LiW is it okay for a lady to have a plan?

[aliciagirl]

Hi everyone! I''ve been nosing around on PS for quite some time, but this is my first post.

I''m a 21 year old pharmacy student. I will be graduating in a year and a half. BF is also a student (mechanical engineering) and will graduating in May. We''ve been discussing engagement/marriage probably the entire length of our relationship (it was true love, what can i say.

heh) but only recently has it begun to be serious talk. I moved out of my family''s house at 18, put myself through two years of undergrad on my own, and moved three states away for pharmacy school. I''m entirely independent financially and any other way.

I was recently discussing with a friend how BF and I are talking about marriage. I got the strangest reaction, to say the least. This friend said things like, "You''re the girl, how do you know when it''s going to happen? You''re supposed to wait until a proposal to even talk about it." "You don''t even know who you are, you''re supposed to start your career first and THEN get engaged." The last time I checked, there wasn''t any -one- way you were "supposed" to do any of this. BF and I have been best friends since we were 15, but only have been together for about a year and a half. We always liked each other when we were younger but we never got together. And I''m thankful for that, because we''ve both learned about what to do in relationships and what we want in relationships. And we were also both single for a long time before getting together, which I''m also thankful for because i DO know myself and what I want out of life. And I have to admit, I''ve done a pretty darn good job of making it happen so far - on my own. And so has he -- he is also totally financially independent of his family and also moved three states away after high school.

We''ve been in a long-distance relationship (long distance meaning Erie --> Cleveland, which is only around an hour), but we lived together for the summer. We''re planning to move in together when I start my rotations in the fall and hopefully get engaged as soon after he''s working to have the money to do so and be married as soon after I graduate that we can save enough money. Does it make me a crazy person for being so involved in the planning of all of this? We know each other in and out and really, I feel like the relationship that we have is a lot more stable than people I see that are already married.

We''re both very logical people. Very up front about finances and money and all the not so glamourous things that need to be talked about/agreed on before a marriage. My friend told me that I was "stipping the passion and romance out of marriage/engagement by being too logical about it."

I know I can''t be the only one out there going through this or we wouldn''t know we were "Ladies in Waiting." How do you guys reassure yourself that this is, ya know, the 21st century and we''re allowed to be this involved? I have to mention, my family and friends are from WV and there it is pretty untraditional to do things the way I am, but I don''t think that makes me wrong/crazy/selfish/unromantic.

 

[chocolatefudge]

Hi Alicia,
I don''t see any problem with being so involved. Knowing that you want to marry your bf and knowing that he too wants this some day is reassuring in my eyes. Maybe your friend is jealous?
I think having an element of surprise (for example not knowing exactly when he will propose or how) makes the whole thing more exciting BUT I think it is nice to know that it will happen one day.

Good luck to you

 

[aliciagirl]

Date: 11/9/2007 1:09:08 PM
Author: chocolatefudge
Hi Alicia,

I don''t see any problem with being so involved. Knowing that you want to marry your bf and knowing that he too wants this some day is reassuring in my eyes. Maybe your friend is jealous?

I think having an element of surprise (for example not knowing exactly when he will propose or how) makes the whole thing more exciting BUT I think it is nice to know that it will happen one day.


Good luck to you

I don''t think it''s that he''s jealous. It was a guy friend, making it even more strange. I just think people are either really old fashioned or really unrealistic. And yes, I agree about having an element of surprise. I know roughly when we would be engaged, but I would have no idea of the exact date. With life coming so fast, it''s impossible to just sit around waiting wondering when and if.

 

[tberube]

Last time I checked, the subject of marriage involved TWO people. Enough said.

Welcome to PS!

 

[bubbly1126]

Date: 11/9/2007 1:01:25 PM
Author:aliciagirl
Hi everyone! I've been nosing around on PS for quite some time, but this is my first post.

I'm a 21 year old pharmacy student. I will be graduating in a year and a half. BF is also a student (mechanical engineering) and will graduating in May. We've been discussing engagement/marriage probably the entire length of our relationship (it was true love, what can i say.

heh) but only recently has it begun to be serious talk. I moved out of my family's house at 18, put myself through two years of undergrad on my own, and moved three states away for pharmacy school. I'm entirely independent financially and any other way.

I was recently discussing with a friend how BF and I are talking about marriage. I got the strangest reaction, to say the least. This friend said things like, 'You're the girl, how do you know when it's going to happen? You're supposed to wait until a proposal to even talk about it.' 'You don't even know who you are, you're supposed to start your career first and THEN get engaged.' The last time I checked, there wasn't any -one- way you were 'supposed' to do any of this. BF and I have been best friends since we were 15, but only have been together for about a year and a half. We always liked each other when we were younger but we never got together. And I'm thankful for that, because we've both learned about what to do in relationships and what we want in relationships. And we were also both single for a long time before getting together, which I'm also thankful for because i DO know myself and what I want out of life. And I have to admit, I've done a pretty darn good job of making it happen so far - on my own. And so has he -- he is also totally financially independent of his family and also moved three states away after high school.

We've been in a long-distance relationship (long distance meaning Erie --> Cleveland, which is only around an hour), but we lived together for the summer. We're planning to move in together when I start my rotations in the fall and hopefully get engaged as soon after he's working to have the money to do so and be married as soon after I graduate that we can save enough money. Does it make me a crazy person for being so involved in the planning of all of this? We know each other in and out and really, I feel like the relationship that we have is a lot more stable than people I see that are already married.

We're both very logical people. Very up front about finances and money and all the not so glamourous things that need to be talked about/agreed on before a marriage. My friend told me that I was 'stipping the passion and romance out of marriage/engagement by being too logical about it.'

I know I can't be the only one out there going through this or we wouldn't know we were 'Ladies in Waiting.' How do you guys reassure yourself that this is, ya know, the 21st century and we're allowed to be this involved? I have to mention, my family and friends are from WV and there it is pretty untraditional to do things the way I am, but I don't think that makes me wrong/crazy/selfish/unromantic.

If you're not supposed to talk about it then how do you know you're each on the same page? How would you know if one person was ready to get married and maybe the other wasn't? How would you even know the other person would want marriage in the first place? Your friend is mistaken. But I wouldn't call it jealousy. Has s/he had serious relationships? If not, then s/he probably just doesn't know the 'steps' in getting engaged/married. Of course, s/he could always be jealous but maybe because s/he just doesn't understand, that's all.

But to answer your question, as you might have already gathered from what I said above, I think it's completely normal and logical to talk about it beforehand and make sure you're both on the same page. That is critical. You can be as much involved as you want to be, it's your life, your engagement, etc. No one can tell you it's the wrong way to do it, even if it does go against tradition.

So that's my opinion. WELCOME!!!

 

[oobiecoo]

That is pretty much how my FI and I did it... we discussed marriage, all the details, shopped for rings together. We were BOTH involved in the whole process. Is your guy friend in a relationship? If so, I feel sorry for his gf! Unless, of course, that is really the way she feels it should be done also. I don''t know any couples where the proposal was a complete surprise for the girl. As long as you and your bf are happy with doing things this way, that''s all that count!

 

[sunnyd]

whaaaa? that is a very traditional way to think about it. i think it sounds kinda fairytale-like to be honest!! i agree with what''s been said already, in that a relationship (even more so a marriage) needs to involve both parties. sure romance and passion are part of it, but the not so glamorous parts are too. so i think you''re right on lady, to sum up.

i''m also in the process of trying to convince my own boyfriend that i should be involved in the ring-picking-outing process. strangely, i had a dream last night that he bought me a ring and i hated it!!

not good. hehe...

 

[aliciagirl]

Date: 11/9/2007 2:53:20 PM
Author: oobiecoo
That is pretty much how my FI and I did it... we discussed marriage, all the details, shopped for rings together. We were BOTH involved in the whole process. Is your guy friend in a relationship? If so, I feel sorry for his gf! Unless, of course, that is really the way she feels it should be done also. I don''t know any couples where the proposal was a complete surprise for the girl. As long as you and your bf are happy with doing things this way, that''s all that count!

He''s not currently in a relationship, but he has been in serious relationships before. He thinks it should be love and happiness and puppies and butterflies all the time, I suppose. I don''t think it will be any less romantic just because we''ve talked about it and neither does the BF. We''re on the same page and I know that''s all the matters, I just don''t want all of my more traditional friends to be this way about it. Because, ya know, I''m excited! And they should be too! Haha.

 

[bee*]

I think that it''s really important to be involved and have all the discussions about the future/kids/careers etc before you get engaged. I even picked out my ring with D before we got engaged and it was one of the best moments together. Don''t mind your friend. Do what''s right for you.

 

[anchor31]

Hey aliciagirl! Welcome!

Before we got engaged, my FI and I talked at lengths about getting engaged and married. In November 2005, he told me he was going to propose in 2006, we picked (and bought) the ring together in May 2006 and even went to pick up the finished ring together in July, after which he took me to the park and surprised me with an impromptu proposal (I was expecting it 6 weeks later, on our 3rd anniversary!).

So, as you can imagine, I got a lot of comments like you did... "It's supposed to be a surprise", "It's not romantic", "It's like you were already engaged anyway", that sort of thing. I was 20/21 as a LIW and 21 when engaged, and I noticed that a lot of people our age have this mythic notion of an "out of the blue" proposal being romantic and what to strive for. Talking to older and/or married folks, I didn't get that kind of reaction, maybe because they understand the importance of it being a mutual decision more than just saying yes?

To this day and age, why would the guy be the only one to decide when marriage should happen in the relationship? My FI and I started talking about a future together in 2005, and I didn't hesistate to tell him I was hoping that we would be getting married in 2008. He thought about it and we talked about it some more, and we finally agreed. If we hadn't had those kind of discussions, I probably would be looking at a 2009 or 2010 wedding! Not because I forced him to marry earlier, but because my persperctive would not have been considered.

Bottom line: I encourage you to have those discussions with your boyfriend and to have your engagement and marriage timelines decided together! Not to mention that choosing your ring together could never be more romantic...

Good luck with this process, and good luck with school also! I'm a senior in biology, and I can't wait to be done!