Is this selfish? (wedding night plans)

[Anonymous]

So, FI and I will be flying with two children in tow from CA to NY for the wedding. We live here, his mom and all of his family lives there. For way too many reasons to list, my family isn't attending. So it makes a lot of sense to have it there. As a result though, it's eating up our traveling time and money, so there will be no real honeymoon.

As a consolation, FI and I have planned to stay at a really nice hotel on our wedding night. FMIL offered to help us find one because she thought that the place we'd originally considered wasn't nice enough. So that was really nice of her and we were excited to hear what she'd come up with. Well, I talked with her this morning and she brought up the wedding night accommodations. As it turns out, she doesn't think that there are any nice places that are worth the $$ that are close enough. She thinks that we should stay in the B&B that our out of town guests (4 close friends of my FI that I've not met yet, but am looking forward to). Her reasoning for this is so we don't have to worry about getting to and from the hotel, so we can drink/relax, and so we can spend more time with our out of town guests.

HUGE red flags went up inside me. That's *our wedding night*! We won't have a honeymoon, and that is our only night of the whole WEEK that we'll be alone. All of the other nights we'll likely be sharing a room with my 5 and 7 (then 6 and 8 ) year old girls. So clearly nothing intimate going on there.

Am I being unreasonable or too selfish? FI feels similarly, and said he'd talk to her about it. I just feel worried and awkward. She's helping us a LOT with planning, and financially with the reception, etc. so I feel badly disagreeing with her. She doesn't make me feel this way, and has said many times that it's OUR wedding, and our decision. She's just suggesting things and it's ok to disagree.

Is she right though? Is it a waste? I was really, really looking forward to it but maybe it won't make enough of a difference because we will have our own room. I want to remember our wedding night as a special night for FI and I. We only get this once, and this was our special thing just for us.

Urgh. Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[yssie]

She had a suggestion, you don't think it's right for you and FI.


She's not wrong for suggesting something, and you're not wrong for thinking it's not right for you and your FI..

 

[NovemberBride]

Am I missing something? Why is this any different than staying at a hotel? Do you really think that your wedding guests will be knocking on your door all night long interrupting the wedding night activities? I think in most cases the bride and groom stay at the same hotel as all the guests and don't have any issues.

 

[Anonymous]

I should have been more specific. The wedding guests will be staying at a very small bed and breakfast, not a typical hotel. There are no special suites. I know that FI and I would also feel obligated to stay up visiting with our guests and that will be the focus of our evening. Once we get to our room, given the company, it will be at least 1 or 2 in the morning and we'll both be pretty intoxicated. We had both envisioned having a special bridal suite that we would head off to by 10:00 or so at the latest. We are planning several activities with our out of town guests throughout the weekend, including a brunch the morning after the wedding, so it's not like we expect our friends to come to the wedding and not have us interact with them.

The place is nice, but it's not going to be the type of environment where we will have privacy and time to enjoy our first night (not just sexually, but emotionally) as husband and wife. We are very responsible people - raising two kids, both working full time, and won't have a honeymoon. If we had days or weeks together, then it probably wouldn't matter as much.

 

[Bunny007]

It doesn't sound selfish at all! Fortunately, it doesn't sound like you FMIL feels strongly about it, right? Or that wasn't the impression I was getting anyway based on your experience so far.

If I were you, I'd do a little research, find a place you like, and just casually tell your FMIL that the B&B is very nice but you thought of(insert blissfully private hotel without wedding guests here) and think it'd be just perfect because (it has a beautiful view, they do a honeymoon package, etc...). I bet she doesn't even care. You deserve at least one night alone!

 

[Iowa Lizzy]

You are definitely entitled to the romantic evening you're hoping for. I would mention the reasons you stated here to her. She probably just didn't really think about it.

 

[zipzapgirl]

I should have been more specific. The wedding guests will be staying at a very small bed and breakfast, not a typical hotel. There are no special suites. I know that FI and I would also feel obligated to stay up visiting with our guests and that will be the focus of our evening. Once we get to our room, given the company, it will be at least 1 or 2 in the morning and we'll both be pretty intoxicated. We had both envisioned having a special bridal suite that we would head off to by 10:00 or so at the latest. We are planning several activities with our out of town guests throughout the weekend, including a brunch the morning after the wedding, so it's not like we expect our friends to come to the wedding and not have us interact with them.

The place is nice, but it's not going to be the type of environment where we will have privacy and time to enjoy our first night (not just sexually, but emotionally) as husband and wife. We are very responsible people - raising two kids, both working full time, and won't have a honeymoon. If we had days or weeks together, then it probably wouldn't matter as much.

We stayed in the same hotel as our guests and even rode home in a taxi with some of them. No one said a thing about us ending the night at the door to the hotel. A group of them went out to a bar afterwards or hung out in the lobby, but everyone understood that we were headed upstairs - no questions asked. Surely your guests would understand this too. Just say "Goodnight" with a wink and head off.

 

[Anonymous]

Thank you all for responding with your thoughts. I talked w/my FI a bit more about it, and I think we have a plan. He would like to look around at some other places in the area so we can make the decision together, but we probably will just stay there for simplicity's sake unless we find something amazing. His main concern is that it's a house, meaning thin walls. My concerns about us not having any time to ourselves before we're ready to pass out have been put to rest. FI has already said he won't let that happen, and I trust him. Also, one of the couples is married and the other couple is getting married a month after us. I'm pretty sure they'll be considerate.

I may also be swayed by the idea that he came up of us taking a mini honeymoon at a resort in Lake Tahoe that I've been wanting to go to for years. Whatever the case, I'm much less concerned about it today!

 

[amc80]

I may also be swayed by the idea that he came up of us taking a mini honeymoon at a resort in Lake Tahoe that I've been wanting to go to for years. Whatever the case, I'm much less concerned about it today!

Oh oh which one?

 

[TooPatient]

Thank you all for responding with your thoughts. I talked w/my FI a bit more about it, and I think we have a plan. He would like to look around at some other places in the area so we can make the decision together, but we probably will just stay there for simplicity's sake unless we find something amazing. His main concern is that it's a house, meaning thin walls. My concerns about us not having any time to ourselves before we're ready to pass out have been put to rest. FI has already said he won't let that happen, and I trust him. Also, one of the couples is married and the other couple is getting married a month after us. I'm pretty sure they'll be considerate.

I may also be swayed by the idea that he came up of us taking a mini honeymoon at a resort in Lake Tahoe that I've been wanting to go to for years. Whatever the case, I'm much less concerned about it today!

You aren't selfish.

I like his idea of a mini honeymoon but you can still have a night to yourselves -- it is YOUR wedding night. And adding $200(+) to your wedding budget so you can both relax and have a wonderful romantic wedding night (or a quiet place to fall over together in exhaustion after a busy day) is (in my opinion) well worth it -- you only have ONE wedding night!

 

[rosetta]

Totally reasonable, deserved and worth it. Do it.

 

[Anonymous]

I may also be swayed by the idea that he came up of us taking a mini honeymoon at a resort in Lake Tahoe that I've been wanting to go to for years. Whatever the case, I'm much less concerned about it today!

Oh oh which one?

The Hyatt Regency Resort. Every time I see their pier photo I want to be there NOW!

 

[amc80]

Nice choice. Be sure to eat at Lone Eagle Grille!

 

[tyty333]

I would not go for a B&B for my honeymoon (unless I was very familar with the place). I heard walls can be thin, rooms and
bathrooms can be small and beds can have a little too much "charm" (older, squeakier and less stable than nice hotel beds).
Thats just me though. Don't be worried about telling your MIL. Just tell her you are looking for something different.

 

[Jennifer W]

I don't think it would be selfish to want to do what you want to do on your own wedding night. Have to say though, even if it was, who cares? It's your wedding night. Be as selfish as you like, in the sense that the only people you should even think of pleasing that night are you and your new husband. I wouldn't give anyone else a second thought - you have the rest of your lives to put other people's needs, wants and wishes before your own. Not that night!

Enjoy every minute of your wedding day and night, it's only going to happen once.

Jen