothing to do with her reasoning. Out of the approximately 180 people we''re inviting, 5 won''t eat pork, but they also won''t eat any other meat because it''s not prepared kosher. Her reasoning is that pork chops aren''t classy. I''m not saying that I really want to have pork chops, but I want to be able to taste my choices and have the option of serving them if they''re the best tasting thing we have.

We got in this huge blow out fight where she said that it''s an event that she''s hosting and therefore she''d take my and FI''s choices into consideration, but she gets to make all the final decisions. I said that it''s our wedding and she''s being unreasonable. She then said something along the lines of "ok, if you pay for it then you can choose whatever you want. My mother planned my entire wedding!" She wanted her mother to plan her entire wedding! I don''t want her to plan mine!

We''ve had similar battles a few other times and even before we actually started really planning the wedding. I told her and my dad from the start, that FI and I would be perfectly fine just eloping, but they wanted to do a big wedding and they promised that I would get to plan it as long as it wasn''t unreasonable and stayed within the budget. She tried to pull this crap with the guest list too. She said our friends weren''t as important as theirs (lots of whom we don''t even know!) because their friends will bring better presents
. AGH!

I feel like my mom is fighting me on almost everything! She even tried to tell me that I couldn''t have tea-length bridesmaid dresses.


My dad just sent me an email saying that he agrees that my mom is being unreasonable and that he''ll try to talk to her when she cools down, but that he doesn''t want to serve the pork because even though we''re not having a religious wedding, he just doesn''t feel that it''s right and said that my uncle, who is also not religious, is doing the same thing for my cousin''s wedding. That''s fine. That''s a real reason and I can understand that. He also said that he talked to the assistant to the owner of our reception location and said that I was unhappy with the events director which was making him very unhappy. He told them that it''s ridiculous for them to limit the tasting to 2 main dishes. The assistant agreed and said that was not their policy, and he would take care of the matter. Go dad!


Super unhappy about the whole wedding right now
 

luckystar112

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 8, 2007
Messages
3,962
Oh boy!!

What''s sad is that I bet my mom will be the SAME EXACT WAY. She''s already starting and I''m not even ENGAGED YET! For instance, I know where I want to get married, but she keeps sending me links to OTHER areas. I know this is just the beginning.

My mother has also told me that she''s only paying for the cake...so she''ll probably think she can make all the decisions with MY money! lol.

But if my mom WAS paying for it and because of that she told me that her ideas/people were more valuable than mine, that would be the second I told her to keep her money and closed her OUT of my planning.
 

FireGoddess

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 25, 2005
Messages
12,145
Hmmm, I would probably say something on the order of the fact that you really appreciate her volunteering to pay for the wedding, but if it means that this will be HER ideal wedding and not YOURS, then it's not worth it to you to accept her offer to pay. Maybe she felt since she didn't get to plan her wedding, she will get to plan yours, but that's not exactly fair. You have to be willing to accept that she may rescind the offer to pay for the wedding, which is fine if you are willing to pay for it yourself. But she needs to realize that offering to pay doesn't mean she makes the decisions, it means she has a budget on how much she's willing to spend. If you want to spend more than that, you have to kick in the money. But that shouldn't give her control over all your decisions.

Anyway, let your mom cool down (and you too) before approaching the subject again. She probably got upset because she wants to have some say and feels like she is getting none, and you want to make sure that the choices are yours and you feel like she's imposing her will on you.

As for only tasting 2 items when you want to serve 2 items, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard, because in essence that gives you NO CHOICE. Absurd. If your dad hadn't called, I would have told you to. Because there have to be more than just 2 items in order to MAKE a choice of 2 items!
 

Jaders731

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Oct 12, 2006
Messages
527
Ahhhh yes Robbie!!! Welcome to what has been my personal he!! for the last 24 hours!! (and well.. several times over the last 8 months)

I''m sorry that you are having to go through this... I know all too well just exactly how you feel.. and I think the worst part is that ever looming "well, I''m paying for it, so I say.." type of mentality. My mom has had sugarplum dreams of planning my wedding with me since the day I was born... so when I decided to marry an architect (someone very design oriented..) she flipped when he wanted to be a part of it... that phrase is her absolute favorite!! And she isnt even paying for the whole wedding.

Take a deep breath.. and remove yourself for an hour or two... it will help! Also, realize that the two of you are going through a VERY stressful process... it takes patience and cooperation... and fighting and arguing will not help.
I have had to on a number of times, suck it up for the sake of not LOSING all we have worked for... and just say.. OK.. I''m sorry.. lets start over (even though I knew I was in the right!!).. I''m not telling you to say sorry, I''m just suggesting that you master the fine art of appeasement.

The lesson I have learned in all of this.. is that no matter how hard you try.. you absolutely CANNOT, under any circumstance, please as many people that technically need to be pleased in your upcoming nuptials... make sure that you and your Fi are happy.. and then move to the others... but dont break your back trying to do it!

Chin up Robbie.. hugs your way.. because I know all too well how you feel right this minute!!

Keep us updated!
 

labbielove

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 28, 2006
Messages
862
robbie,
i''m sorry for the fight with your mom,
but kudos to dad for stepping in- it sounds like a cool off period is
definitely a good idea.
it sucks when parents pull the "i''m paying" card, maybe a subtle reminder
to your mom of their promise to let you and fi choose within a budget,etc.

but that aside, unfortunately everyone does have an opinion, and i agree with pp''s
that there is NO way to please everyone so def. make sure you and fi have what is important to you,
and then take it from there.

coordinating an event like this is stressful, but take a deep breath......

hang in there and keep us posted
 

Melibk

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Aug 28, 2006
Messages
103
Oh my gosh. THis sounds like my mom!!!!!

So far she has caused me so many problems and stress. First, she didn''t want my fiance''s mom to go to look at wedding venues. Then she was mad because my DAD was going to walk me down the aisle. THey are divorced. THEN she basically FORCED me to have my sister be my maid of honor. I woudl love to have my sister be my maid of honor except that she is 15 so I am now kind of doing everyhting myself. I wanted to have two maid of honors. My sister and an older friend. My mom threw a fit and I NEVER should have listened, but I made that mistake.

NOw, she is insisting on inviting her friends from work that I have never met, and I am not inviting MY friends from MY work.

The funny part is she is not even paying for the wedding!!! SHe is paying for my dress,which is great, but still.

I get so frustrated, and the list could go on and on.

Robbie - sorry you are dealing with this too, but does anyone have any suggestions for us???
 

basil

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 27, 2006
Messages
1,526
Sorry you''re going through this, Robbie. It sounds like your mom could have expressed her opinion about pork chops in a much less inflammatory way. Cause really, in the grand scheme of things, pork chops isn''t really a huge deal.

Maybe your mom regrets that she didn''t plan her own wedding, and wants to make up for it now by exerting control over yours. But in any case, I think with people like this, it''s always best to pick your battles. Since you don''t really feel that strongly about pork chops in the first place, I wouldn''t fight it too hard. Other things may be more important to you and she''ll probably be more likely to give in if she feels like she''s "won" some.
 

robbie3982

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 28, 2006
Messages
3,960
Wow, seems like lots of people are having the same problems as me!

luckystar and firegoddess I would love to tell her to just keep her money and we''ll plan our own wedding, but FI and I really could only afford to elope, so at this point if we told her to keep her money (and then had to repay her for lost deposits) not only would we be out a wedding, but we wouldn''t have enough money for the honeymoon which we''ve already put a deposit down for
. Looks like we''re stuck with the situation for another 6 months.

jaders, I really don''t know if I can bring myself to apologize to her again. Every time we have one of these wedding arguments I''m the one who has to apologize. I''ll be the first to admit that I''m not blameless in any of them (the stress is causing me to go a bit bridezilla at times), but I''m so sick of having to be the only one who has to apologize. When I do apologize I never get a real apology back. She continues to try and rationalize why she''s right.

labbielove, it''s kind of funny how my dad steps up to the plate when my mom and I aren''t getting along because it used to be the other way around. He and I never used to get along, but lately it seems like my mom and I are fighting all the time and he''s trying to be the peacemaker.

melibk, my mom pushed very hard to have us get married in a synagogue, but then when we found out that our rabbi wouldn''t perform an interfaith wedding, she couldn''t even believe that i would suggest that we get married in FI''s church. She went on and on about how horrible it would be for our relatives to have to sit in a church! Helloooo...it''s all the same God, and her future grandchildren will be sitting in that church during holidays and she had no problem with all of FI''s Catholic family witnessing our wedding in a synogogue. She''s just so self-centered sometimes it drives me crazy. My sister is one of my maids of honor as well! She just turned 16. My mom didn''t force me, but only because I brought it up first. I knew that they would make me have her in the wedding, and I really felt like even though we''re not that close and she wouldn''t be able to fulfill any of the typical maid of honor duties (in addition to being 16 she''s also mentally and physically handicapped) that she should be part of the wedding party. I also chose my best friend since sophomore year in high school to be a maid of honor. My mom then tried to convince me that I really couldn''t have 2 maids of honor and that I should call my bff my matron of honor even though she won''t be married until about a year after our wedding. She finally gave up on that one, but tried to use my sister''s bridesmaid status to control the dress selection. All of the other BMs wanted tea-length dresses too, though, so she was outvoted. I highly recommend getting your sister a book about bridesmaid/maid of honor duties if you haven''t already. My friend got me this one when I was in her wedding and it really helped me out http://www.amazon.com/Bridesmaid-Guide-Kate-Chynoweth/dp/B0007IOZWE/ref=sr_1_1/002-6713531-9541650?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1173232896&sr=8-1
 
Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.
Be a part of the community It's free, join today!
    Three-stone engagement ring upgrade
    Three-stone engagement ring upgrade
    Vintage OEC Bracelet
    Vintage OEC Bracelet
    June’s Birthstone Trinity
    June’s Birthstone Trinity

Need Something Special?

Get a quote from multiple trusted and vetted jewelers.

Holloway Cut Advisor



Diamond Eye Candy

Click to view full-size image.
Top