Is it okay to flirt or hit on a married person?

[jaysonsmom]

Before I got married, I had lots of friends male and female....but noticed that I have stopped hanging out with a lot of my male friends because they have said some things which made me uncomfortable, even though they know I've been happily married for 15 years. I've kept in touch with "friends" on Facebook only, and keep my distance. There are a few offenders at work too, which I have no idea how to deal with! So here are some of the things these so-called friends have said:
1) one asked on Facebook: if you were not married right now, would you have accepted a dinner date with me?
2) an old friend from middle school confessed he had the biggest crush and asked if he "swooped in" and kissed me, what would I have done?
3) a guy at work constantly tells me my husband is a lucky guy, he wishes he were my hubby, or make references wanting
To find a girl "just like me"
4)Another guy keeps asking why I don't go to lunch with him and o my hang out with my gal pals at work. He never invites
other people, only me, and when passing my office he'd stick his head in and ask "miss me"?

I think I'm a prude, and I'm not flattered by these comments. They make me uncomfortable. When I told dh, he blew a gasket and told me that I had to be a b&#@h and tell these guys off once and for all! Is he right? Are these behaviors harmless in your opinion? Should I shrug it off, or do something about it? Take action about the 2 guys at work?

 

[monarch64]

It's not ok for people to say things like that, knowing you are married (whether happily or not, which is none of their business anyway). It's not harmless behavior. It's very selfish and done with the intent of either making you uncomfortable/getting a rise out of you or/and bolstering their own egos. Yuck. I would unfriend the FB "friends" for those comments (and message them to say you find their comments inappropriate and distasteful and that you are no longer interested in maintaining a friendship), and sternly say to your office mate that his invitations are not welcome and you want him to stop.

If this were happening to your husband, what would your reaction be?

 

[CJ2008]

If it makes you uncomfortable, they shouldn't do it.

I would tell them that you know they probably don't mean any harm, but that it makes you feel uncomfortable, and that you'd like them to stop the comments.

 

[Karl_K]

1) one asked on Facebook: if you were not married right now, would you have accepted a dinner date with me?
That is just rude! Tell him not if you were the last person on earth and don't ask again or I will tell my husband.
2) an old friend from middle school confessed he had the biggest crush and asked if he "swooped in" and kissed me, what would I have done? meh, as long as it is not all the time its just someone being historical
3) a guy at work constantly tells me my husband is a lucky guy, he wishes he were my hubby, or make references wanting
To find a girl "just like me" I know a few people like this and its annoying but for the most part harmless. They think they are being nice. Your husband should tell him to knock it off and that would likely be the end of it.
4)Another guy keeps asking why I don't go to lunch with him and o my hang out with my gal pals at work. He never invites
other people, only me, and when passing my office he'd stick his head in and ask "miss me"?That is clearly harassment and illegal.

 

[sonnyjane]

I have to say... I am an attractive, smart, funny person, but at work, I've NEVER received comments like that. I receive them from strangers at the bar, but I've worked with a lot of guys and have never had comments that are that direct. Are you sure you're not in some way misleading them? When they make those comments, what's your reaction?

 

[missy]

Not OK at all. Especially because they make you uncomfortable. I would not be OK with those comments either and I would also feel it was disrespectful to me and my dh. I was in the reverse boat a few years ago. An ex coworker of my dh's was flirting with him via email and I was furious. My dh no longer has any communication with her.

Comments like that in the workplace constitute sexual harassment IMO and unwanted comments like that anywhere else is just as unacceptable. Disrespectful to both partners.

Don't get me wrong. I love compliments as long as they don't cross the line.

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

#2 guy is harmless. Hes only telling you he had a crush on you in middle school. What makes you uncomfortable about that?
If he keeps telling you the same thing then I would wonder about his intelligence.

The two from work are more of a problem. I think you should say something to them, firm but not over the top either. Think of some good expressions to use. Not kidding around words, but serious, so they know you are annoyed at it.

I forgot what # 1. was

Annette

 

[jaysonsmom]

I have to say... I am an attractive, smart, funny person, but at work, I've NEVER received comments like that. I receive them from strangers at the bar, but I've worked with a lot of guys and have never had comments that are that direct. Are you sure you're not in some way misleading them? When they make those comments, what's your reaction?

I don't think I'm misleading my coworkers. I have pictures of my entire family in my office, so they clearly know I'm married with Kidd. I also think I'm what people call "reserved", not flirtatious nor do I dress provocatively (Think Ann Taylor) type wardrobe. Both of these guys at my peers, we are all managerial level, and we are not each other's boss or subordinate, so they probably think it's okay to talk like that to me. Sometimes I wonder it is a race thing, I'm Asian, and a lot of movies portray Asian women as subordinate, "love you long time" sex kittens.....!

 

[jaysonsmom]

Yes, I'm definitely more uncomfortable with the coworker situations. I have told a another female friend at work about my discomfort, and she told me I should report it to HR, but I don't want to destroy people's reputation/career if these guys are think nothing of their flippant comments. That is my problem, I'm too "nice" and cannot just tell them to get th _$@# out, and storm to HR. That is why dh told me to be a b----- , which is so hard for me. I just try to avoid them as much a possible, hence getting more of the "miss me?" remarks.

 

[madelise]

I flirt with everyone, man or woman. I don't mean it to be creepy or serious. I joke around quite often.


However, your examples are quite... hm. I may feel uncomfortable. The thing is, it doesn't matter what anyone else's opinion is. If you feel uncomfortable, go ahead and don't bother with the niceness, and just tell them, "Hey, that makes me feel uncomfortable. I like being your friend/acquaintance/coworker, but if you continue to make me feel uncomfortable, I will change my mind." You're not a prude. And it's not a bitchy thing to say something about your discomfort. THEY chose to try and push your buttons. You have every right to at least push it back to neutral.

 

[perry]

Guy's see things and operate differently than Gal's. As a guy here is my take on this...(I am also a person who believes that the truth almost always is the best - and works out the best long term).

1) one asked on Facebook: if you were not married right now, would you have accepted a dinner date with me?
This is more likely to be relatively harmless than not. I suggest a truthful answer (yes, perhaps, no), followed by something along the line (if the answer is not a clear "no): "but, I am happily married now and have no interest in anyone else now." Some guys just want to know - and will be quite satisfied with an answer that yes or perhaps you would have been interested in a guy like him even if you are no longer available. They need the confirmation that they are a decent guy and are looking for confirmation that they could appeal to someone like you. By the way, this question is much more likely a compliment towards you than anything else.

2) an old friend from middle school confessed he had the biggest crush and asked if he "swooped in" and kissed me, what would I have done?
Likely harmless. I too have my list of gals I had a crush on. I think it speaks well of you that someone is willing to be honest to you about how they used to feel. A truthful answer will do.

In the above two cases - a truthful answer may well allow these men to become decent platonic friends. Just by their question they know that you are married and likely out of bounds.

3) a guy at work constantly tells me my husband is a lucky guy, he wishes he were my hubby, or make references wanting
To find a girl "just like me"
Probably harmless- but a little more caution is warranted. 1st, tell him thanks for the complement. 2nd tell him what you would think of him if you were not married (I would have been interested, perhaps, doubtful, no way): 3rd (if not "no way") but, I am happily married and have no interest now. 4th (and very important) ask him that why doesn't he hang out or become involved in ______ or ______ where he could meet other ladies similar to you; with a finishing statement of either "and that is all I can help you with" or 'let me know how it goes' if he is decent and you want to come across as trying to help him. Several other married woman tried to help me find a match - and I will always appreciate their efforts even though nothing worked out.

4)Another guy keeps asking why I don't go to lunch with him and o my hang out with my gal pals at work. He never invites
other people, only me, and when passing my office he'd stick his head in and ask "miss me"?

Trouble with a capital T: In my opinion this person IS sexually interested in you and does not care that you are married (or specifically wants you because you are married): and furthermore is not interested in a normal friendship with you.

A blunt and direct conversation is called for and perhaps reporting to HR - especially if this does not end after the blunt conversation (are there any job repercussions due to his position - as unfair as it is sometimes you cannot win).

Have a great day,

Perry

 

[jaysonsmom]

First of all, I apologize for all the typos, the stupid auto-correct on my kindle makes it difficult to spell correctly, and I appreciate all the opinions, even if I don't respond to each individually!

Missy: I've been on both ends too, I have female friends who flirt with dh in front of me, and tell me he's a keeper! with a squeeze on his biceps and a wink to me ?!?!?

are some people just naturally over the top flirtatious?

 

[perry]

I have to say... I am an attractive, smart, funny person, but at work, I've NEVER received comments like that. I receive them from strangers at the bar, but I've worked with a lot of guys and have never had comments that are that direct. Are you sure you're not in some way misleading them? When they make those comments, what's your reaction?

I don't think I'm misleading my coworkers. I have pictures of my entire family in my office, so they clearly know I'm married with Kidd. I also think I'm what people call "reserved", not flirtatious nor do I dress provocatively (Think Ann Taylor) type wardrobe. Both of these guys at my peers, we are all managerial level, and we are not each other's boss or subordinate, so they probably think it's okay to talk like that to me. Sometimes I wonder it is a race thing, I'm Asian, and a lot of movies portray Asian women as subordinate, "love you long time" sex kittens.....!

I accept that you are not trying to come off in any kind of flirtatious way. But, any satisfied happy woman naturally exhibits behaviours that some men find attractive. Their is a similar effect of satisfied happy men on many woman. Key difference is that men and woman are different and respond differently to the same things. There can be cultural differences as well.

I do not believe there is anything wrong with any woman from being somewhat flirtatious as that often indicates self confidence. It is the other person who finds that attractive to respond in an appropriate responsible way.

Life is worth living if you do it right,

Perry

 

[TooPatient]

It's not ok for people to say things like that, knowing you are married (whether happily or not, which is none of their business anyway). It's not harmless behavior. It's very selfish and done with the intent of either making you uncomfortable/getting a rise out of you or/and bolstering their own egos. Yuck. I would unfriend the FB "friends" for those comments (and message them to say you find their comments inappropriate and distasteful and that you are no longer interested in maintaining a friendship), and sternly say to your office mate that his invitations are not welcome and you want him to stop.

If this were happening to your husband, what would your reaction be?

This.

Especially the last -- How would you want your DH to respond in a similar situation if a comment was made to him? Would you be okay with him continuing friendships with women who constantly flirted with him in those ways? Men have feelings too and you need to respond as you'd hope he would respond. Put him and your relationship first. If any of these guys can respect him and your marriage, maybe try to save the friendship otherwise say goodbye and find friends who will.

 

[JewelFreak]

Perry, thanks -- it's always enlightening to hear how things look from the male side. Don't get that aspect enough.

I pretty much agree with Perry's attitude on your points. On your idea, the last guy, though, makes me wonder about professional jealousy rather than your being Asian. He might see you as a threat to his own advancement -- as in, your receiving a promotion, praise, respect, etc., -- instead of him. Treating you as he does is a nimrod way of demeaning you -- both in how you feel and in demonstrating to others how he sees you, as a "girl" first, professional colleague very second. Or he could just be a total jerk, lol. I would say to him, firmly but without nastiness, "Hey Ambrose, I'm NOT going to lunch with you. For future reference, I DON'T miss you. Knock that stuff off; it's annoying me." Thereafter treat him with strict professional courtesy as usual.

I hate the "that makes me uncomfortable" reaction -- it reeks of victimhood. We helpless women need protection from being uncomfortable. Bull. You are not a victim. You are an adult with the same or better skills as he has & are paid to use them. We can stand up for ourselves. Tell him in the same way you'd admonish your kid to stop behaving like a dope.

--- Laurie

 

[movie zombie]

I have to say... I am an attractive, smart, funny person, but at work, I've NEVER received comments like that. I receive them from strangers at the bar, but I've worked with a lot of guys and have never had comments that are that direct. Are you sure you're not in some way misleading them? When they make those comments, what's your reaction?

I'm with sonny: too many comments from too many different situations....not an isolated event which suggests there is something in the interaction that says this is ok, encourages it, or rewards the behavior of these men. time for some reflection and perhaps even assertive responses such as "I've told you many times I'm not interested in having lunch with you. if you ask again i'll assume you don't respect me and i'll be going to HR." however, please really look at your own responses previously before you escalate to my example........

I've seen women in the work place who think they are only being friendly, not trying to hurt feelings, etc. they come across as being available............

 

[distracts]

My husband and I flirt with people all the time. Married, unmarried, opposite sex, same sex, whatever, we're just flirty people. Flirting is fun, it doesn't have to MEAN anything other than having a fun social interaction. When I flirt with people, it doesn't mean I'm trying to get in their pants. I'm not. If they seem to be taking it that way, I stop. But most of our friends are also flirty people so everyone flirts with everyone else.

With that said... your examples are not really flirting? They are definitely more like advances. Like, they are actively trying to do something. That definitely makes me uncomfortable. I think Perry has the best explanation of them, what I was thinking is basically what he wrote.

I also agree that with this many examples of this, I wonder if your behavior is contributing. I think I'm very flirtatious but no one who knows me has done any of these things when I was in a relationship, ever. I get advances from strangers, but never acquaintances or coworkers. Of course, you could just know people who are bad at understanding boundaries!

 

[momhappy]

I think that flirting and hitting on someone are two completely different things. I think that to some extent, a bit of flirting is normal (married or unmarried). If we are talking about hitting on someone, to me, that implies a behavior or action with a specific intent (like to ask someone out for example). Based on the examples you've provided, it seems like most of these guys are engaging in harmless flirting (except maybe the guy asking you to lunch if you are 100% certain that he doesn't do this with any other women). They know that you are married and I seriously doubt that they think that they are going to talk you into a divorce and into their beds, but I suppose anything is possible. They could be "testing the waters" to see if you would stray (for a fling, etc.). If it it truly makes you uncomfortable, then you should address it. If you do nothing, then they will continue to think that their behavior is okay and it will likely continue. I have simply said to guys, "I am happily married" which basically means that they need to back off because I wasn't interested. Personally, I don't see any major red flags here, but again, if it's making you uncomfortable, then address it. I think that a little flirting is normal (married or unmarried). Even married people like a little validation every once in a while that they can still be appealing, exciting, sexy, attractive, etc.

 

[CJ2008]

I'm too "nice" and cannot just tell them to get th _$@# out, and storm to HR. That is why dh told me to be a b----- , which is so hard for me. I just try to avoid them as much a possible, hence getting more of the "miss me?" remarks.

I'm the same way jaysonsmom, that's why I suggested a less confrontational, but direct, approach. I feel like some of the other approaches are much stronger and you have every "right" to approach them in that way (especially the ones with your co-workers) but I think by being clear and asking them to stop, that's a start, and if they don't respect the direct "STOP" it will be much easier for you to confront them/escalate it/be a b-----.

 

[kenny]

It depends.

Most married people took vows of monogamy.
Others marry for tax, immigration or other reasons.

 

[JewelFreak]

The first examples sound to me like simple flirting, no intention of getting anything.

How do you react to the last guy, the one in your office? Do you smile or giggle or laugh it off? That may be encouraging him, if he's an insensitive dolt. It's also what we do in school or at parties with boyfriends & their friends. Not in the workplace when we're grown up, doesn't work well.

Men tell other men to cut it out if they keep making annoying jokes, etc. Be the same way -- direct. I'd tell him, as I said before, to knock it off -- or, showing no humor at all, answer, "In your dreams. Go away."

--- Laurie

 

[momhappy]

I also have to agree with the others who have suggested that you )OP) may want to consider your role in all of this. You may be sending signals and/or responding in some ways that sends the message that it's somehow okay to act that way around you. I tend to smile/laugh when I am in uncomfortable situations and in a flirting scenario, that could come off as expressing interest.
Since you have mentioned that it makes you and your DH uncomfortable, it sounds like it's time to respond more appropriately. By doing nothing, you're allowing the behaviors to continue. Tell them that you're happily married, not interested, and move on with life.

 

[crown1]

They sound like creepers. Just say no and freeze them out. They enjoy making you uncomfortable. Don't play their game. Getting bent out of shape is unnecessary, just freeze them out.

 

[Kaleigh]

I also have to agree with the others who have suggested that you )OP) may want to consider your role in all of this. You may be sending signals and/or responding in some ways that sends the message that it's somehow okay to act that way around you. I tend to smile/laugh when I am in uncomfortable situations and in a flirting scenario, that could come off as expressing interest.
Since you have mentioned that it makes you and your DH uncomfortable, it sounds like it's time to respond more appropriately. By doing nothing, you're allowing the behaviors to continue. Tell them that you're happily married, not interested, and move on with life.

If I were you, I would say straight to their face. You are crossing big time boundaries here and am prepared to take this up with HR.

 

[justginger]

Count me in with the flirty crowd, I think. Like others have said, I have fun flirting, and my DH and I are on the same page about it all. I can only think of one situation that was a bit 'off,' which required my speaking up about, and it was someone new to my social group.

Honestly, none of the listed scenarios would make me too uncomfortable. I think the first one would be closest to discomfort, as they sound like they're coming from the angle of 'what if your marriage ended...' I actually do have a good male workmate/friend that I have lunch 'dates' with (when my husband is on a different break shift to me) so I don't think I can properly imagine the last scenario, the one that seems to bother the most other people. I'd be likely to answer, "Miss me?" with a sarcastic, "How did you know?" and rolled eyes. And then I'd forget about it.

However, if any of these scenarios bothers YOU, try to speak up. I know it's easier to 'go along to get along,' but It's your right to be comfortable in life.

 

[jaysonsmom]

When the guy asks me if I "missed" him, I usually respond: "I'm working, I don't think about anything but what I'm working on". It is not the best answer obviously, because he's not getting he fact that I want our relationship to be strictly professional. As for lunch invites, I tell him I have other plans. I guess both of these reactions are not sending the blatant "Leave me alone" signal, so I guess it is my fault. I'm just non confrontational. However, after hearing advice from all of you and also how I'd react if this were happening to my husband, I'm resolved to be more direct and leave nothing to misinterpretation. I'll tell him that I'm uncomfortable with his comments, I don't want a friendship only a working relationship, and will talk to HR if he persists wih the behavior.

As for the other guys... I feel like they are compliments to me to let me know I'm desirable, 'cos I'm a good mom, good wife, respected in my community and at work.... But the way they are expressed is just not comfortable for me, like I said, I may be a prude.

 

[movie zombie]

"miss me?"
"oh, yeah, just about as much as I regret having missed the Inquisition."
or something equally ridiculous.

or

"how can I miss you if you don't go away?!"

 

[CJ2008]

When the guy asks me if I "missed" him, I usually respond: "I'm working, I don't think about anything but what I'm working on".

Yeah, not direct enough at all...

if anything, it could be taken to imply you might miss him if you weren't working...

 

[missy]

First of all, I apologize for all the typos, the stupid auto-correct on my kindle makes it difficult to spell correctly, and I appreciate all the opinions, even if I don't respond to each individually!

Missy: I've been on both ends too, I have female friends who flirt with dh in front of me, and tell me he's a keeper! with a squeeze on his biceps and a wink to me ?!?!?

are some people just naturally over the top flirtatious?

I think when you're in the situation you know the difference b/w harmless flirting and over the top disrespectful behavior. Some people are more flirtatious than others and when it happens in front of you and your spouse that is probably innocent and OK. It's the behavior that happens just b/w the 2 of you that you are uncomfortable about and would feel uncomfortable about happening in front of your dh or that your dh wouldn't be happy about that you know is not OK.

And when the not OK flirting happens I make sure to make it clear that the behavior will not be tolerated. Either directly or indirectly. Whichever is more comfortable for you. Sometimes people like to test the boundaries and you need to make it clear for them what those boundaries are.

 

[CJ2008]

Either directly or indirectly. Whichever is more comfortable for you.

Normally, I'd say that too, Missy...

But this seems like it's an ongoing issue...

"When the guy asks me if I "missed" him, I usually respond: "I'm working, I don't think about anything but what I'm working on".

It just seems like indirect isn't working...