I''ve started a war...against myself!!!

[So_happy]

I need to vent ladies.

I changed my bm dress options this morning from 25 one-piece dresses + the separates from alfred angelo to ONLY the separates (and I chose the skirt because it was the only one with organza overlay like my wedding gown). The deadline to order is Feb 20 and as of late last night NO ONE had picked a dress and TWO hadn''t even gone looking once so I figured if I were to change, I had to do it before this weekend in case anyone was planning on going dress-looking THIS weekend.

Boy did I get passively agreesivly KILLED!!! Apparently they all called my MOH/sister and completely layed it on her about how indesicive I am and how I pulled the rug right from under them!!!! My sis calle ME to tell me all this and my stomach just plummeted to my feet. It''s a terrrible feeling to have your best women friends all pissed and talking behind your back. (I think the worst of it is I have a nagging feeling that my sis agrees with them and might have fueled rather than minimzied the fire). My sis called me and very sternly told me that, while she does not like my choice and niether does any of the ohers. Altho, she buffered that with a "but I''ll do whatever you want, it''s YOUR wedding" kinda coment........in that mean little tone she has. Then she promptly says I need to deal with the fiasco and then she told me don''t call her until after 9pm from now on because her minutes are limited on her cell phone

OMG I was so sad!! So I proceeded to call each of them. B said she actually LIKED my choice of skirt and she already knows which top she''ll get so she wasn''t angry at all. I felt so relived at least one was not angry with me. Just yesterday, J asked me specifically to just choose for her and I had in fact chosen the organza skirt with a pretty halter top ensemble so she most certainly couldn''t be pissed as my change doesn''t change her outfit in the slightest. I called L and she answered with her typical (I''m pissed at you) tone and I asked her if we could arrange a time this evening to chat about a few things when she wasnt'' busy. L said ''yes'' so that convo has yet to occur. And E, I hear from sis, is LIVID but she will NOT pick up my phone calls and I keep texting her to call me but she won''t. Instead, she''s telling my sister to tell me that she''ll call me later!!!!! Besides B, the others are ALL 30-38 yrs old here!!!!!

So, I wrote a very nice email to them since I apparently can NOT talk to ANY of them and I''m just so bummed about all this! I totally didn''t aim to piss them all off.......two (the two who are most angry btw) hadn''t even gone shopping yet at all!!!!!, 1 already had hers picked out by me, and the other two were going to do another round of shoppping together tomorrow!!!........I thought this would be okay.

And I didnt'' completely change thier options.........I just removed some of them. I kept the separates thing. I did choose a skirt tho but it''s aline so that certainly should offend anyone.

I am SO upset right now. I''m mostly sad that I''ve pissed them off so much but I''m also suprised they felt so much about thier NON choices before (they HADN''T chosen for cripessakes!!!). I''m also frustrated because under the circumstances, I wanted them to understand and be my friends and be grascious about it all. I didnt'' choose to make their life hell......and I really didn''t........but they are so acting like it......but I changed my WEDDING GOWN........that changed the design of the wedding a bit!!!!!!!!! What am I supposed to do if the design and overall feel is important to me?????

I''m sure I was wrong to change like this. I''m sure they are right to some extent. Perhaps they had mentally planned on the dresses they were going to try on and now this is causing them to have to re-think it all. I''m trying to be as accomodating as I can by choosing the separates line in one color.........they are not beign forced to wear a putrid color or dress......they get to pick half the style!!!!! And I made SURE to pick a line that with a little resourcefullness could be purchased for $150 or under ($130 in most cases!!).

Since they either won''t answer my calls or are otherwise busy, I emailed them and explained my decision (which I did in the email this morning, too, but it was more focussed on teh details of the change than on justification) and I hope that helps them see I didn''t do this to be an evil bride. I will give them more time if they need it (but, honestly, some havn''t even gone YET so that can''t even be an issue) but no one has talked to me yet as of that convo with my sis earlier this afternoon.

I am so sorry to vent. In the long run, after the dress drama is over (I HATE the dress drama) I hope us 5 can move on to more fun things....but right now I''m trying like hell to examine my decision and be prepared to admitt where I was wrong and also to be able to stand up for myself a little too.

If you were my bridesmaids, would you also be pissed? Please be honest and tell me why??? Because I"m not getting the "whys" from them right now. Is it the time factor when you havn''t even gone looking yet? I can fix that by giving more time. But, if I gave more time, would you feel better..........or is there something else in there not being said???? I thought about changing BACK to my original range of options but, honestly, I don''t want to because I really want the organza skirt......I think the shininess of the satin clung to some of them in a funny way....I like the idea that organza flows more (it has a satin underskirt for stablity) AND my own gown has organza.......

Thank you for "listening". It''s so crazy that a lilac bm dress could cause this much drama between friends

 

[larussel03]

Aw, hun I''m so sorry for you. I changed my mind alot, but only 3 of my girls went one time to look at a dress, and I just kept sending them pictures, so I think that''s kind of why they didnt get mad at my indecision...we just all picked together one day when I was home.

I think alot of the madness has to do with group mentality. There was probably one that was mad and one that was kinda pissed and then they fed off each other and got everyone else riled up. I can kind of see thier point why they''re mad, but on the other hand, it really shouldn''t make that much of a difference.

I think that this problem occurs when we brides try to cater too much to the bridesmaids, then change our minds, or get fussy about the dress when if we had just chosen it and said that''s it for everyone, no choices (within reason, not something horrible) it''d be easier b/c they wouldn''t think about it so much. The problem really lies in when they start thinking about it alot.

I''m sure you can smooth everything over with them. If I were you, I''d tell them, ok let''s get whoever we can together and just pick one out together and have that be that.

 

[FireGoddess]

Sheesh! Yes, the deadline for dress picking is imminent. But if they all hadn''t gone out to try the dresses on and pick what they want yet, who cares?!?! It''d be one thing if they had each trekked over, tried on all the options, and had already picked the dresses. Then with a week left, I might be miffed the options had changed (if I could no longer pick the option I had already picked). But if I hadn''t gone to try them on or hadn''t picked yet, what''s the big frickin deal? Particularly since all you did was eliminate some of the 25 options!!! And can I say, WOW are these ladies acting a big immature!! Ignoring your phone calls and telling you not to call until after 9 pm?

Weekends are free minutes too...

 

[Officers girl]

Wow im sorry! That seems so stupid to go complain to everyone behind you back?? Really high school of them. I hope the fire gets lit under them and they get out an order!

 

[Pandora II]

Too much choice is always dangerous I think!

BUT,

if I was a BM I would be out trying on dresses or at least choosing online the day you sent me the selection - but then any excuse to buy a new dress is great in my book.

Is your sister a bit jealous - or one of the other girls? I think you''re right that it''s one stirring rather than them all being annoyed. Before they are bought you have every right to change your mind IMHO.

 

[So_happy]

Sweatpea~ I am now seeing that I did try to cater so much that when I chose the dresses, I pretty much made a non-decision (lol). Y''know the kind where you can''t decide so you just say "I''ll take all of them!"?? B said she hates halter tops, W tells me she hates two-piece dresses, L and E say they won''t wear pink or anything strapless due to thier chests and J pretty much has always preferred me telling her what to wear. So when I picked what I did, I escaped (for those blissful 3 months anyway) upsetting anyone. Initially, I was going to go with the 2-piece option only but my MOH was the one who hated two-piecers so........... I just threw it all together

. Now that my "vision" of my wedding is becoming clearer, I have morphed alot.......and the bride I was 3 months ago has been taken over by ME

Once I figured out my flowers and my colors and I found MY wedding gown......my vision is stronger and I''m very passionate about it. It''s not that I won''t waffle on a few decisions....but I''m just saying that basically I did cater to them before because I really didn''t have a vision to guide me anyway

Firegoddess & Officers girl~ That''s what I''m saying!!! They hadn''t made decisions yet!!! Well, to be fair, my sister/moh did find one style she liked but and that was a month ago and since then when I prod her about dress shopping (cuz she said she wanted to keep looking) she says "If I don''t find anything else I like, I guess I''ll get that one with the bow." Okay...so she half found a dress. I give her that. But my take on it was that it wasn''t an earth shattering choice (are bm dresses usually THAT earth shattering??...in a good way??) and since she was going again this weekend, I figured I had better catch her now, y''know. And yes, the not calling me/ignoring my calls thing IS immature. Especially when it can''t be about minutes/time etc when they ARE calling my sis/moh to complain about this!!!

Pandora~ I gave Waaaaaaaaaaaaay too many choices. I see that now. I think I''ll go revive that thead someone put up a week ago about "what did you learn" and post this for future brides. I say if you want to be passionate about your choice, you should have a very firm idea of what your vision is first. I am having a 10-month engagement and I know others have done it in less, but if I had had a 12 month engagement, I can''t help but think that I would''ve had those first 2 or 3 months to let my "bridalness" kick in...make more decisions that were right the first time around....and still give the girls 2 months to find a dress

I don''t know what to think about my sister......she''s going thru alot financially right now and her car doesn''t run well so she''s not real into coming up here (I''m 1.5 hrs away) to help me with my gown or trying on veils and things like that. But in another phone call, she''ll mention how she''s going to go drive up to visit her friend in Maine (4 hrs away) or how she''s going out drinking with her friends on some such night. I don''t call her on it because I don''t want to beg for anyone''s time. If they don''t WANT to do it then I''d be better going alone. I keep trying tho. I ask her usually very casually "hey, I want to go look for a veil (or whatever) next week......are you free on monday or thursday...i''d love for this to be something we do together?" and she''ll give one or both of the reasons above. I don''t know what to make of it but I do know it doesn''t feel good to feel her rejecting me. I usually respond very lightly so as to not tip my hat that i''m hurt and either go alone or grab a friend (non bm) from school to go. I figure I must be romanticizing the whole sister shopping for wedding stuff together thing and need to get over it

. Not that all things are or should be reciprocal, but when she gets married I can not WAIT to go shopping with my baby sister and see her all beautifed up in wedding gowns and veils!!! I''d bring a camera and take dozens of pics, send them out to mom that night, and probably even shed a tear or two seeing her all grown up and getting married

I must say, you''ve caused me to pause a bit more than I have recently to ponder this possiblity of her being jealous......

 

[So_happy]

I meant to post this earlier, but that loooooooooong post just before this one made me forget!! lol

I got to speak on the phone with L tonight and when I had explained my side and how I could see how she''d be angry but how I really just needed to change the style a little......she gave me exactly what I needed.........support

I was so relieved, I started crying!!! over a dang dress and drama!!! She told me she plans on going Saturday to look at the separates and that she is sure she''ll find something she loves Thank you, L!!!!! Now if only I can speak to E.....she still hasn''t called me back.

I just want to reiterate how terrible it was to be pretty much cut off from them like that for what seemed an eternity. This has never happened to me in my entire life....no one has ever given me the silent treatment.......much less ALL my best friends (and sister) at once

Now that all but 1 have "come around", I am starting to feel as if what they did was a little like emotional terrorism!! And it worked as evident by the crying when L started being more human again

 

[bee*]

Glad to see that you sorted things out with L. Hopefully things will be ok with B soon. Tbh, I dont see what their problem is. They still have over a week to look at dresses and if they hadn''t already decided on one, then I cant understand why they''re upset. It seems like they''re jealous in my opinion.

 

[larussel03]

Maybe you can all go together and then do what I did --I had 4 of my 6 bms (the only ones available, the other 2 didn''t care though) go into the store, and we pulled EVERYTHING they liked. It ended up being 16 dresses. Then what we did is we had them start trying them on. If one liked it on her, we''d put it in the keep pile and if they didn''t we put it right back. Anything in the Keep pile got tried on by all of the girls. That''s how we narrowed it down in the end to 2 dresses and then I just picked the one I liked better of the 2.

 

[So_happy]

Date: 2/10/2007 10:51:27 AM
Author: *~Sweetpea~*
Maybe you can all go together and then do what I did --I had 4 of my 6 bms (the only ones available, the other 2 didn''t care though) go into the store, and we pulled EVERYTHING they liked. It ended up being 16 dresses. Then what we did is we had them start trying them on. If one liked it on her, we''d put it in the keep pile and if they didn''t we put it right back. Anything in the Keep pile got tried on by all of the girls. That''s how we narrowed it down in the end to 2 dresses and then I just picked the one I liked better of the 2.

Wow, Sweetpea!! How organized and fair They must have loved that because they felt apart of the decision process. Additionally, they probably ended up respecting the final decision more because they had been personally witness to how difficult it is to make everyone happy!! Ha ha....if I ever plan another wedding.......I''m using this!!! I think what you gave them was called "Empathy Training" lol.

As of this moment, I still have not heard from E at all. I want to call her again but I''ve already left 3 voice mesages and 2 text messages for her to please call me so I think the ball is in her court now. I know she knows I want to talk to her, too, as evidenced by my sis telling me E will call me...what was last night. Lovin the silent treatment!!!! I''m terrible with this!!

 

[xiuying]

Sweetpea,
That is such a fantastic idea! I''d love to do that with my sisters (two of my bridesmaids)... hopefully they''ll find something they both like, which may be difficult, since they have polar opposite tastes

So_happy,
I''m curious... was E one of the ones that had chosen her dress yet or hadn''t gone out? If she''s in the latter catagory, I honestly think she''s being quite tacky. It''s supposed to be an honor to be in a friend''s wedding as a BM! Grrr... sorry, I don''t post often, but E''s behavior kind of rubs me the wrong way.

 

[So_happy]

Date: 2/10/2007 3:59:46 PM
Author: xiuying
Sweetpea,
That is such a fantastic idea! I''d love to do that with my sisters (two of my bridesmaids)... hopefully they''ll find something they both like, which may be difficult, since they have polar opposite tastes

So_happy,
I''m curious... was E one of the ones that had chosen her dress yet or hadn''t gone out? If she''s in the latter catagory, I honestly think she''s being quite tacky. It''s supposed to be an honor to be in a friend''s wedding as a BM! Grrr... sorry, I don''t post often, but E''s behavior kind of rubs me the wrong way.

Well, the thing with E goes a little like this: We live 2 hrs apart from eachother and so her and I planned to meet eachother half way at a shop that carries AA gowns and have a girl day looking for dresses for her and then lunch or dinner. The first time we scheduled our day, she canceled the day before because she forgot she had to do something, she said. Fine, so we rescheduled......for a week later. And, again, she called (the morning OF this time) and canceled again....because she was sick and could we "just go tomorrow instead". (!!) I did not have the notice I needed to do that so I said "well, since you are apparently available, since you just asked me to go with you, how about you go visit these two stores (i did a zip code search so the stores were about 10 mins or so from her house) without me instead?". She said she would. But didn''t. I called the next day, found out she didn''t, and she told me she''d go the following sunday instead. Again, I try to be understanding, and say "okay....let me know how it goes then". No call from her on Monday so I call Tuesady. No answer. Wednesday and Thursday...No answer again. Which by then I pretty much figured had she FINALLY gone, and knowing how hard I tried to get together with her, that she''d CALL ME and let me know how the dress shopping went!!!! So that Thursdday night, I ended up thinking hard about everything and how I figured if no one has gone looking anyway, then if I want to change, then NOW is the time!!!

And I posted that change yesterday. Friday. 5 days AFTER not hearing a peep from my no-show friend.

Now I hear, from W and L that E HAD in fact gone shopping on Wednesday and found a dress she liked!!!!!!!!!!! And that is probably why she is so upset. But I had no way of knowing!! If someone gives you silence as a response....I feel I can interpret that any way I possible can! What else CAN I do with silence?? So while she DID go shopping and I''m so happy she did finally, she totally didn''t keep in touch with me (which I totally deserved in light of how often I was making "dates" with her and calling her etc).

So, unbeknownst to me yesterday, she WAS the one who had picked a dress. And that''s why I want to talk to her.....hell if she is completely in LOVE with this dress I have half a mind to let it go and let her keep this one!!! (only half a mind...mind you.....I still think she shouldn''t be THIS angry over it........she can''t think I didin''t try to keep in touch with her).

So, her and I need some time on the phone to TALK about this, give me a chance to empathize with her and offer compromises if needed and SHE needs to hear my VOICE tell her why I had to do what I chose to do.

 

[So_happy]

ps. I think she also has leftover anger from me not letting her bring a guest for her guest!!!!! I''m wondering if, in her mind, this dress thing is just a last straw or something. That actualy helps explain what to me seems like disproportionate anger to the dress situation.