"It''s okay, they won''t come...."

[NuggetBrain]

So FMIL has warped our small wedding (under 100 people) into a list topping 150 at this point. I have a small family so the extent of the people outside immediate are one cousin and my aunt & uncle. Mainly its FI''s uncles and aunts and cousins - his mom has 3 sisters, his dad has 6 siblings, plus all their kids. She thinks we should just invite everyone because "most of them won''t come". We know that her three sisters will (which is fine) and we want two of his dad''s siblings to come (and aunt and an uncle), as well as two of his cousins and their families. The rest of them he either hasn''t seen in years, or sees once a year at Christmas. Since we are trying to work within a strict budget, I don''t want to invite people that we don''t see more than a couple times a year, or are more than passing friends. FI and his mom feel very strongly that its okay, because they won''t come. But my thing is, what if they DO come?? Has this ever happened to someone, you invited someone assured they wouldn''t go, and they all did?

 

[meresal]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

They ALL come!!!!!

ETA: Ohhh... I can barely even type right now, I am so livid... If I could send you my spreadsheet of my FIL's "Ohh, they won't come, but we have to invite them's", you would go running to your FI with it. I have about 30 on the original list that FIL's added which about 1/4 have RSVP'd yes so far, and another 1/4 no. Ohh and let's not forget to mention the 3 work associates and wife/family he added 2 weeks ago!!

, and YES, 2 of the three have already RSVP'd yes!! (We're not completely sure if they are bringing their families or not)

Don't do it! Draw the line and stick to it or ask the FIL's if they will pay the tab for any of these "Never comes" taht decide to come.

 

[Diamond Confused]

I have the same issue and it''s really starting to pi$$ me off. Because of my FIs idea to invite his entire family, I have had to cut out one of my favorite people in the whole world off my list. I am just like you, other than my immediate family I''m only inviting an aunt and uncle. Only like 20% are my people.

When you figure out what to do let me know! I am so iritated.

One thing I was thinking was to cut the cousins out. Invite the parent''s siblings but not their kids. It adds up, especially when these cousins have husbands/wives. Oh and then if those cousins have kids...

 

[Amanda.Rx]

I kinda have this same fear. FI''s mom has a list of 20 or so that "we should invite" b/c they''ve known FI since he was a kid or they''re remote family, and it''s full of people that I have never met and will never see again. She says, "They probably won''t come." In actuality, we have the room for them, but that''s 10 more invitations I have to send, 20 more favors I have to do, 20 more heads I have to pay for, etc. etc.

I just don''t see the point in "having to invite" family jut because they''re family- some people may see this very differently, but my family has never been that way and I''m not inviting any of my aunts and uncles that I see once every 5 years.

If you invite them, you have to plan for them to come. You might luck out, get some "no" RSVPs and then be able to add your friends, but you have to plan for them to come, or else you''re going to be in trouble.

UGH... we feel your pain!

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

I find myself in the same situation - including inviting FMIL''s friends. I was really angry until I took a second to step back and think about the fact that there are relatives from my family and FI''s family that we (as in FI and myself) do not really keep in touch with but our parents do - the same with friends of our parents - I think how I would feel if I had a child who said I couldn''t invite my sister or brother just because they opted not to keep in touch. Same with friends - I can''t imagine my close friends not being a part of everything in my life: including my child''s wedding.

I guess eventually I realized that my family and my FILs all have people who they consider to be very important to them; if they want to share the huge event of their child getting married with these people, I want to respect that as best as I can. FI and I intentially chose a smaller venue to help curb the number of invites. Yes, we have had to cut a few people off the list and hold a few names as potential B listers but we feel that our parents have put up with us and our friends for a lot longer than one night - the least we can do is respect their A listers especially after all the sacrafices they have made for us over the years. I guess the closer I get to the wedding, the more I realize that this day is just as much for our parents and our guests as it is for us, so compromises will have to continually be made.

Luckily, I haven''t had to contend with pushy parents from either side wanting to invite business contacts - so I do consider myself fortunate in that regard.

We''ve invited a few people we anticipate will not come but know there is a calculated risk. It''s always a gamble with weddings - even when you really think someone will come - you never know if people can make it until you get closer to the actual day. Even people who RSVP that they accept often times do not show up.

 

[House Cat]

I wouldn''t invite anyone unless I expected them to show up, especially if I were trying to stick to a strict budget.

 

[honey22]

Oh Mer sweetie, I immediately thought of you when I read the first part of this thread, and wasn''t suprised to see your answer, you poor thing.

Nugget, take Meresal''s word for it, it will get out of control! Take charge now and rein this wedding monster in. Be firm but polite, FMIL will get over it.

 

[goldenstar]

That''s what my mom said so we invited all her people. We wanted to have a wedding of 120 guests and we ended up with 160. Not ideal, but we worked with it.

 

[meresal]

Date: 6/27/2009 1:59:30 AM
Author: honey22
Oh Mer sweetie, I immediately thought of you when I read the first part of this thread, and wasn''t suprised to see your answer, you poor thing.

Nugget, take Meresal''s word for it, it will get out of control! Take charge now and rein this wedding monster in. Be firm but polite, FMIL will get over it.

Thanks honey. FI has been really good about keeping me calm... or trying to anyway. I''m getting better about not obsessing about it. Luckily, these last ones, I didn''t agree until I heard these words leave my FFIL''s mouth: "They won''t come, but if they do, I''ll pay for them, all of them. They have to be invited!" (He has a bit of a hot temper, so it wasn''t pretty. But when you add 3 families 6 weeks before the wedding, I''m not going down without a fight. Luckily, in this case, I had full support of FMIL so she stood up for me and my parents.)

 

[cocolaw]

please, please, please discuss the idea of the small intimate wedding that you want with your fmil until you think you have made your point at least 10 times. trust me..same position-our location only holds 50 people max, sent about 70 save the dates bc fmil convinced me that some of the people invited (family''s homebuilder, fiance''s college friends parents) would not show up. unfortunately, some of these people are feeling bad because they were included on the list of only 70 save the dates and they now feel obligated to come. i even had an embarrassing situation at a recent wedding where i met one of my fiance''s friends parents invited by fmil...she first assumed that since we invited her that we must be having a 300-400 person bash (bc she obviously doesn''t think of herself as someone who would be tops on my fmil''s list). i corrected her and said no no, we only sent 70 save the dates but really only expect 40. she kept saying "why am i invited?? why did you include me"-it was very embarrassing. so i said "well i think fmil really enjoys you and considers you a very close friend" her response "well that''s so sweet! but we''ve only met twice!!" then she turned to her husband and said...they only sent 70 save the dates!! we have to go now!

so after this encounter, i became worried that a bunch of randoms would show up. i sent fmil an email making sure we are still only expecting 40 people (20 my side 20 fiances side) and told her about my conversation with the friend''s mother. i was very nice, but felt that she needed to hear the story to believe that some of these people might actually show up. she ignored the email, but i''m hoping she gets the point and stops encouraging people who really aren''t close to show up!

 

[cocolaw]

let me add that my mom''s brother wasn''t even invited bc we don''t see him very often, only one of my cousins is invited, and many of the women (close to me but not top of our list) who offered to throw me a bridal shower are not invited.

even if you try to keep the number down ^^ like we did ^^ there is no guarantee that other people will respect it unless you are firm!

 

[ilovesparkles]

I just have to chime in here. DON''T LET IT HAPPEN!!!! If you want, put them on the B list. But you should not compromise your wedding for parent''s friends. I respect Keepingthefaith''s point, but the reality is, that it is usually impossible to invite all the people you want to be able to come. B list is the only safe way to go in this situation IMHO. Our strict budget meant that we had to draw a line no matter how upset his mother is.

 

[LilyKat]

NO. DON''T DO IT. Because they WILL come. Why wouldn''t they? They receive an invitation in the mail inviting them to a wedding. If they''re available and want the honour of witnessing your marriage, or heck, they just fancy a nice day out (and a lovely meal at someone else''s expense), what on earth would STOP them from coming?? I just don''t understand the logic.

They ONLY way you should invite them is if you are 100% ok with every last one of them turning up. If not, don''t do it. If FMIL keeps insisting they won''t come, the obvious question to ask is, "But why wouldn''t they? And if they do, will you pay for them?"