Is this weird or am I overreacting?

[Carats]

ILs are paying for half the wedding. They gave us a list of people they wanted to invite to our wedding. We never approved anyone, told them our thoughts, asked to make changes or said yes/no either way. We haven''t sent out save the dates/invites yet since we hadn''t established the invitee lists. They already went ahead, made the announcement and invited everyone they wanted. Guests have been already booking our room block at our hotel - people that we haven''t invited, that haven''t received any invitation or information from us. My ILs have a long history of being very pushy and inconsiderate and this took me aback. I just wanted to see what others thought to see if I was justified in feeling that way or am I being oversensitive???

 

[meresal]

Were you giving them the same amount of invites as your parents?

If so, then I would go to the in law's and say, this is the amount of invites that each family was allotted. If you go over it, then we will need you to pay the extra expenses for those guests. ($/head, extra centerpieces for tables, chair covers, etc.)

 

[Carats]

It''s not the numbers I am concerned with - they never went over the list w us to see is this okay, are these the people you would want, is there anyone else you can think of, etc etc?? The reason they went behind our backs - probably to put us in an awkward position because now that they have told everyone, there''s nothing that can be done to change/modify the list.

 

[sunnyd]

What does your FI have to say about it? I''d tell the ILs that while you appreciate them taking care of some of the work for you (sending out...whatever they did

), you''d like to be informed of all wedding related decisions from here on out, as the BRIDE and GROOM. Sheesh!

 

[Carats]

I''m just curious about what everyone else thinks and specifically if they would be bothered by this or if this would be considered rude/inappropriate? Or would it be completely okay?

 

[zipzapgirl]

I think it depends on what was said when they sent the list.

If they sent the list and you didn''t say anything, then I think they probably thought it was all good to go.
If they sent the list and you said, ok, we''ll go over it, but this might be too many people, then they are probably overstepping.
If they knew their number of guests to invite and put a lot more on the list, the they are probably overstepping.

I think it''s time to give them a call and tell them to slow down on spreading the good news. I''d try to go in with the attitude that "we''re so excited that you guys are excited and ready to rally all the troops. It''s just really important at this point to get some organization things out of the way and make sure we don''t send the wrong signals to people we might not be able to invite. There will be plenty of time to book hotels and so on once the STDs are out."

 

[caribqueen]

I have a situation that''s kind of similar. I have 26 first cousins on my father''s side (about half in the U.S., the rest in the Caribbean) so we decided that we would have a limited number of kids (bridal party). But one of my uncle''s two daughters went ahead and started making arrangements for their kids (5) before they received the invitation that did not include their kids. On top of that, my uncle and aunt (the grandparents of those children) sent money to my parents to help with the wedding costs, so guess what, regardless of what I envisioned for my wedding, there''s nothing we can do about it because the kids'' grandparents are contributing. It sucks, but it is what it is.

I only share this to say that I''m finding out how unreasonable and inconsiderate people can be through this wedding planning process. It does seem like in your situation, you do have a recourse. You can still talk to your FI and have a chat with the ILs and if their list is larger than you''d like, ask them to cough up the money for the extra people.

 

[missy]

Date: 3/15/2010 5:10:24 PM
Author: Carats
I'm just curious about what everyone else thinks and specifically if they would be bothered by this or if this would be considered rude/inappropriate? Or would it be completely okay?

I consider this both rude and inappropriate. I would not be OK with this at all. It feels manipulative and deceitful. Unfortunately it is already done but you and your fiance need to have a discussion with your future IL's for sure. This is not acceptable behavior and I would be more concerned about future issues such as their future grandchildren (your future children) etc. Now is the time to explain to your future IL's what your expectations are regarding common courtesy and respect. Perhaps your husband should speak with them but I also believe you should have input too! People who have no boundaries are one of my biggest peeves

 

[Carats]

There are several issues I have:

1. When my parents came up with their list, we sat down together and agreed on every person. Since its our special day, my parents wanted to make sure I was okay with everyone and that there was nobody she was missing or nobody that I wanted to "swap". They never did this w us. They just went ahead put together a list with a bunch of people that FI has no relationship with, included all their kids, etc.

2. I know my MIL is the type of person that wants to make sure she has a large "backing". And I know thats why she''s inviting all these people, some close to her but a lot other just irrelevant people that she wants to have just to have a large number of people from her side. She''s competitive like that. The problem is, even if they do pay for the extras, we are going to have a bunch of people that we have absolutely no relationship with just for the sake of having people (having numbers from their side) come. That doesn''t make sense to me. Its our wedding and shouldn''t it be composed of people we love and know or at least our parents love and are truly close with?

3. We are being budget conscious on everything. We are pretty much paying the least amount on every item to keep the overall cost low. If they want to invite all these people AND all their kids, just for the sake of inviting, wouldn''t it make sense to take that money and use it to have a nicer wedding? Its nonsensical to pay so much per head for people that you aren''t so close w and then be forced as a result of that to compromise on the quality of everything else.

4. It bothers me that they didn''t have the courtesy to wait for us. Its beyond weird to me to have people booking our room block at the hotel when they were never even invited to begin with. It makes me wonder if they sent out email invites of their own? Who knows? It doesn''t make sense that people would book hotels if they weren''t given an invitation, right??

 

[trillionaire]

just for perspective, since I''m dealing with my own wedding planning drama

...

Every couple has a set of in-laws that are going to push their weight around. Either they are your parents, or your partners parents. If they are not your parents, you are lucky and blessed beyond belief, and be sure to thank and appreciate them for being considerate and respectful, especially if they are doing so while paying.


And yes, I would be annoyed.

 

[Gypsy]

Whenever you take money from people you should make sure you understand the strings that come with it. In detail. In their minds, they are paying for 1/2 of the wedding and they get certain things in return. If you accepted the money without setting ground rules... sorry, but that''s kinda your fault. You knew they were pushy and inconsiderate. The minute they offered money... you should have stopped and considered what it might mean, and made sure you had a conversation with them that explored their expecations. I don''t think that it is completely unreasonable to assume that you get to invite whoever you want if you are paying for half of an event. Is it annoying: yes. Is it unreasonable and unheard of? Nope.

 

[RaiKai]

This is one of the reasons it can be better to pay 100% for your own wedding - you get the final say on it all, including the guest list and even if someone tries to be pushy you can firmly say "nope, not happening!". Paying for it ourselves led to very small wedding for my husband and I but we wanted absolutely each guest that was there to be there, and there were no strings attached. Not that either of our families are pushy (and they weren't) but still, sometimes when others pay they get a little more "say" unless they opt out of it.

We were pretty mum on ANY details of our wedding honestly except to some very select people and spread the word we wanted to keep the details quiet until after the wedding. Even our mothers did not really know what to expect when they showed up

Your in-laws were, even if they are paying for a good portion of the wedding, WAY over the line. Unfortunately, its not the first time I have heard of it happening. When parents/family pay they often are given some flexibility to choose some additional guests...but not by just inviting them without discussing it or inviting them before everyone else. They were not only completely disrespectful of your and FF wishes, they completely ignored the rest of the guests who have not been invited yet(by inviting early, booking room block) and basic good manners (never mind etiquette - your in laws certainly knew that generally people get some sort of more formal invitation!).

I have a small offside suggestion here...you and your FF need to discuss now how you two are going to handle your relationships and dealings with in-laws (including your own family) when this kind of thing happens. We often hear about finances being one of the biggest causes of divorce - in law/family drama is not far behind. As a couple, you need to really be a team about these things. If this is happening now with the wedding planning, you can sure bet it will continue in the future until you both put an end to it.

 

[nkarma]

Date: 3/15/2010 5:55:15 PM
Author: Gypsy
Whenever you take money from people you should make sure you understand the strings that come with it. In detail. In their minds, they are paying for 1/2 of the wedding and they get certain things in return. If you accepted the money without setting ground rules... sorry, but that''s kinda your fault. You knew they were pushy and inconsiderate. The minute they offered money... you should have stopped and considered what it might mean, and made sure you had a conversation with them that explored their expecations. I don''t think that it is completely unreasonable to assume that you get to invite whoever you want if you are paying for half of an event. Is it annoying: yes. Is it unreasonable and unheard of? Nope.

Ditto ....Caribqueen maybe you can return or not cash the grandparents check for wedding costs. Otherwise whoever pays, makes the rules. It would have been nice of them to speak to you first however.

 

[lulu]

Well I''m going to try to respond to this as someone who has been the mother of the bride/groom. When both of our kids were married we gave them a list of people we wanted to invite. They never asked for a right to approve our selections, they just wanted addresses. Frankly I would have been offended if they wanted to vet our friends. Assuming they didn''t surpass the number allowed I don''t see what objection you might have(unless there''s a convicted felon in there).

I''m also sure that when I ran into people before the invites went out I said something like x and y are getting married on... just to give them a heads up.And of course in both cases we paid for our guests plus. I think that by taking the money you relinquish some control. So I do think you''re overreacting and saying something to your inlaws will just cause unnecessary angst. Remember that their intent is good-they''re spreading joyful news.

Hope this helps.

 

[Lilac]

Date: 3/15/2010 5:55:15 PM
Author: Gypsy
Whenever you take money from people you should make sure you understand the strings that come with it. In detail. In their minds, they are paying for 1/2 of the wedding and they get certain things in return. If you accepted the money without setting ground rules... sorry, but that''s kinda your fault. You knew they were pushy and inconsiderate. The minute they offered money... you should have stopped and considered what it might mean, and made sure you had a conversation with them that explored their expecations. I don''t think that it is completely unreasonable to assume that you get to invite whoever you want if you are paying for half of an event. Is it annoying: yes. Is it unreasonable and unheard of? Nope.

I have to agree with Gypsy here.

I understand why you''re upset, but they ARE paying for half the wedding, which means they can decide how they want their money to be spent. Would it make sense to invite only people they''re close with? Of course. But unfortunately for you, it''s their money so they can decide to spend it in whatever way they want.

My parents paid for our whole wedding. Because DH and I weren''t paying for it, we really didn''t make too many of the decisions. And I was fine with that because if my parents are spending that huge amount of money, they have the right to decide how they want it spent. We ended up inviting over 700 people (well, DH''s parents - who weren''t paying anything - were told by my parents and by us to stick to a strict limit to keep things at a certain budget, and then they went ahead and sent invites to over 200 people even after my parents asked them not to - so my parents were stuck paying a huge amount of money for my in-laws'' guests). We weren''t consulted about anyones'' guest lists but our own, and we knew that would be the case when my parents first offered to pay for the wedding.

There were over 500 people at our wedding and DH and I only had 80 friends there, so there were *plenty* of people we didn''t know and had never met before. It was a beautiful, incredible, wonderful wedding and I barely noticed the people who I didn''t know - I focused on and celebrated with my friends and family, and I was extremely grateful to my parents for paying for the whole thing. The fact that I didn''t make all the decisions during the planning was so unimportant on that day and every day since then.

If it really bothers you that they did this, then maybe you should explain to them that it bothers you and you would rather not accept their money for half of the wedding. If you pay for it yourselves, you can control all the decisions - but if you''re accepting money from other people, usually there are strings attached. Particularly when it comes to planning weddings.

 

[Deelight]

Date: 3/15/2010 5:55:15 PM
Author: Gypsy
Whenever you take money from people you should make sure you understand the strings that come with it. In detail. In their minds, they are paying for 1/2 of the wedding and they get certain things in return. If you accepted the money without setting ground rules... sorry, but that''s kinda your fault. You knew they were pushy and inconsiderate. The minute they offered money... you should have stopped and considered what it might mean, and made sure you had a conversation with them that explored their expecations. I don''t think that it is completely unreasonable to assume that you get to invite whoever you want if you are paying for half of an event. Is it annoying: yes. Is it unreasonable and unheard of? Nope.

Ditto to Gypsy - personally yes it likely would bother me however if they are chipping in. Personally if it were me (I hate confrontation) I would just move on and focus on other things your wedding will still be beautiful there will just be more people there to celebrate it with you .

 

[blueberrydot]

I think that your ILs not consulting you about the guest list isn''t necessarily rude. I''m assuming they had a specific number of spots that were allotted for their guests and just they went ahead and filled up all the spots and didn''t realize that the people they chose would need to be "approved." I also don''t think the idea occurred to them that they should just invite only the people closest to them and put the rest of the money back towards the wedding. I went to the wedding of my friend''s sister a few years ago - my friend was given a table (10 people) for his friends, and I was one of the 10 invited, even though I had never even met the bride OR the groom. My friend''s sister simply told him that he was allowed to invite 10 friends and my friend invited 10 people and that was that. I''m assuming that the bride had no problem with the fact that neither she nor her husband had met several of the people at our table - from what I know of the bride she is a pretty outspoken "my way or the highway" kind of person and if she had wanted to have a say in what 10 friends of her brother''s were invited, or if she only wanted him to invite people that she knew, she would have told him. Sometimes the bride and groom will let their family have a certain number of spots and it doesn''t really matter to them who those spots are taken by as long as the family sticks to the allotted number. I''m not saying this is always, or even frequently, the case - but it does happen. Yes, it''s a bit thoughtless, but not necessarily inconsiderate or rude, especially if the ILs were under the impression that they had free reign to invite whomever they wanted to fill up their guest list.

However, I do have to say that while drawing up their guest list without having your input wasn''t necessarily rude (unless you had explicitly stated beforehand that you wanted to have input, in which case it was definitely rude), going ahead and "inviting" everyone and giving them the information to start booking up hotel rooms leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Why bother with all this extra effort? Why couldn''t they have just waited for the invites to go out? My guess is that they maybe knew in the back of their minds that you and your FH would want to trim the fat on their guest list and this way you guys wouldn''t have a chance. If they really believed that you and your FH would have no problem with their guest list, they wouldn''t have done this. I could forgive maybe some word-of-mouth invites if they really believed that you and FH would have no problem with their guest list, but booking the hotel rooms - that would be very bothersome to me. It''s not the actual actions that bother me - it''s the intent behind the actions. It''s just weird.

What did you say to them when you first told them how many people they could invite? Did you mention anything about asking them to confine the list to people that at least know/have a relationship with your FH? Did you tell them that you would want to go over their guest list?

 

[PumpkinPie]

wow - how rude and presumptuous - I always wonder what it is about weddings that make people go kind of nutty

 

[cara]

Taking their money puts you in the position of letting them pull some strings... like specifying guests. But for the FILs to not discuss it with you, and send STDs to their half of the list without your input is way over the line. Sorry, even for pushy people that is way pushy. Did you ever have any kind of discussion with them about their role in the wedding planning and what they were doing? Might be time to do that now. Since you are actually okay with the number of people invited, maybe just address the fact that you were kind of upset that they took the initiative to invite people b/c you hadn''t fully finalized the lists and wanted to send proper STDs to everyone - not just the people they know - while emphasizing that you wanted to accommodate their requests.

Will be interesting to see if they view their list of people as a request (as you see it) or as if their contribution ''buys'' them those slots to do with what they want. I also think you are going to have problems going forward unless you figure out exactly what they are thinking their $$$ buys them in the wedding planning.

 

[Lozza]

Date: 3/15/2010 6:36:21 PM
Author: lulu
Well I''m going to try to respond to this as someone who has been the mother of the bride/groom. When both of our kids were married we gave them a list of people we wanted to invite. They never asked for a right to approve our selections, they just wanted addresses. Frankly I would have been offended if they wanted to vet our friends. Assuming they didn''t surpass the number allowed I don''t see what objection you might have(unless there''s a convicted felon in there).

I''m also sure that when I ran into people before the invites went out I said something like x and y are getting married on... just to give them a heads up.And of course in both cases we paid for our guests plus. I think that by taking the money you relinquish some control. So I do think you''re overreacting and saying something to your inlaws will just cause unnecessary angst. Remember that their intent is good-they''re spreading joyful news.

Hope this helps.

I''m sorry, but I have to disagree that a bride and grrom shouldn''t have any objection to people they don''t know attending their wedding. To me (and my fiance), weddings are about celebrating your love with close family and friends. Having people there you don''t know really de-personalises the event. I am also very shy, so the idea of walking down the aisle and seeing faces I don''t recognise is quite intimidating.

To the OP, my in-laws did that the night we told them they were engaged. We had already agreed (pre-engagement) that we wanted a small, intimate wedding and that no one we hadn''t both met would be invited. As soon as we told my MIL, she sent emails to a bunch of distant relatives saying we were getting married and that she would love to see them at the wedding. These are people I have never met, and FI and I have been together for SEVEN years! Living together for nearly 5, so really, if I haven''t met someone then they''re just not that close to him.

The worst part is that they haven''t offered to pay a cent. I never expected our parents to pay for our wedding, but I''m very cranky that we''re now stuck paying for about 15 guests I''ve never even met. We''re on a tight budget, so this is a big deal.

We, like you, are now in a position where if we don''t invite these people we are the ones that will look bad. So unfortunately, as cranky as we are, we will just need to find the money and invite them. Unfortunately, I think you''ll need to do the same, although you may be able to get your in-laws to pay for their extra guests.

I feel for you, I really do.

 

[Tuckins1]

Yes, it would bother me. However, having had a similar kind of experience, you do have to realize that this is an important day for them too, and they do have the right to have some people who THEY want to share it with as well...(especially if they are contributing) Having said that, I think there is a much more polite and proper way to go about doing that than just going over your head- even before you have sent invites or STD''s....

 

[LilyKat]

If you specifically asked that they give you the list to approve before they invited people, then yes, they are being rude. If you didn''t, then I would have to say they aren''t. Sure, it would have been a considerate gesture - but I wouldn''t have expected it unless I spelled it out to them.

Just learn from it - from now on, make sure you are crystal clear about any involvement they have in the wedding planning process. People can be a bit dense sometimes.

 

[Haven]

Date: 3/15/2010 5:10:24 PM
Author: Carats
I''m just curious about what everyone else thinks and specifically if they would be bothered by this or if this would be considered rude/inappropriate? Or would it be completely okay?

As long as they aren''t inviting *more people than the budget can handle* then I wouldn''t be bothered by this.

I agree with Gypsy and company that there will always be strings attached when you accept someone else''s money. You can''t accept money from other people if you want to maintain total control.

I do understand how it can be uncomfortable when your parents invite people you don''t know to your wedding. But, if that''s the case, then again, you really ought to pay for the wedding yourself.

 

[lulu]

Date: 3/17/2010 7:08:58 AM
Author: Lozza

Date: 3/15/2010 6:36:21 PM
Author: lulu
Well I''m going to try to respond to this as someone who has been the mother of the bride/groom. When both of our kids were married we gave them a list of people we wanted to invite. They never asked for a right to approve our selections, they just wanted addresses. Frankly I would have been offended if they wanted to vet our friends. Assuming they didn''t surpass the number allowed I don''t see what objection you might have(unless there''s a convicted felon in there).

I''m also sure that when I ran into people before the invites went out I said something like x and y are getting married on... just to give them a heads up.And of course in both cases we paid for our guests plus. I think that by taking the money you relinquish some control. So I do think you''re overreacting and saying something to your inlaws will just cause unnecessary angst. Remember that their intent is good-they''re spreading joyful news.

Hope this helps.

I''m sorry, but I have to disagree that a bride and grrom shouldn''t have any objection to people they don''t know attending their wedding. To me (and my fiance), weddings are about celebrating your love with close family and friends. Having people there you don''t know really de-personalises the event. I am also very shy, so the idea of walking down the aisle and seeing faces I don''t recognise is quite intimidating.

To the OP, my in-laws did that the night we told them they were engaged. We had already agreed (pre-engagement) that we wanted a small, intimate wedding and that no one we hadn''t both met would be invited. As soon as we told my MIL, she sent emails to a bunch of distant relatives saying we were getting married and that she would love to see them at the wedding. These are people I have never met, and FI and I have been together for SEVEN years! Living together for nearly 5, so really, if I haven''t met someone then they''re just not that close to him.

The worst part is that they haven''t offered to pay a cent. I never expected our parents to pay for our wedding, but I''m very cranky that we''re now stuck paying for about 15 guests I''ve never even met. We''re on a tight budget, so this is a big deal.

We, like you, are now in a position where if we don''t invite these people we are the ones that will look bad. So unfortunately, as cranky as we are, we will just need to find the money and invite them. Unfortunately, I think you''ll need to do the same, although you may be able to get your in-laws to pay for their extra guests.

I feel for you, I really do.

But this is a completely different situation. I agree that when you''re footing 100% of the costs you should have complete control over who''s invited.

 

[KatyWI]

Date: 3/15/2010 5:53:25 PM
Author: trillionaire
just for perspective, since I''m dealing with my own wedding planning drama

...


Every couple has a set of in-laws that are going to push their weight around. Either they are your parents, or your partners parents. If they are not your parents, you are lucky and blessed beyond belief, and be sure to thank and appreciate them for being considerate and respectful, especially if they are doing so while paying.



And yes, I would be annoyed.

Not every couple. My parents paid for 75% of my wedding, and didn''t make any demands on me. Not style, not venue, not food, not drinks, not guests. My in-laws didn''t give us one red cent toward anything at all - but they also didn''t make a single demand.

Sometimes both halves of a couple are lucky that way.

 

[CNOS128]

I think you''re overreacting, and I agree with lulu.
Most parents of the bride/groom that I know of expect to be allowed to invite some guests of their own to the wedding, especially if they are paying for half the wedding. I don''t think this is pushy at all.
If you were limited in space, you should have told them at the outset that you would be happy to have X number of their guests there. Past that, I don''t think you''re allowed to dictate which of their guests can come, and which can''t -- and to do so, in my opinion, would be rude and pushy. Certainly, your in-laws could have been nicer/more understanding/more acquiescent - which obviously would have been preferable - but from what you say, that''s not what their personalities are like, so I''m not sure why this took you aback?

Have you spoken to them about this? Maybe they didn''t understand that you expected them to wait for your approval before they told their friends to plan to attend.