Is it okay?

[Loveitroundbrilliant]

So my bf and i have been dating over 4 years now, we met while we were in high-school. We are both 23, i am in grad school and he has been a mechanic for almost 3 years now. All of my friends are getting engaged and married and some are having kids. Is it okay to be frustrated/mad when i have to go to these wedding showers and congratulate my friends on their engagement? I am really waiting patiently now, but sometimes i just get so frustrated he hasn''t proposed yet. We have been talking about it and he said it will come before next spring...that is a whole year! I guess i can wait, but is it okay to be this anxious/upset? I feel like i have waited long enough

 

[HappyNewLife]

I know you probably don''t want to hear this, but you''re really young, what''s the rush? I imagine it''s hard to wait because you''ve been with him for 4 years and you''re ready for the next step in your relationship. I totally get that, but even if you were 24 when you got engaged you''d still be such a young bride. And you''ll be a young mother even if you waited a few years to have kids. I''m sorry you''re getting upset about it. I do hope you''re able to be enthusiastic for your friends. Your time will come, and soon! Don''t let negative thoughts cloud this time in your life-- you have a lot to be excited about! *hugs*

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 5/5/2010 9:19:29 AM
Author:Loveitroundbrilliant
So my bf and i have been dating over 4 years now, we met while we were in high-school. We are both 23, i am in grad school and he has been a mechanic for almost 3 years now. All of my friends are getting engaged and married and some are having kids. Is it okay to be frustrated/mad when i have to go to these wedding showers and congratulate my friends on their engagement? I am really waiting patiently now, but sometimes i just get so frustrated he hasn't proposed yet. We have been talking about it and he said it will come before next spring...that is a whole year! I guess i can wait, but is it okay to be this anxious/upset? I feel like i have waited long enough

Well, I am not one to tell you your feelings are wrong. Obviously you feel the way you do regardless of what anyone else says! I do think feeling *mad*, *angry* or *upset* are not exactly healthy reactions to these situations though, or towards your own.

I would encourage you to explore why you DO feel and react this way though. I do think it is a bit unhealthy to get this anxious and upset in this situation. EVERY relationship is different and EVERY life is different. Just because your peers are getting married does not mean it is right for you or your relationship yet. Relationships are NOT a competition - and marriage/children is not the finish line. Life just does not work that way! Nor is marriage something that is "earned" by spending a certain amount of time together. A healthy marriage just does not work that way! And you are both still young, I assume have a good relationship, what is the rush to be married? What do you expect to be different once you are married?

Gosh, I did not get married until I was 30 (and will not be having children for a while yet) and plenty of my peers married (some have even divorced!) before I ever got married. If I got caught up in what everyone else was doing, rather than just appreciated my life and where I was at, I can only imagine how stressed out I would have been. Not to say I did not have many long term relationships, I did, but there were reasons we did not get married and I did not meet my husband until I was 29. I would not change a thing about the path I have taken!

If it is affecting your life negatively, and your relationship, I would even recommend talking to a professional about where this anxiety is coming from.

Do you trust your SO when he says he wants to marry you? If so, then just relax and ENJOY things day by day and enjoy THIS time in your relationship. If in another year you are not still talking about marriage and he seems to be pushing the time line further back, then re-evaluate. If you don't, then things are a bit deeper and you need to explore them.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 5/5/2010 9:19:29 AM
Author:Loveitroundbrilliant
So my bf and i have been dating over 4 years now, we met while we were in high-school. We are both 23, i am in grad school and he has been a mechanic for almost 3 years now. All of my friends are getting engaged and married and some are having kids. Is it okay to be frustrated/mad when i have to go to these wedding showers and congratulate my friends on their engagement? I am really waiting patiently now, but sometimes i just get so frustrated he hasn''t proposed yet. We have been talking about it and he said it will come before next spring...that is a whole year! I guess i can wait, but is it okay to be this anxious/upset? I feel like i have waited long enough

Hi Loveit:

When you talk about engagement and marriage with your boyfriend, what is his feeling on it? Does he feel ready? Why the timeline of next spring?

I won''t preach to you about being young and wanting to get married, I am younger than you and married. However, what type of lifestyle are you guys living right now? Do you live together? Do you both live at home?

I think a common thinking pattern of guys is that they want to wait until they feel settled careerwise, financially, etc. This may be a factor that''s playing into your current situation.

 

[LadyJane83]

I think the jealousy and anxiety are totally normal reactions to your friends getting engaged. It is ok to feel this way. A lot of people felt this way before they got married/engaged, and a lot of people waiting to get engaged feel this way now. Personally, when my SO and I were heavy into discussions about marriage, one of my friends got engaged. Even though I knew it was ridiculous, I cried b/c I felt like I couldn''t truly be happy for her because I wasn''t where I wanted to be in my life.

BUT that is not to say that they are healthy reactions. I think you have gotten some good advice here about trying to figure out why you are feeling jealous and how to live your life and view your relationship in a positive way. Negative emotions can feed off each other and really have a harmful impact on your life and relationship. Sometimes we need to just take a step back and enjoy our relationships as they are, and try to sort of live in the moment. Also, if you are committed to each other, engagement doesn''t change anything . . . neither you nor your relationship will be any different.

 

[Nomsdeplume]

I think it''s a hundred percent normal to be jealous when your friends get engaged. Most people have probably experienced it at least once (even if they won''t admit it). I think the best thing to do is to take a step back to evaluate all the positives: He is willing to discuss it and set a timeline. You have a good, healthy relationship. You are still very young, and there''s PLENTY of time to get married. What''s the rush? You have your whole life to be married. You only get to enjoy this part of your relationship for a few years, and 5 years will seem like a blip after 20 years of marriage! So relax and enjoy it.
You can start stressing if the timeline comes and goes and it seems like he is not keen to marry you.
Good luck!

 

[HopeDream]

Hi Loveitroundbrilliant, Have you added your name to the list? Seeing your progress up the list will definately help pass the time. A bunch of my friends are have gotten married/engaged, and I know what that social pressure is like. At the social events try to enjoy the company of the people there, and make notes about what you like and dislike for when your time comes. To pass the time, start saving for, and finding the perfect engagement gift for your Fiance, and start saving for your wedding dress because those are Expensive!. You know the potential end date, so make a countdown calendar and enjoy crossing off the days. You could write down one reason you love him for every day you wait in a little book, and then giveit to him after your proposal (If you think he'd like that kind of thing)

Feel free to talk to us any time - we're here for you .

 

[Indylady]

I understand where you are coming from, but I think there are much better ways of dealing with this stress than getting frustrated or unhappy. Think about what you can do for yourself. Waiting is frustrating, and makes you feel helpless. I spent a lot of this last year waiting; waiting for law schools, waiting for the Fulbright, and of course waiting as a LIW. And I''ve had the same reactions; basically, feeling sour because it seemed everyone else had their life figured out, and that I hadn''t. My friend''s boyfriend actually came on PS and found her a lovely WF solitare princess cut in a legato. When he tried to show her the SMTR thread (he had also posted proposal shots! so sweet), she said, "Honey, I really just don''t care...." You can imagine my face.

She knows nothing about diamonds, and just mentioned solitare princess cut to him. He found her an AGS 0 princess cut...and she doesn''t care? He did his homework, learned about flouro, saved his pennies..and she just didn''t care? Bahhh.

Next though, I want to share a comment that I posted earlier this year, that really helped me and I''m hoping will help you too:

I called my dad once recently because I was upset my friends were getting engaged and I wasn''t (my dad is amazing by the way! ) And you know what he told me? He said, "That is foolish! What you are thinking is foolish." He went on to tell me that while I''m single, I have the world at my feet, I''m un-tied and I can pursue anything I want. He explained that while marriage is amazing in its own right, you can''t go back to the single life of a 20 something year old. He told me that my mom was offered a full scholarship to pursue a MBA at Boston University, and she didn''t take it because she was a newlywed and didn''t want to move away from my father in Connecticut. My face was

because I''d never heard that story before. He told me that marriage will come, and basically, once it comes, its not goin'' away! Hehe. So, he told me to take my time, do all that I wanted whenever and however I want to while I''m still living this part of my life. He told me that I have lots to be thankful for (which I do!) and to be thankful for it while I''m living it. It was great advice, and I felt great after hearing it. So now, I''m out on lunch-dates with girlfriends, late night study sessions with the roomies, breakfast for dinner at 11pm (aka, when I feel like it) and basically enjoying myself and my life, oh, and really pushing it in school too.

I still feel a little pang here and there when I''m watching a bridal show, but, hey, I have so much to be thankful, and you do too. I have someone to love that loves me back, and finding that person and that relationship was the biggest miracle of all.

/End quote

 

[beezygal]

I'm 25 and I've been with my bf for almost 6 years this July. I wanted to get engaged 1-2 years ago... which is at around your age now. I think I wanted to get engaged so young because we've been in a relationship for a few years. Since we know we'll get married on day, I feel like.. it is the right thing to do... to move to the next step of the relationship. Maybe you are like me too? so... I totally understand your feeling. I also get frustrated/upset when I know people getting engaged and having kids. Before, my bf was ready to get engaged (finally.. he's ready this year), I'll get upset and cry when I hear ppl get engaged.

 

[getting excited]

I know how you feel. I am 26 and have been with my boyfriend almost four years. I thought I was ready to marry him about two years ago. I had a ton of friends getting engaged and married and it made me feel like my boyfriend did not "love me" enough to get married. I would get so upset and it caused many, many fights with us. BUT, fast forward two years and I am SO happy we didn''t get married yet. We have grown so much as a couple in the last few years and now I feel like we really are ready to take that step. You really cannot move forward if both people aren''t ready. Sometimes it just takes people longer than others.

It is ok to feel sad and upset, but I would really encourage you not to focus on it. I regret bringing it up and causing so many fights with the boyfriend. Try and think of all the reasons you love being with him.

 

[beezygal]

Date: 5/5/2010 2:13:53 PM
Author: getting excited
I know how you feel. I am 26 and have been with my boyfriend almost four years. I thought I was ready to marry him about two years ago. I had a ton of friends getting engaged and married and it made me feel like my boyfriend did not 'love me' enough to get married. I would get so upset and it caused many, many fights with us. BUT, fast forward two years and I am SO happy we didn't get married yet. We have grown so much as a couple in the last few years and now I feel like we really are ready to take that step. You really cannot move forward if both people aren't ready. Sometimes it just takes people longer than others.

It is ok to feel sad and upset, but I would really encourage you not to focus on it. I regret bringing it up and causing so many fights with the boyfriend. Try and think of all the reasons you love being with him.

I totally DITTO getting excited... I too had many fights with my bf.. and last year we broke up. Then he realized he loves me too much to let go.... and.. from that on, I promised not to nag him about getting married. It was too painful knowing that I've almost lost him. After that, I decided to just let things go... let him be ready... and finally.. he's ready this year. You really can't push.

 

[getting excited]

No you really can''t push and you really don''t want to! that is what I learned. I could probably either push and push and push and he would either give in or break up with me. Why would I want someone to propose to me just because I pushed him to do it? I want him to propose because he can''t imagine his life without me.

If you push them into proposing, they may never realize it was what they really wanted to begin with and end up resenting you later.

 

[merilenda]

My experiences are a LOT like getting excited''s story. I''m also 26 and have been with my BF for about 3 years. I''ve caused my fair share of fights over it in the past, too. It IS difficult sometimes to see a lot of people around you getting engaged/married while you''re still waiting. But I''m realizing now that there''s a middle ground here. It wasn''t productive or healthy for me to cause fights and get depressed about it. At the same time, I DID need to know where he stood on the issue.

We''re not engaged yet, but I''ve relaxed about it a lot since really talking it over with him and knowing that we''re on the same page. Even though a lot of your friends are getting engaged, maybe they''re in more stable situations? You mentioned that you''re in grad school, so maybe he''s wanting to feel a bit more financially secure before buying a ring/proposing?

 

[Loveitroundbrilliant]

Oh Ladies

I love all of you! I just got home from work and i ran to my computer I love my bf (donny) he really is the most important thing in the world to me. We have only talked about getting engaged a couple of times becuase i don''t want to rush him into anything. He has said that he is ready to take that next step in about a year, which i respect. We don''t live together right now becuase he works about 12 hours a day, (the graveyard shift) so we would never see eachother. He is supposed to be getting the day shift sometime this coming fall, and talked about getting a house I am really excited for that, i guess i just picture myself so badly being married to him i am kinda obsessing over it. Donny has always been that knight in shinning armor, a great listener and wonderful companion. I guess some of this anxiousness is steaming from the fact that i never get to see him during the week, haha maybe? I just miss him like crazy, we are both kinda going nuts over it.
I know that i want to spend the rest of my life with him, and honestly all the of the life i have left to live, i want to do it with him. I know that some people don''t want to get married until they are older, but i live by the rule my grandfather says "If you love someone, spend every moment with them, every second, minute hour and day." I am just happy that we have never fought over any of this engagment business, i am just struggling with it myself. I guess it is all of my friends getting engaged and married that throws me for a loop. Ah ladies if you got through that mess of thoughts i love ya

 

[Grlsbestfrnd]

I''m in the same boat as you in that all of my friends are getting engaged or are already married and a lot of them have kids. In fact, my last set of friends that are in a relationship are getting engaged soon. I know this because... he asked me to help him pick out the ring, ouch. It''s okay though because I get to have the fun of searching for the perfect diamond lol. Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 6 years and he hasn''t even given me a time frame for when he''ll ask. I know how frustrated you are, i''m with you!

It''s understandable to not feel so great when you have to hear about and see all these people around you getting engaged and married when you have to wait. I think what your feeling is more anxious than anything.

Just remember that when it does happen it''s gonna be special and one of the greatest moments of your life so just be happy for everyone else and enjoy your time being single!

P.S. it''s possible that he said next spring to throw you off so you''ll be surprised when he asks you, maybe it''ll be soon!