it''''s over...

[aeli]

I know I don''t post as often as many of you ladies, but I''ve always loved how kind and supportive you are of each other, and I needed to vent. Anyhow, I decided to end things with my fiance over the weekend. I never fully trusted him, and as more time passed, I trusted him even less. Also, he had never been romantic, which was disappointing, but he started becoming downright mean as time went on. I realize all of this should have sent off major warning signals, but I wanted so badly to believe everything he said, to believe in him, that I figured my patience would prove fruitful. Saturday I finally had enough, so I packed up and moved back in with my parents. I started missing him - until this morning. We had opened a bank account together and he bounced a check which he swore he''d been taking care of. When I spoke to the representative who opened our account (to remove my name), she said she had been trying for a while to get a hold of him to resolve the issue, but he kept pretending she got the wrong number (he''s got a very, very distinctive voice). Also, I saw a lot of unfamiliar charges on my most recent credit card statement. There are a number of other (big things) I''m sure he''s lied about, although I''m not bothering confirming them. I''ve closed out the bank account all together, cancelled all my cards, am getting new bank account numbers, and reported my information to the major credit bureaus. Such a pain, so disappointing, but it helped me go from sad and missing him, to relieved and a much happier person. Sorry for the long, rambling, rant.

 

[blueroses]

AELI!!!!!! (((((((HUGS)))))))) I am so sorry, sweetie. Please lean on us and vent away to your heart''s content--we are here for you. I know how hard this must be and I am so impressed with how strong you have already shown yourself to be on the logistical side ($$ stuff, etc.) GOOD for you. This must have been devastating to finally face what you''ve felt in your gut for a while, but it is so hard to believe what we really don''t want to be true.

You are strong, capable, and beautiful, and you will heal. I''m glad you have your parents there for you. Be sure to balance the "business" of the breakup with girly me-stuff like bubble baths and ice cream. Be kind to yourself and surround yourself with people who''ll do the same.

We''re here for you.

 

[wcitygirl]

Aeli -- I know I don''t really know you, but I''m really sorry. I know how tough it is to end something with someone you genuinely care about. But, on the bright side, at least you know these things now before you are truly bound to him. Take care and do something nice for yourself -- take a bubblebath, have a glass (make that a bottle) of fabulous wine and eat yummy food.

 

[Bagpuss]

I''m so sorry that you''re having to go through all this. My neice was in a very similar situation. Her fiance stopped working, started drinking and was living off her. She ran up debts trying to keep things going but eventually had to admit defeat. As soon as she realised things weren''t going to improve, she got out too.

Now she''s happily married to the sweetest man and they have a five year old son. So keep your chin up and know that there is a good life waiting for you out there.

 

[teebee]

(((((many big hugs))))) Aeli!! I''m so sorry you are going through this but, like BlueRoses, I''m very impressed with your strength and clarity of mind.... Glad you are taking care of all of the practical stuff first, then be sure to pamper and take care of yourself emotionally. What a jerk... you are going to be so much better off without him!!

 

[Matata]

Aeli...you have shown strength, self-assuredness, bravery, the will to survive, and great personal insight by choosing to end the relationship. Your heart will heal in time. Stay strong.

 

[aeli]

I realize I don''t post often enough for many of you to know me, but I appreciate all the kind words. The hardest part of walking away was my age - I''m 29 and want a family someday, so I feel like my clock is ticking (don''t want to rush into things next time). Being practical was easy because I was so angry, if that makes any sense. I stuck around long enough to take care of him while he was being treated for cancer (he''s in remission now), so I can walk away without a guilty conscience.

 

[flopkins]

aeli- many hugs for you! I hope you get thru this hard time, it sounds like he wasn''t the most responsible in finances, and better to find out now and get out before the marriage than to deal with it all later!!!!

I''m sure you''ll find the man of your dreams...

 

[appletini]

Aeli! HUGS!!! I''m so sorry you had to go through such a terrible ordeal, but I am so proud of your for being strong and recognizing the facts. Besides this is much cheaper than getting a divorce. I''m sure that you will find Mr. Right very soon and now you will know even more what is important in a relationship.

You need lots of hugs, manicures, chocolate, shopping, and bubble baths...and a crazy night out with the girls.

 

[Munchkin]

Aeli,
I am so sorry you have to go through this. First of all, good for you in standing up for yourself and realizing that you deserve someone who treats you better.
Next follows some of the best advice I have ever received after various breakups!
1. get yourself a massage and a manicure.
2. Schedule lots of "friend time" to keep you moving
3. Start a new hobby
4. Make a list of important people in your life and post it next to your phone. There you have a list of people to turn to to discuss all of the good/bad/indifferent things that you would typically tell your former FI first. (LIWs count, too!)
5. (Here I become my mother!) Everything happens for a reason / One door closed is another open and yadda yadda As cliche as all things are, my experiences in life have made me realize that these "sayings" came about for a very good reason! Don''t be afraid to look over you relationship and pick out the ways that made you who you are. Even an (ultimately) crappy relationship can make you a stronger, wiser, better woman!

I have no idea if you believe in any kind of religion...but I do. I will keep you in my prayers tonight (provided you don''t find that offensive, of course!

)
Take care of yourself.
Munchkin

 

[AmberGretchen]

Aeli, I just wanted to say that I really admire and respect your bravery and from everything you said I think you made the right decision. I second all the advice about trying to take care of your self, and again, I am just so impressed that you were able to walk away and start over, even though its incredibly hard, and I think your happiness will be that much more complete in the end, even if things suck right now.

 

[psuheather]

Aeli--Everyone has already given you such great advice and there is not much more that I can add in the area of wisdom, but there''s no such thing as too much support, so........... I thought I''d just write in to tell you that I''m thinking about you, feeling for you, pulling for you, and PROUD of you! It''s not an easy thing that you did (it''s the right thing, but not the easy thing) and your life is going to be better for having made the difficult decision that you did. Many, if not most, women are not strong enough to take that necessary risk. Hang in there and know that it''s okay to feel strong and it''s okay to feel weak....and it''s DEFINITELY okay to lean on your LIW''s! (even the graduates

)

 

[Blue824]

Oh wow, I''m really sorry! All the other girls have said such supportive things, I don''t want to be too redundant, but I''m really glad you had the strength & courage to get out of the engagement before it progressed into a worse situation. I''m sorry he took advantage of your finances and I''m definitely glad that is being taken care of...I wish you the best in moving on with from this relationship and finding the real man of your dreams.

 

[Shay]

Oh Aeli you are SO brave. I''m sorry that this happened to you but I''m really impressed at how you are handling it.

Best break up move I ever made was to start an exercise regime. Not only does it fill up time but it leaves you feeling better about yourself. I suggest kickboxing... also good for venting stress and residual anger.

{{{

}}}

 

[allycat0303]

Aeli!

Hugs. Feel free to write as many posts as you want. We are all here to support you during this difficult time. It sounds as though you had some very serious issues about money and trust. Concentrate on sorting out your money issues, it can be very damaging to your longterm credit history. Aside from that, take care of yourself, surround yourself with friends and remember that it could have been disasterous for you if you married him.

Hugs!

Ally

 

[Gale]

Taking those awful first steps is very difficult and painful. Good for you for taking the initiative to look after yourself and do all the smart things.

 

[sevens one]

Sorry you had to go through this.
But it sounds like you got out at the right time.
Good for you.

 

[blue_chica]

Go you! That was a really tough thing to do (although he made it easier by lying huh?

) It''s obvious you are a smart, strong woman who is going to find someone who deserves the best. Honestly, you could start a seminar, you handled this perfectly, I am so impressed. Take care of yourself hon and focus on the positives!

 

[MelissaSue]

Aeli - I''m so sorry. We will be here for you!

 

[fire&ice]

Regarding the ticking clock - you have plenty of time. Even though my friends were married in their twenties, they didn''t have children till their mid to late 30''s. All have healthy & happy kids with no pregnancy complications.

Best of luck to you. EVERYONE deserves someone who will cherish them & feel confident in the trust aspect. Honestly, the basis for a good marriage.

 

[Erin]

I think the thing you said I''m most impressed by is that you speculate he was lying about other things but aren''t even going to bother to confirm. It shows how strong you are to not get wrapped up in the details and really look at what actions would be healthy for you.

I know it was a hard decision but I''m glad you chose what is best for you! We''re all right here!

 

[snow_happy]

Aeli--
I agree with all the other LIW''s that it took SO MUCH STRENGTH for you to walk away. I think too many women just stay because they want to get married but they are not truly happy...and if the marriage isn''t pure and doesn''t have a good foundation then building a family on top only can end in disaster. (kind of like all the mudslides that have been happening!) By the way, 29 is still young! My mom didn''t have me until she was 33 and didn''t have my brother until she was 39 so don''t worry! The most important thing is to take care of yourself and be open to love again. You have proven that you have the confidence, strength and respect for yourself to make the right decision about your future (and your future family!). As long as you keep a positive outlook you are golden!

Vent to us anytime you want

Joanne

 

[snow_happy]

Aeli--
I wanted to add one more thing and one more reason why what you did is so admirable. Not only did you stay with him while he was fighting his disease, but you did your all to make the relationship work. I think you are completely right in saying that you should have no regrets because you tried everything you could and in the end you realized HE wasn''t worth it. I think that only further shows your strength.

Bravo,
Joanne

 

[icekid]

Aeli... wow! I really have to commend you for your bravery and your ability to be completely honest with yourself. I know you''re going to be infinitely more happy in the years to come for having made this tough decision. Obviously trust is crucial in a marriage. Thankfully you realized before you got even deeper that this was not someone you should spend your life with.

Good luck, and best wishes... everything will work out for the best!

 

[aeli]

Again, I wanted to thank everyone for their kind words and support. It''s meant a lot to me. You''re all so amazing. The best thing to come of all this is that I''ve reconnected with my friends & family (he was the posessive type - didn''t like me doing anything or going anywhere without him). The most frequent comment I''ve gotten is that I''m finally smiling again the way I used to.

My weekend plans - get my hair done at an over-priced salon and have a girls night out on Saturday. Is it really only Wednesday...?

 

[goldengirl]

aeli!!

We had no idea... I am so sorry, hun!!! What a miserable thing to have to go through... be glad you have your family nearby to help you through this, and stay strong!!

 

[blue_chica]

My weekend plans - get my hair done at an over-priced salon and have a girls night out on Saturday. Is it really only Wednesday...?

Ohhhhhhhh, yummy! Well, it''s Thursday now...does that help? Have fun this weekend, I''m so glad your family and friends can already see a difference.

 

[aeli]

style="WIDTH: 99.62%; HEIGHT: 115px">Date: 2/24/2005 3:23:21 PM
Author: Blue Chica


Ohhhhhhhh, yummy! Well, it''s Thursday now...does that help? Have fun this weekend, I''m so glad your family and friends can already see a difference.

Yep, that definitely helps. I''m really looking forward to getting my hair done. Since I was supporting the two of us before, I couldn''t afford to go to nice salons, so this will definitely be a treat. And I''ve been very good about not taking his calls and falling for his guilt trips, so I''m doing well.

 

[Gale]

aeli,

I had a messy break up last summer - a proposal one night, followed by a retraction the next morning and loads of drama. The wonderful people on PS helped me so much! Somehow, it seemed more supportive than friends and family, but I think in part it's because it's more or less anonymous. I remember every day how kind people were to me, and how supportive they were. In a time of need and desparation, PS really helped me through. Hopefully, you are experiencing the same thing at the moment.

It was a scary time, and, strangely, a satisfying time because I learned some new things. I found hope in romance through the Proposal section of PS. I found hope in the search for the perfect diamond from those that did not post in the proposal section. I found comfort in PS because it fosterd my commitment to romance between people that love each other. This site offered all of this to me, albieit, anonymously.

Congratulations on your courage to move on. Congratulations on your commitment to yourself! Keep it up girlie. You are more than worth it.

XO GG

Edited to add: I did my share of maincures/pedicures and so on. Surroudned myself with girlfriends and activties and took on some volunteer work. All these little "spoile me" things remain in place.