Just Appalled!!!

[Sun-Shine]

Where to start....

Part 1 (the happy part) Ok, my sister is younger than I am by just over a year, and is getting married next August. She recently chose her wedding gown, and it took awhile because she is quite slim with a very large chest and wanted straps and to be covered, but not to be so covered that she felt stuffy. She fell in love and looked breath taking in a Lazaro so we (my mum and I) got it for her.


Part 2: My sister and I have a cousin who was born EXACTLY in between us, sister is not close (by not close I mean they don't like each other) with cousin. I live in the same city as cousin and because I feel sorry for her not having any siblings I tend to do things with her because she always seemed to need an older sister figure in her life and calls me all the time for advice (she's done this since she was old enough to dial my number). Anyway, she too is getting married (next May) and has asked me to be a bridesmaid and go dress shopping with her. She had asked me what my sister picked out and I said, "a Lazaro with straps, if they have it at the shop I'll show you." While shopping today they had the dress and my cousin not only tried it on, SHE BOUGHT IT! WHO DOES THAT! She knows that half the same people will be at both. I said outright at the shop, "I don't want to dampen this special occasion, however I told you my sister bought this dress, and I think this is inappropriate." She replied, "I don't know why she bought a dress when she knows I am getting married first."


I haven't told my sister because I don't want to upset her. I feel like my cousin is doing this out of spite. I don't want to be boastful, but my sister and I have both been successful academically and financially. My cousin isn't employed and still lives at home (she has never lived away from her parents), is admittedly unhappy with her body, and was proposed to without a ring while a little drunk (which she is bitter about). She constantly talks about being the first to get engaged and married, and trashes my sisters ring and home (calling them "show-offy"), she occasionally makes remarks of that nature about myself as well. I'm strongly considering withdrawing as a bridesmaid. My sister is a wonderful person, and my cousin is too, however this is just a mess.

Sorry it was such a long post, I just feel like my cousin had crossed one line to many. I'm thinking I should withdraw, and then tell my sister, and encourage her to keep her dress. I won't do anything until the weekend though because I want to think things through and hear some less emotionally charged opinions.

 

[chel180]

Wow! She must have done it on purpose, very spiteful.

..... and whilst you did nothing wrong (there is no way you could have foreseen her trying and buying the dress {madness!}) I worry some blame is likely to come down on you for showing her the dress. There is next to no chance that this will end well. My only suggestion is that you talk to your cousin and get her to see that she needs to get another dress.

I really feel for you stuck in the middle. Good luck with this.

 

[missy]

Oh my, that is really awful of your cousin and I agree with Chel. This is not going to end well and I worry that you will be caught right in the middle.

Is there any way you can speak with your cousin's mother and/or your mother and have them intervene? This is spiteful and mean behavior on the part of your cousin and she needs to have some sense shaken into her IMO.

Otherwise I would separate yourself from her wedding altogether. Sorry but this really is upsetting and I can only imagine how upset your dear sister will be when she finds out. I can only think if you threaten not to attend her wedding in May that perhaps she will come to her senses. Sometimes you have to deal with this kind of spiteful and nasty behavior with tough love as in leaving her alone to wallow in her misery and hope she sees the light.

Another thought- is her fiance sensible? Could you perhaps talk with him about this and see what he can do?

Sorry you are dealing with this. I would tell your sister sooner rather than later though if none of the above works. Can she get her money back on her dress and start her search all over if your cousin remains steadfast in her decision? Good luck!

 

[maebelle]

UGH! I think the other two posters have covered it pretty well, but I wanted to say that I feel for you. I honestly can't believe someone would act this way!

 

[Amys Bling]

Ugh. Well from your description your sister has a very flattering figure nd will most likely outshine your cousins in it anyways.., not that it is really of any consolation right now. Does your cousin even like it??? Jeez


It's obvious your cousin is jealous and resentful... At like she wishes that was your sister! Seems like what's done is done at this point- I hope your sister can alter it enough that it looks a little different and accessorize and people won't really be drawn to the fact it's the same dress.

I honestly feel bad for your cousin- now your sister is going to rock that dress months later and once again your cousin will be compared to and probably not stack up to your sister.

 

[atp223]

Wow, what a mess! How could you have known your cousin would do that, though??

It seems like when you approached your cousin reasonably to tell her this was inappropriate, she didn't listen. I think withdrawing as a bridesmaid from your cousin's wedding (or at least threatening to) may be the only way to get through to her. If you are so close with her that you're the one she went dress shopping with, and the one she calls a lot, this will likely have an impact on her and show her that you aren't going to tolerate her inappropriate behavior. I would be livid if one of my cousins did that to my sister, and if she actually went through with wearing it that would be the end of the relationship for me. Maybe explaining again how inappropriate and mean this is, and saying you are no longer going to be a BM and cannot support her or continue a relationship with her if she goes through with this will be the only way to get through to her. Sure, it's a little bit like emotional blackmail - but your cousin sounds awful and like she won't respond to reason.

 

[madelise]

Wow. If you can't even trust her morals when it comes to a DRESS, what can you trust her with? Her character is shady, even with something so minute, that I advise you not be as involved with her anymore. She sounds like the type of person that would screw anyone over just for her own amusement. Wait. She's already done that. She IS a person that would screw people over for her own amusement. That's sociopathic. Watch your own "back" with her.

And I'm absolutely curious. Does she have the same figure as your sister? Because different style dresses flatter different shapes.. Why the hell would she do this?! What does she even gain, other than pissing off your sister?

Don't even bother arguing with her. Don't let her get the satisfaction of irritating your sister. I'd call the sis, explain the situation, tell her to keep calm and go shop with her for a newer, BETTER dress. And call the cousin and tell her, "isn't it great it all worked out? She found a dress she loves MORE! I guess it really is fate! You liking that old dress must've been a sign". Do NOT give her any satisfaction of irritating you or your sister. At all.

 

[Amys Bling]

If your sister changes her dress or alters it- give no information to your cousin! Let her sit and wallow in a dress she bought purely out of spite.

As to your relationship with her- I'd pull
Back and wen speaking to her jut be to the point- no lovey dovey- she will surely feel the weight of her actions...

 

[Rebecca0388]

That is so horrible!

What must her wedding mean to her if she's willing to buy a dress out of spite knowing that will ruin it for your sister?

Good idea on waiting before you say anything, I live by this rule or you say things in anger that you don't mean.

Have you told your mum? I would tell her, she can give her opinion on where you should go from here.

I wouldn't pull out without first talking it over with her and asking why she chose that dress and you may be able to get her to come to the conclusion that it was very childish and she should get a dress that makes her feel amazing when she thinks about it, not one that has bitter resentment behind it.

And if all else fails I'm sure a lot of people at her wedding will know what she did and your sister will look a million times better

 

[pandabee]

Wow. If you can't even trust her morals when it comes to a DRESS, what can you trust her with? Her character is shady, even with something so minute, that I advise you not be as involved with her anymore. She sounds like the type of person that would screw anyone over just for her own amusement. Wait. She's already done that. She IS a person that would screw people over for her own amusement. That's sociopathic. Watch your own "back" with her.

And I'm absolutely curious. Does she have the same figure as your sister? Because different style dresses flatter different shapes.. Why the hell would she do this?! What does she even gain, other than pissing off your sister?

Don't even bother arguing with her. Don't let her get the satisfaction of irritating your sister. I'd call the sis, explain the situation, tell her to keep calm and go shop with her for a newer, BETTER dress. And call the cousin and tell her, "isn't it great it all worked out? She found a dress she loves MORE! I guess it really is fate! You liking that old dress must've been a sign". Do NOT give her any satisfaction of irritating you or your sister. At all.

I think this is a great option. Don't let your cousin and her clearly spiteful ways get to you! We are here for you, Sun-Shine...please let us know how it all goes. I also echo the PP's sentiment to try to cut ties with your involvement in your cousin's wedding.

 

[Rae~]

Please do tell your sister (to prepare her for the surprise of seeing her less-than-beloved cousin in HER dress).

I am surprised you thought it fine to go ahead and tell the cousin. I have the impression that in general, brides mostly aren't really keen for people (outside a few key ppl) to know what their wedding dress looks like before the day. Telling someone who doesn't even have a good relationship with the bride sounds like a recipe for trouble, especially since she was also looking at wedding dresses.

Sorry, I don't mean to be critical as I realise it doesn't really help the situation at this point. But I think you definitely need to tell your sister what has happened, and how.

 

[princesss]

Okay, I'm going to be the voice of dissent here.

It's a dress.

Sure, a lovely, special dress. But a dress. A dress they are going to look very different in, a dress they will accessorize differently and that will be worn at very different weddings. I've been to a few weddings, and to be honest, I wouldn't be able to picture the dress the bride wore again a week after the wedding. I certainly wouldn't be able to tell if two brides wore the same dress. Even if somebody did connect the dots, it's just a dress. It's not like your cousin tried to take your FBIL.

I can't tell if this is really spiteful, or if this is just a case of your sister having great taste and your cousin falling in love. Her response when you told her you felt this was inappropriate was certainly a bit off, but then she may, like me, see it as just a dress. Or maybe she loves it and knows she's being judged for falling in love with a gorgeous dress and she's feeling defensive.

But seriously. It's just a dress.

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

Wow! What a crazy mess! First, I'm sorry that you're in the middle of everything. I know that if I were your sister, I would be pretty pissed that you thought it ok to share the dress with someone who clearly doesn't like her. It's almost inviting some sort of spiteful thing to happen. That wasn't meant to be mean, only to point out how I would feel in your sisters shoes. You obviously thought your cousin wouldn't have acted like such a psycho, or of course you wouldn't have shared the dress with her!
You need to tell your sister ASAP. The longer you wait, the more upset she will be at you. Even though you would have never intended such an outcome to happen, she is going to blame you (even if just a little bit) since no one would have even known what dress she opted for without you telling.
As for your cousin, what makes you think she wouldn't do something like that to you one day? I think I would have a hard time attending (let alone being a part of) a wedding where the bride so blatantly disrespected someone I love. Put yourself in your sisters shoes…how would you feel?

 

[audball]

Wow. That is rude. Unfortunately I don't know that there is much that can be done about it at this point. Your sister needs to know and I agree that sooner rather than later is the way to go. There may be some blame thrown your way about spilling her dress details with someone she doesn't care for. Hopefully not, but I could see feeling that way. Especially since she'll be getting married first, your sister will look like the copycat.

Any chance of one of them changing dresses? If not, best thing is to help your sister accessorize the hell out of hers and don't speak a peep of it to the cousin. I think I'd feel hurt that the cousin used information you shared to potentially hurt your sister. Maybe princesss is right and she doesn't think it's a big deal because "it's just a dress", but your comment about her saying she shouldn't have bought her dress yet since she was getting married second makes it sound like it was done maliciously.

I hope you find peace one way or another. I don't think I could stand up for her when she (seemingly) intentionally hurt my sister on purpose. Not cool.

 

[marymm]

I hope you find peace one way or another. I don't think I could stand up for her when she (seemingly) intentionally hurt my sister on purpose. Not cool.

Yeah, you definitely have to tell your sister ASAP - and if it were me, I would withdraw from the cousin's wedding party.

(While I somewhat agree with the other posters who said "it's only a dress," that rationale would only fly with me if the cousin had tried on multitudes of dresses and your sister's dress was the only one that made your cousin a knock-out bride.)

 

[decodelighted]

Why oh why didn't you tell your cousin the dress looked HORRIBLE on her? Come on now! Think on your feet, girl!!!!! You could even do that now. "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, xxxx -- but the dress looks so much better on my sister that I think it's going to be humiliating for you. And taint people's memories of your wedding when they see the dress in its full glory on my sister."

 

[decodelighted]

After all it's not who wore it FIRST ... it's who wore it BEST! Start sending her those "Who Wore It Best" features from Us Magazine or whatever. HA! She'll talk herself out of this idea in no time!!!

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

I totally thought about typing something like this afterwards. I think having her realize she is NOT as fabulous as your sister in that dress will deter her from keeping it.

 

[Sun-Shine]

Thanks ladies for all your words of wisdom. I read each reply and calmly took action. I called my sister today, she shocked the heck out of me and laughed. She is such a graceful woman and didn't come down on me at all, she said she would have done the same thing, showing the dress anticipating that the person would avoid the dress not buy it. I called my cousin today, and asked her why she chose that dress... She had cut-outs of mermaid style dresses prior to shopping. She said, "if you hadn't of shown it to me I probably wouldn't have even considered it, but once it was on I had to have it." I said, "well if you love it then I guess thats that. I hope I'm welcome as a guest to your wedding, however I don't feel like I can serve as a bridesmaid in this spirit." She started crying, and I told her I would meet her for coffee Friday after my shift.

I called my sister again and she said "we won't even look the same" although she was irked because the photos will hang side by side in my grandfathers home (he's already cleared spots on his wall bless his heart) so anyone who looks will probably notice. I said, "it will be a game of 'who wore it best' the family edition." We also joked that our brothers fiancee should wear the same dress, and maybe I could, then our parents could renew their vows and mum could wear the dress etc etc... So all in all she's upset at a 2 out of 10 she said. I apologized to her a million times, but she said no worries, she would have done the exact same thing. At the end of the day, our cousin is about 35 kilos over her ideal weight (she told me this at the pool) and is a fair bit shorter than my sister. The veil is different as well. My sister will only wear the solitaire diamond pendant and earrings she received from our grandmothers when they passed (pendant from one earrings from one). My cousin will probably cover herself in glitter (that is not intended as a rude remark, she often wears silver glitter). So all in all my sister is keeping the dress (happily) and I will sit down with my cousin tomorrow. Ultimately I don't want her to wear a "spite dress" on her wedding day, I want her to be happy, and she just seems miserable.

I could go on and speculate as to why she is so unhappy, but I don't know if I can be fully objective. I'll post back after I see my cousin.

 

[madelise]

Consult your sister first, whatever you decide to do. If she wants her to get b*tched at, go unleash the dragon. If your sister doesn't want her to know it even bothers her, don't even mention it to the cousin. And if your sister gets mad at you, prepare for it. She kind of has the right to be.. But I wouldn't go and do anything else w/o consulting the sis, as it might just be more of a mess to fix!

 

[princesss]

Kudos to your sister for handling this so gracefully. It sounds like she's a very sweet, level headed person.

As for the cousin and the dress - if she's 35 kilos over her ideal weight and she had picked out a bunch of fitted gowns, it's very possible that she was unhappy with how she looked in something fitted but something looser made her feel beautiful. Her snarky response could have had a lot to do with how she feels about your sister, but it's very possible that she chose the dress because of how she feels about herself. I hope that you don't actually drop out of the wedding. It sounds like your cousin is unhappy and really needs a friend.

 

[madelise]

Whoops I answered 1 second to late! I'm so glad your sister is so.. calm and understanding! She has grace that I wish I could have just 1/10th of! I hope it works out.

 

[princesss]

Btw, do we get to see pictures of this dress? I'm getting married in a month and I really need inspiration. ;p I kid, I kid. I am curious about the dress that launched 1,000 ships, though!

 

[missy]

That's a relief! So glad your sister is not upset! Good for her!

Princess, congrats on your upcoming wedding!

I would love to see pics of this dress as well!

 

[princesss]

That's a relief! So glad your sister is not upset! Good for her!

Princess, congrats on your upcoming wedding!

I would love to see pics of this dress as well!

Bahahaha, oh man, I wasn't serious! Trust me, there is no wedding in my future for a good long while.

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

So happy that your sister wasn't upset! What an awesome woman! I can totally see why your cousin would be jealous of her. Glad everything is working out better that imagined...congrats on addressing the issue! Good luck tomorrow

 

[missy]

That's a relief! So glad your sister is not upset! Good for her!

Princess, congrats on your upcoming wedding!

I would love to see pics of this dress as well!

Bahahaha, oh man, I wasn't serious! Trust me, there is no wedding in my future for a good long while.

LOL...well, when you do get married I want pics!

 

[princesss]

That's a relief! So glad your sister is not upset! Good for her!

Princess, congrats on your upcoming wedding!

I would love to see pics of this dress as well!

Bahahaha, oh man, I wasn't serious! Trust me, there is no wedding in my future for a good long while.

LOL...well, when you do get married I want pics!

Deal! (Currently my friends are planning me a medival Star Trek fiesta wedding for no apparent reason, which, honestly? I wouldn't want to have, but I really want to see pictures of!)

 

[star sparkle]

That's a relief! So glad your sister is not upset! Good for her!

Princess, congrats on your upcoming wedding!

I would love to see pics of this dress as well!

Bahahaha, oh man, I wasn't serious! Trust me, there is no wedding in my future for a good long while.

LOL...well, when you do get married I want pics!

Deal! (Currently my friends are planning me a medival Star Trek fiesta wedding for no apparent reason, which, honestly? I wouldn't want to have, but I really want to see pictures of!)

In a castle?


Sun-Shine, I'm so glad that your sister wasn't upset. She seems to have the poise and grace of a saint, qualities I wish I had a bit more of! Good for her

 

[audball]

Wow! How incredibly graceful your sister was about the whole thing! I know she is WAAAAAY kinder than I probably would have been. Good for her.