Just don''t get it...maybe it''s a culture thing?

[MonkeyPie]

I've never understood the "I'm entitled!" mentality either, but I did it. When DH and I first moved out together, we went crazy - expensive apartment, new computers, a huge diamond, ect, ect. And then we bought a new car on top of that.

Well HELLO, dummy - money doesn't last forever. My job gave me a ridiculously huge paycut, and we went under. We have been struggling under a mountain of debt for two years, and it isn't really going anywhere. We currently have a credit counselor helping us and hope to clear out a lot of our debt this year. I can only hope.

I think that for some kids, this is what is needed to get a reality check. It worked for me!

I have a couple friends that, while they don't have tons of stuff, get a LOT for free from mom and dad. Apartments/houses, clothes, parties, whatever. Wtf - get a damn job and learn to be an adult, and stop whining when you have no money because mom hasn't been able to "pay" you this week.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Date: 7/15/2009 9:42:18 AM
Author: Lynnie
Some people just like to brag (case in point... we are on a diamond forum!)

True, it's just ironic because when I hear about people bragging about the new lexus their dad bought them...it actually un-impresses me. I don't at all mind when people brag about things they bought themselves though! In fact, I live vicariously that way, hehe.

Also, even though my parents are currently paying my tuition (they insisted), I almost never want to tell people that, much less brag about it. Even though I realize that it's smarter to let them pay for it now because it'll save thousands in debt in the long run, and because it's not at all taxing on them financially to do so, I still feel guilty about it! I feel bashful when my classmates are talking about loans for school, and I'm twiddling my thumbs, stress free because my parents are paying the way for me. But I AM very grateful that my parents are so generous and want to spare me the added stress of loans. I plan on paying them back when I finally start making a salary.

I had classmates in undergrad who would goof off in school on their parents' dime, and end up graduating late and needing an extra year tuition. It drove me nuts! Some of my friends thought I was crazy to take so many credits a semester to graduate early and "miss" senior year, but I figure since my parents were paying so much in tuition, I owed it to them to work hard and take it seriously. I figured that my dad could use that year's tuition that he saved to buy himself the BMW he always wanted but never bought himself. AND it was a great feeling to be a salaried employee! I worked throughout school as a tutor, but it was really gratifying to be a full time, salaried employee! I treated myself to something shiny, lol.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 7/15/2009 8:31:23 AM
Author: MakingTheGrade
Lilac, I think it's different if it's a gift for an occasion or specific purpose. I think what I find odd is young people my age (early 20's) using their parents money like it's their own, quite freely and happily, for luxury goods like designer clothing or random vacations to Vegas.

Agreed. I don't (and never have) taken random money from my parents for designer clothes or whatever else. But I have on occasion certainly taken gifts from my parents when they have wanted to give them whether that be a contribution toward my wedding or whatever. In fact we are closing on our first house this week and my MIL wants to buy us a washer and dryer. For my MIL it's a source of pride that she can give us these things and she offered because she really wants to do so. I declined once, she insisted, so I said ok. That is how I was brought up when someone wants to gift you something-it's rude to say no if they insist.

But there is a BIG difference IMO between taking gifts from parents that the PARENTS decided they wanted to gift and ASKING your parents to pay for expensive items for you all the time.

 

[elle_chris]

I don''t understand the "i''m entitled to" mentality either. But I do think there''s a difference with parents helping their kids.
Mine helped me out financially when I was younger and got myself into trouble with a credit card. After school when I was ready to purchase an apartment, they helped me with the down payment.

To this day when going out to dinner with my parents, my dad refuses to let me pick up the check. My husband and dad get into fights over the bill! It''s just the way they are. They''re russian and believe parents should always help their children if they''re able to financially. Whether we need the money or not, doesn''t make a difference to them. My mom always tries to slip me some cash when my husband isn''t looking. It''s pretty ridiculous, but she gets hurt when I won''t take it. For us, it is a cultural thing since other russians I know are they same way.

 

[loriken214]

Date: 7/15/2009 9:51:28 AM
Author: MonkeyPie
I''ve never understood the ''I''m entitled!'' mentality either, but I did it. When DH and I first moved out together, we went crazy - expensive apartment, new computers, a huge diamond, ect, ect. And then we bought a new car on top of that.

Well HELLO, dummy - money doesn''t last forever. My job gave me a ridiculously huge paycut, and we went under. We have been struggling under a mountain of debt for two years, and it isn''t really going anywhere. We currently have a credit counselor helping us and hope to clear out a lot of our debt this year. I can only hope.

I think that for some kids, this is what is needed to get a reality check. It worked for me!

I have a couple friends that, while they don''t have tons of stuff, get a LOT for free from mom and dad. Apartments/houses, clothes, parties, whatever. Wtf - get a damn job and learn to be an adult, and stop whining when you have no money because mom hasn''t been able to ''pay'' you this week.

I''ve been there, too, MP.....hang in there!!!

Lori

 

[Lauren8211]

I''m definitely from the "spoiled" camp, at least when I was growing up and through about 23. My mom would STILL be paying my bills if I didn''t cut HER off. She has what she refers to as "divorce guilt" and tries to buy my affection.

I told her flat out that I will pay my own bills from now on (This was at 23, even though I was really struggling). Even to this day, she wants to buy me everything. If I say my back hurts from our crappy mattress, she wants to buy me a new one. If I''m going on a trip, she wants to cover my airfare. I have to say no, because I can''t let her support me. I feel awful when she does.

I only see her 2-3 times a year, so I let her take me shopping because she enjoys doing so. Ok "Let her" sounds bad. We go shopping when she visits and she usually buys me a pair of jeans and a shirt, which I do really appreciate. She also wanted to pay for our wedding, and we really appreciated that.

I will raise my kids differently. I came out OK, but I still struggle with budgeting and living within my means. I''m better at it than I was, but I''m still learning. I want my kids to have a better grasp than I did.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Date: 7/15/2009 10:20:05 AM
Author: elle_chris
To this day when going out to dinner with my parents, my dad refuses to let me pick up the check. My husband and dad get into fights over the bill! It's just the way they are. They're russian and believe parents should always help their children if they're able to financially. Whether we need the money or not, doesn't make a difference to them. My mom always tries to slip me some cash when my husband isn't looking. It's pretty ridiculous, but she gets hurt when I won't take it. For us, it is a cultural thing since other russians I know are they same way.

Oh, same here, my parents would almost never let my fiance pick up a check, it's just not how it's done. And helping with very large financial burdens is a reasonable and generous thing for parents to do I think, especially if it's a smart financial choice to do so that way (avoiding loans etc) and the kids are also doing their best to contribute what they can. I think that's very different than kids taking advantage of their parents' generosity with their money to buy themselves expensive toys and parties.

From a cultural standpoint, it's the norm for most chinese parents to pay for their kid's college tuition. It's what their parents did for them, and what they expect their kids to do for their grandkids. I think it in part has to do how much we stress academics as a major priority, and want kids to be able to go to the best private schools without worrying about the financial aspects. Also, the parents expect to be taken care of by their kids after they retire, so it's kind of an investment in their own future as well since the more successful their kids are, the better they'll be able to support their parents later on.

I know I plan to help pay my kids' tuition as well, but only 4 years worth! And I'll definitely expect them to work part time jobs if they want "fun" money, I'll fund their learning but not their partying, they'll have to cover those costs themselves, lol.

 

[mousey]

I think sometimes its nothing nastier than immaturity, and is not necessarily a character flaw. I was a bit of a brat when I was younger. My mom sent us all to private school (even though looking back she could nt afford it), and she bought us all designer clothes as she did nt want us to feel inferior to the people we were hanging around with. As a result she did without herself. I can see this all NOW, and feel terrible about it, but at the time I was happy to let her pay 200 dollars for my haircut, while she home dyed her hair (I cringe writing this!) When I got into college, I stopped running around with the rich kids, and the scales fell off my eyes..... I worked as a waitress all through college (even though my Mom did nt want me too), and was basically self sufficient (though I did live rent free at home). Now she buys me the odd present (she recently bought me a lovely aqua marine as a bday present), but I am careful not to allow her to spend too much (she wanted to pay for the setting and the aqua marine, I allowed her pay for one of them). My point is, maybe it does nt mean the kid is a bad kid, it might just mean that their parents are very generous and they are too immature to understand that any money their parents give them is money their parents either need or could use themselves to buy something they would like.

 

[princesss]

Date: 7/15/2009 10:14:08 AM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 7/15/2009 8:31:23 AM
Author: MakingTheGrade
Lilac, I think it''s different if it''s a gift for an occasion or specific purpose. I think what I find odd is young people my age (early 20''s) using their parents money like it''s their own, quite freely and happily, for luxury goods like designer clothing or random vacations to Vegas.

Agreed. I don''t (and never have) taken random money from my parents for designer clothes or whatever else. But I have on occasion certainly taken gifts from my parents when they have wanted to give them whether that be a contribution toward my wedding or whatever. In fact we are closing on our first house this week and my MIL wants to buy us a washer and dryer. For my MIL it''s a source of pride that she can give us these things and she offered because she really wants to do so. I declined once, she insisted, so I said ok. That is how I was brought up when someone wants to gift you something-it''s rude to say no if they insist.

But there is a BIG difference IMO between taking gifts from parents that the PARENTS decided they wanted to gift and ASKING your parents to pay for expensive items for you all the time.

Very true. My parents helped set me up in my first apartment, and I am incredibly grateful. My dad came with me and bought me necessities - a bed, sheets, pots, silverware, etc. Had it just been me paying for all of those things, I would have acquired things piece by piece at Walmart, and would probably still be on an air mattress (or picked something up from Craig''s List). I was ready and willing to do it, but my dad wanted to help. And yes, when I went on vacation in April it was with them and they used their frequent flyer miles to get me there. So maybe I''m a little hypocritical. But I feel like at this stage, that''s something I would have gone without. If they wanted me to come visit (since I didn''t see them at Christmas), and they were willing to fly me out there, I was happy to go. But next year''s vacation...well, I told my parents that I''d like to come with them, so when they start planning I''ll check my bank account and see if it''s possible for me to come.

I guess I just don''t get not being willing to survive on your own. I can pay my bills and live frugally, and give up nice vacations (and clothes and purses) until I can afford them. If they''re given as gifts, I will accept, but I will not lean on anybody for day-to-day life. Eating and keeping a roof over my head are things that are my own responsibilities. Keeping myself appropriately clothed is my responsibility. And working hard for all of these things is my responsibility.

I think a lot of it comes down to the lessons our parents taught us. Independence is not a virtue in my family, it is a necessity. I was taught to pay cash for luxuries, and that very very few things are worth going into debt for (education, a home, and maybe a car if you really have to). Enjoy the people you surround yourself with, not the things (though when you can pay cash for them, there are some nice things out there).

 

[jewelerman]

Many times the child is raised to be like the parent.Ive seen many a parent create the problems by allowing this type of spending because they are medicating their own guilt.They dont spent time with their chidren because of work or they are self involved and buy the kids things to make up for it.The relationship is based on objects that will get the child some attention from passers by.There is resentment for the parents and lack of maturity in a person that openly talks abouy spending their parents money like you have discribed.I feel for these people because they will always view objects in higher value then other people or their own parents.They will spend their lives collecting things to build false self asteam rather then finding out that they have value and develope the gifts they have, or build meaningful relationships with other people.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I would be interested to see how many "moochers" go on to become independently wealthy--I''m guessing it is very close to 0%. Not meaning people who accept gifts from parents, have their college, wedding, etc. paid by parents...just those who actually rely on parents to pay their bills over the age of 21.

I have a family member (my age) who mooches and while it''s frustrating to watch him mooch, and frustrating that his parents allow it, I think about his financial future and it''s depressing.

 

[brightlight]

Date: 7/14/2009 9:18:52 PM
Author:MakingTheGrade
I don''t really get how people can be so comfortable spending their parents'' money that they actually brag about it. I admit, I''ve been really lucky and my parents have helped me out a lot financially with tuition and chipping in for my upcoming wedding, but I do my best to save them money where I can. I graduated college a year early to save on tuition, I''m having a very small and modest wedding, I rarely go out etc. So I just don''t really get it when I meet people who actually brag about how much of their parents'' money they spent.

And it''s not like a gift from their parents (I understand parents writing a large check for wedding presents or graduation gifts etc), it''s more like a consistent ''Yeah, I bought this awesome 500$ pair of jeans this weekend, but no big deal, not like I''m paying for it!''.

It just strikes me as kind of weird. But I''m not sure if it''s a cultural thing since some of my friends don''t find it odd, they figure if their parents didn''t approve of them spending their money, they''d have stopped paying the credit card balances.

Oh, I could tell you stories that would make your head spin. I don''t know if you''ve read my post in the BWW forum in the bridezilla moment thread, but I posted about a family that''s just being incredibly greedy about their wedding. The groom receives what I like to call a "monthly retainer." It''s a large amount. A lot of people don''t get paid this amount to work. The bride also has started mooching off the groom''s parents and takes cash from his mother''s purse without asking and also takes whatever random cash that''s laying on the counter. They also use the parents'' credit card to pay for all their expenses. Both of them are approximately 30 years old. The mother''s justification for the retainer is that she wants her children to continue to live the lifestyle they grew up living. The mother constantly complains about how the bride is a gold digger but also encourages her gold digging behavior b/c her son ultimately benefits from this behavior. Sometimes, I want to grab her by the shoulders and shake her until she gets some common sense.

 

[dragonfly411]

I agree that this is a maturity issue. Some day they might learn that it''s better to brag about hard earned things. I''m proud of the fact that I work for everything I have, including my horses. I tend to brush people like that off.

 

[Lilac]

I think parents paying for a wedding is different if the parents WANT to pay for it. But I also think kids can handle that gift in many different ways.

I was extremely lucky that my parents paid for my wedding. I was grateful throughout the entire wedding planning process and I still am. When we planned things I always went with the "less expensive" option because I wanted to save my parents money. There were even times that my mom told me she wanted to spend more for something nicer because she thought it was worth it but I felt bad.

My friend on the other hand just got engaged. She said to me last week that she wanted her wedding at one location because she thought it was prettier but her mom wanted it somewhere else. I asked if the place her mom wanted was much less expensive and she replied, "yeah, but it''s only like $30,000 less expensive and if they''re not gonna spend money on my wedding, then what else are they gonna spend it on? it''s not even that much of a difference." She also told her mom that if she made her have it at the less expensive place she would need to have the best of everything - the best photographer, the best band, the best food, the best dress, etc so her wedding would be "better" than everyone else''s and it would end up being more expensive anyway. I tried to explain to my friend why she was being ungrateful and ridiculous without being outright mean to her, but I still don''t think she got it. I love my friend and I think it''s just the wedding planning turning her crazy, but my mouth honestly dropped open at some of the things she was saying. I just can''t understand that mentality.

 

[princesss]

Date: 7/15/2009 11:45:37 AM
Author: Lilac
I think parents paying for a wedding is different if the parents WANT to pay for it. But I also think kids can handle that gift in many different ways.

I was extremely lucky that my parents paid for my wedding. I was grateful throughout the entire wedding planning process and I still am. When we planned things I always went with the ''less expensive'' option because I wanted to save my parents money. There were even times that my mom told me she wanted to spend more for something nicer because she thought it was worth it but I felt bad.

My friend on the other hand just got engaged. She said to me last week that she wanted her wedding at one location because she thought it was prettier but her mom wanted it somewhere else. I asked if the place her mom wanted was much less expensive and she replied, ''yeah, but it''s only like $30,000 less expensive and if they''re not gonna spend money on my wedding, then what else are they gonna spend it on? it''s not even that much of a difference.'' She also told her mom that if she made her have it at the less expensive place she would need to have the best of everything - the best photographer, the best band, the best food, the best dress, etc so her wedding would be ''better'' than everyone else''s and it would end up being more expensive anyway. I tried to explain to my friend why she was being ungrateful and ridiculous without being outright mean to her, but I still don''t think she got it. I love my friend and I think it''s just the wedding planning turning her crazy, but my mouth honestly dropped open at some of the things she was saying. I just can''t understand that mentality.

Oh my goodness, MY jaw dropped reading that! I can''t imagine actually hearing it in person.

 

[diamondringlover]

I have brought both my kids up learning the value of the dollar, I havent bought clothes for my oldest son (other then Christmas) since he graduated from high school, he likes the expensive clothes and I refuse to buy them, I just can''t afford them and he knows it, but with that being said, he did move to Chicago about a year ago (against my wishes) and I ended up having to pay all of his bills, like student loans, credit cards ect and I will say that he have never thanked me

the ONLY reason I paid the bills is because I am co-signer on them and I didnt want to ruin my credit, thank goodness he is back home and working and I am longer paying any of his bills, just an FYI he is 23 years old, he is a good kid, but I sometimes wonder where we went wrong with him.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Wow Lilac, I think your friend is having a serious Bridezilla breakdown!
Hopefully someone sets her straight, and hopefully it won''t have to be you!

Unfortunately, I have relatives who were spoiled rotten by their parents, and won''t get real jobs and weren''t bright enough to make it into college. They just live at home and mooch. Not only is it depressing to think about their future, but I feel bad for the parents since their kid won''t be able to support them when they get older! And in China, kids support the parents in their old age, there is very little in the way of govt help, ESPECIALLY considering the lifestyle they are used to. So in the end it hurts everyone, even though the parents were so proud to be able to buy their kids the nicest of things, I bet they come to regret it in the future.

 

[Barcelona]

Things is going to be long. Sorry.

I grew up in an area where parents paid for everything and unfortunately didn''t understand how lucky I was and how ungrateful I was being until I went off to college and spent time with people who had much less and did not feel entitled to things. Any clothes, shoes, going out to dinner, trips, etc. I wanted, they gave to me with the exception of very large or expensive things. I remember being very upset with my parents when they refused to buy me a car in HS. I mean, yelling/screaming, refusing to talk to them. It''s embarrassing just to write that. They did purchase a new car for me my freshman year of college that I absolutely hated, but I did really appreciate it since I certainly didn''t have the means.

My parents paid for my college education since it''s something they believe strongly in. They also paid for me to live from ages 18-23, rent, bills, food, insurance, gas, car maintenance, etc. I did hold 2 jobs my freshman/sophomore year, but my father asked me to stop and focus on school instead. I did pickup another job my senior year and paid for extra stuff from that (clothes, going out, etc.). Once I graduated and had a full time job, I was on my own. They have given me money from time to time after that if I was in a bind (i.e. having to move and pay 2 rents plus a new security deposit). They also paid for my first and very expensive wedding. Now I absolutely refuse to accept money from them, even when they offered to pay for my wedding dress for my second wedding. They have my baby sister to provide for now and I want to make sure she has every luxury that was afforded to me even though she is the complete opposite of me and wants nothing handed to her.

Going away to college changed my entire thought process about being privileged and feeling that my parents owed me things. While I had many friends in college who had a similar background, my closest friends came from families that could not provide for them and had to earn their way through college and support themselves completely. It was eye opening to say the least. Now in my late twenties, I am no longer friends with people who I grew up with or knew in college, who still feel entitled to their parents money. Or like to say things like "my beach house" or "my Porsche". I''m sorry, but unless you pay for it and your name is on the deed or title, it is not yours. Many of my friends from HS still live at home since they have no savings and no idea how to support themselves even when making 60k+.

While I am incredibly thankful for the way my parents raised me, I will not be raising my children the same way. Whether it''s through a part time job that doesn''t interfere with school or any activities, or by earning excellent grades, doing chores, etc., I want them to feel that they earned the things they have. While I do plan to set aside money to purchase a car for them and their college tuition, they will be under the impression that they must earn these things not that they will be given.

 

[lucyandroger]

I don''t think it''s a cultural thing; I think it''s a socio-economic thing...My parents don''t spoil me and aren''t paying for my wedding, bills, etc. because even if they wanted to, the money simply isn''t there.

I can''t stand when people brag about how far they''ve made it at a young age when everything they have was provided by their parents. Whenever I hear "I owned my own house at XX age" and then you find out the parents provided the down payment, I just have to

. I mean, lots of us could afford our own home if we didn''t have to come up with a down payment! That''s the hard part!

My parents gave me the intelligence, self-discipline, and confidence to make it on my own and I would never give that up for a free wedding, fancy car, etc.!

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Great for you Barcelona!

You can''t really fault kids for how parents raise them, but I feel like after they leave home for college/the real world, you''d think they''d meet enough people from diverse economic backgrounds that they''d grow out of it you know? I bet most do mature a lot once they leave home, but there''s always a few who are a little behind the curve.

 

[HollyS]

Date: 7/15/2009 1:14:52 AM
Author: Gailey

Date: 7/14/2009 11:48:44 PM
Author: HollyS
Well, I can't feel sorry for parents who train their kids to disrespect them and their money. And yes, it IS the parents' fault.

My parents told us (3 girls) that, when we got to high school age, we could either get a job, volunteer, or otherwise do something constructive with our free time during our summers. If we wanted extra money for clothes, etc., we were to earn it. They provided for our needs, but they expect us to learn the value of money by working for our 'wants'.

There is no excuse for grown women (or men), healthy of mind and body, to be 'taken care of' by their parents. I would consider anyone who uses their parents in this manner to have a serious character flaw.

Wow Holly, that's pretty judgemental!

Unlike some, we didn't buy our kids expensive designer duds. We didn't buy them cars when they graduated (not an English thing), and we certainly didn't fund their credit or debit cards.

Now that they are grown with kids of their own, we don't pay their mortgage, or sub them. We do occasionally give them a treat here and there, but no more than a couple of hundred bucks at a time. They all had part time jobs before they finished school, and they've all been gainfully employed since.

So I don't think we overly spoiled our kids, so I am mystified as to where there sense of entitlement comes from. I think there is a lot of cultural differences between them growing up and our generation.

I don't think it's all down to bad parenting. Just saying ........

HOW on earth did you take my post as a personal attack or judgment against yourself?? I didn't quote you or anyone else. And to tell the truth, I didn't even read your post.

 

[HollyS]

Date: 7/15/2009 7:34:12 AM
Author: Lilac

Date: 7/14/2009 11:48:44 PM
Author: HollyS
Well, I can''t feel sorry for parents who train their kids to disrespect them and their money. And yes, it IS the parents'' fault.

My parents told us (3 girls) that, when we got to high school age, we could either get a job, volunteer, or otherwise do something constructive with our free time during our summers. If we wanted extra money for clothes, etc., we were to earn it. They provided for our needs, but they expect us to learn the value of money by working for our ''wants''.

There is no excuse for grown women (or men), healthy of mind and body, to be ''taken care of'' by their parents. I would consider anyone who uses their parents in this manner to have a serious character flaw.

I think this is a little harsh. I agree that grown men or women should not be relying on their parents for money - so in that sense, I agree with you. But I think if the parents want to help out to make things easier for their children it''s not a problem as long as the children don''t NEED that and don''t EXPECT it or take advantage of that help.

My father offered to help DH and I out for the first year we were married because we had originally been considering pushing off the wedding 6 months to a year to save extra money. My father didn''t think that was a reason for us to wait as long as we were ready and wanted to get married, so he said he would help us for the first year. By ''help us'' I don''t mean pay for all our expenses - we pay mostly everything, and DH makes more than enough for us to pay for it all ourselves. We don''t rely on my father''s help, we certainly don''t take advantage of it, and every time he gives us money I ask him not to and try to refuse it. He insists and says he wants us to save this to contribute to a down payment on a house one day. I haven''t touched any of that money my father has given us - it''s a couple thousand dollars (probably about the same as he would have given us if he had given us a check for a wedding present) and it''s sitting in a separate account waiting until one day we use it to help us with a house.

I don''t think this means I have a character flaw because I accept my father''s gift for this year he insists on helping us. However, maybe this type of situation isn''t quite what you were referring to because I don''t rely on his money and I don''t need him to ''take care of'' me now. That''s what I have my husband for and that''s why I work myself and have saved my own money.

I also didn''t say that parents should never help, even when they want to. I was speaking to the OP who used the example of $500.00 jeans being purchased with parental money.

And yes, THAT person, the owner of the ill-gotten expensive a$$ jeans, is a prime example of someone with a character flaw. I believe she was quoted as saying "Who cares? It''s not my money."

Have I now been explicit enough in my analogy and explanation? I am not speaking to EVERY AND ALL SITUATIONS.

 

[Lilac]

HollyS - The only reason it sounded like you were referring to "every and all situations" was because you had specifically said there was "no excuse" for grown women/men to be taken care of by their parents. I think in certain situations there ARE reasons why someone might have to be taken care of for a short time by their parents (job loss, etc.) and to say there is no excuse at all for that to happen I think is what I found to be harsh.

However, if you were only referring to the expensive designer jeans, then I completely agree with you - there is no reason at all that anyone would need those things from their parents.

I don''t want this to turn into an argument - I think it was just a little misunderstanding

 

[HollyS]

Date: 7/15/2009 1:37:33 PM
Author: Lilac
HollyS - The only reason it sounded like you were referring to ''every and all situations'' was because you had specifically said there was ''no excuse'' for grown women/men to be taken care of by their parents. I think in certain situations there ARE reasons why someone might have to be taken care of for a short time by their parents (job loss, etc.) and to say there is no excuse at all for that to happen I think is what I found to be harsh.

However, if you were only referring to the expensive designer jeans, then I completely agree with you - there is no reason at all that anyone would need those things from their parents.

I don''t want this to turn into an argument - I think it was just a little misunderstanding

I consider ''being taken care of'' as being someone who lives mainly off the largesse of their parents, not on the money from gainful employment or hard work. Or someone who expects their parents to pony up for their big events/purchases while not contributing themselves; as though it were ''owed'' to them for some reason.

Yes, it was a misunderstanding; and I can see where I was unclear. Thanks for pointing that out.

 

[Lilac]

Date: 7/15/2009 1:42:53 PM
Author: HollyS

Date: 7/15/2009 1:37:33 PM

Author: Lilac

HollyS - The only reason it sounded like you were referring to ''every and all situations'' was because you had specifically said there was ''no excuse'' for grown women/men to be taken care of by their parents. I think in certain situations there ARE reasons why someone might have to be taken care of for a short time by their parents (job loss, etc.) and to say there is no excuse at all for that to happen I think is what I found to be harsh.

However, if you were only referring to the expensive designer jeans, then I completely agree with you - there is no reason at all that anyone would need those things from their parents.

I don''t want this to turn into an argument - I think it was just a little misunderstanding

I consider ''being taken care of'' as being someone who lives mainly off the largesse of their parents, not on the money from gainful employment or hard work. Or someone who expects their parents to pony up for their big events/purchases while not contributing themselves; as though it were ''owed'' to them for some reason.

Yes, it was a misunderstanding; and I can see where I was unclear. Thanks for pointing that out.

I was thinking of being "taken care of" as helping with rent, food, and basic necessities. Now that I know what you were referring to, I wholeheartedly agree with what you said. Someone who expects their parents to regularly pay for large luxury purchases and buy them designer clothing for no reason at all has no excuse for those expectations.

I have a couple friends like this and it really bothers me to hear them talk about spending their parents'' money as if it doesn''t mean anything - and as if it''s just there for them to spend however they would like.

 

[Elmorton]

I think I see this one from both sides - as an only child, I grew up with a lot of indulgences. My mom looooved taking me shopping. As an adult, I still have "finer" taste - but I realize 1) I can''t afford the same luxuries I had growing up and 2) many of these luxuries are simply not worth it. It was and still is a difficult transition to having everything and not realizing how much that added up to having to do things on my own and make my own budgeting decisions.

That said - sometimes the problem isn''t the "bratty kid" but it''s the parent. I love my parents and I would never, ever complain about any gift they''ve given me, but they still do this thing where they want to solve my problems instead of letting me solve them. If DH and I make a comment about starting to save up money for a home improvement thing, my parents will often jump in and say "how much do you need? we''ll cover it!" - for me, it''s so tempting to say "SURE!" but DH and I both agree that we have do pay for things/do things/learn on our own.

I agree though - I don''t know what''s up with the bragging. Frankly, having the whole world know that your parents support your expensive lifestyle habits is incredibly embarrassing, especially if you hold a steady job after graduation.

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 7/15/2009 1:42:53 PM
Author: HollyS

... someone who expects their parents to pony up for their big events/purchases [or even small ones]... as though it were ''owed'' to them for some reason.

That''s exactly it. The attitude of entitlement-- the expectation that something is owed to you, for no good reason that kills me every time.

 

[princesss]

I agree though - I don't know what's up with the bragging. Frankly, having the whole world know that your parents support your expensive lifestyle habits is incredibly embarrassing, especially if you hold a steady job after graduation.

Ding ding ding ding ding! That's exactly how I feel. Yeah, I know a girl who decided to up and move to a new country (on her parents' dime), and when she was here she lived in their house, ate their food, paid no rent and instead saved most of her money and spent the rest on ridiculously expensive stuff. I just don't understand why people like that brag about having 'status symbols' when their status is living at home and mooching off of mommy and daddy!

ETA: I should add that she and I had the same job/paycheck, so while she had nicer "stuff," I was happier and didn't have to live like a high school senior.

 

[mrscushion]

Date: 7/14/2009 9:36:01 PM
Author: DiamanteBlu
I find that many children don''t recognize the value of money. I''m not sure it is a culture thing, though.

With us, it has been a constant battle between me and my ex with DD. He buys her whatever she wants [AmX Gold card and all - so he''s the ''good guy'']. I''m the one that says ''no'' [how many Coach bags does a kid need? Hello?] so I''m the bad, cheap guy.

DD will be graduating college in 2010. It should be an interesting transition to an apartment of her own . . .

Well, yes and no. I was similar, until I got my first job and was completely on my own. Even then, it was tough, because I liked spending. But every year, you get better, smarter and eventually, even a big-spending kid can turn into a saver.

To the OP - I also believe it is just a question of maturity for many. You are probably more mature than they are, but hopefully they''ll get there eventually.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Occasionally my mom is very tempted to try to dress me up head-to-toe in Gucci or Vera Wang, and then walk beside me with her "My child goes to an ivy league medical school"-stickered Coach bag.

I can understand her impulse to do that sometimes, I''m sort of the physical manifestation of her successful "American Dream" story and she takes a lot of pride in me and really enjoys "showing off" my educational pedigree, it''s been such a long dream in the making for her. I''m sure if I let her, she''d have me constantly dressed in designer labels and driving a BMW, just because it really does make her proud of herself to be able to buy things she could have never have imagined owning herself when she was my age. But I just gently remind her that I wear scrubs to work, and there''s no point in buying me an 800$ outfit. And that I know she''s proud of me, but I want to feel pride in myself too, so must politely decline her attempts to redo my entire wardrobe closet.

Hehe, I do so love my mum!