Is this just an excuse?

[tunguska]

Hi everyone, I am here for some advice because I dont really know what to do anymore.

I have been with my boyfriend for 9 years. Living together for 7.

My problem is that we need to move to a new area by october because I will be starting a new job.

I spoke to my man about it when I first found out and he said he wanted to come with me, sell his house and start again with me etc.

I am now starting to doubt that.

Basically the house has been on the market for 7 months. in that time we have had one viewing!

Spoke to the estate agent to see if there is anything else we can do to get interest and he said there is nothing wrong with the house and that we were not getting viewings because of the price, he said for us to reduce it further.

Thing is, my man will not budge on the price at all.

All the other houses on our street are up at 137k, ours is up at 120k, we thought if we put ours up cheaper than all the others then we would get interest. obviously not lol.. the estate agent has told us to reduce it to 110k.

we still owe 74k on the mortgage and we owe 8k to his mum which we would love to pay off out of the house sale.

The way I am looking at it, even if we dropped the price to say 105k, we could clear the mortgage and the debt with his mum and we could still have 20k left. but that to him isnt good enough.

I keep trying to tell him that the market changed and hes not going to get what he is hoping for, but its not making any difference at all, he is quite stuburn by nature, always has been.

He keeps telling me that next door is up for 137k so ours is cheap at 120k. the thing is, house next door has been up for sale at that price for the last 2 years so obviously the price is way too high!!

Now i am sat here thinking im wrong and that its his house and his money and i shouldnt get involved.

Anyone any ideas on how i can get through to him? or shall i just leave him to it and i just go myself in october and he can join me in 2030 when the house sells for the price he wants?

we started off as a long distance relationship and i do not want to do that again not now at this point in my life. I want to settle down not live apart.

He will not rent the house out, isnt interested in the "quick buy" companies, will not take a lodger etc, every single thing that i have thought of is met with no.

surely he could marry me for 20k?? he knows i do not want a big wedding, never have. Im starting to think its an excuse that he is using and that maybe he doesnt want to come with me but doesnt know how to tell me, he says he wants to but im starting to think that actions speak louder than words.

He told me he wont reduce the price any more than he has already as if he does we will not have any money left to live on (20k???) My response was that money can be saved at any time, I cannot replace him if I lose him.

 

[Indylady]

Huh..

I really have no idea. If the house doesn't sell, will he continue living in it? He could also just move with you and keep this house since he is not willing to rent or lower the price. Does he do other things to make you doubt his commitment?

 

[Circe]

He will not rent the house out, isnt interested in the "quick buy" companies, will not take a lodger etc, every single thing that i have thought of is met with no.

surely he could marry me for 20k?? he knows i do not want a big wedding, never have. Im starting to think its an excuse that he is using and that maybe he doesnt want to come with me but doesnt know how to tell me, he says he wants to but im starting to think that actions speak louder than words.

He told me he wont reduce the price any more than he has already as if he does we will not have any money left to live on (20k???) My response was that money can be saved at any time, I cannot replace him if I lose him.

Like IndyGal, I think it's hard to tell.

In the last two paragraphs, you mention that the 20K would be money to live on, money for a wedding, and, presumably, would represent a big chunk of his savings ... well, 20K ain't what it used to be, and I can understand how it would be tough to walk away from that number being 40K.

That said, I have no idea why he'd be against renting the place out until the economy recovers and sales prices rise again - if a renter would cover the mortgage, he could move free and clear and presumably not have to worry about it for a few years. Renting can be a pain in the butt, but that's what management companies are for. Since you're not willing to go long distance (I wouldn't be, either), I kinda think he needs to compromise on this point, unless he has some compelling reason not to, or it is a de facto decision to break up ....

 

[Amys Bling]

Huh..

I really have no idea. If the house doesn't sell, will he continue living in it? He could also just move with you and keep this house since he is not willing to rent or lower the price. Does he do other things to make you doubt his commitment?

20k isnt that much money considering a wedding... Living expenses while he looks for another job, etc. Especially if you are moving somewhere more expensive.

But the big question is: are there other signs that make you think he is avoiding the moce and thus being difficult, or is it just the sale of the house?

 

[tunguska]

Hi again everyone.

My mother lives in the area I need to move to, and has said we could stay there rent free until we get on our feet, I will already have a job and partner has already said he could get a transfer at work.

At first he said yes to staying with my mum, now hes changed his mind and said it wouldnt be ideal. We would have no privacy etc, I know what he is saying but its not like it will be forever.

Reading back on my thread it all seems a bit "me me me" and i didnt mean it to sound that way, as far as the new job goes, I spoke to my man about it before accepting it, i wouldnt have accepted it if he had said he wasnt coming with me because i dont want to split up.

I know it must be hard for him as he has a job, family a car a house etc, but i forgot to mention that we were going to put the house up for sale anyway as we can no longer afford to live here, it is way too big for us, has 2 spare bedrooms that we never use and it is 45 miles away from where my man works so we wanted to move to a smaller house anyway.

Everything else about our relationship is fine, I love him to bits and its going to be really hard for me to walk away in october but i feel that i have ran out of options, when every single idea is met with no it just gets me thinking that he maybe doesnt want to move.

He doesnt want to rent the house out because the house "could get trashed" happened to one of our friends, plus we would be moving 400 miles away so if anything went wrong its not like we could be there in an hour.

even thought of leaving the house vacant until it sells, I use my wage to pay for a new place and he uses his wage to pay the mortgage on this house but that was met with no too.

I suddenly feel really selfish

 

[suchende]

I don't think it's selfish to put your career before a non-marriage relationship. I would just move, do long distance for a while, and let him work through his options at his own pace. He's being irrational about the house, but people are often irrational about money.

 

[sonnyjane]

I suddenly feel really selfish

I don't get that impression at all from you. Just out of curiosity, did you move to be with him when he bought this current house? In other words, does it seem you are the one that made the sacrifices and now that it's his turn, he's not as willing to budge?

Also, is there any particular reason that you have been together for nine years and are not married? Does he cite money as a reason? What does he cite as a reason? I'm assuming you still want to be married since you are in this thread and said the money from the house could go toward a wedding. I'm just really curious as to why he hasn't decided to marry you yet after nine years.

Also, I agree with the PP that he's being irrational about the house. A lot of people have to cut their losses, it's just a fact of this economy.

 

[tunguska]

I suddenly feel really selfish

I don't get that impression at all from you. Just out of curiosity, did you move to be with him when he bought this current house? In other words, does it seem you are the one that made the sacrifices and now that it's his turn, he's not as willing to budge?

Also, is there any particular reason that you have been together for nine years and are not married? Does he cite money as a reason? What does he cite as a reason? I'm assuming you still want to be married since you are in this thread and said the money from the house could go toward a wedding. I'm just really curious as to why he hasn't decided to marry you yet after nine years.

Also, I agree with the PP that he's being irrational about the house. A lot of people have to cut their losses, it's just a fact of this economy.

I did move to be with him, basically hes from Ireland, Im from England, and at the time that we got serious I had just lost my job, he already had the house and the job etc so it made sense for me to move rather than him.

As for not being married yet, theres lots of reasons, it seems like we have had a lot of bad luck, with losing jobs and getting new jobs with less pay, bills rising etc.

I dont like "fuss" and would be happy enough to get married in a registrar office, he is fine with this as well from what he has said, I also dont want an expensive ring (im funny with jewellry!) he has got it in his head that if he buys me a ring and asks me then we must get married right away where as I am happy to be engaged for a few years, he doesnt really see a point in being engaged he would rather just get married.

I think I am answering my own question now lol..

 

[sonnyjane]

I suddenly feel really selfish

As for not being married yet, theres lots of reasons, it seems like we have had a lot of bad luck, with losing jobs and getting new jobs with less pay, bills rising etc.

I dont like "fuss" and would be happy enough to get married in a registrar office, he is fine with this as well from what he has said, I also dont want an expensive ring (im funny with jewellry!) he has got it in his head that if he buys me a ring and asks me then we must get married right away where as I am happy to be engaged for a few years, he doesnt really see a point in being engaged he would rather just get married.

I think I am answering my own question now lol..

I know it's really hard to have the whole story on these forums, but I do at least feel comfortable saying that I don't like what I've read so far. I didn't want a big wedding or "fuss" - we eloped. I don't know where you live now, but in many places you can literally be married for less than $50 at the courthouse. Lots of people get married without jewelry or with just a simple plain band. You've been living together for 7 years. Nothing would change in your relationship other than you'd be officially legally bound to each other, which may be his hang-up.

I am already married but I read these LIW threads and I'm always surprised at how hard some women have to try to "convince" their SO's to get married. I guess I just don't feel it should have to be a struggle. With my husband, it was just a logical progression - we've been dating, things are great, we moved in, things were great, we'll get married. It gets said over and over on these boards and it's absolutely true: when a man wants something, he'll do whatever he can to get it. If he wanted to be married, you would be married by now

 

[iheartscience]

After 9 years and no marriage I'd say he maybe isn't as committed as you'd like him to be. I understand circumstances get in the way but if you don't want an expensive ring or a big wedding I can't imagine what's holding him back, other than him not wanting to get married. If I were you I'd just move, take the job, and see if he follows soon after. If he doesn't, I think you've got your answer.

 

[sonnyjane]

If I were you I'd just move, take the job, and see if he follows soon after. If he doesn't, I think you've got your answer.

Exactly!

 

[Amys Bling]

If I were you I'd just move, take the job, and see if he follows soon after. If he doesn't, I think you've got your answer.

Exactly!

ditto. at a certain point you need to take the step forward- and hopefully he will step up with you and make some grand gesture.

 

[Pandora II]

Ditto.

I have a nasty feeling that he's not that committed if it doesn't suit him.

The Irish economy is up the creek and house-prices dropped like the proverbial brick so he's living in la-la land if he thinks he'll make what he would have done a few years ago.

You mentioned that he has family - do you mean family as in his parents, uncles, aunts etc or do you mean he has kids or something from a previous relationship?

If he's not prepared to put you first after all this time - particularly if he can get a job transfer etc - then you're better off without him.

 

[bee*]

I have a nasty feeling that he's not that committed if it doesn't suit him.

The Irish economy is up the creek and house-prices dropped like the proverbial brick so he's living in la-la land if he thinks he'll make what he would have done a few years ago.

Agree with both of these points. I'm Irish and he definitely has his head in the clouds if he's not reducing the price more on his house. If he wants to sell it, that's what he'll have to do as a house is only worth what someone will pay. I'd go ahead with your career and see what happens-you'll soon see if he is committed to making it work.

 

[TwinkleStar]

Hi tunguska! I'm so sorry you're going through this, and unfortunately, I don't think there is a clear-cut answer.

In general, most of my guy friends are very practical-minded. They like to have the financial aspects in their life as secure as possible before committing to what can be a big financial investment - ring, wedding, honeymoon, house. Even though you don't need the above to be big-ticket items, it sounds like it would weigh heavily on his mind if he didn't get his house in order.

That said, it's important to remember that you come first and that you need to make the best decision for you. No one else (except your family) will look out for you except you. In this case, that's making the right career move so that you can continue to move onwards and upwards.

It's also important to remember that some guys are never going to be the marrying type. Not saying that this is your man, but as I've met more people in the world, this is way more prevalent than I had ever thought. One of my good friends is in a great relationship and has said he wants to marry her but privately, he's expressed concerns that when push comes to shove, he loves her and it's not that he's scared about marrying her, he's scared he doesn't want to marry *anyone*, period. Luckily, so far she seems like she doesn't care one way or the other, but that can always change. Some guys will think they want to get married, but when given the choice to act on it, they don't.

Again, I'm not saying this is your guy, but please do keep the lines of communication open, and always do what's best for you.

 

[Winks_Elf]

You've been living together for 7 years already...aren't you considered his commonlaw wife?

 

[bee*]

You've been living together for 7 years already...aren't you considered his commonlaw wife?

It's not recognised in Ireland although I think they're bringing in new legislation at the moment.

http://www.lawplus.ie/Cohabitation_Agreements.cohabitationagreeme.0.html

 

[TooPatient]

My gut tells me that the ladies who have already posted are correct -- take the new job and move. You talked to him first, he agreed, now he needs to be realistic about the current economy. Maybe your moving will be enough to convince him to sell the house for what it will get now (instead of what it could have several years ago) and if that isn't enough..... you're better off without him.

To be fair to him, I do understand why he doesn't want to rent. My grandparents had a renter trash a house. Oh.... and the renter protections around here meant that EVERY time she had a "problem" with the house, they had to drop everything and "correct" it NOW.
Leaving it vacant is a bad idea too -- there is a lot around the house that needs to be used and maintained. Little stuff you never would think of that can break because it isn't used. If left vacant but cared for by a friend/family/etc, there would be the added expense of utilities (have to heat/cool or it can ruin flooring and more) and potentially gardening and house-cleaning expenses.

I also see his point on not wanting to live with your mom. (If FI and I were going to move to CA, I'd probably agree that we should stay with his mom until we found a place we liked and could afford --- then I'd think about it and say NO WAY )


Is this some sort of an emotional thing for him? What I mean is that if he worked hard to buy that house and put his money into it then he may see selling it for less than whatever number is in his head as throwing away all of that work/money. (bad explanation, but we've got a friend who is going through this right now and a difference of some smallish amount REALLY matters to him - not because of the money itself, but because of what it symbolizes to him)

 

[amc80]

Nine years. 9. That's a pretty big number. I can understand putting off marriage due to temporary circumstances, over, say, a year or two. But 9? If he wanted to be married, you would be married right now. Please, do what you need to do. Move and live with your mom, start your new job. If being with you is what he wants, he will figure out a way to make it happen. Whether that means getting a renter, dropping the price, whatever.

 

[AmeliaG]

My gut tells me he's sticking and being obstinate for some unknown reason. If he wants to sell the house, there is no good reason to ignore an estate agent's advice after the house been on the market for a year. If he doesn't like how the current estate agent is handling things (and so he's not considering their advice), he can move on to another estate agent. It just looks like he's not motivated to sell; what that means for your relationship, I don't know, but if you've made it clear that its a dealbreaker for you, then I think he's trying to tell you something.

 

[Miss Sparkly]

You've been living together for 7 years already...aren't you considered his commonlaw wife?

I've always wondered about commonlaw marriage...so I googled it!

Two of the requirements are that you have to present yourself as a married couple and you have to intend to get married. Now I'm more confused Why wouldn't somebody marry if these two are present? (I guess finances could be one reason)

I'm sorry to hear of your struggle OP. I have no good advice to that

 

[DivaDiamond007]

I suddenly feel really selfish

As for not being married yet, theres lots of reasons, it seems like we have had a lot of bad luck, with losing jobs and getting new jobs with less pay, bills rising etc.

I dont like "fuss" and would be happy enough to get married in a registrar office, he is fine with this as well from what he has said, I also dont want an expensive ring (im funny with jewellry!) he has got it in his head that if he buys me a ring and asks me then we must get married right away where as I am happy to be engaged for a few years, he doesnt really see a point in being engaged he would rather just get married.

I think I am answering my own question now lol..

I know it's really hard to have the whole story on these forums, but I do at least feel comfortable saying that I don't like what I've read so far. I didn't want a big wedding or "fuss" - we eloped. I don't know where you live now, but in many places you can literally be married for less than $50 at the courthouse. Lots of people get married without jewelry or with just a simple plain band. You've been living together for 7 years. Nothing would change in your relationship other than you'd be officially legally bound to each other, which may be his hang-up.

I am already married but I read these LIW threads and I'm always surprised at how hard some women have to try to "convince" their SO's to get married. I guess I just don't feel it should have to be a struggle. With my husband, it was just a logical progression - we've been dating, things are great, we moved in, things were great, we'll get married. It gets said over and over on these boards and it's absolutely true: when a man wants something, he'll do whatever he can to get it. If he wanted to be married, you would be married by now

+1 sonnyjane. If he wanted to marry you he would have by now. Move in with your mother, enjoy your new job and stop wasting your time.

I've been married 6 years and lurk around these parts of PS and also don't get why so many seemingly intelligent women are just sitting on their arses waiting around for years and years and years. He's. Just. Not. That. Into. You.