joint account woes (long)

[erica k]

i don''t want to be the only person handling finances, either. my parents are that way, and i don''t care for it. my husband is very frugal, he never buys anything that isn''t school related. his daily espresso is his one and only indulgence, but otherwise, he''s pretty good about living within his means. that said, he also manages to run out of money because the amount that he gets from the loan is not enough for him to make ends meet. so he also has to do work study and a few shifts at the coffee shop. unfortunately, he doesn''t always take advantage of the work study money allotted to him in his financial aid package (i.e., he doesn''t work as many hours as he''s supposed to). that''s when i make up the difference.

i''m 28, and he''s 25. i''ve always been very independent about money, and we usually take turns paying for dinner or movies. but at a certain point, i have to acknowledge that he doesn''t have enough to survive on his own, and i have just enough extra to cover his costs. since he''s absent-minded and careless about finances, i think right now we''ll have to keep things separate.

i do hand him updated spreadsheets with our household expenses explained in minutiae, but he barely glances at them. i don''t think he feels like he has any ownership over things that we share. the condo was purchased by my parents and me, the car was given to me by my parents, and all the furniture and household goods were purchased by me. if we were roommates and i moved out, he would be homeless and destitute. well, at least he would have his bicycle and clothing!

i appreciate everyone''s comments so much! it''s really nice to hear from different perspectives.

 

[zhuzhu]

Is your husband''s name on the title of your home? If so maybe he will be a bit more aware of the "ownership factor".

 

[erica k]

Date: 4/9/2008 8:46:39 PM
Author: zhuzhu
Is your husband''s name on the title of your home? If so maybe he will be a bit more aware of the ''ownership factor''.

my parents and i bought the condo before we were engaged, so his name was never on the title. my husband has made himself quite at home, but when it comes to home maintenance, he doesn''t seem to care. i''m much more interested in keeping our home running smoothly, which entails not waiting weeks before calling the plumber.

 

[ksinger]

Date: 4/9/2008 7:49:37 PM
Author: erica k
i don''t want to be the only person handling finances, either. my parents are that way, and i don''t care for it. my husband is very frugal, he never buys anything that isn''t school related. his daily espresso is his one and only indulgence, but otherwise, he''s pretty good about living within his means. that said, he also manages to run out of money because the amount that he gets from the loan is not enough for him to make ends meet. so he also has to do work study and a few shifts at the coffee shop. unfortunately, he doesn''t always take advantage of the work study money allotted to him in his financial aid package (i.e., he doesn''t work as many hours as he''s supposed to). that''s when i make up the difference.

i''m 28, and he''s 25. i''ve always been very independent about money, and we usually take turns paying for dinner or movies. but at a certain point, i have to acknowledge that he doesn''t have enough to survive on his own, and i have just enough extra to cover his costs. since he''s absent-minded and careless about finances, i think right now we''ll have to keep things separate.

i do hand him updated spreadsheets with our household expenses explained in minutiae, but he barely glances at them. i don''t think he feels like he has any ownership over things that we share. the condo was purchased by my parents and me, the car was given to me by my parents, and all the furniture and household goods were purchased by me. if we were roommates and i moved out, he would be homeless and destitute. well, at least he would have his bicycle and clothing!

i appreciate everyone''s comments so much! it''s really nice to hear from different perspectives.

I''ve read this whole thread, and had this whole thing written out (at work) but THEN, our power went out and I lost the whole blinkin'' thing. Oh well. Since I wrote it, my initial reply, which I thought might be a bit harsh, I find was spot-on. I could sense this was pretty serious as the replies revealed more. Call it age and experience, from which I will be talking. There is little to recommend age - things sag, and you hurt more, but you actually DO get smarter if you pay attention. So age will be weighing in here.

Been there done that. Have the T-shirt and the divorce papers. Which is not to say I''m advising that, just to say that your problems ARE very serious, and putting too much on yourself, and stuffing too much (for 2 years!!) can lead to a painful outcome.

I was married for 8 years and most of that time was spent making excuses for, or trying to gloss over, behavior that annoyed me or hurt me to the core.

I could go on for a bit, and probalby will, but bottom line, your husband is being self-absorbed and immature, in the extreme. I believe I was married to someone very like him, in this at least: Goes to school for a master''s while you hold down the fort? School and job take him away so that you''re always alone? Says he will but then he won''t? Yep.

First you are not wrong or unreasonable to want fiscal responsibility and help around the house, or, at the very least, for your partner to not make additional work for you. You are clearly carrying an enormous load yourself, and this ain''t June Cleaver-ville. When you signed on to his schooling I doubt you let him sign off on being a husband, which he signed on to do when he said "I do". All this stuff about money and "forgetting"? Please. Make no mistake, what is true out in the world is true in your home: Money is power, and this is a power issue to a great extent. If it is true that he feels no ownership in the things you have, it could very well be buried resentment on HIS part rearing it''s ugly head in him unconsciouly manipulating you with the finances. People''s motivations can be very hidden, sometimes even from themselves.

You''re right you really must try to be less bitter - for YOU, because bitterness will eat you alive and will accomplish nothing for your marriage. Done that one too. But you are doing NOTHING WRONG. I would repeat it a million times, but my fingers would fall off. YOU ARE DOING NOTHING WRONG! The only thing you may be doing wrong is trying to convince him, and yourself, that you want the same things. It is very possible that you don''t.

I don''t know how you two relate, but here is what I would do. Address your concerns to him. Tell him firmly and directly, without much emotion, or as little as you can, that here is your list of things you find untenable. Reiterate yet once more how you are slowly losing respect for him with every action that belies his words. This is NOT an ultimatum, it is a warning. You two are definitely in dangerous waters. The resentment is building up for you, and he undoubtedly feels quite put upon by your demands, I mean, don''t you UNDERSTAND how important his career is??

I would wager a guess that your schedules, combined with exhaustion and the resentments, are doing a job on your love life too. (I truly don''t expect comment on this - it is for you to contemplate , but I''d bet money its having an effect...it generally does, even if we girls don''t like to admit it.). After you two have talked, then say no more and go on your way. Sit back and WATCH WHAT HE DOES. WHAT HE DOES will always be the truth. Words lie. Actions almost never do. Be ready to SEE what you may not want to see. And remember that you cannot make another human want what you want. You may get him to go through the motions by hammering him, but will it be worth it if he didn''t really want it in the first place? And he''ll resent it too. This will probably be hard: in your 20''s you are far needier than you will probably be at 40 or 50, and those needs can get in the way of seeing what is true. I''ve my own experiences and the recounting of too many others'' experiences to think that it is that different for most people. None of this is meant to come across as patronizing at all, but 20 years from now your perspective on things will be very very different than today. And you will be seeing clear patterns that you just couldn''t see so easily earlier on. It happens to everyone...

In my age group of 45 - 50+, I see lots of long-term marriages that once examined more closely, are marriages where one or both are living lives of quiet desperation. They''re still married, but OH! the cost!
When you take blame for another''s actions, or when you blame them for wanting what THEY want, when you give in on things that are genuinely important to you, you die a little inside. Until one day, you may wonder why you''re there...

I know I got to the point where I was so lonely in my marriage, that I decided I could be just as lonely by myself PLUS I wouldn''t be expected to wash his socks. For ME, it was the best decision, for now I''ve found the first love of my life again, and it took HIM awhile, but 27 years later,he finally grew into the man I always thought he might be. We are now on the same page because we ARE, and not because I browbeat him into it. Even he has admitted that it would have been brutally hard on me, to be with him in those years when he was so confused...Honestly, we''re both SO glad we''re not in our 20''s anymore. We wouldn''t trade the peace and self-knowledge we''ve gained for any level of good looks.

My suggestion is to get what help you can NOW, before this goes any further. Go to that counselor at school but get an outside person to help you. And definitely put off having children until you''re certain that your fiscal and other difficulties are hammered out.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Karen, I obviously can't comment on whether or not Erica will find your advice useful or applicable to her exact situation, but I want to thank you for sharing your experiences. I said, "wow" a few times about how insightful your observations are, I have some very close friends who could benefit from reading what you said, and I learned some things too. Thanks.

DD

 

[WTNLVR]

Well, I''ll admit I have not read all of the replies. That being said this is what has worked for us for 18 years. I have access to all hubbys accounts. I transfer funds to the joint account as needed. We split 50/50 because we make tha same amount of money. I pay all the bills from the joint account. I have lots more money due to an inheritance, but tell him when his funds are getting low. He knows to run big potential purchases by me before hand. It''s all in how you teach them. Hubby has no financial sense whatsoever nor do any of my friends hubby''s. Whats up with that? Must we do EVERYTHING-LOL??? I would love to trade places with hubby for a week. Work all day (like me), have dinner served,house cleaned, dogs fed and run out. That lets me be on the computer racing for 6 hours straight-..........

 

[ksinger]

Date: 4/9/2008 9:30:04 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie
Karen, I obviously can''t comment on whether or not Erica will find your advice useful or applicable to her exact situation, but I want to thank you for sharing your experiences. I said, ''wow'' a few times about how insightful your observations are, I have some very close friends who could benefit from reading what you said, and I learned some things too. Thanks.

DD

Well, I''m certainly not advocating divorce, believe me. But the issues she describes do NOT go away when swept under the rug, that I DO know. And like others have mentioned, they fester. They MUST be resolved, one way or another.

The sad thing about it, is most of us, myself included, don''t/didn''t have the experience to pick our way through the minefield wisely until we''ve been blown up a few times!

I''ll have pity on ya''ll and not show ya the scars..

 

[erica k]

karen--

pretty much everything that you''ve said hits really close to home, and i''m glad you commented. my parents keep asking me why i do everything around the house (i''m not that strong, physically. lots of headaches, fatigue, etc, even though i exercise every day and eat well). my mom has criticized him for not helping out. they''re very understanding about our tight finances, since education trumps all in our family, but she''s worried about us having children since he''s so busy (she really wants a grandchild).

we''ve had big serious discussions before, but they''re always highly emotional. i''m going to try really hard not to be angry or upset when i talk to him about all of my concerns (and believe me, the list is longer than my jewelry to-do list!). i am going to work on being supportive and appreciative whenever he does something good, and bite my tongue when he doesn''t. we already know that i''m very critical and that he doesn''t respond well to nagging (who does?). if that, and counseling, doesn''t work, then something will have to change. i am hoping we can avoid that.

 

[zhuzhu]

And men have the nerve to complaint about women''s passion for jewelry and make-up?

 

[ksinger]

Date: 4/9/2008 9:46:13 PM
Author: erica k
karen--

pretty much everything that you''ve said hits really close to home, and i''m glad you commented. my parents keep asking me why i do everything around the house (i''m not that strong, physically. lots of headaches, fatigue, etc, even though i exercise every day and eat well). my mom has criticized him for not helping out. they''re very understanding about our tight finances, since education trumps all in our family, but she''s worried about us having children since he''s so busy (she really wants a grandchild).

we''ve had big serious discussions before, but they''re always highly emotional. i''m going to try really hard not to be angry or upset when i talk to him about all of my concerns (and believe me, the list is longer than my jewelry to-do list!). i am going to work on being supportive and appreciative whenever he does something good, and bite my tongue when he doesn''t. we already know that i''m very critical and that he doesn''t respond well to nagging (who does?). if that, and counseling, doesn''t work, then something will have to change. i am hoping we can avoid that.

Well, if you do things around the house, it''s probably because clutter drives you nuts, (LOL! and if you could see my house right now you''d KNOW I was a complete nutter!) and the other reason is because it matters to you.

And ARE you really "very critical"? It bears some thinking about. Being in a highly stressful situation can turn you into someone you''re really NOT. I didn''t like myself very much back then either; I felt like a shrew every single day, and I''d always thought of myself as a fairly easygoing person. And add to that a PhD course of study, and a big dose of the headaches and fatigue you have, wow... I know also from personal experience how your personality can change when you have chronic pain. In any case all you have to do is live up to YOUR best standard, how YOU think a person should behave to another. You aren''t responsible for his actions.

I do truly hate to see what you''re going through. I know how it weighs on your mind. I hope you guys can get things worked out to the benefit of everyone.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 4/9/2008 9:30:04 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie
Karen, I obviously can''t comment on whether or not Erica will find your advice useful or applicable to her exact situation, but I want to thank you for sharing your experiences. I said, ''wow'' a few times about how insightful your observations are, I have some very close friends who could benefit from reading what you said, and I learned some things too. Thanks.


DD

Completely agreed. Very well thought out and great post Karen. There are a few friends of mine I wish I could forward that to anonymously...

 

[erica k]

well, i laid all my cards on the table, was perfectly calm, and suggested the possibility of counseling. as always, he was very quiet and sweet about things. he also looked very concerned about my comments regarding the relationship and loss of respect. i don''t doubt his love at all, but sometimes i doubt mine for him. i''ve said many of the same things to him before, but never in such a rational manner. hopefully this time it will resonate with him.

so, i have some things i need to work on, and he has lots to work on. we''ll see if he ok''s counseling. karen, everything you''ve said has been spot on. it''s so true, i hate being a shrew, i hate feeling like i''ve lost control of myself. i used to consider myself a person with high standards within reason, but lately, pretty much anything he says or does seems wrong because of my resentment.

it''s been a long day of work, and i have another hour''s worth of preparing for teaching to do before bed, so i should get off the computer. but i wanted to thank everyone for their wise words. i have been checking in all day, and everything you''ve said has given me strength. who knew a diamond site could be so helpful?

karen, i am going to write down what you say and keep it with me. i think your advice will come in handy, not just for me, but for friends of mine.

 

[ksinger]

Date: 4/9/2008 11:27:26 PM
Author: erica k
well, i laid all my cards on the table, was perfectly calm, and suggested the possibility of counseling. as always, he was very quiet and sweet about things. he also looked very concerned about my comments regarding the relationship and loss of respect. i don''t doubt his love at all, but sometimes i doubt mine for him. i''ve said many of the same things to him before, but never in such a rational manner. hopefully this time it will resonate with him.

so, i have some things i need to work on, and he has lots to work on. we''ll see if he ok''s counseling. karen, everything you''ve said has been spot on. it''s so true, i hate being a shrew, i hate feeling like i''ve lost control of myself. i used to consider myself a person with high standards within reason, but lately, pretty much anything he says or does seems wrong because of my resentment.

it''s been a long day of work, and i have another hour''s worth of preparing for teaching to do before bed, so i should get off the computer. but i wanted to thank everyone for their wise words. i have been checking in all day, and everything you''ve said has given me strength. who knew a diamond site could be so helpful?

karen, i am going to write down what you say and keep it with me. i think your advice will come in handy, not just for me, but for friends of mine.

LOL! Yeah, it IS good advice isn''t it? Sad that I didn''t have it, or probably DID but just wasn''t equipped then to make use of it - back when I was young! Too soon old, too late smart!

For what it''s worth, this stranger is proud of you. I know how hard this is! And just to let you know the strangeness of life, here is the (pared-down) story of me. My guy and I now: We met at 16, dated from 18 to 24, were going to get married, but opened my eyes for a few minutes and decided that I couldn''t deal with the way he was then, so I broke up with him. We went our separate ways for 11 years, during which we both married other people, got divorced from those people at the almost the exact same time, and through a flukey deal, got back together. He was messed up from his divorce, I was in total needy love again. His stoic almost cruel actions ran me off finally. And then I was seriously messed up for about 5 years. I didn''t date AT ALL. I went through the motions of my life, but I was grindingly bitter for those 5 until one day in the mail I got a very (difficult) and heartfelt apology from my stoic man. I rolled it around in my head for several years (yes, it really did help) until finally I found an email for him and emailed him. We chatted via email casually for over a year, and finally met face to face for dinner. All very casual. Before I knew what was happening - and this was all NOT DATING mind you - NOT DATING!!!!!! - he''d wormed his way comfortably into my daily life, until it became apparent to me finally (our friends by that time were already calling him by MY last name as a joke behind our backs) that we had never really fallen out of love. One very emotional evening, he confessed he''d only truly ever loved me. I resisted the idea of it for a bit, since I''d given SO much energy to "Not a chance in HELL! EVER!", but gave in to the inevitable pretty quickly and that was that. And it has been damn near perfect from there on. We stand toe to toe and face to face. We agree about so many things that I''m constantly astonished. I have a friend who said he envies what we have - that HE wants to go straight to "old married" like us, and other friends who''ve expressed dismay over how quickly we decided to get married. We just grin and say, "Um, no..it wasn''t quick AT ALL."
I''m not saying YOU should wait 27 years with most of them apart - if you''d told me 2 years ago that this would happen I''d have said you were smoking crack. It''s simply to illustrate that love IS resilient when it''s real, and there can always be a surprise around the corner.

No matter what goes down Erika, you WILL get through this. Together or apart, you will both grow and change. Hopefully you can do it together.

If you feel like talking, keep us posted. There are a bunch of people here wishing you both the best.

 

[erica k]

Karen-

your story is so amazing. i''m really happy that things have worked out so well in the end. i''m a firm believer in timing. a good friend of mine recently separated from her long-term boyfriend (7 years together). right now she''s bitter that all the ''work'' she put into him and the relationship will benefit someone else, not her. i''ve tried to remind her that we take risks in everything, and you can''t assume that your ''investment'' will pay off in the end. and sure, maybe this guy will take some of the things he learned in the relationship and make it work with someone else. if they get back together, that would be wonderful, but it''s unhealthy to hope for that at this juncture.

anyway, i am feeling more optimistic today, but i think we have much to work on. right now i am in a wait-and-see attitude. you''re so right to say that i should focus on his actions, not his words. either way, this is so much better than letting old wounds fester.

ok, i guess it''s back to gazing at everyone''s pretty diamonds.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 4/9/2008 9:46:12 PM
Author: ksinger

Date: 4/9/2008 9:30:04 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie
Karen, I obviously can''t comment on whether or not Erica will find your advice useful or applicable to her exact situation, but I want to thank you for sharing your experiences. I said, ''wow'' a few times about how insightful your observations are, I have some very close friends who could benefit from reading what you said, and I learned some things too. Thanks.

DD

Well, I''m certainly not advocating divorce, believe me. But the issues she describes do NOT go away when swept under the rug, that I DO know. And like others have mentioned, they fester. They MUST be resolved, one way or another.

The sad thing about it, is most of us, myself included, don''t/didn''t have the experience to pick our way through the minefield wisely until we''ve been blown up a few times!

I''ll have pity on ya''ll and not show ya the scars..

Oh I certaintl didn''t think yo uwere advocating divorce... but for anyone in any relationship, the issues you raied are important ones. Thanks again.

Erica, I''m really glad you feel a sense of resolve. Hang in there and please keep us posted!

DD

 

[HollyS]

Date: 4/9/2008 9:19:05 PM
Author: ksinger

Date: 4/9/2008 7:49:37 PM
Author: erica k
i don''t want to be the only person handling finances, either. my parents are that way, and i don''t care for it. my husband is very frugal, he never buys anything that isn''t school related. his daily espresso is his one and only indulgence, but otherwise, he''s pretty good about living within his means. that said, he also manages to run out of money because the amount that he gets from the loan is not enough for him to make ends meet. so he also has to do work study and a few shifts at the coffee shop. unfortunately, he doesn''t always take advantage of the work study money allotted to him in his financial aid package (i.e., he doesn''t work as many hours as he''s supposed to). that''s when i make up the difference.

i''m 28, and he''s 25. i''ve always been very independent about money, and we usually take turns paying for dinner or movies. but at a certain point, i have to acknowledge that he doesn''t have enough to survive on his own, and i have just enough extra to cover his costs. since he''s absent-minded and careless about finances, i think right now we''ll have to keep things separate.

i do hand him updated spreadsheets with our household expenses explained in minutiae, but he barely glances at them. i don''t think he feels like he has any ownership over things that we share. the condo was purchased by my parents and me, the car was given to me by my parents, and all the furniture and household goods were purchased by me. if we were roommates and i moved out, he would be homeless and destitute. well, at least he would have his bicycle and clothing!

i appreciate everyone''s comments so much! it''s really nice to hear from different perspectives.

I''ve read this whole thread, and had this whole thing written out (at work) but THEN, our power went out and I lost the whole blinkin'' thing. Oh well. Since I wrote it, my initial reply, which I thought might be a bit harsh, I find was spot-on. I could sense this was pretty serious as the replies revealed more. Call it age and experience, from which I will be talking. There is little to recommend age - things sag, and you hurt more, but you actually DO get smarter if you pay attention. So age will be weighing in here.

Been there done that. Have the T-shirt and the divorce papers. Which is not to say I''m advising that, just to say that your problems ARE very serious, and putting too much on yourself, and stuffing too much (for 2 years!!) can lead to a painful outcome.

I was married for 8 years and most of that time was spent making excuses for, or trying to gloss over, behavior that annoyed me or hurt me to the core.

I could go on for a bit, and probalby will, but bottom line, your husband is being self-absorbed and immature, in the extreme. I believe I was married to someone very like him, in this at least: Goes to school for a master''s while you hold down the fort? School and job take him away so that you''re always alone? Says he will but then he won''t? Yep.

First you are not wrong or unreasonable to want fiscal responsibility and help around the house, or, at the very least, for your partner to not make additional work for you. You are clearly carrying an enormous load yourself, and this ain''t June Cleaver-ville. When you signed on to his schooling I doubt you let him sign off on being a husband, which he signed on to do when he said ''I do''. All this stuff about money and ''forgetting''? Please. Make no mistake, what is true out in the world is true in your home: Money is power, and this is a power issue to a great extent. If it is true that he feels no ownership in the things you have, it could very well be buried resentment on HIS part rearing it''s ugly head in him unconsciouly manipulating you with the finances. People''s motivations can be very hidden, sometimes even from themselves.

You''re right you really must try to be less bitter - for YOU, because bitterness will eat you alive and will accomplish nothing for your marriage. Done that one too. But you are doing NOTHING WRONG. I would repeat it a million times, but my fingers would fall off. YOU ARE DOING NOTHING WRONG! The only thing you may be doing wrong is trying to convince him, and yourself, that you want the same things. It is very possible that you don''t.

I don''t know how you two relate, but here is what I would do. Address your concerns to him. Tell him firmly and directly, without much emotion, or as little as you can, that here is your list of things you find untenable. Reiterate yet once more how you are slowly losing respect for him with every action that belies his words. This is NOT an ultimatum, it is a warning. You two are definitely in dangerous waters. The resentment is building up for you, and he undoubtedly feels quite put upon by your demands, I mean, don''t you UNDERSTAND how important his career is??

I would wager a guess that your schedules, combined with exhaustion and the resentments, are doing a job on your love life too. (I truly don''t expect comment on this - it is for you to contemplate , but I''d bet money its having an effect...it generally does, even if we girls don''t like to admit it.). After you two have talked, then say no more and go on your way. Sit back and WATCH WHAT HE DOES. WHAT HE DOES will always be the truth. Words lie. Actions almost never do. Be ready to SEE what you may not want to see. And remember that you cannot make another human want what you want. You may get him to go through the motions by hammering him, but will it be worth it if he didn''t really want it in the first place? And he''ll resent it too. This will probably be hard: in your 20''s you are far needier than you will probably be at 40 or 50, and those needs can get in the way of seeing what is true. I''ve my own experiences and the recounting of too many others'' experiences to think that it is that different for most people. None of this is meant to come across as patronizing at all, but 20 years from now your perspective on things will be very very different than today. And you will be seeing clear patterns that you just couldn''t see so easily earlier on. It happens to everyone...

In my age group of 45 - 50+, I see lots of long-term marriages that once examined more closely, are marriages where one or both are living lives of quiet desperation. They''re still married, but OH! the cost!
When you take blame for another''s actions, or when you blame them for wanting what THEY want, when you give in on things that are genuinely important to you, you die a little inside. Until one day, you may wonder why you''re there...

I know I got to the point where I was so lonely in my marriage, that I decided I could be just as lonely by myself PLUS I wouldn''t be expected to wash his socks. For ME, it was the best decision, for now I''ve found the first love of my life again, and it took HIM awhile, but 27 years later,he finally grew into the man I always thought he might be. We are now on the same page because we ARE, and not because I browbeat him into it. Even he has admitted that it would have been brutally hard on me, to be with him in those years when he was so confused...Honestly, we''re both SO glad we''re not in our 20''s anymore. We wouldn''t trade the peace and self-knowledge we''ve gained for any level of good looks.

My suggestion is to get what help you can NOW, before this goes any further. Go to that counselor at school but get an outside person to help you. And definitely put off having children until you''re certain that your fiscal and other difficulties are hammered out.

Ditto. I would suggest couples counseling; you are very annoyed and he is not grasping the importance of these issues to you.

 

[Mara]

Pandora and Lindsey re: separate money, I totally think for us it's an age thing....because I was 29 and he was 35 when we married. So we were both really used to managing our own money and being very independent. It's hard to think about someone else looking at your money, possibly having a SAY in what you do with it etc...when you have been doing it all on your own for so long. I don't think either of us begrudges the other anything but I do know after almost 4 years we are less 'controlling' feeling about our own money. Our accounts are 'tied' together in our banking interface so we can each see what the other is doing but neither of us really ever looks. We just know what is due when and who pays what. When we go out, either he pays or I pay...it's not separate but more like...who brought their wallet or do you have cash and I don't. Our budgets are also loosey-goosey because we put money in savings etc so it's never really even obvious if one of us pays more than the other one month to the next.

Maybe someday we'll merge, and I think it may come about if I end up staying home with any potential children and don't have as much or any income...but until then we figure well it ain't broke so why try to mess with it, we will when we have to because something isn't working anymore.

Funny and random but money is the #1 reason that people actually divorce. Isn't that just crazy? So I kinda figure...well if you DO have something that works for you, don't mess with it!!

 

[phoenixgirl]

I do think that too little money causes stress, but that when you have enough money (and enough sense to realize it), then you must make the choice not to let it get in the way. We could have more money and have slightly grander versions of the clothes, cars, house, vacations, and dinners out we have now. We could have less money and have slightly more modest versions of the clothes, cars, housing, food we have now. But we'd still have each other to sit next to in the car or across the dinner table. Whether you value each other more than anything else won't change, not really, even if your financial situation changes.

Like I said, my solution was to change my expectations. I wasn't lying when I said I am happy with how things are. I can either laugh about my husband's habits or cry about them. Well, I married the guy, so I might as well give laughing a try. He's not commiting any crimes by making $500 a month disappear when he makes 250% more than I do and we have no debts other than a mortgage. The stress I felt was real, but I had to let it go. Life is too short!

 

[zhuzhu]

Well said phoenixgirl. The wisdom to not let money get in the way of love does not come easy, but it sure makes everything brighter.

 

[Vix]

Erica, you''ve certainly gotten lots of great advice (especially as far as money management strategies).I wanted to come at this from a slightly different perspective as many of the issues you''ve mentioned are familiar. Makes it easy to identify with some of your points *and* easy to put myself in your husband''s shoes.

I think many, many couples get into a cycle where stressful life circumstances makes them subconsciously competing for the role of biggest martyr. The "tallying" of who''s done or *not* done something gets worse. Each wants to be taken care of in the way s/he prefers, and yet the other one doesn''t have the mental energy or desire to caretake in that way.

Underneath all the (understandable) upset/anger/etc you sound (understandably) lonely. You miss your friends, you miss the connection you used to have with your husband when you had time to experience life together, not just get immersed in what I call "life chores."

And without those positive interactions with friends and your husband I''d suggest it''s easy to be worn down by the tedious crap that *has* to be done -- or seems like it has to be done, but in truth maybe could be postponed a bit so that you have time to do something more enjoyable alone or with someone (new or old) who''s willing to make time for you.

By his actions he sounds a little checked out of the relationship, so in your shoes I''d want to know what''s going on with him. He married someone with greater familial financial resources and is strapped for money now -- is he worrying about not measuring up as a traditional provider, or depressed about not meeting your general expectations? You sound uber-responsible, much much more than I was at your age! Is he freaking out about being 25 with responsibilities piling up and baby talk in the air? Is he wondering why his name hasn''t been added to the condo? [Here''s where I admit I''d find it hard to get overly invested in the care and feeding of the condo without it being part mine.]

You get the picture. I agree it''s best to deal with this now rather than letting the misery pile up. But I have to say a lot of this sounds like two people who really just need to adjust to situational change and find ways to recharge both individually and as a couple. Easier said than done, but very doable. I find the less I *want* to give -- because I am feeling that I am overdue to RECEIVE -- the more I *should* give in a way that resonates with my partner. [Which of course is exactly the opposite way I would prefer, but there you go.] In your case it could be "she takes care of tedious bills/he makes time for and plans something fun." You guys could each agree to take on something so that neither feels like they have to "go" first.

Best of luck.

ps Don''t underestimate the power emotions have to wreak physical harm; your fatigue and migraines could be related to your stress. Take care of yourself....

 

[erica k]

vix--

i like that you mention ''tallying'' and competing to be the biggest martyr. i am definitely the one who is more willing to take on the martyr mantle in this relationship. i''m a huge perfectionist, and i always care more about things than is probably necessary.

this is really helpful:

"I find the less I *want* to give -- because I am feeling that I am overdue to RECEIVE -- the more I *should* give in a way that resonates with my partner."

i do agree that we need to work on making time for ourselves and for each other. i think he feels like he should be better equipped financially, but he is also very much absorbed in his work. we''re both future-oriented, but he sometimes forgets about the present context. right now we''re working on a real summer vacation that is as stress-free as possible. i feel burnt-out by work, and i''m sure he could use some time to do nothing. i''ll have to check our budget, but apparently he''ll actually make money this summer rather than eat up my savings like last year. poor guy, i know he tries hard, but he has a difficult time understanding why i focus on the negatives instead of being ok with the status quo. both of us need to be more respectful of each other, but i do hate being the ''mean'' one in the relationship. i''m hoping we''ll figure out a happy medium.