I''ve got engagement fever. And I''ve got it BAD.

[SparkleIllinois]

I don''t know where I got it but I''m worried that its going to kill me

Backstory: I''m older than my boyfriend, met him in college and was dating someone else at the time. He was obnoxiously persistant and within weeks we were inseparable. SO much so that we moved in together temporarily after dating 2 months. I was fresh out of college and he was still in school so I moved across the country for a job (we stayed together), moved back home (we stayed together) moved to the city for another job (we stayed together) and finally after being together for 3 years we moved in together permanently. Let me say that during the entire relationship thus far I have been the reluctant one. I''m a party girl, I love my friends and have been plagued by moments of doubt because I couldn''t understand how it would be possible to be a wife and still maintain the same relationship with them. I''ve known how much I love my boyfriend and that I couldn''t be without him this whole time but I''ve always just been so turned off by the idea of being MARRIED and settling down.

Until about 4 months ago. I have no idea what happened but now I literally cannot STOP thinking about it. After about 2.5 years of dating we stopped using the "IF we get marrieds" and started using the "WHEN we get marrieds". I''m at the age (25) where just about every one of my coupled friends is getting engaged and planning a wedding. Where I used to cringe at the thought, now I am basically salivating at the idea! I take anything and turn it into a clue that ITS GONNA HAPPEN SOON. My boyfriend has never been able to surprise me with a gift in his life, a fact that he is very ashamed about. He gets too excited and accidentally lets a clue or 2 slip. So for some reason I am under the impression that he will NOT be letting any clues slip about an engagement, therefore I''ve somehow allowed myself to believe the more nothing happens... the more change that something is DEFINITELY GOING to happen. I just read that back to myself and it is obvious this fever is melting my brain.

Last I heard he had $7k in his savings account. When I first caught e fever I noticed that he was very tight lipped about how much money he has now. Occasionally after a few drinks he has said things like "We''re almost married!" to which I always jokingly reply "with what ring, moneybags!?!" Twice he has gotten this goofy look on his face and proclaimed "I''ve been saving!!" We were supposed to merge to one bank account in October but he keeps "forgetting" about it. This leads my fever induced hysterical thinking to ponder if he doesn''t want me to see when he buys the ring. 2 months ago I suggested a trip to Europe in the spring (something we have previously discussed for a honeymoon) and he said "Well what if we''re engaged by then?" to which I STUPIDLY and reflexively said "We probably won''t be" I AM KICKING MYSELF SO HARD FOR THAT RIGHT NOW. AND about 6 weeks ago I was on his computer (we have separate comps at home) and I noticed 2 things. One was that he had been to www.tiffany.com. Not a huge deal, because he bought me a silver tiffany ring for Christmas last year. AND he had a word document that said "platinum, solitaire, 1-3 carats" I have NO idea what that is about because I never said anything about that so he must have been reading something online somewhere! But the rain on the parade is that the document was created.....1.5 years ago

So now... I wait. Crazed with the fever. Fueled by daydreams of the proposal that I never thought I wanted until now.I''m officially placing the "Lady in Waiting" crown upon my head. It burns.

 

[anchor31]

Oh my. I remember all too well being in that place a year ago! I remember how crazy I would get, the daydreaming, the ring hunting, the frustration! Maybe you could ask him if he has a timeframe in mind next time he mentions it? That''s what I did, and we were engaged 7 months later.

Welcome to PS! You''ve definitely found the right place to get help with the waiting and to learn more about diamonds. It''s a good idea to lure your man in here too...

 

[eleguin]

I had the same fever earlier this year when it became apparent that he was seriously looking at rings and saving. He kept asking me questions and when I wasn''t understanding what he was asking, he came right out and said: "so...I''m going to go with sidestones." He said that in February and starting then, it was all I could think about! The proposal didn''t come until 3 months later, but the waiting drove me nuts, especially during finals!

I think that if you''re not sure whether a proposal is coming at all (versus just not knowing when it''s coming), you can bring it up with your boyfriend. Does he know that you''re now receptive to the idea of getting married? Maybe he had been holding back from proposing because you were so against marriage. If you let him know that you''re more open to the idea, it might move things along much quicker. Good luck and hope you get engaged soon!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Yeah, I agree that he may have no clue that you really WANT to get engaged and married. It sounds like he was dropping good hints and he may think you weren''t really interested. I''d make sure you say something that makes it clear you are ready to settle down.

 

[SparkleIllinois]

Thanks for the support guys!
I''m just trying to figure out how to drop hints without getting pushy. I really don''t want to pressure him because I definitely CAN wait, I just don''t want to!

He knows I want to get married soon, for the last couple months I''ve been bringing up using excess wedding gift money to go into a down payment on a house. AND that I would like to move into that house sooner rather than later He agreed to that and we''ve kind of discussed that neither of us would feel comfortable getting married in a church because of our lack of religious views... So its out there, but I feel like it just doesn''t seem tangible right now!

We just got back from a lovely dinner and I''m upset with myself because at the beginning of dinner he asked me to keep a specific weekend in December open to spend with him. Then I spent the rest of the dinner in my own head wondering if he was planning something! Bah, I''m trying to get a grip.

 

[jackieomy]

I think pricescope''s a good medication for engagement fever. you get to see lots of viewpoints and share frustrations with others and not be thought of as crazy.

a question, though: does looking for clues make you more crazy? you say that your boyfriend has never been able to surprise you, but don''t you want to be surprised? i''d suggest stopping looking for clues at home and find something to focus on, either ogling all the pretties here or doing research/drooling, etc. over wedding ideas.

you know it''s going to happen -- but it might as well be a surprise.

 

[ktkakes]

Oh My i am in your shoes as well! and it feels as though everytime someone gets engaged around you! its like your happy for them.. but extremely dissappointed its not you!
Good luck ! im sure it will happen soon!

i am waiting as well ... this forum is great. i feel much better when i chat with others going thru similar stuations!

 

[Cailet]

Welcome to the forum!!
We definitely all know how the "engagement fever" goes!

I also hear you on the "why am I suddenly so obessed when just a year or so ago I never thought I would get married??!?" thing. I guess when you find the right guy your whole point of view kind of shifts a bit!

Sometimes I find myself over on the bride board surfing through pictures of weddings or dress hunts - totally drooling over these crazy dresses that I always told myself I didn''t like -- and then I realize what I''m doing and wonder how I got over there!

Good luck on the wait!!

 

[SparkleIllinois]

Thanks kt and Caliet!!

Jackie I guess in the interest of trying to not make my first post pages and pages long I left out a lot of stuff haha. I'm no stranger to boyfriend sleuthing but the "clues" I stumbled onto were litereally stumbled onto. The only clues I'm actively looking for are in the things he says and does, which I'm trying to stop but have not yet been able to control that!

The reason he's never been able to surprise me is because when he thinks he's gotten me a good gift, he gets too excited to keep it to himself! He brags about it too much and always accidentally gives something away. Every time he vows never to do it again though, I think its very cute. I DO want to be surprised about the engagement though, if I could appeal to the logical side of my brain this would not be a problem.

Last night I was watching a DVR'd Bridezillas from bed and right after I turned it off he asked me what I was thinking about. I told him the truth, that I was thinking that I would like to be married outside somewhere in Chicago. I'm not exaggerated when I say he totally FROZE. I mean he was actually holding his breath and not moving a muscle. I'm convinced he's either planning a proposal or a horrible breakup haha.

 

[lovebug]

Oh! I am so glad I found this place. I was beginning to think that I was suffering alone! I feel like a lunatic talking about it to anyone so I suffer in silence.

It is so hard not to say anything -- I think about getting engaged and about the ring at least 20 times a day. I try my best not to say anything to my BF, but it is killing me! I feel like I am starting to get irritable!

Anyway, you guys have been really helpful in getting me through. Thanks!

 

[akw94]

Sparkle,
Welcome to PS!

I can understand your frustrations! It''s good to hear that he knows you are interested in getting married, so at least you don''t have to worry about that part. You might have a general timeframe talk w/him and see what he''s thinking. I can also relate to the idea of getting married sort of coming on quick. I''ve also thought of getting married but after a few sucky boyfriends, it wasn''t central on my mind. My bf and I had been dating about a year and saying general stuff about getting married, but still, it wasn''t a huge thing for me. Then he asked me to start looking at rings and I thought, whoa, he''s serious! I started thinking about it, researching rings and now, I think about it ALL the time! He initially brought this up about a YEAR ago! Hello, if you''re not ready, don''t bring it up! At least that''s my opinion. So now, I don''t know when it''sll happen but my preference is right away.

So I can relate. It is hard not to take what they say and analyze it to death, looking for clues of some sort. I do that too. The other day, my bf brought up a sale on 3 stone rings and boy did that make me wonder if he''d been looking, did he just see a commercial on tv, is he thinking about it, on and on...
That''s interesting that he froze when you brought up getting married outside of Chgo. I would wonder what that means too. Did he say anything?
I don''t know why they wait. I don''t know why everything has to be such a big surprise. But you are not alone here!

 

[SparkleIllinois]

Thought you guys might enjoy this story.

So last night we''re in bed and he''s complaining that he can''t fall asleep so he''s meddling with me trying to amuse himself. Tickling me, rolling over me, etc. Then he settles down a little bit and as I''m falling asleep he grabs my right hand and starts tugging on my ring he bought me for christmas last year. I ask him what he''s doing and he says "Nothing, just looking at your ring!" which makes absolutely no sense because its completely dark. And I say "Why?" to which he replies "I dunno, I bought it!" I laughed at him and started going back to sleep. Then he grabs my LEFT and and kisses my ring finger. I say "what are you doing now?" and he said "Nothing, just amusing myself!" Absolute TORTURE I tell you, my heart was beating a mile a minute just from him touching my ring finger, I am certifiably insane now.

This week I''m going to bring up a timeline. Wish me luck!

 

[Dee*Jay]

Sparkle, it doesn't sound like to *need* to suggest a timeline based on his behavior last night, LOL. Sounds like he maybe has one in his head already?!

What if you wait until after new years to give him the opportunity to surprise you with a proposal if indeed that's what he's got in mind, that way you won't take the air out of his sails if he's already got something planned for the holidays. But, if there's no ring by Jan. 1, then I say go 'head and have the timeline talk.

 

[psaddict]

You are not alone!! I can totally feel your pain. After a past relationship which was headed toward marriage (I started looking up rings, dresses, the works) ended abruptly, I didn''t want to think about wedding stuff for a loooong time. I just wanted to have fun, date, not get caught up in the madness again. Little did I know my next serious boyfriend would be the one. I already know he''s planning to propose (he asked a couple of my friends for advice on rings, and one of them accidentally let something slip

) but I''m pretending I don''t know... and he''s not planning to do it until April/May-ish.

At first I was ok, but now I''m becoming exponentially more excited by the day, have become completely addicted to PS, and am looking up everything engagement/wedding related online. I need some serious therapy... maybe a bridal/engagement nicorette patch!

 

[galeteia]

Date: 12/10/2006 4:32:02 AM
Author: psaddict
You are not alone!! I can totally feel your pain. After a past relationship which was headed toward marriage (I started looking up rings, dresses, the works) ended abruptly, I didn''t want to think about wedding stuff for a loooong time. I just wanted to have fun, date, not get caught up in the madness again. Little did I know my next serious boyfriend would be the one. I already know he''s planning to propose (he asked a couple of my friends for advice on rings, and one of them accidentally let something slip

) but I''m pretending I don''t know... and he''s not planning to do it until April/May-ish.

At first I was ok, but now I''m becoming exponentially more excited by the day, have become completely addicted to PS, and am looking up everything engagement/wedding related online. I need some serious therapy... maybe a bridal/engagement nicorette patch!

Brilliant! Can you imagine how much money that thing would make?! And psaddict, your avatar makes me gibber. I already have a weak spot for cute things, especially small furry cute things, and your avatar just rendered me incapacitated. I''m sure the girlie noise I emitted upon seeing it confounded every bat in my nearby proximity. Agh! Too cute! I may expire before the morning.

And SparkleIllinois, I''m thinking he''s definitely planning something, because he sounds like he can barely hold the hints in!

 

[psaddict]

Haha, glad I''m not the only one who needs a patch!

I would suggest some kind of support group, but I guess that''s what PS is. Except for rather than help each other beat the addiction, we fuel it!!

I used to have hamsters like this one as a kid and loved them! glad you like it!

Yeah, SparkleIllinois... it seems pretty clear you''re in the same position I''m in! (know he''s gonna do it... but must wait!) You got any more updates on the situation??

 

[ktkakes]

Oh if there was a patch for engagement fever. i would buy it! in july my bf told me that it would be 6mo to a yr.. so now as the six months is only 2 months away im getting the itch.. wondering when its gonna happen and all that good stuff! i am not the type who likes suprises. although i will love this one .. its the suspense that kills me!

 

[Independent Gal]

For the cute addicted among us (this mean YOU Galateia and PSaddict!) you have GOT to check out the craziness that is cuteoverload.com I am nearly as addicted to that site as I am to this one.

(Sorry for the threadjack)

 

[psaddict]

lol... I LOVE that site!!!!

 

[SparkleIllinois]

Oh my, this week has been a whirlwind with work and I''ve been away!

Nothing very big happened, I did not bring up the timeline like I said I was going to because I am trying to find an appropriate time to do so. I just want to make sure we are officially on the same page without pressuring him. I DID however manage to drop some more hints. We went to Target and a lady we were in the elevator with had a BLINDING asscher. It was huge and I was visibly VERY INTERESTED in it , i couldn''t help it! When we got off the elevator he said "I think you may have drooled a little bit on that lady, did you like that ring or what?" And I went on and on about how I just loved the cut and it was a great ring. He just smiled and grabbed my hand and didn''t say a WORD.

HE IS TORTURING ME.

I don''t think he has gotten the ring yet, but I think he has been looking and researching. Just THAT is making my ring finger itch like crazy

I think the Christmas season will take some of the edge off for me since I KNOW what he''s getting me and I know its not a ring, I don''t have to wonder if its coming for awhile. But man, valentine''s day is right around the corner!

To everyone else suffering with e fever, hang in there!!!

 

[psaddict]

Oh your guy is definitely planning something, SparkleIllinois!!

A guy who wasn''t planning a proposal would have probably been freaked out by the ring staring, and would have tried to just ignore it. But your guy pointed it out, grabbed your hand and smiled...

 

[Hopes]

Agreed! Most guys, if they notice you looking at rings, definitely take the hint. They either take it well or they don''t, depending on how receptive to the idea of marriage. Sounds like your guy loves the idea.

(P.S. I LOVE cuteoverload!)

 

[SparkleIllinois]

I am officially a total fool. I made an ass of myself last night and I feel so dumb. Outside of the relationship I''ve been having a rough couple of weeks. I''m on the tail end of some indentity theft saga that has left my credit in a sad state. I really can''t stand my job and its a battle to get out of bed to come here in the morning, and one of my good friends who lurked PS with me for a while broke up with her boyfriend even though they were discussing marriage as well. I didn''t really let any of that out earlier, but its been weighing on me trying to stay positive. So with all those positive and wonderful signs I was getting, I would still go to bed at night with little seeds of doubt planted.

Well yesterday I had an exceptionally horrible day at work. Someone else made a mistake and I ended up getting screamed at for it. Boss made me feel like crap and I was just generally depressed when I got home. Boyfriend was his usual charming self. We made dinner together, watched tv, etc. THEN the broken up friend (who is a complete mess right now) chatted me up and starting bringing up how even if you''re sure you''ve got the one sometimes things get to the point where its now or never and they run, especially with younger guys (this is what she feel happened to her). This really set my switch to stupid and I started worrying about if my guy was going to change his mind etc etc

Then we went to bed and I couldn''t sleep, my insecurities were beating me up and I just became an emotional mess! My heart started pounding and I must have been breathing crazy because he asked me if I was okay. And then it happened. The foolishness just started pouring from my mouth!! I told him that I get sad that he never calls me at work anymore, and that I bring him little presents all of the time and he never seems to do anything romantic for me, etc, etc. At some point I started crying (STUPID STUPID) and then blurted out that I was getting nervous that maybe he didn''t want to marry me anymore.

I fully admit to being a lunatic. I don''t know what happened, I just cracked. He didn''t really say much. He just hugged me and told me not to cry and that he did want to marry me. I know that I already knew that but hearing him say it just triggered a wave of relief. I don''t know why but after hearing that my mind relaxed and I fell asleep in his arms.

NOW its ths day after and I have to deal with my little breakdown. We don''t see each other in the morning because he works from home half the day so he''s never awake by the time I leave. I felt so ashamed when I got out of bed this morning because my little tirade caught me by surprise. I keep playing what I said back in my head and I don''t know how he could take that as anything but a ton of pressure, which I mentioned before is the absolute last thing I wanted to do. I guess I will apologize for the way I expressed my feelings, but not for the feelings themselves. I wish this day would get over with quick so that I have the chance to do so

 

[KimberlyH]

Sparkle,

Don''t beat yourself up for having a moment, they happen, and will again and it sounds like he is well-equipped to handle yours. I''m sorry you''re having struggles, it can compound and excacerbate emotions but you are allowed to feel what you do and you should be able to talk to him about it.

Go home, give him a hug, make a nice dinner and just relax together, it sounds like you need it.

 

[Dee*Jay]

Sparkle, we all have our moments. Your little breakdown was just the culmination of a lot of different pressures coming together at the same time and it sounds like your boyfriend was understanding. I wouldn''t make an overly big deal about it to him. Just maybe something to the effect of, "Wow, between my miserable job and the craziness of the holidays I guess I got a little emotional last night. Thanks for listening to me." But I think if you MAKE a big deal about it it will BECOME a big deal, if that makes any sense.

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Sparkle~
We all have our moments. Just remember to try to relax. You need it. This forum is moderated very well and rude posters don''t stick around too long.

 

[dmbfan]

Sparkle,

It happens, I would not worry. I agree with Kim. Go home, give him a hug and re-do what you guys did last night.

Boyfriend was his usual charming self. We made dinner together, watched tv, etc

Except, now that you''ve had a chance to think this through talk to him about all the clear thoughts you had today and dont hide from it. Finish tonight the way it should have been last night.

He didn''t really say much. He just hugged me and told me not to cry and that he did want to marry me. I don''t know why but after hearing that my mind relaxed and I fell asleep in his arms.

You guys obviously have a great relationship... thank him for how he was and I bet he is not thinking as much of it as you are. These things happen, so don''t worry

 

[galeteia]

As humiliating as it is, I never appreciate my FF more than when his ''psych senses are tingling'' and asks me what''s wrong, which makes me go to pieces. Once I''ve cracked and let it all out, he very gently scrapes up the pieces and pats me back into a gala-shape and comforts me with good sense and plenty of reassurance.

I''m always mortified by my loss of composure, but can''t help basking in how much I love him and how that is one of the reasons I love him.

So Sparkle, take heart in the fact that you''ve got a great guy who loves you and wants to marry you, late-night freak-outs and all.

 

[SparkleIllinois]

I only have a couple of seconds so I just wanted to come in and update really quick!!

So, yesterday my phone rang at work and it was him! I felt bad because I thought he was just calling me because I complained about it the night before. He told me he was in the area and wanted to take me to lunch. I told him I would be thrilled to go, but he had to let ME take HIM. The walk over there was pretty quiet but once we sat down I started to tell him how sorry I was for the way I had been acting and he stopped me dead in my tracks and told me that I hadn''t done anything wrong. I tried to insist that I was out of line but he said he understands how much pressure I''ve been under and that HE is actually sorry that he hasn''t been able to bare more of the burdens for me. My jaw totally dropped! I acted like a fool and he''s apologizing for not being able to help me more?! I told him that I appreciate him more than anything in the world etc etc and he told me to stop worrying, let go of trying to get everything fixed up nice and neat and that any worries of mine will be battled as a team. I honestly feel like the luckiest woman on EARTH right now. He is so patient and understanding, I don''t know how he finds the strength, but I am so grateful that he does.

The funny part is that during lunch a newly engaged woman came and sat across from us and was screaming into her phone about how she''d just gotten engaged and how great her ring was for like 20 minutes. When she finally got up and left my boyfriend looked at me and said "We just can''t catch a break, can we?" We had a good laugh over it and I realized that I was so happy that my crazed e-fever brain had actually RELAXED. I''m not sure how to describe. I feel renewed like somebody reset my battery or something. I don''t hear the devilish ticking in my head for the time being, I''m content and confident that the proposal will definitely come, but when its the best time for it. I''m okay with that. Doesn''t mean I can''t drool over fun proposal stories and beautiful sparklies but I don''t need to be so anxious because I know I''ll have my own when its right for us!

 

[KimberlyH]

Sparkle,

It sounds like you have caught yourself a real man! I''m glad you had a lovely lunch and that he is so supportive of you. I''m even happier that the ticking in your head has disappeared. It seems as though you have nothing to worry about, it''s simply a matter of time!