Wedding John versus my Mom. Who will win!?!

[Gypsy]

NOTE: This is a long, rambling, stressed induced vent. Please do not read if you aren't in the mood.

So, Johns been boiling over with our venue since he took over talking to them about the second tasting a few weeks ago. He is always very nice, positive and respectful... which is why he is PR and I'm not. And he just feels like they've been treating us poorly and are dragging the second tasting out so that we have to pay them the next installment of the $$ we will owe them (about 3 weeks from now) and are then irrevocably tied in to use them. Well, yesterday our Catering manager finally returned his call from Thursday and basically said that it's not her problem, its her managers and we should deal with the manager and she's tired of playing go-between. Which um... is her JOB, since her BOSS told US to talk to her. And her tone was, honestly, just flat out rude.

Well, then we went to a Looooooooooooooooooooooong dinner party at my parents home, which always put John in the best of moods, and while we were there talk of the wedding my parents and some of their friends had attended on Saturday came up. My mother was complimenting... um, quite a bit... the service and the food of the place and it was like... well, I think it was driving John slowly nuts. Truth to tell. Then my mother mentioned that SHE supported us in our plans to elope (though she wanted us to elope to another country, not Vegas or even Mexico really as it was too close) and that John had been against it, and that she had thought that was the most responsible thing to do. Um, yeah. John was rubbed the wrong way. My mother said this in context TO BE FAIR... she said it to support the daughter of one of her friends who wants to elope... and HER mother doesn't want her too. (confusing enough for you!?!)

SO we got home and were arguing till about 2 am about the alternate venue (holiday weekend so I haven't heard anything from them, have no menu so I don't know the meal pricing, just that it's 'comparable' to current venue in pricing) versus eloping to Vegas. Which John is suddenly on board with. He asked me to just price things out as a plan B in case the alternate venue doesn't work out... and I asked him to. Well he did, and loved the Venetian's service and everything this morning... so, we started talking about it and the next thing I knew I was smiling and laughing... and he says, "that the first time I've seen you happy and excited about the wedding since the tasting." And he, my groom says, "So is this plan B, if the alternate venue doesn't work out?" and I said I would consider it after we talked to our parents. Well his mom, she bows to his will on stuff like this... he's her son, it's his wedding, she'll support him no matter what.

My mom has a cow. Says it would be humiliating and she'd rather we just leave it at existing venue and not have to explain another wedding shift to anyone. Which I can understand her perspective. SO... John says, let me talk to her. And I'm just fed up with this whole thing and just want to get freaking married and said fine. And he said he wants to talk to her in person and with my step dad present (personally I don't do anything with stepdad present just pisses mom off more). And well, I let him go up there to talk to them. About this. Alone.

And I know why he's angry, and upset. And I see his side. But I see hers too. And normally I step between them and referee to a comppromise because I know that's my job. But as a result my mother doesn't realize what a bulldozer he can be when something matters to him and he's willing to fight for it, and she thinks that if she gets angry he'll give in like I do sometimes. But I just couldn't deal, and didn't want to be involved... so I'm afraid of what's going to happen when the clash in about FIFTEEN MINUTES and but um... I also jsut don't care cause I want it over with and I'm tired of refereeing between the two of them for 9 freaking years, and I just want to let them deal with each other and figure things out and the winner is the winner you know? I'm not usually a wimp, but I just feel worn out, and with mom disabled and hurting its SO HARD for me to fight with her recently.

Sorry, just really upset and crying. But at the same time just resigned.

 

[Gwyn]

Aw. Sorry you are going through this. Mixing parents and significant others can be hard. Especially when the parents are used to having any control over you. Guilt doesnt work so well on people who you didnt give birth to

Hopefully everything will go okay and the two of them get it sorted out. If it makes him really happy and it has got you smiling again, then I do not see much of a reason not to move forward with it. Other people having opinions about the "wedding shift" let them. If you stay at this place and the staff isnt attentive and the food isnt good (which i believe are the issues you are facing) then they are going to have their opinions about that. So, either way, you are stuck with some people judging you. Just do what works for the two of you


Good luck!

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Gypsy I am so sorry.

This is ridiculous. This is supposed to be about a happy time one of the happiest, most defining moments of your life and everyone''s getting so angry that they''re hurting each other.

At this point, I can totally understand why you''re tired of being the referee. I understand how it''s your position, but at the same time it isn''t. They''re adults just like you. You can''t fix everything. So. This is what I think you and John need to ask yourselves and each other: at this point, what do you want? It''s obvious that your current venue is not going to work. They''re unreasonable and treating you both wrong. You don''t want to give them any more of your money. So, do you want to go to Vegas? At this point, you probably cannot have what you originally envisioned since the venue is not working out. So what you two need to find is what will make you both happy now. Your families can adapt later. It''s your wedding not their wedding. If the new venue works out then great, but if it does not would you be happy with Vegas? Could you see yourself telling grandkids and laughing one day about all this trouble that happened? If so, then I say go with it and have the time of your life. This day is monumentally important, and it may seem like a lot is going wrong, but that doesn''t mean there isn''t time to make it right. Please try to take a deep breath. Watch the sneezing Panda: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FzRH3iTQPrk. We''re here for you! ((hugs))

 

[Gypsy]

Thank you Gwyn and Sarah. I'm a little calmer now. I'm honestly just tired of being stressed and want to go back to looking forward to my wedding. I was very excited on Saturday with the alternate venue, and still am. I was very firm with both of them that it's my first choice. And I think that John just wants to get away from it all and when we were in Vegas last year we had a blast and so I think that's contributing to his feelings. And he's very ... well, he really expects to be treated a certain way. He is always respectful, even when angry, so he expects others to be. One thing he can't abide by is people being... I guess 'dishonorable' is the best term. My mother, well... I have a lot of blame there. Since her surgery and especially with the third one looming I've just been lax and letting her get away with things I would have normally just put my foot down about, and if necessary, fought with her about. But, I just haven't been doing it and I've been giving in on the little things... so she'd gotten a wee bit demanding again. So... I just feel like I've created the mess, and am taking the cowards way out and letting them deal with it. But as you said Sarah, there just comes a point when every one breaks. And I just feel like I hit that point today. Just stopped caring about the wedding altogether once mom threw her fit and gave up. I think that also really bothered him. he hates seeing me defeated, and that's really how I felt.

I think I would enjoy Vegas since its one of the ideas I liked to begin with. And the Venitian has some nice perks about it. And we could take everyone to Andres the French restuarant we got such nice food and fabulous service at when we were there in November. And it would match my original idea of a nice ceremony followed by a dinner reception. The only thing I want in addition to that is a first dance, but John promised to make that happen somehow and he's never broken a promise to me. So yes, I think that I would be happy. And we could even do it earlier than 9/21 if we wanted and then we'd be married!

 

[Gypsy]

They came to compromise. *SHOCK*

My parents will support whatever we decide on, as long as I want till after June 10th (mom''s MD assessement at Mayo Clinic) to make a choice IF we switch. Because mom is worried about her surgery and the MD assesement and flying to Vegas to attend a wedding there. If she can''t fly anywhere... well, that''s why I built delay clauses into our vendor contracts so if something happened we would be able to recover something. So... I''m good with it. Amazed that apparently my stepdad helped out in making my mom see reason (which is why John wanted him there, I have to listen to John about this stuff more often). He made everything better.

 

[FrekeChild]

Ugh Gypsy!!!I''m sorry your venue is being such a POS. And mom drama never helps anything. But John...John deserves a medal of honor. Did you already send out those STDs (the paper ones hee hee hee)?

 

[isaku5]

Date: 5/26/2008 9:14:28 PM
Author: Gypsy
They came to compromise. *SHOCK*

My parents will support whatever we decide on, as long as I want till after June 10th (mom''s MD assessement at Mayo Clinic) to make a choice IF we switch. Because mom is worried about her surgery and the MD assesement and flying to Vegas to attend a wedding there. If she can''t fly anywhere... well, that''s why I built delay clauses into our vendor contracts so if something happened we would be able to recover something. So... I''m good with it. Amazed that apparently my stepdad helped out in making my mom see reason (which is why John wanted him there, I have to listen to John about this stuff more often). He made everything better.

When I saw the subject line, I was betting on John. He did it too!!! Way to go, John!

I''ve never met the guy, but I certainly admire his PR skiills

That sounds like a very fair compromise to me

 

[Gypsy]

It is a fair compromise! I was very proud. It''s so nice to be a strog woman, but also be able to know that you have a strong man to depend on when your feeling not so strong.

So no, we haven''t sent out the paper STDs yet. Probably won''t until we know one way or another. And if they go out suspiciously late, oh well.

 

[FrekeChild]

I agree, oh well.

Because of your thread I''m considering an elopement to Vegas, and because of some dude on TV, FF is considering getting a tattoo wedding band. Oy.

Did you ever hear back from the interview place?

 

[Gypsy]

The background check people contracted me for a couple of things on Friday that I have to fax them tomorrow. I don''t know what that means.

Thank you Freke, and Isabel, and Gwyn, and Sarah for reading my rant and the empathy. I really appreciate it.

 

[Gypsy]

BTW. If you are serious about Vegas and we do it, feel free to grill me.

 

[fatafelice]

Hi, Gypsy! I haven''t been around much, so I don''t know the whole story behind what is going on, but I want to offer up a BIG hug! I am glad that your mom and John were able to reach a compromise, but mostly I hope that in the end, you get the wedding that *you* truly want. You have earned it after all these years!

 

[Gypsy]

Hi FF!!! I remember all the difficulties you faced, and with such grace. Thank you for the hugs and the support. It's going to be okay. He loves me, I love him. And we're getting married. I have been lost in the details and lost sight of that... but I'm back now. We had a nice talk. My unhappiness has been making him crazy, making him want to fix things. And he was able to today. LOL. He's better, I'm better. If the alternate venue doesn't work out... well, there's Vegas now. He IS adamant now that he does NOT want our wedding at our current venue, even if they do get their sh*it together and get a second tasting together. So I'm going to call them and cancel as soon as I can-- I may try to work something out with them that, if they are ammenable, that if they re-book the date I get my deposit back. We'll see.

 

[iluvcarats]

Hi Gypsy!
I know this is stating the obvious, but that really sucks.
We had some similiar fighting, changing the date ect.,
but that was a long time ago with 2 kids in between, and my point is, I don''t remember any of the bad stuff.
I only remember that it was a great, special day, and I have beautiful pictures to look back on.
The bad stuff has faded.
Your wedding will be beautiful and special no matter what, because it is about the two of you spending the rest of your lives together.
Sending big hugs your way!

 

[Gypsy]

Thank you iluvcarats. It''s nice to hear someone talk about the otherside of drama... looking back and what you remember being the postive. I''m really looking forward to that. Thank you for the support! ((HUGS)).

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Just wanted to say glad everyone reached a compromise!!

 

[Gypsy]

Me too!! Thank you Sarah!

 

[Kaleigh]

Sure hasn''t been easy for you two. I am hoping all is settled now, and all goes well. Props to John, sounds like such a great guy, no wonder you are marrying him. Plus props to you sweetie, you have been through the ringer. I give you both (((hugs))))

 

[Gypsy]

John is wonderful. I''m very lucky. How he puts up with me? I don''t know LOL. Thanks so much for the hugs and the support and the good wishes Kaleigh I appreciate it! ((HUGS))!

 

[Harleigh]

Well, heck, my last post just got another error message...arghhh!!!

Wow...I am so impressed that they got things worked out! Now, could John work his magic on my parents?

Long story short, have only spoken to them once since Mother''s Day when they felt it was okay to completely cut me down, ruin the day and treat me like a 12 year old, which they would never do if Rusty was there.

So, I am avoiding them, Rusty doesn''t want anything to do with them, and it is just a disaster. They never see anything they do wrong and cannot imagine anything is ever their fault. We went looking at houses in another city if that tells you how bad it''s getting!

My darling mother just finally rsvp''d to one of my showers...I wish I hadn''t insisted she be invited now, but it would''ve looked strange for her NOT to be at them, right?

Thanks for letting me vent!

 

[doodle]

VIVA ITALIA!!!!!!! or something...::puts down the liquor::

seriously though, yay john, and yay mommy, too, for working together. it''s great that they both love you and want you to be happy, so they''re willing to work together. what a lucky girl you are! i hear ya on a strong woman needing a strong man--my poor FI, haha. glad things worked out so well for ya, and keep us posted on the venue shenanigans!

 

[Maisie]

I am glad your mother and John managed to find some common ground. Its much easier when people you love get along! Don''t get me started about Gary''s family. They hate me... can you imagine such a thing? I am always nice and respectful and all the things I should be, but it doesn''t get me anywhere. They think he should leave me.

Anyway, I hope you end up with a venue that you will love! And if all else fails you have got Vegas! How exciting!!!!

Sending you big hugs!!!

 

[gwendolyn]

Hiya, Gypsy, just wanted to say that I think it''s lovely that John pointed out how nice it was to see you happy when talking about your wedding again, and even lovelier that in the end, he and your mom (and stepdad) were able to reach a compromise. Since it''s after the holiday weekend, I am hoping you hear back about this other venue because the one you''re currently with sounds pretty sucky! I''m sorry for all the stress, but am very glad John was there to fight one of the battles for you.

 

[pjean]

Date: 5/26/2008 8:38:05 PM
Author: Gypsy
I''m honestly just tired of being stressed and want to go back to looking forward to my wedding.

Oh, honey. We want that for you too. I''m glad that John was able to take over when you were overwhelmed. I think that''s the sign of a good partnership, personally. It''s not that you quit and he had to step in - you have baggage there that he doesn''t. So it makes total sense to tag him in, if you know what I mean.

Can you picture the goofy smiles you''ll both have on your faces in the wedding photos?

 

[purrfectpear]

Great results

As I was reading your first post and came to the part where you said "And normally I step between them and referee to a comppromise because I know that''s my job" I thought huh?

This is the MAN you''re going to marry. It''s not gonna be your job to referee. He''s no little boy (and he just proved it). Lucky, lucky you that he is such a level headed standup guy. It''s OK to depend on him a little. I''m so glad that it all worked out, but even more glad that you realize now that you don''t have to run interference for him

 

[AmberGretchen]

Oh honey, I''m so glad to read these posts and your posts in your other thread about the venue and hear you sounding a little more zen about this. I think the compromise sounds fantastic, but its even more fantastic that you and John are having good communication about everything and that you guys feel like you are on the same page and are a team again. Honestly - that plus focusing on how happy you will be to be married to this man you love so much will get you through anything and everything.

Harleigh - your parents sound a lot like mine (or at least my dad and stepmom, my mom is actually OK). I just wanted to say, without threadjacking (hopefully) that I''m so sorry you are dealing with that pain and drama - I remember what it was like before my wedding, and even on the day of. I wish I had words of encouragement that it would get better, but honestly, I think that sometimes the "growing up" part of a wedding involves exposing some rather ugly aspects of people in your family. And then you have to decide, as an adult who is starting a new phase in your life, whether the good outweighs, or has the potential to outweigh, the bad, and whether you want to include those people in your new life or not. HUGS to you as you go through this, and best wishes - I know how tough it can be, but I know you will stand strong and that you will have a beautiful wedding to the man you love no matter what happens with your parents.

 

[Octavia]

Gypsy, I''m sorry I didn''t get to reply sooner. I''m so glad that John was able to work out a compromise with your mom, you did right by letting him go up there. It''s always good to be able to trust your SO to handle difficult situations with grace.

Also, I''m sorry that Garre is being such a pain. I was hoping for your sake that they''d pull through, but it seems like they''re just plain dropping the ball. It''s a very good thing that you have some alternatives, good for you for following your instincts. The wedding industry is a terrible racket, but if we don''t fight back, it will never get better...so even though it''s causing stress and mess, I admire you for not putting up with the crap. Hopefully something good will come for you soon. I just believe it has to, you''re due for a break.

Best of luck from here forward, and fingers crossed for smooth sailing!

 

[Gypsy]

Feel terrible about neglecting this post when you''ve all been so wonderful. THANK YOU ALL for the suuport Promise to post tomorrow to you each personally, but for now I''m off to bed! Good night!