Jealous "Best" Friend

[ljmorgan]

Hi everyone, I am hoping for a little advice from some of you who may have been in my situation already.

My boyfriend and I started seriously looking at engagement rings in February after being together for over a year and a half. We knew that we would get engaged soon and he let me pick it out (ending up have it custom made at Quest jewelers, its due to be done tomorrow!!

) I live with my best friend, we''re roommates, and I told her how my boyfriend was letting me pick the ring. Instead of being excited for me like my other friends, she told me that we were "taking the romance out of it" (by not surprising me with the ring) and that I should back off and let him do it. It hurt my feelings, but I decided to not tell her anything else about our plans. The next week she overhead me on the phone telling someone we had bought the diamond online, and she asked about it. I told her yes we did and I was excited, and she rolled her eyes! So I told her right then and there that it really hurt my feelings how she was acting, and asked her why she was so negative about the whole thing. She burst into tears and told me something about how it was all I ever talked about lately (which I felt wasn''t true, I specifically didn''t tell her anything that we did after that one point.)

The side story is that she''s been dating her boyfriend for 6 months and is already antsy for the proposal. When my boyfriend and I started doing the serious ring shopping, she mentioned it to her boyfriend and he told her that she couldn''t choose, and that she had better not even think about engagement for another year. I know that must have upset her, and I was sensitive to that, but I also know its a good thing because this guy is the worst she has ever dated.

So after that long story... she is still acting the same way. Long ago we had planned for her to be my MOH and so she''s been asking me wedding stuff, but she''s negative towards all of my ideas! I really cannot stand the idea of her dragging down my wedding excitement, especially when all of my other friends are so nice about it. I really don''t think I want her to be my MOH, but I know she would be crushed if I told her I am not going to ask her. Does anyone have any suggestions? What a situation!

 

[SoonIHope]

First, I''m so sorry to hear about this!!! I had a somewhat similar situation with one of my best friends who took news of my not having any bridesmaids (other than a maid of honor) so badly that she yelled at me (in the presence of maid of honor) about how I should have picked her over my best friend/the person who introduced us, on our way out to go dress shopping, where she said, "Ick, that''s hideous" to every dress I tried on. It was a lovely time. I had been feeling really bad about not making her a bridesmaid because I knew she wanted to be one, and was planning to do some sort of honorary bridesmaid title for a few of my close friends, but after the way she behaved I just didn''t want her to be involved at all! Eventually I sucked it up and apologized to her (even though she was the one being a total brat) because I knew how much her feelings were hurt, and now she is able to be happy for me and talk about the wedding a bit, even though it fairly often turns into an "I''ll never get married, I''ll be alone forever" conversation.... As much as it sucks though, I think we need to remember that these people ARE our friends and even if they are lashing out at us unfairly, it''s because they feel hurt by it. Try to make it clear to your friend that if she wants to be your maid of honor, the main role she needs to fulfill is supporting you in your decisions and being happy for you. If she expresses doubt that she can honestly do this, then I think you should ask if maybe it would be easier FOR HER if you had someone else be your maid of honor. I reeeeeeeeeeally was mad at my friend and hated having to be the mature one when she was acting like that, but I think we have to try to take the high road sometimes when people are behaving like babies because their feelings are hurt. If she says she still wants to be your maid of honor, just make it clear to her that she needs to really BE HAPPY AND EXCITED for you, and WANT to talk about the wedding a lot. Another possibility is having co-maid-of-honors and just leaning more on one of your other friends for maid of honor responsibilities without stripping her of her title? I''m not really sure what I''d do in your situation, but I''m sorry you can''t just be 100% excited!

Your ring is going to be coming TOMORROW, I cannot wait to see pictures!!!!!!!

And don''t forget that PS will always be excited about your wedding, so come here if you need to get some well-deserved praise for all your fantastic wedding ideas!

 

[XChick03]

If it was me, I would just straight up tell her how I felt. Just say you really want(ed) her to be your MOH, but the way she's been acting has made you upset and if she doesn't stop being so negative, you don't want her to be apart of your special day because she's ruining your excitement.

ETA don't forget the ring pictures!!!

 

[FireGoddess]

That green monster seems to rear its ugly head a lot, and that clearly appears to be what's going on here. She can't seem to look past her own pain to be happy for you - and that's the sad thing here. If she were truly your best friend, she should realize that her situation has NOTHING to do with yours and that she should be happy for you and BE there for you during this time of your life, and not be raining on your parade.

It was very good that you told her that her actions were upsetting and hurtful to you. If she asks again about the wedding and the MOH stuff, you should be frank with her and tell her that you love her but if she can't separate the situations and truly be happy for you, how can she be your MOH? That person is supposed to stand up for you at the wedding and has LOTS of responsibilities, not only on the wedding day. You don't need the added hassle of having that person be a wet blanket instead of a support to you! You need to be very careful with this. At this point she may want to be in the wedding party because it is some of the spotlight and she may hope her BF changes his mind once he 'sees her in the wedding' or something. That's far fetched, but it's a possibility. Good luck.

 

[sosst7]

Ljmorgan,

I am sorry to hear that your best friend is not being supportive and happy for you. It seems obvious that she is jealous of your relationship and instead of communicating her feelings in a positive way, she is being negative about it. Marriage is a huge milestone in many of our lives and we cannot help but to talk about it, especially amongst friends. It is no different than when we were in high school and were looking for colleges or purchasing a home - it''s a HUGE step. So don''t feel bad about talking about your wedding, that is your day and you are entitled IMO.

About her being your MOH, I would sit down and tell her that I was having second thoughts about her being my MOH and explain the reasons why. Hopefully, she will see that she has been acting like a brat and adjust her attitude. If not, I would pick someone else. i don''t mean to be harsh but it all comes down to this, it''s your wedding and your day. You should be able to have things done the way you want them. Good luck with the situation and keep us updated!

 

[Caribou]

First off CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!

Don''t foget to post pictures when you offically have it...or before if you can.

I have to admit, when my best girlfriend/roommate got engaged a few years ago, I wasn''t exactly thrilled...I was totally happy for her and I love her now husband BUT I had just gone through a horrible break up and I wanted everyone to be as miserable as me.

However, I didn''t (as least I don''t think I did) make any nasty comments or roll my eyes at her I just didn''t really get too involved in the whole process. Which I feel really guilty about but at the time I had to deal with what I had to take care of myself first. I apologized to her and she said she understood, but I still feel guilty especially since she''s my MOH and the reason why I met my future husband.

Saying all of this, I''m not at all defending your friends behavior, she should take that old saying (and I''m sure we''ve all heard it once or twice from our parents) ''if you have nothing nice to say don''t say anything at all'' and use it. I think you should tell her how you really feel (again) and tell her how it''s affecting you decision of her being your MOH. You should also tell her that 6 months is not that long to be dating someone and maybe she should just have fun in the relationship (if she even is, you mentioned he''s not nice). I mean sometimes it happens, my FI and I started talking about marriage 5 months after we started dating and got engaged after 10 months, but that''s not the way it always works. She''s being really seflish (as was I when I acted that way) and should set her feelings aside and be there for you.

 

[chickflick]

Ah, why can''t friends just be happy for you??!!!

One of my best friends has been with her guy for a year longer than I''ve been with Jim and no ring in sight. I know it has to sting a bit but she''s been just wonderful about sharing in my joy and I couldn''t ask for more of a friend.

You deserve the same and need to discuss it with her again. Her jealousy is impacting your happiness and that''s not fair. If the tables were turned you''d be truly supportive of her and I''m sure she knows that. Your friend is being driven be selfishness and just needs to wait her turn.

Hope that helps! Hang in there, sweetie, and DON''T let it get to you too much!

 

[ljmorgan]

Thanks so much for all of your advice. I know that I need to be sympathetic and yet be up front with her as well -- sometimes it is so hard acting like an adult!

 

[zhuzhu]

Hi *Lindsey*,

I just want you to know that you are not alone. When I first told 2 of my BMs, whom I am classmates/friends with since 4th grade (but have not lived near each other since high school); one was very indifferent and cold about it. The other was cynical and said things like "why? I would think twice about marrying someone you know for such short time". My feeling was really hurt and I know I can not risk making one of them my MOH even though I wanted to. I knew they are both having a difficult time in their personal life (one has been single for years, the other constantly has problem with her "boyfriend in denial") so I broke my news to them as gently as possible. Apparently they are not able to share other's joy (for right now) and there is nothing I can do about it.

I am still going to ask them to be in my wedding party, but MOH is prob. out of question. So you are not alone, sometimes our friends just can not be happy for others if they themselves are unhappy.

 

[amyg]

Just wanted to offer this, 10 years ago when my BF got engaged, I was very happy for her, but there was definitely a part of me that was scared, because we had been BF''s for 5 years already, and Iknew the relationship was going to change and really it already had, and she would be moving on into a totally new phase of life that I would not be in, and I was afraid of being left behind for other married friends, but alas, 10 years later she is still my BF, and we have gone through many life changing situations together, and are even closer for it...and now that''s it''s finally my turn, she is there for me and will stand up with me just the way I stood up for her, and hopefully she''ll be there when my babies are born the same as I was for her. I''m sure your friend is probably going through something similar to what I went through, you definitely need to talk to her and tell her how you feel, and maybe reassure her that you''re still going to need a BF, probably even more so, and no it won''t be the same as it always has been, but it can really be a lot better!!!

 

[squarediamondlove]

Lindsey,

I don't know what it is about weddings that gets some girlfriends to get mood swings, but I know exactly what you mean.

You have to realize, as I have recently found out myself, that this is a common situation brides are in. I had and still kind of have a similar problem to you with 2 girls I am close to. I think its hard for some girl friends to take the news of engagement and marriage when they themselves are not on that path or want to be on that path and aren't. I'm sure everyone has their reasons for being down about it - the usual reasons I came across is (1) jealousy, or (2) the fear of loosing a strong friend b/c a lot of your attention will go to wedding planning and building your relationship with your FI, or (3) feeling left out because they think that now you are going to gravitate to couples or married couples and conversations will revolve about the wedding. Given that you have been living together, I think she just fears that your friendship may not be the same or as close anymore. Also she may feel like you will have less in common b/c you are getting married and she is not - so in a way you will be at different points in your life.

My advice to you is two part. First, try and sympathize with your friend and tell her that you understand why she is freaking out, since she feels that your friendship may not be the same anymore. Tell her, however, that it doesn't have to be that way. Sure some things will change, but not as much as she probably thinks they will. Give her a bit more attention so she can realize that you arn't going away anywhere. Second, I would really sit down and tell her what your concerns are - tell her that you want her to be your MOH but her recent actions have got you concerned about whether she will bring negativty at a time that is very important in your life. Make her understand that the last person you want or should get negativity from is your best friend/MOH. Explain what her role as a MOH would entail (being supportive of the bride by doing things for you or just supporting you psychologically [so no negativism], put together a bridal shower, go and look for wedding dresses and etc.) and make sure that she would really take this responsibility seriously. You want to know now as opposed to later whether she will handle her responsibilities and you want to tell her now exactly what you expect of her to make sure she will do it!

Most importantly, really think twice before choosing who should be your bridesmaid and your MOH. I know my mistake was making my decision too soon and not explaining to everyone what their responsibilites were, even though I waited 4 months before deciding. You have a lot of time to think about it before you look for bridesmaid dresses so take it. Negativity I think is the most important reason not to put someone in the bridal party. The last thing that you want during your wedding planning and especially on your wedding day is to hear negative comments.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

As horrible as it sounds there are a lot of people out there that do not like to hear about the good things happening in your life. I know many people like this that just LOVE hearing gossip about bad things but seem to shut down when they hear the good things which is really sad. I think it is jealously and it makes them examine their own lives. Unfortunately I would hope your best friend would not be like this. I KNOW how hard it is waiting for a ring but 6 months, come on! What is the rush? My best advice would be to ignore her negative comments or tell her how you feel. Maybe she doesn''t realize how horrible she is acting.

 

[selflove]

First thing, you don''t have to make any quick decisions about who is your maid of honor. Take some time, see how this situation progresses, mull over your thoughts and feelings.

My second thought on this is: a true friend would be happy for you, no matter what. Maybe she is not as true of a friend as you think. Just something to think about.

Third, it sounds like you have a lot of other great girlfriends to support you in the MOH role if you do ultimately decide not to choose her.

I chose my MOH right away, right after we set a date (about 1 year before the wedding). But I didn''t choose to have bridesmaids until about 7 months before the wedding. I asked my two closest girlfriends in the city where I now live and that was plenty of time to plan for the attire, events, etc.

So don''t be in a rush to make a decision about this yet...wait until you get closer to setting a date and then know that you still have some time to make the choice. Choose carefully!!

 

[gailrmv]

Maybe she is also thinking of the impact on her situation: You will be moving out, she will have to find a new roomate, her best friend will be married and she won''t be able to talk to you as much or hang out as much and this has got her bummed out. Maybe subconsciously she thinks being negative about the wedding will keep things from changing in her world.
Also, maybe for some reason, she does not care for your future fiance? Just like you don''t care for the guy she is dating? Just a thought, obviously I have no way to know!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 4/13/2006 9:08:57 PM
Author: selflove
a true friend would be happy for you, no matter what. Maybe she is not as true of a friend as you think. Just something to think about.

I dunno about this. IMHO it's more complicated than being a "true friend" or not and I say that as nearly the LAST of my friends and 3rd of 4 sisters to get engaged. I had a VERY hard time a couple of times when engagments or weddings came up ... but I don't think it meant I wasn't a "true friend" or "good sister" because I acted badly a few times. You can be a "true friend" and have faults and bad behavior at times -- we're all human, ya know! And I was very happy for THEM ... but feeling badly for myself/scared/lonely/left out (not jealous so much really, as I didn't really want to be married at the time ... but I was terrified of losing my sassy "single" girlfriends & being left behind with no one to go through "dating" with). A couple of times I had doubts about the fellas/situations too - but couldn't say anything - so I might have "acted out" a little. It wasn't right - I'm not at all proud of it - but I do want to just say, have compassion for your friends. Don't take any negativity PERSONALLY. Let them know if they hurt your feelings, but don't judge your entire friendship & relationship based on this short period of time. People react differently ...

Am I the only one who ever WAS the misbehaving friend? C'mon honest ladies, I'd guess not.


ETA: I'm NOT however suggesting you make the wayward pal your MOH! I've actually NEVER been MOH because the friends/sisters KNEW I was - ahem - not emotionally "together" enough to be that selfless while going through my own stuff! I was not offended in the least -- relieved actually! And have been a
bridesmaid four times with no trouble ... but MOH? I think there should be a law that only MARRIED friends can do that job. MAID OF HONOR should be retired.

 

[firebirdgold]

Does your fiancé have a sister? Do you have a sister? IMO, sisters are a great excuse when it comes to bridesmaids and MOH''s. After all, you have to make your fsil your MOH to keep peace in your future family! Right??

 

[Blenheim]

As someone who''s about to graduate from college and has seen your threads in the LIW forum, there''s one more thing that I''d like to add. You said that you''re about to finish up school. Both of us and your roommate, are about to go through immense changes. Graduation is kind of scary. You''re leaving an established group of friends. Many parents help financially through graduation, and it''s a little daunting to think that you''re going to have to take the education that you just got and apply it somehow to earn your own income and support yourself. Not all seniors have job offers yet, which can be pretty stressful. You''re probably about to move, possibly even cross-country or further. Your roommate might not know if she and her boyfriend are moving to the same area after graduation yet, and if their relationship will withstand the change. Meanwhile, you have at least one thing settled about your future. You have a boyfriend who is about to propose. Especially if this is something that she wants for herself, she could be taking out some frustrations on you perhaps without even realizing it.

If your roommate isn''t graduating this May (as I''m assuming), she''s still about to lose you. Others have talked about the emotions that can result from this realization.

 

[Dodger Gurl]

omigosh! Let me warn you right now to choose very, very, very carefully! I was in the same boat as you. If you really don''t think she will be able to set aside her own issues I would not ask her. The reason is if you do, she might say yes out of obligation even though she really probably would be miserable for the next year, dealing with her own issues plus trying to be happy for you. I guess you have to decide - which do you think would harm your friendship the most / which would you be better able to handle - your feelings constantly getting hurt and having a wet towel MOH for the next year or her feelings getting hurt once by not asking her? It''s a touch choice, but weddings bring out weird things in people because it is a big change, not only for you but for everyone. So my advice is - choose very very carefully!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Caribou]

Date: 4/15/2006 1:45:47 AM
Author: decodelighted


I dunno about this. IMHO it's more complicated than being a 'true friend' or not and I say that as nearly the LAST of my friends and 3rd of 4 sisters to get engaged. I had a VERY hard time a couple of times when engagments or weddings came up ... but I don't think it meant I wasn't a 'true friend' or 'good sister' because I acted badly a few times. You can be a 'true friend' and have faults and bad behavior at times -- we're all human, ya know! And I was very happy for THEM ... but feeling badly for myself/scared/lonely/left out (not jealous so much really, as I didn't really want to be married at the time ... but I was terrified of losing my sassy 'single' girlfriends & being left behind with no one to go through 'dating' with). A couple of times I had doubts about the fellas/situations too - but couldn't say anything - so I might have 'acted out' a little. It wasn't right - I'm not at all proud of it - but I do want to just say, have compassion for your friends. Don't take any negativity PERSONALLY. Let them know if they hurt your feelings, but don't judge your entire friendship & relationship based on this short period of time. People react differently ...

Am I the only one who ever WAS the misbehaving friend? C'mon honest ladies, I'd guess not.


ETA: I'm NOT however suggesting you make the wayward pal your MOH! I've actually NEVER been MOH because the friends/sisters KNEW I was - ahem - not emotionally 'together' enough to be that selfless while going through my own stuff! I was not offended in the least -- relieved actually! And have been a
bridesmaid four times with no trouble ... but MOH? I think there should be a law that only MARRIED friends can do that job. MAID OF HONOR should be retired.

Me!!! *raising hand* I was 'that friend' and I agree with you Deco, it doesn't have anything to do with you as a friend.

Brides need to remember that while this day is important to a whole lot of people, the person who it's most important to is YOU (the bride) and the groom. Sometimes Brides, forget that this is something about them and that the things going on in other people's lives still go on, despite the happy news. When my friend got engaged, it didn't make my breakup any less hard to go through..I didn't wake up and think 'wow J is getting married, all my problems have gone away...YIPEEE'.

Saying that, I'm not defending your MOH's reaction and I think you should really think hard about whether you want her to be in your wedding especially as a MOH. This should be exciting days for you and you want someone who will be excited for you, not bring you down. So choose wisely.

ETA: Seems I have repeated myself somewhat. Sorry!

 

[meepcat]

Hm. How old are these friends of your''s? Not that age should have to be the factor, but they certainly seem selfish and inexperienced.

Jealousy is not your problem, it''s her''s. Don''t make it your problem. Don''t also complicate the problem by relying on her. In fact, just be friends, but distance yourself from her on the wedding topic for awhile. Otherwise, prepare to suffer as you get closer to your day, AND realize that it''s entirely unnecessary.

Your true friends are those who will embrace you with understanding and forgiveness. If she can''t be understanding, and put her own selfish interests aside, she can''t be the friend you need in a MOH. She will be biased, negative, and only spread her energies to other people in your wedding party.

Give her the space she needs to figure out what her problems are, and go on with planning what you''ve been anticipating!