It''s Up In The Air!

[Italiahaircolor]

Sorry to use this so much to help solve personal issues...

I have a friend J who I''m not very close to. We used to be a lot closer, but he is very difficult, and I find him exhusting. He and I both started in the same hair salon, which was our intial bonding opportunity, and have kept in touch over the years. For my wedding, I went to see him for my hair color--and paid him for it, he accepted the money...and then told me at the wedding that my hair was his "gift" to me. I was pretty annoyed with that and our friendship hasn''t exactly recovered because I felt what he did was shady and inconsiderate. I don''t mind paying to get my hair done, and have always paid him or anyone, for that matter, who has done a service for me...but for him accept money for it and then tell me if was a "gift" spoke to me about his character and I didn''t like it.

Well, recently, he was fired from the salon he and I worked at. He is now in the transitional period where he is "testing" at other salons to see what package/incentives they will offer him to join their staff and he is in need of models. J called me today and asked if on Monday, I could be a model for all over color for him. Now, I am on a big not-coloring-my-hair kick, and wasn''t planning on having it done. But, my husband and I are going to South Beach, and I guess I could get an all over color before me go. But, going to be his model would mean taking a full day off work, driving to downtown Chicago (about 45 minutes)...and, he wants to be paid!

Now, like I said, I have absolutely no problem paying someone to work on me. But, I do have a problem with paying someone when in reality I am doing THEM a favor! Without me as a model, he could possibly lose the opportunity to work at this salon...and I feel that if I agree to be his model, I am putting myself out to help him succeed (it is not easy for me to take a random day off, esspecially since I''ll be gone for a week just a few days later!) and then paying him for it. It''s not like he has to "buy" the color or anything...he is more or less techincally interviewing for the job!

What do I do??? I hate to say no...but I''m getting frustered with being taken advantage of (and that how I feel

)

Thanks!
Ash

 

[door knob solitaire]

I am terribly sorry...your friend turned out to be such a butthead. But reality check...he is. Yes I am calling him a name and yes I am judging him...and all the other bad things because he deserves nothing more.

Asking your model for monetary compensation not good. You are taking off work...and he isn''t even providing transportation for you. He should at least pay YOU what you should pay him as a gratuity if you were hiring his service. 20% of the service to you would be a nice gesture. The product is all he will be out...and frankly he needs to have something on the line out of his own pocket. Argghhh...sorry to display my ruffled feathers...but I have been there too! Was asked to be a hand model for a cosmotology manicure test, last minute called me to tell me to remove my french manicure and repaint my nails with bright red or she would loose a grade, so I did drove to the class in wet polish...then after she finished she asked me to pay for it! WHAT?

I don''t have advice on how to tell him no, but I do support you in doing so. No it is really a small word to say. Easy to pronounce and it seems to me, long overdue in him hearing.

 

[nclrgirl]

Don''t do it!!!!! Even more valuable than the price that you would pay for his "service" is your vacation time!! You could spend that time with your man!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Hey Door Knob and NC! Thanks for the kind suggestions!

I normally would do anything for my friend...I''m kind of weak and love to make people happy...but when he said "oh, you''ll just pay me"...it pissed me off. He was so cavalier about it...like, it was expected.

And the thing is, he DOESNT have to pay for product...it''s supplied for him! So the cost is $0.00 for him...and $100.00 for me!! How is that fair?? I know that he is out work right now and had bills to pay...but, hey, everyone has bills, he''s not alone in that! And yes, if he was really strung out, I''d probably float him some cash -- but, it''s like with the whole "wedding present" thing...I feel like he tries to manipulate me into giving him money! I mean, something so small as meeting for dinner--somehow I always end up paying!! UGH! I think I am going to tell him I have a bunch of meetings and can''t go! But doesn''t that make a lame friend? I am soooo torn! If it were me, I''d hope he''d help me (but chances are he wouldn''t!)

 

[firebirdgold]

Simply tell him that you don''t want to color your hair right now. It''s your hair, you have every right to not color it. So what if you said you would, you changed your mind and want to stay on the not-coloring-your-hair kick. Totally your perogative and there really isn''t much he can say about it. That solves this issue at least. Doesn''t fix the fact that he''s a jerk and a mooch.

Good luck!

 

[D2B]

Sorry, but just say no. He sounds like he is taking advantage of you. Hair models are advertised around here, and pay only a nominal fee. On top of this you would have to take a day off - so no way that you should pay.

Good luck with it, but try not to let him get away with this.

D2B

 

[Sha]

No!! He should be offering to pay YOU!! You''re making sacrifices just to help him....taking a day off,giving up your own personal matters for the day, paying for transportation, getting your hair coloured when you''re not sure you want to.... AND he wants payment on top of it?? Nope... he should be offering payment as a way of saying thanks.

 

[Joolskie]

I am thinking that you have a really important work-related meeting/function to attend that day and unfortunately, you will not be able to take the day off.

Don't do it.

 

[lumpkin]

Oh, no. No no no no no. When I had to have a model for my exam I paid my model. She didn''t ask me to, but I felt she was doing me a huge favor. She had to go with me for over half a day, the drive was about an hour long each way, she had to take a day off from school and she was giving me her hand. I paid her $50. Now maybe this friend doesn''t need to pay you, but asking you to pay him is just way off screwed up.

You''re going to drive about an hour and a half, spend about another hour and a half for processing, get color you don''t want so he can get a job, and he wants you to pay HIM?

Honestly, I don''t think you''re doing him a favor by letting him take advantage of you. He needs to understand that people DON''T LIKE being taken advantage of, and that if he keeps doing it to people he''s going to end up not being able to get a job anywhere. At least here, there aren''t that many beauty suppliers for the salons to go to. It ends up by being kind of a small town, in essence, because the reps get to know all the salons and what stylists are good, etc. He''s going to end up with the kind of reputation that keep him out of the better salons. If you are the kind of person who wants to help, maybe this is the best way for you to help him. Definitely do not pay him!!

 

[steph72276]

So let''s see....he wants you to take a personal day off of work, drive 45 min. in both directions out of your way, color your hair even though you don''t want to, and pay him for all of this....I think you know what you should do....tell him NOOOOOO! He needs to learn he can''t take advantage of people like that.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Thank you ladies for helping me make this decision easier. I hate say "no" to people and usually avoid it like the plauge...but I think I need to be more assertive with J and let him know that our friendship is equal and I''m not stupid, I see what he is trying to do!

J is the type of person who can be your best friend and your worst enemy at the exact same time. He enjoys putting people down, and will literally go out of his way to get a laugh at someone elses expense. But, he can also be very funny, supportive and kind. It''s just to bad you can''t suck the bad qualities out of someone, because J would be an excellent candidate for that! I used to back down quickly to him, and would "play along" when he would openly mock me to coworkers or his friends...but, I''ve gotten better at giving him the same treatment in return...like telling his new boyfriend that J goes thru men like water, and has a new lover every other week, so don''t be in a rush to U-Haul or you''ll just be repacking in a couple of days

.

I am going to have a chat with J tonight, I think it''s long over do, and being passive agreesive is doing me no good. I don''t like to lie...so I think that I will just confront the issue directly and let him know the "why''s" of the situation. I don''t want bad blood between us, but I also think he needs a BIG HUGE reality check!

 

[steph72276]

Date: 2/14/2008 12:00:36 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Thank you ladies for helping me make this decision easier. I hate say ''no'' to people and usually avoid it like the plauge...but I think I need to be more assertive with J and let him know that our friendship is equal and I''m not stupid, I see what he is trying to do!


J is the type of person who can be your best friend and your worst enemy at the exact same time. He enjoys putting people down, and will literally go out of his way to get a laugh at someone elses expense. But, he can also be very funny, supportive and kind. It''s just to bad you can''t suck the bad qualities out of someone, because J would be an excellent candidate for that! I used to back down quickly to him, and would ''play along'' when he would openly mock me to coworkers or his friends...but, I''ve gotten better at giving him the same treatment in return...like telling his new boyfriend that J goes thru men like water, and has a new lover every other week, so don''t be in a rush to U-Haul or you''ll just be repacking in a couple of days

.


I am going to have a chat with J tonight, I think it''s long over do, and being passive agreesive is doing me no good. I don''t like to lie...so I think that I will just confront the issue directly and let him know the ''why''s'' of the situation. I don''t want bad blood between us, but I also think he needs a BIG HUGE reality check!

Good idea, Italianhaircolor....I think being direct with him is the right thing, so he will know not to try to take advantage of you more in the future. Good luck! I hate saying no too, but sometimes you''ve got to stand up for yourself!

 

[sevens one]

repeat after me.............

NO!

It gets easier the more you do it!

 

[msb700]

i havent read all the posts, so forgive me if i repeat something that has already been said..

however, chiming in with the majority i say DO NOT DO IT!! simply think of it this way..if u were in HIS shoes and u needed a model and expected to get paid for it, would he have done it for you?? i highly doubt it after reading the sort of personality he has from ur post..

 

[lyra]

Not just no, but HELL NO!! (sorry if that offended) He is being such a user. I go to a very good salon and they do not charge their models, they pay them for shows and such.

 

[bee*]

Definitely have that chat with him and say no! I can''t believe he would expect you to pay him after you took the day off work and drove down to him to do him the favour!

 

[rainydaze]

hi Italiahaircolor! just another person here who wanted to offer you support.... there is not an ounce of reasoning i can find as to why YOU should pay HIM. i agree that HE should pay YOU if anything, or do something nice to show his appreciation for your help (and sacrifices to do so). i wish you courage when you confront him, and if he is not open and responsive to what you have to say, i think you may be better off to distance yourself from him. it is great to be a super nice person but realize it is important for your own well-being to consider and choose carefully which people are deserving of your kindness rather than to be nice to everyone and be sucked dry as a result.

 

[VRBeauty]

I admire that you want to let him know how you feel about his behavior and provide him with a reality check. I also suspect he''ll try to rebut what you have to say and look for weak spots he can exploit to get you to change your mind.

So.. remember, "No." is a complete sentence. It''s your decision, with or without an explanation.

 

[Kaleigh]

As you get older saying NO gets easier. Start now, your life will be better for it.

 

[mimzy]

i agree with the big chorus of "NO"s. but also, if you genuinely care about him, i would gently remind him of the industry standards that he doesn''t seem to have any respect for. let him know that you are concerned that he may be sabotaging himself with his unprofessional behavior (asking for money from models....even if it is only you that he does this to) and that you want to see him succeed but if that is going to happen then he is going to need to change his approach

 

[Haven]

Date: 2/14/2008 12:17:46 PM
Author: sevens one
repeat after me.............


NO!


It gets easier the more you do it!

I can tell you have children, sevens.

Italia--I agree with all the advice to say no. I also want to add that if you do say yes, then you''re just enabling his passive-aggressive behavior, and you certainly don''t want to do that.

You are so sweet to even worry so much about this, and it sounds like your "friend" is trying to take advantage of the fact that you are such a kind and selfless person.

 

[onvacation]

I''m another one of those big idiots who can''t ever say no. But even I have to agree...

No,

no,,

no........




NO!

I get everything else, it can happen. But seriously, he should pay you, if anything, not the other way around. No wonder he was fired.

Oh, and just in case you need more courage and haven''t talked to him yet,

NO!!!!!!!


How''d the talk go the other night?

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Well ladies, I want to thank you all so much for the moral support since I tend to be on the weaker side of confrontation and usually avoid it... So, I thought I would update all of you on how things turned out since Monday has come and gone...

J had originally promised to call me with the details at which time I had planned on having the discusion with him about abusing our friendship and my pocket book...P.S, in true J form, I didn't hear from him until Sunday night at 11:30!!! Even at that point, I only recieved a text message! So, I told him flat out that I wasn't going to be his model because, although I knew he wanted me to model for him, he never got back to me in a timely matter and I figured he had found someone else--and that I had since made other plans for the day and wouldn't (even if I wanted to) be able to get downtown due to my schedule.

He was understanding to a point, I'd like to believe, and accepted the role he played in my being unable to help him out...but I know that he was unhappy about it and kept the conversation pretty curt on his end. However, his actions saved me from having to have the dreaded confrontation--which was nice and stressless for me--but I know that eventually we'll have to have a talk and figure out a way to coexisit in our friendship or ultimately part ways since I can't be comfortable feeling used.

But, ETA, in my opinion--regardless of the fact that I wasn't getting my hair--I still consider it rude that he didn't call me to confirm any earlier than 11:30p the night before the event...which just really reaffirms my thoughts that this is J's world, and I just live in it...