Jewelry in memory care?

[Bravissimo]

So my mom is going to memory care assisted living against her wishes, because she has dementia caused by drinking and end stage COPD, fell and broke 5 ribs, is non compliant with her medicines and oxygen and I cannot care for her at home.

She loves jewelry. Do I bring her some? I would rather not have her take the e-ring from my dad who has passed, because I am afraid it will get lost or stolen but it IS hers.

Anyone else been in this position?

 

[FL_runner]

Honestly I would only bring costume jewelry that you would not miss if it goes astray. When my grandmother was in memory care we made sure she was comfortable with comfy, nice clothes and accessories when appropriate but nothing expensive or sentimental.

You could always get a nice CZ ring that looks similar to her engagement ring.

 

[victoriangurl96]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, @Bravissimo. It sounds like a very difficult situation for you.

I second what @FL_runner said about not bringing expensive or sentimental jewelry into memory care. Theft can be rampant, I know. And it isn't always the staff. Residents sometimes take from other residents.

Berricle makes some wonderful CZ rings that can look very realistic, you might try that route.

Gentle hugs.

 

[MamaBee]

So my mom is going to memory care assisted living against her wishes, because she has dementia caused by drinking and end stage COPD, fell and broke 5 ribs, is non compliant with her medicines and oxygen and I cannot care for her at home.

She loves jewelry. Do I bring her some? I would rather not have her take the e-ring from my dad who has passed, because I am afraid it will get lost or stolen but it IS hers.

Anyone else been in this position?

@Bravissimo I’m sorry your mom has to move into memory care. It’s hard. My mom isn’t in memory care but in a skilled nursing home. I bought her some jewelry from Amazon. She doesn't know the difference but they’re 10k gold set with inexpensive gems. If she loses them it’s not a big deal. They are really pretty. She has peridot, topaz, a lab emerald ring, etc. She looks pretty but I don’t worry about her losing expensive jewelry. I wouldn’t give your mom her engagement ring. I would get her a CZ to wear.

 

[LilAlex]

Anyone else been in this position?

Not in memory care, per se, but have been close. Mom would never take her jewelry to the hospital or to hospice. For the latter, she held a small framed photo of her late husband -- but not her wedding ring or e-ring. I trust almost everyone in those places -- but not absolutely everyone.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

@Bravissimo I’m sorry your mom has to move into memory care. It’s hard. My mom isn’t in memory care but in a skilled nursing home. I bought her some jewelry from Amazon. She doesn't know the difference but they’re 10k gold set with inexpensive gems. If she loses them it’s not a big deal. They are really pretty. She has peridot, topaz, a lab emerald ring, etc. She looks pretty but I don’t worry about her losing expensive jewelry. I wouldn’t give your mom her engagement ring. I would get her a CZ to wear.

I wish we had thought of this with mum
my sister felt so mean taking all het jewlery away but the demetia care home could not guarantee its safety and mum was up there wearing her own mother's ER

the only thing i would add @Bravissimo is not too much
unless you or a sibling visit every day no care home worker is going to have time to co-ordinate jewlery to your mom's outfit

My sister raised a stink one day because she went up there and they had mum dressed in clothes that didn't match - it is a dignity issue when you think about it

And im also very sad to hear about your mom's situation
Hopefully she has very good people caring for her and now you can worry just a little less about her as she is safe now

What @victoriangurl96 said is dead right
When my FIL was in demetia care we went up there one day and found a framed picture of someone else's mother beside his bed- we can laugh about it now but it was not at all funny at the time

 

[icy_jade]

No, nothing expensive. Do up a replica with CZ or moissanite? Nothing that you really mind losing.

 

[Bravissimo]

No, nothing expensive. Do up a replica with CZ or moissanite? Nothing that you really mind losing.

This is an excellent idea. She is not a typical memory care patient. Parts of her are still very alive and opinionated. She just cannot learn anything new or recall what she has been told. She cares a great deal what she looks like, although it takes her hours to sort through her clothes and pick out an outfit because standing up is a struggle.

I am having a hard time letting go of the old her and/or figuring out what the new her will be needing.

My father passed 25 years ago and I am an only child. Although the move is necessary, I am struggling with the fact that she is soooo angry at me, probably doesn’t have alot of time left, and I don’t really know what to bring the new her for her new life.

Also I want her not to be so angry at me. I didn’t cause this; I did not feed her those drinks or start her smoking the cigarettes that caused the emphysema. I didn’t even decide she needs 24/7 care.

The elephant in the room is we both wish I was a housewife married to a rich supportive man and in a position to drop everything and care for her full time. Unfortunately, my job is in another state 10 hours away, my boss hates telework and live in care here runs $20,000 a month if you can get it. She doesn’t think she needs that although she does so we’re stuck with what I can afford which is this.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

Im sorry i live a long way away from most of you
i gotta ask
is memory care a new phrase ?
I havn't come across it before

 

[Bravissimo]

@Bravissimo I’m sorry your mom has to move into memory care. It’s hard. My mom isn’t in memory care but in a skilled nursing home. I bought her some jewelry from Amazon. She doesn't know the difference but they’re 10k gold set with inexpensive gems. If she loses them it’s not a big deal. They are really pretty. She has peridot, topaz, a lab emerald ring, etc. She looks pretty but I don’t worry about her losing expensive jewelry. I wouldn’t give your mom her engagement ring. I would get her a CZ to wear.

You are a good daughter!

 

[Bravissimo]

Im sorry i live a long way away from most of you
i gotta ask
is memory care a new phrase ?
I havn't come across it before

It’s a form of assisted living for people who have dementia. They cannot leave the property except with an attendant. Staff are trained and the building is designed to keep them calm and keep them from feeling frustrated. A lot has been done in this particular building to make it less institutional and to take advantage of natural light to prevent sundowning. In addition to room numbers, they have memory boxes outside each apartment where you can put personal memorabilia. Some people might forget a room number but they are less likely to forget familiar images from long ago.

 

[Bravissimo]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, @Bravissimo. It sounds like a very difficult situation for you.

I second what @FL_runner said about not bringing expensive or sentimental jewelry into memory care. Theft can be rampant, I know. And it isn't always the staff. Residents sometimes take from other residents.

Berricle makes some wonderful CZ rings that can look very realistic, you might try that route.

Gentle hugs.

Thanks. Did not know their quality. Appreciate the recommendation.

 

[DutchJackie]

Give her nice costume jewelry. My aunt did the same with Grandma back when that time came. Beaded necklaces, costume rings. She was in the habit of hiding things. The real stuff was with the family. She never asked for her real jewelry, so we always thought she was content with the things she had.

 

[Bron357]

Best to be safe.
Buy some nice costume jewellery, I’d buy 2 pieces the same each, just in case one goes missing.

 

[kgizo]

Also I want her not to be so angry at me.

Please consider that she isn’t angry at you, but is angry at the loss of her independent life and the understanding that she will never get it back. Sadly, many lash out at those who love them them most when angry. I hope I’m not overstepping as this isn’t related to your jewelry question, but you seem to be a loving daughter trying very hard to do your best for your mom. I’m sure she knows that, but can’t see past her feelings of losing her independence right now. Hugs and well wishes for the both of you.

 

[MamaBee]

I wish we had thought of this with mum
my sister felt so mean taking all het jewlery away but the demetia care home could not guarantee its safety and mum was up there wearing her own mother's ER

the only thing i would add @Bravissimo is not too much
unless you or a sibling visit every day no care home worker is going to have time to co-ordinate jewlery to your mom's outfit

My sister raised a stink one day because she went up there and they had mum dressed in clothes that didn't match - it is a dignity issue when you think about it

And im also very sad to hear about your mom's situation
Hopefully she has very good people caring for her and now you can worry just a little less about her as she is safe now

What @victoriangurl96 said is dead right
When my FIL was in demetia care we went up there one day and found a framed picture of someone else's mother beside his bed- we can laugh about it now but it was not at all funny at the time

@Daisys and Diamonds My mom has never matched her jewelry. She wears multiple rings on her different fingers..on each hand…all different colors. She was like that before she went into the nursing home. I think she wears three on each hand. She also doesn’t take them off..She has never cleaned her jewelry either..I have to beg her to let me clean them when I pick her up for a visit. There’s no chance of someone swiping them either because she‘s wearing them. I pity the person who tries..

 

[qubitasaurus]

You could always try making her something for her next birthday -- something moderately priced/nice with either a coloured stone, or just a replica of her wedding band. I'd start with some costume pieces and then graduate her to this nicer piece, sort of as a litmus test.

I'm guessing it'll be lost to be honest but she'll probably still feel happy about the intention. The irreplaceable engagement ring and wedding band with all the sentimental attachment is not a good guinea pig.

How far away from you is this memory care? It'll be easier on both of you if you can visit.

 

[bright&shiny]

Definitely costume or replicas. My grandmother’s pieces were taken when she was in care. After that, my mother began changing things out one piece at a time so she wouldn’t find it too jarring. The most valuable she took “to the jeweler” to be repaired (it was the only way she would let them go). She felt relatively comfortable with that explanation and then forgot they were gone. Mom ‘ brought them back’ (really costume versions) and all was well after that.

Mom was a nurse, and said it was common for pieces to fall off and get lost in the bed linens. Especially as body changes happen. Best all around to find a way for them not to go with her into care. Hugs and best wishes for your mom, you, and your family

 

[Bravissimo]

Please consider that she isn’t angry at you, but is angry at the loss of her independent life and the understanding that she will never get it back. Sadly, many lash out at those who love them them most when angry. I hope I’m not overstepping as this isn’t related to your jewelry question, but you seem to be a loving daughter trying very hard to do your best for your mom. I’m sure she knows that, but can’t see past her feelings of losing her independence right now. Hugs and well wishes for the both of you.

Thank you. Not overstepping. You are right. It’s just hard. All of my empathy neurons are During and I am on high alert because I’ve always felt threatened by her even when she can not hurt me anymore.

The hospital actually called me to tell me they had a duty to violate HIPPA and inform me that she repeatedly and specifically said she would murder me. It’s probably unrealistic. She’s on O2 and can’t move real easily but she’s also paranoid and firearms are easy to obtain in GA so on the off chance she manages to leave AMA, I will need to hightail it out of here. I keep telling myself that’s unlikely.

This is a great place and a much better option than jail or a psychiatric facility would be for her which given how threatening she’s been is likely her next stop.

I am moving her bedroom furniture over so it will feel like home but a studio apt is never going to be her 3000 square foot house. It is so sad seeing how hard this is on her and experiencing all her emoting. The icing on the cake of all this is the hospital gave her COVID and now I have it. I am just laying in bed surfing pricescope and wishing we could stop again if and cognitive decline. Also wishing there was enough money to keep her at home.

 

[yssie]

This is an excellent idea. She is not a typical memory care patient. Parts of her are still very alive and opinionated. She just cannot learn anything new or recall what she has been told. She cares a great deal what she looks like, although it takes her hours to sort through her clothes and pick out an outfit because standing up is a struggle.

I am having a hard time letting go of the old her and/or figuring out what the new her will be needing.

My father passed 25 years ago and I am an only child. Although the move is necessary, I am struggling with the fact that she is soooo angry at me, probably doesn’t have alot of time left, and I don’t really know what to bring the new her for her new life.

Also I want her not to be so angry at me. I didn’t cause this; I did not feed her those drinks or start her smoking the cigarettes that caused the emphysema. I didn’t even decide she needs 24/7 care.

The elephant in the room is we both wish I was a housewife married to a rich supportive man and in a position to drop everything and care for her full time. Unfortunately, my job is in another state 10 hours away, my boss hates telework and live in care here runs $20,000 a month if you can get it. She doesn’t think she needs that although she does so we’re stuck with what I can afford which is this.

I’m so sorry. This - and your last post - sound excruciating, brava to you for doing what’s best for your mum’s needs given the realities of your lives. I think very few of us would be in positions to tame that elephant, emotionally or financially… The threats are a whole different level of frightening and painful. No advice from me, just lots of ::hugs::.

 

[victoriangurl96]

I have a friend whose wonderful, caring mother has dementia through no fault of her own. She put her mother in a memory care facility even though:

-her mother lives in the same town as my friend.
-my friend is retired and has plenty of spare time for caregiving.
-my friend is a former NURSE with lots of eldercare experience.
-my friend lives in a huge house with two spare bedrooms.
-my friend's mother is very wealthy and paying for home health assistance when my friend needed a break from caregiving wouldn't have been a problem.

Oh, and she placed her mother in the facility at the very peak of Covid, when nursing home deaths were skyrocketing.

So try not to feel bad about not bring your mom to live with you. You sound like a great daughter (unlike my friend, unfortunately).

 

[victoriangurl96]

OMG, @Bravissimo. I wrote my above post before I read your latest post.

YOU HAVE NO REASON TO FEEL GUILTY.

PLEASE PROTECT YOURSELF!

 

[Bravissimo]

I have a friend whose wonderful, caring mother has dementia through no fault of her own. She put her mother in a memory care facility even though:

-her mother lives in the same town as my friend.
-my friend is retired and has plenty of spare time for caregiving.
-my friend is a former NURSE with lots of eldercare experience.
-my friend lives in a huge house with two spare bedrooms.
-my friend's mother is very wealthy and paying for home health assistance when my friend needed a break from caregiving wouldn't have been a problem.

Oh, and she placed her mother in the facility at the very peak of Covid, when nursing home deaths were skyrocketing.

So try not to feel bad about not bring your mom to live with you. You sound like a great daughter (unlike my friend, unfortunately).

Thank you for this. I have always felt like a failure for not being wealthy enough to take care of everything. Classic child of an person with an alcohol use disorder. Trying to take care of everything.

 

[seaurchin]

So sorry you are going through all this, Bravissimo.

My feeling is that difficult people feel as awful as we do when having ugly interactions with us, so closer isn't necessarily better for them either, just because you are family.

Of course we all wish we had the Norman Rockwell family but caretakers who have a lighter connection with that difficult person often do better with them imo and the patient is more content with those caretakers as well. (For ex., they probably don't really care if she yells at them). Hopefully, she'll settle in and things will go smoother from there.

Imo I'd try to minimize or sidestep clashes with her. None of this is your fault so a big dose of self-preservation is in order. If possible, maybe her new caretakers can handle the jewelry situation for you. I'm sure they've seen it before. Or, if she's likely to create major drama over the jewelry, if the value isn't terribly high, maybe just let her do it her own way and let it go. Best wishes.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

@Daisys and Diamonds My mom has never matched her jewelry. She wears multiple rings on her different fingers..on each hand…all different colors. She was like that before she went into the nursing home. I think she wears three on each hand. She also doesn’t take them off..She has never cleaned her jewelry either..I have to beg her to let me clean them when I pick her up for a visit. There’s no chance of someone swiping them either because she‘s wearing them. I pity the person who tries..

That's awsome !


(Well not abouy the non cleaning )

 

[FL_runner]

Give her nice costume jewelry. My aunt did the same with Grandma back when that time came. Beaded necklaces, costume rings. She was in the habit of hiding things. The real stuff was with the family. She never asked for her real jewelry, so we always thought she was content with the things she had.

Oh gosh that reminds me my grandma would hide money and jewelry everywhere, like in coat pockets or old shoes or tissue boxes. When we went through her things we had to be so careful we never found some of her jewelry

 

[FL_runner]

So sorry you are going through all this, Bravissimo.

My feeling is that difficult people feel as awful as we do when having ugly interactions with us, so closer isn't necessarily better for them either, just because you are family.

Of course we all wish we had the Norman Rockwell family but caretakers who have a lighter connection with that difficult person often do better with them imo and the patient is more content with those caretakers as well. (For ex., they probably don't really care if she yells at them). Hopefully, she'll settle in and things will go smoother from there.

Imo I'd try to minimize or sidestep clashes with her. None of this is your fault so a big dose of self-preservation is in order. If possible, maybe her new caretakers can handle the jewelry situation for you. I'm sure they've seen it before. Or, if she's likely to create major drama over the jewelry, if the value isn't terribly high, maybe just let her do it her own way and let it go. Best wishes.

Honestly it’s much easier for the healthcare workers. I agree with seaurchin you are doing your absolute best. You didn’t cause her disease process and could not control it, and no matter what you do she will lash out at you. It’s impossible not to take it to heart but try as best you can to detach with love. Being in a good memory care facility will be positive for her as she can be social.

 

[ItsMainelyYou]

You are a good daughter!

My heart goes out to you. It is difficult doing what's best for you and your mother.
And you need you remember, especially when days are hard, so are you.

 

[Crimson]

I think this thread shows what wonderful people there are on Pricescope
Dear @Bravissimo, Your anxiety and fears are normal. It is a period of loss and change for both you and your mother. The fact that you worry about so many details, including jewellery, shows how much you care. Sending you all my best wishes and positive thoughts. Audrey

 

[MamaBee]

@Bravissimo I just purchased these moissanite and 10k yellow gold huggies from Etsy for my mom for Mother’s Day. You can buy a single or pair. I like to buy with an option of being able to purchase a single just in case she loses one. The whole pair with tax was $125..I got her the 8mm huggies so they would fit right up to the earlobe..They won’t catch on her pjs when she takes them off over her head. She’ll also leave them in when she’s sleeping. These are a little thicker than her last pair..but I think they will work. I have another pair that I know work because they are smaller. They are diamond and 14k white gold...but very tiny and thin..She already lost one so I took the remaining one back and replaced the lost one. They were mine anyway..I have charms for them..so I really needed them back. The moissanite ones I just purchased for her are wider and more blingy. I think she’s going to love them.