Is this rude or is it just me?

[Smurfysmiles]

I have a friend who is always showing me this fancy jewelry she wants or nice houses and she knows we are trying to get back on our feet and could never afford any of that stuff (at least not right now, maybe in the future). I'll try to mention something about what's going on in dh and i's life and it gets brushed off like it's not important...and then goes back to bragging about all the stuff she wants...is it just me that thinks this is rude or should I just brush it off? You guys have always been good with etiquette and I want to be a good friend...

eta: not to say I'm not interested in fancy jewelry

I just don't want it to be all anyone ever talks about with me, ya know?

 

[Liane]

I think there are two separate issues going on here.

First is that your friend isn't listening to or isn't concerned about what's going on in your life and just wants to talk about her own interests. This is pretty rude (but also common, unfortunately) and makes for an awfully one-sided friendship, at best. If that behavior continues, I'd try to address it more openly or else just minimize time spent with that "friend," depending on how invested you are in that friendship.

Second is that the friend spends her time talking about expensive stuff that you can't afford. My question here is, can she afford those things, or is this just pie-in-the-sky wishful thinking? If the latter, then maybe she just means for it to be harmless escapism (like looking at those five-carat beauties on SMTR, it's just about admiration and not aspiration). If the former, then that sounds more hurtful and more like a frenemy than a friend.

Either way it's a little rude, but one is more like well-meant clumsiness (and easily corrected) and the other would be more deliberately malicious (and maybe grounds for not talking to this person anymore if you give her a blunter clue and she keeps doing it).

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I wouldn''t say that they are REALLY expensive things but i guess to me they are expensive things? And some of them she really intends to get them...but i know and i think somewhere inside her head she knows that she can''t actually afford them? It''s kind of hard to explain...if you understood that I commend you lol

 

[Smurfysmiles]

and yes, i know some of you will say "hey this sounds familiar"
yeah i''m aware of that lol

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 1/15/2010 2:32:08 PM
Author:Smurfyimproved
I have a friend who is always showing me this fancy jewelry she wants or nice houses and she knows we are trying to get back on our feet and could never afford any of that stuff (at least not right now, maybe in the future). I''ll try to mention something about what''s going on in dh and i''s life and it gets brushed off like it''s not important...and then goes back to bragging about all the stuff she wants...is it just me that thinks this is rude or should I just brush it off? You guys have always been good with etiquette and I want to be a good friend...

eta: not to say I''m not interested in fancy jewelry

I just don''t want it to be all anyone ever talks about with me, ya know?

wanting and having is a world apart

i want a big diamond,but i don''t have one.

so tell her...talk is cheap,don''t brag til you have something to brag about.

 

[Bia]

I'm not really sure what you're asking? Is she showing you these things because she's planning to buy them, or just in conversation? Is she the type that likes to make herself look good? I'm a bit confused

What I'd be more concerned with was a friend who didn't take time to listen to me when I'm discussing something important, like hardships in my life. A good friend wouldn't brush me off all the time.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 1/15/2010 2:47:43 PM
Author: Bia
I''m not really sure what you''re asking? Is she showing you these things because she''s planning to buy them, or just in conversation? Is she the type that likes to make herself look good? I''m a bit confused

What I''d be more concerned with was a friend who didn''t take time to listen to me when I''m discussing something important, like hardships in my life. A good friend wouldn''t brush me off all the time.

She likes to talk about all these things she''s gonna get but then never actually does get?

I''ve told her once or twice that she talks about herself a lot in a nice way, I forget how I worded it but it was good enough that she is obviously still talking to me lol

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Question - is she just fantasizing about stuff she wants or can she afford it all? If it's the first, it's tacky, if it's the second, I'd say it's flat out rude and beyond inconsiderate.

I guess the best way to approach is to brush her comments off just like she does with you.

Hope all improves with you and your DH. I know it can be tough when others brag. When DH and I were in a slump, a mom I knew at the time informed me that she put 50% down on her home. I felt terrible but just tried to ignore it because I knew she had other problems at the time. When she sold the house, it took months and she lost 1/2 of her down payment.

She never talked about money after that.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I''m just listening to "I wanna talk about me" on repeat by toby keith- that man is a genius lol

But I do agree about maybe brushing off her comments the same way, maybe she would get the point?

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 1/15/2010 2:51:11 PM
Author: Smurfyimproved


She likes to talk about all these things she''s gonna get but then never actually does get?

I''ve told her once or twice that she talks about herself a lot in a nice way, I forget how I worded it but it was good enough that she is obviously still talking to me lol

Smurfy - you know what you do? Next time she shows you a ring or whatever she wants, ask her if she''s going to finance it. lol (clearly she cannot afford the stuff and she knows it. you''ll show that you know it too!)

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 1/15/2010 2:56:26 PM
Author: MC

Date: 1/15/2010 2:51:11 PM

Author: Smurfyimproved



She likes to talk about all these things she''s gonna get but then never actually does get?


I''ve told her once or twice that she talks about herself a lot in a nice way, I forget how I worded it but it was good enough that she is obviously still talking to me lol

Smurfy - you know what you do? Next time she shows you a ring or whatever she wants, ask her if she''s going to finance it. lol (clearly she cannot afford the stuff and she knows it. you''ll show that you know it too!)

awww touche

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 1/15/2010 2:54:00 PM
Author: MC
Question - is she just fantasizing about stuff she wants or can she afford it all? If it''s the first, it''s tacky, if it''s the second, I''d say it''s flat out rude and beyond inconsiderate.

I guess the best way to approach is to brush her comments off just like she does with you.

Hope all improves with you and your DH. I know it can be tough when others brag. When DH and I were in a slump, a mom I knew at the time informed me that she put 50% down on her home. I felt terrible but just tried to ignore it because I knew she had other problems at the time. When she sold the house, it took months and she lost 1/2 of her down payment.

She never talked about money after that.

i don''t mind when people brag about the expensive items they own,more power to them.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

This is stuff she''s just fantasizing over, right? She doesn''t actually have it? If that''s the case then I''d relax and have fun with it. I understand that it''s hard to day dream when you''re really trying hard to be disciplined, but it''s just a dream. If she were throwing new baubles under your nose every day, then I''d be a little peeved about her lack of compassion. But dreaming about what ifs? Not rude at all.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 1/15/2010 2:59:10 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
This is stuff she''s just fantasizing over, right? She doesn''t actually have it? If that''s the case then I''d relax and have fun with it. I understand that it''s hard to day dream when you''re really trying hard to be disciplined, but it''s just a dream. If she were throwing new baubles under your nose every day, then I''d be a little peeved about her lack of compassion. But dreaming about what ifs? Not rude at all.

How about every 2 hours? And no, I''m not exaggerating...I tell her I have other things I have to go do at work or laundry to put in the dryer just to get out of the conversations. She''ll start conversations by sending me 3 different links to things she wants, it''s just more irritating than anything else...

 

[joflier]

It sounds like she is vying for attention. That she wants to be envied. If in fact, these are things she can''t afford, then it seems like she''s putting on a bit of a show that''s not even realistic. I would just let it roll off your shoulders. Focus on you and your dh getting on your feet. If she wants to ''live the good life'' and be in debt up to her eyeballs, I''d say your the one who''s better off.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 1/15/2010 2:59:10 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
This is stuff she''s just fantasizing over, right? She doesn''t actually have it? If that''s the case then I''d relax and have fun with it. I understand that it''s hard to day dream when you''re really trying hard to be disciplined, but it''s just a dream. If she were throwing new baubles under your nose every day, then I''d be a little peeved about her lack of compassion. But dreaming about what ifs? Not rude at all.

+1. I don''t think she''s being rude, she''s just dreaming yanno?? Have fun with it...

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Yea I can see how that would be annoying. Maybe now''s the time to not be so nice and tell her you''re busy and don''t have time to play on the interwebz?

 

[Smurfysmiles]

i mean if it was oh i really like this, i hope i can get it someday, then i''d be like oh that''s cool and it''d be a great conversation. but really it is more like this is what i''m going to get with my next paycheck, oh maybe i should get this and this too. when i got engaged i never showed people my ring unless they asked to see it so i guess maybe it is just a personality clash...i''ll keep my mouth shut

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 1/15/2010 2:58:32 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 1/15/2010 2:54:00 PM
Author: MC
Question - is she just fantasizing about stuff she wants or can she afford it all? If it''s the first, it''s tacky, if it''s the second, I''d say it''s flat out rude and beyond inconsiderate.

I guess the best way to approach is to brush her comments off just like she does with you.

Hope all improves with you and your DH. I know it can be tough when others brag. When DH and I were in a slump, a mom I knew at the time informed me that she put 50% down on her home. I felt terrible but just tried to ignore it because I knew she had other problems at the time. When she sold the house, it took months and she lost 1/2 of her down payment.

She never talked about money after that.

i don''t mind when people brag about the expensive items they own,more power to them.

It depends upon the situation. If a person knows another who is out of work, is that a good time to bring up a fancy purchase? If the friend of Smurfy''s is daydreaming, that is an entirely different situation than what I said since the girl hasn''t boughten any of the items . .however, in regards to my comment, if a friend is having financial problems and the other is buying stuff, the act of sticking a hand in the face of that person saying, "see my new $15K ring" lacks class.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

and she just had a newborn...i mean, maybe it is just me but wouldn''t you want to save your money to spend on your new child?

 

[Maisie]

I do think its a bit odd that she doesn''t want to listen to your problems. Mind you, I had a friend who I could never get to listen to me. She would just prattle on and on about herself. It got to be very wearing after a while and I don''t see her anymore. Its not a conversation if you can''t get a word in edgeways.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

LOL, of course that''s what we''d do Smurfy, this is US you''re talking to! I think she''s all talk and no action. She''s got a lot on her plate and she''s probably just partaking in some retail therapy to take her mind off of her responsibilities in life. However, like I said, it''s annoying, but it''s not going to stop until you make it stop.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 1/15/2010 3:06:10 PM
Author: Smurfyimproved
and she just had a newborn...i mean, maybe it is just me but wouldn''t you want to save your money to spend on your new child?

Was she like this before her baby was born? Maybe she''s just a bit down due to hormones and just needs a boost and the jewelry, etc., is giving her that.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 1/15/2010 3:12:51 PM
Author: MC

Date: 1/15/2010 3:06:10 PM

Author: Smurfyimproved

and she just had a newborn...i mean, maybe it is just me but wouldn''t you want to save your money to spend on your new child?

Was she like this before her baby was born? Maybe she''s just a bit down due to hormones and just needs a boost and the jewelry, etc., is giving her that.

She''s been like this for a little over 2 years, I went for a period of time where I just couldn''t talk to her at all. I always had my contacts on hide or invisible and would only talk to the people I wanted to talk to lol

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 1/15/2010 3:16:21 PM
Author: Smurfyimproved

She''s been like this for a little over 2 years, I went for a period of time where I just couldn''t talk to her at all. I always had my contacts on hide or invisible and would only talk to the people I wanted to talk to lol

Eh, that''s too bad. Sorry she''s bugging you like this.

(oh, and if she''s spending *that much time* on fantasies, sounds like she simply isn''t happy with her life - which is a shame.)

Take a mini-break from her if you think her actions are going to impact your perspective on life. You have plenty to be happy for and make sure you focus on all that!

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 1/15/2010 3:29:25 PM
Author: MC

Date: 1/15/2010 3:16:21 PM

Author: Smurfyimproved


She''s been like this for a little over 2 years, I went for a period of time where I just couldn''t talk to her at all. I always had my contacts on hide or invisible and would only talk to the people I wanted to talk to lol

Eh, that''s too bad. Sorry she''s bugging you like this.

(oh, and if she''s spending *that much time* on fantasies, sounds like she simply isn''t happy with her life - which is a shame.)


Take a mini-break from her if you think her actions are going to impact your perspective on life. You have plenty to be happy for and make sure you focus on all that!

Thanks for the spirit booster mc

I needed that

 

[Shoopy]

That would be the "all about me" friend.

I bet everyone has either had or still has run-ins with these types of people.

 

[Rachel9]

A little break from her sounds like a great idea, who knows, she may find a new fantasizing buddy

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 1/15/2010 3:47:37 PM
Author: Rachel9
A little break from her sounds like a great idea, who knows, she may find a new fantasizing buddy

oh man wouldn''t that be great!

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 1/15/2010 3:43:27 PM
Author: fiery
That would be the ''all about me'' friend.

I bet everyone has either had or still has run-ins with these types of people.

Yes, and yes.

I agree with the poster (I think it was HH) who said it''s not so much rude as it it just plain annoying, if she''s not actually purchasing items and showing them off to you.

I can''t believe she sends you links?! I mean, it''s one thing to say to your friend "There''s a handbag at Macy''s I''ve been drooling over", and "Here, look at all this stuff I want. I''m going to get this one in purple, and this other one in red, blahblahblah".

She sounds like she needs a life!