Is this making up after an argument??

[Stone Hunter]

Let's say you and your SO have an argument the day before your anniversary. The issues aren't settled and neither person says they are sorry that they started it, sorry they got mad or just sorry that we have argured. Then they look at the clock and realize the day has changed so they say Happy Anniversary.

How would you take this? Is this trying to make up?

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 8/25/2006 9:51:03 AM
Author:Stone Hunter
How would you take this? Is this trying to make up?

Hmmm. I think it depends on HOW it was said. If it was "snarky" I'd say - they're still mad. If it was more heartfelt - then maybe it was just a recognition of the fact that, even though you both may be temporarily mad & not agree on who was wrong or should apologize yet ... that the RELATIONSHIP was important & permanent ... the FIGHT is a passing thing.

Sometimes my Sweetie & I can be super mad and then one of us just starts laughing ... we realize WE'RE the a******, or have gone too far, or taken things to a ridiculous level & the recognition of that ... one of us cracking up ... usually cuts the tension and helps us "heal" the fight ... even if we still do disagree.

They say, it's not the fight that counts ... it's how well you move on from fights ... and never to go to bed angry. Not sure if that's ALWAYS possible ... but projecting ahead, about how little this or that detail is in the big picture, sometimes helps too.

 

[Stone Hunter]

Decodelighted - THANK you

I took it as "look it''s our anniversary and we''re having a fight"

It bothers me that he wants to just go ahead and ignore the issues and have a "Happy Anniversary"

I guess I could if we made a date/set a time in the future to discuss the issues.

Please tell me if I''m being unreasonable but of course he was mad that I didn''t take him saying "Happy Anniversary" out of the blue as him trying to "make up"

 

[Mara]

we have arguments sometimes where we don''t really settle our issues or what made us fight in the first place. but we are married and we live together and i could never be one of those people who doesn''t speak to the other person for days or vice versa, i totally don''t understand that, nor would we ever sleep in separate bedrooms if we were mad or whatever. so sometimes we have a fight or a disagreement and we both end up getting frustrated or trying to talk it out or whatever and if it just doesn''t work, typically one of us just says yanno i''m done with this for tonite...lets table it for another time, and then we go on with life kinda thing. we don''t hold grudges and we try not to stew on things. i guess the way we look at it is we are married, in it for the long haul, some disagreements or not seeing eye-to-eye on everything is not going to make or break us or change our actual relationship in any way. we don''t have to work something out right away, we''re going to be together forever, so we have plenty of time! hehee. plus we don''t have any ''big issues'' that NEED to be discussed and worked on right away. it''s basically the still working on the ''meshing of personalities'' than anything else.

so i wouldn''t see the whole changing of topic or moving it to something happier like the anniversary as bad at all. instead i''d probably be grateful that instead of just going around in circles getting upset with each other, you can focus on something happy like the anniversary and remembering all the great reasons you guys are together, rather than the handful of things you don''t see eye to eye on or are still working out. does that make sense?

i don''t think you were unreasonable to think it was odd to just switch modes from disagreements to Happy Anniversary...but it''s such a typical man thing to make that sudden transition and then be all ''what you don''t understand i am trying to diffuse the situation?''...he could have done it in a more suave way most likely. men!

sooo Happy Anniversary?!?

 

[CaptAubrey]

Ditto the above. After 15 years of marriage, I happen to think that this is one of the signs of a healthy relationship, IF you're truly putting this fight behind you and not letting things fester.

I would say Mrs. Aubrey and I do this with some regularity. Something will come up and one or both of us will get into a snit, but then it's over, and maybe we'll apologize and maybe not, but the next day it will be history and neither of us will bother with it again.

I think that to be married a long time you kind of have to have a short memory for fights.

 

[Christa]

Date: 8/25/2006 1:07:25 PM
Author: Mara
i don''t think you were unreasonable to think it was odd to just switch modes from disagreements to Happy Anniversary...but it''s such a typical man thing to make that sudden transition and then be all ''what you don''t understand i am trying to diffuse the situation?''...he could have done it in a more suave way most likely. men!

It took me a long time to figure this one out, but after 16 years of marriage I can recognize this kind of thing as guy-speak for "I really want to stop fighting but I don''t know how". Men have a much easier time letting go of things than we do, so a lot of the time when I used to think he was being an insensitive jerk, he was really just being a guy trying his best to comprehend the female mind.

I''m so glad I''m a woman . . . it has to be easier than being married to one!

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Just wanted to say...Agreed!

When a man really loves his woman (sounds like a song doesn''t it?) he hates to see her upset. Furthermore, if a ''heated discussion'' is going in circles he''d rather drop it/change the subject than continue the agony of arguing and going nowhere. Very typical. At least he changed the subject to say "Happy Anniversary" as long as it wasn''t snappy of course!

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 8/27/2006 2:47:33 AM
Author: Christa

Date: 8/25/2006 1:07:25 PM
Author: Mara
i don''t think you were unreasonable to think it was odd to just switch modes from disagreements to Happy Anniversary...but it''s such a typical man thing to make that sudden transition and then be all ''what you don''t understand i am trying to diffuse the situation?''...he could have done it in a more suave way most likely. men!

It took me a long time to figure this one out, but after 16 years of marriage I can recognize this kind of thing as guy-speak for ''I really want to stop fighting but I don''t know how''. Men have a much easier time letting go of things than we do, so a lot of the time when I used to think he was being an insensitive jerk, he was really just being a guy trying his best to comprehend the female mind.

I''m so glad I''m a woman . . . it has to be easier than being married to one!

no true words written in quite some time!

movie zombie

 

[monarch64]

Date: 8/27/2006 2:47:33 AM
Author: Christa

Date: 8/25/2006 1:07:25 PM
Author: Mara
i don''t think you were unreasonable to think it was odd to just switch modes from disagreements to Happy Anniversary...but it''s such a typical man thing to make that sudden transition and then be all ''what you don''t understand i am trying to diffuse the situation?''...he could have done it in a more suave way most likely. men!

It took me a long time to figure this one out, but after 16 years of marriage I can recognize this kind of thing as guy-speak for ''I really want to stop fighting but I don''t know how''. Men have a much easier time letting go of things than we do, so a lot of the time when I used to think he was being an insensitive jerk, he was really just being a guy trying his best to comprehend the female mind.

I''m so glad I''m a woman . . . it has to be easier than being married to one!

You know, what''s funny to me about reading this thread is that I have a marriage of almost three years where we are the exact opposite of what''s going on here. I have a very easy time "letting things go," whereas my DH wants to rehash and bring the same things up time and time again. Just when I think things are resolved, something will happen and he will bring up, oh..."remember what you said when such-and such?" It used to amuse me, but now I''ve realized that I do have to make sure his needs are being met when we have differences, otherwise things tend to pop back up again.

 

[Stone Hunter]

Thanks

I think you all are right. He really wanted to stop fighting in circles. But the sudden transition really threw me.

We''ve already been married forever, we always speak to each other etc. I think we have put the fight behind us but what about the issues themselves?

Don''t issues just keep coming up again and again if not dealt with?

 

[monarch64]

I think it depends on the issue. Both of you have to decided whether the issue is important enough to deal with, and you both have to be willing to compromise, and keep your egos out of it. Or you can both decide to leave the issue in the past, move forward, and let it go. I think the main thing, though, is that if it''s an issue that is important to one of you, it should be important to both of you and you have to each be able to respect why the other person feels so strongly about it.

 

[Christa]

Date: 8/28/2006 10:28:38 AM
Author: Stone Hunter
Thanks

I think you all are right. He really wanted to stop fighting in circles. But the sudden transition really threw me.

We''ve already been married forever, we always speak to each other etc. I think we have put the fight behind us but what about the issues themselves?

Don''t issues just keep coming up again and again if not dealt with?

I guess it depends on what kind of issue it is. After all these years I no longer feel like every issue has to be hashed out before we can move on--some of them just don''t matter that much. But then again some do, and only you know which this is.

 

[Mara]

I agree, sometimes they rear up again and again and other times over time they seem to solve themselves. I'm talking small issues mostly though when I say that I can tend to let things go pretty easily, if it was a big issue like 'stop ogling other women' is something I think should be worked out!!