''Jealousy'' being the end of friendship.....

[Sparkster]

My FI and I are very good friends with another couple (let''s call them John and Mary). FI called Mary and asked if he could meet up with her over a coffee to seek her counsel - she has two children from a previous marriage as does FI and he wanted to seek her advice over some issues he was having with his children. FI told me he was meeting up with Mary and I was fine about it. Mary only told John about the meeting as she was driving to meet FI.

When FI got home from meeting Mary, John called FI and abused him. Saying that no friend of his should be ''doing something like this''. John said that he had no right to meet up with Mary without telling John first. He even said, ''I know my wife, I trust my wife. I think I know you, I think I can trust you.'' FI tried to reason with him but to no avail.

John called me up the next day telling me how wrong it was for them to meet up. I told him I was fine with them meeting up because they are friends and his reply is ''she is not his friend, she is the wife of a friend''. I hit back by saying Mary didn''t need to tell me about the meeting, because it was up to FI to tell me, likewise it was up to Mary to tell him. As he was getting no support from me, he hung up and none of us have spoken to each other since. The stupid thing is that John and I have caught up on occassions without our respective partners being present.

It''s a very sad way to end a friendship. Has anyone else out there had something similar happen to them?

 

[diamondfan]

Not something that specific, but sadly jealousy rears its'' head and her husband seemed to overreact, imho. But, maybe he has reason to be jealous, maybe in the past this has been a problematic issue for them, whereas for you and you FI, it is clearly not. How long have they been married? Is there chance that she has not been totally on the up and up with her hubby and he now is suspicious of HER, not your guy, per se, but with her and her actions...(obviously just a speculation, but worth mentioning!)

 

[portoar]

Wow, I am so sorry to hear about this. It sounds like Mary''s husband isn''t very secure. I''m not sure I have a worthwhile suggestion, but think about whether it would help to send a letter to Mary''s husband, saying something along the lines of you both feel you had a friendship with them as a couple and as individuals. It would never even enter your heads that meeting up individually would be taken the wrong way, and you are sorry he feels that way. Hope that in the future FI''s meeting with Mary will be seen in the true light of friendship and looking for counsel about an issue she has perspective on instead of having nefarious purpose. Say the door is open if they would like to renew the friendship, and reiterate that you are sorry the event cast a pall over a friendship you value.

Maybe it will help . . . maybe not.

 

[fire&ice]

Perhaps the contention lies with the relationship of the children in *their* marriage. Maybe "john" doesn''t want that to be discussed. Might be as simple as that.

 

[allycat0303]

uhmmm...ok. And I thought I was a jealous person...I get a little snarky when girls hit on my boyfriend, but I think this is a little excessive. Since there was no intention on FI and Mary''s part, I think John is REALLY overreacting (like scary overreacting). I think that being friends with this couple might entail a little more drama then you would want to deal with. I''m sure that even if you were to patch things up, there would be tension between the 4 of you, and John would be looking for all sorts of signs to indicate that soemthing was up, so maybe it''s better off walking away from it now. Good luck!

 

[Sparkster]

Date: 7/12/2006 9:03:36 AM
Author: fire&ice
Perhaps the contention lies with the relationship of the children in *their* marriage. Maybe ''john'' doesn''t want that to be discussed. Might be as simple as that.

Not the case here. He doesn''t get along with his stepkids and quite often used to seek our counsel on how we handle being a blended family. His wife''s children have never been a taboo subject and it''s often him that brings up the subject.

 

[Sparkster]

FI and I have walked away from this friendship. If that''s what John really thinks about FI then we can do without friends like that. The sad thing is that we have lost Mary''s friendship. We understand her loyalty is with her husband (even if he is being crazy) and hold no grudges in any way towards her.

What really angers me is that I have often visited him in his showroom (without our respective partners being present) and he has no problems with that - but his wife is not allowed to be alone with another man? What''s good for the goose......

It''s definitely his insecurities that are causing all of this and quite frankly, if we are only allowed to have a ''friendship'' with his wife on ''his'' terms, then he can stick it.