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Irrational jealousy. Does this happen to you too?

HappyNewLife

HappyNewLife

Ideal_Rock
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Mar 25, 2010
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Is there a person in your SO's life that makes the ugly green monster (jealousy) inside you rear its ugly head? If so, share! I find this so interesting.

There's this woman, let's call her M, that is friends with my GF. M is married (to a guy), and happily so, I think. My GF and M don't get together very frequently, but for whatever reason whenever they plan to get together it makes me feel uneasy. It really is unfounded as M has never made a conscious pass at my GF. One time when M was drunk she grabbed my GF's leg under the table, but we weren't really dating then and well, she was really wasted. I think what bothers me is that M is pretty. Like SUPER GORGEOUS pretty. Porcelain skin... Mine, well, isn't.

Tonight M and my GF went to dinner. I was invited, but it felt sort of like an afterthought. My GF knew I wouldn't be able to go because of work and I didn't want to go due to my uneasiness. While she was at dinner I was fine with it. Honestly, I know nothing is going on. I know she'd never cheat on me.

I asked my GF how dinner was (via text) and her reply was "good, M was sweet". I had thirteen replies in my head, but I just sent back a smiley. Like I said, it's irrational, so I'm keeping it to myself.

Anyway, wondering if there's someone in your life that makes you get a twinge of jealousy? I find it fascinating and not even terrible/hard/annoying- it just "is".
 
Awe I am sorry you are having thoughts. I hate when I get ideas in my head. I personally do not have someone in my FF's life that makes me jealous. I am very grateful for this. If I was in your position, I think it is healthy to be a little jealous. I think it just shows that you truly care about her and you don't want anyone touching your lady ;))
 
No one in his life now...but I get a little crazy sometimes thinking about his ex. I know there is no reason to, and I have exes, too! I just get carried away sometimes thinking about little things they did together. Trips they took, activities they did together, their wedding...it weirds me out that it's a lot of the same stuff we do together now. Once, when we were planning a snowboarding trip, he mentioned offhand that his ex had the most godawful floral, sparkly snowboard. It completely freaked me out, because I had never pictured them snowboarding together before. I mean, he boards, he was married to her, so it shouldn't have been a surprise that they used to go together. But it was. And it was all I thought about for the rest of the day. Her and her stupid sparkly snowboard. He felt awful and couldn't stop apologizing, but he didn't do anything wrong at all. It was just a weird, wrong jealous moment for me. I feel like things are getting better every day, though. It doesn't bother me nearly as often anymore, and when it does sneak up on me, I talk to him about it. He's very good about it, and I always feel silly seconds after it passes through my lips. There is no doubt about his commitment to me. Jealousy is such a wasted emotion.
 
I'm sorry HappyNewLife, sometimes people just make us feel.. icky? I dunno how to explain it. I'm sure you have nothing to worry about, but I think it's normal to sometimes feel uncomfortable given the past.

My case, it's my SO's ex. They don't talk at all. But she came to his mom's funeral, he didn't invite her but his aunt (who hates me) did. At this point, ex and SO had not spoken in over a year (to my knowledge) and had no form of contact i.e. facebook, myspace, call numbers, anything. At the funeral, SO's father asked if he should ask EX to leave, I said "of course not" I was wearing my big girl panties that day. Anyway, a few days after the service SO used my computer to check facebook, and left it logged on. I went to my computer to check facebook (it really is sort of an obsession now : ( ) and I saw a Facebook chat window open from him to his ex "thank [her] for coming, it really meant a lot to [him]." Uh that's not what he told me. He told me he was furious she was there.

So basically I lost it, a tiny bit. I freaked out and was like "so what else are you lying to me about? blah blah blah" I think by this point though, I was just really stressed, I had planned said funeral almost by myself, was doing tons of dishes and laundry. I attempted to make rice and chicken but it was so bad I ordered pizza.

Anyway my long winded response boils down to: Yes. I am irrationally jealous of his ex. Normally I would have rationally thought the situation through, and then gotten angry. I just blew up instantly, that's totally out of character for me. Did I mention earlier that week, while going through pictures for the slide show at the viewing, I found a picture of SO proposing to EX? That probably didn't help rationality or jealousy.

Big Hugs!!
 
blacksand said:
No one in his life now...but I get a little crazy sometimes thinking about his ex. I know there is no reason to, and I have exes, too! I just get carried away sometimes thinking about little things they did together. Trips they took, activities they did together, their wedding...it weirds me out that it's a lot of the same stuff we do together now. Once, when we were planning a snowboarding trip, he mentioned offhand that his ex had the most godawful floral, sparkly snowboard. It completely freaked me out, because I had never pictured them snowboarding together before. I mean, he boards, he was married to her, so it shouldn't have been a surprise that they used to go together. But it was. And it was all I thought about for the rest of the day. Her and her stupid sparkly snowboard. He felt awful and couldn't stop apologizing, but he didn't do anything wrong at all. It was just a weird, wrong jealous moment for me. I feel like things are getting better every day, though. It doesn't bother me nearly as often anymore, and when it does sneak up on me, I talk to him about it. He's very good about it, and I always feel silly seconds after it passes through my lips. There is no doubt about his commitment to me. Jealousy is such a wasted emotion.
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I think my whole other response is based soley on this. I'm jealous (a tiny bit) of the life they had together. You did a much better job explaining it than I did : (

It's like they had a wedding planned and bought a house together.. sometimes I worry that he isn't as "EXCITED" about things as I am because he's done it before. Does that make any sense? I'm rambling, sorry. : (
 
I kinda get that way too (about her exes), but I haven't met or seen any of them (not even photos). Most of her GFs are still friends with her. It's a lesbian thing that I guess I'm too "new" to understand, LOL, because I've never really wanted to remain friends with my exes. Not true friends anyway, most of the time I was happy to get far, far away ;) Her exes are all in another state, so who knows when, if ever, I will meet them. I hope they are not prettier than me (yes, I'm 35... lol), ha. I know I have nothing to worry about. I'm the only person she has ever considered marrying, so I know what we have is special and she's not interested in being back with anyone else. But when she's visiting her hometown and hanging out with these people (who again, I know NOTHING about, including what they look like), it's kinda strange for me.
 
blacksand said:
No one in his life now...but I get a little crazy sometimes thinking about his ex. I know there is no reason to, and I have exes, too! I just get carried away sometimes thinking about little things they did together. Trips they took, activities they did together, their wedding...it weirds me out that it's a lot of the same stuff we do together now. Once, when we were planning a snowboarding trip, he mentioned offhand that his ex had the most godawful floral, sparkly snowboard. It completely freaked me out, because I had never pictured them snowboarding together before. I mean, he boards, he was married to her, so it shouldn't have been a surprise that they used to go together. But it was. And it was all I thought about for the rest of the day. Her and her stupid sparkly snowboard. He felt awful and couldn't stop apologizing, but he didn't do anything wrong at all. It was just a weird, wrong jealous moment for me. I feel like things are getting better every day, though. It doesn't bother me nearly as often anymore, and when it does sneak up on me, I talk to him about it. He's very good about it, and I always feel silly seconds after it passes through my lips. There is no doubt about his commitment to me. Jealousy is such a wasted emotion.
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Ditto.
 
I'm a really jealous person, and although non of FI's ex's are in his life anymore, it makes me really jealous to think about them. Even girls from like high school make me a little crazy. I know it is so silly as we really do pretty much everything together (like he would never go out to dinner with another girl without me...except maybe his mom :P and sometimes I get a little jealous of her :?) and I really do trust him in everything. I have trouble letting go of things sometimes, which I'm working on. I wish I wasn't a jealous person by nature - takes so much energy.
 
Oh dear. Some of these are so me, I'm actually sitting here cringing.

I am the queen of irrational jealousy. Small things can send me into an absolute tizzy which, combined with my awful temper, makes me do things that are so downright crazy that afterwards I look back and think, OMG, was that really me?!

I married my first love when I was 21 - we had started dating when I was 16 and he was 24 (yes, the alarm bells should have gone off at that point, but I was 16, in love, and blind). The relationship was toxic on so many levels... We broke up for a year when I was around 19, mainly due to my drug use, insecurities around his prior relationships and what he considered my irrational jealousy of his online flirtations with other women (I know!!!!! WTF, right?!). When we reconciled, we agreed to no more drugs, no more secrets and no more contact with exes. It worked for a little while, but eventually things went back to the way they were. The marriage was doomed from the start, but for some pathetic reason, I felt the need to go through with it. Let's just say, we were married when I was 21, separated at 22 and divorced by 23.

He's now happily married to someone else and we have almost no contact. He has absolutely no contact with me, but once a year I send an email to a number of people who helped me in my recovery. The email says exactly that: "Thank you for the role you have played in my recovery" and I attach a picture of my latest milestone keyring.

I do this not because I desire any contact with him, but to thank him for paying for my rehab.

I have the utmost respect for his wife and his marriage and would never do anything to hurt them. So I stay away.

Today, my SO and I have a healthy relationship. This is due to YEARS of therapy and me working the NA programme. I still have bouts of irrational jealousy, but it's mostly under control, probably because I am his first serious gf - first love, first girl he introduced to his parents, etc. I still feel my blood pressure rise whenever I see him talking to another woman (regardless of who she is or how pretty she is), but I try to remind myself that he's with me now. As I'm sure you girls know, it's a lot easier to say that, than it is to believe it. But in some small way, the more I say it, the more it helps. :)
 
After reading your post Rhubarb, I also want to elaborate one mine.

I am the exact same way. It bothers me that FF has already proposed to someone. This is irrational because I've been proposed to before, and I'm sure this ups the ante and maybe makes him insecure about his proposal plans. It bothers me that he has been to bed with someone before (We are religious) but I came to him virginal. It bothers me that he has had a wedding before, and has gone through the process of planning it. These little things make me irrationally jealous when I think about them long enough (like right now, as I am typing them) and so I don't think about them. His ex-gf after his divorce probably drives me the most insane. More so than the previous marriage, wedding, and marital bedding combined. I have no idea why other than the fact that she was drop-dead gorgeous and I'm horribly insecure. We have even discussed it, and he affirms me and reassures me often that I am the only one for him. I love him so much for that, although sometimes I find myself playing the, "I wonder how I measure up" game with myself. Just thought I would get that out!

Trekkie, congratulations on going to rehab and getting better. I have worked in a rehab center as a student nurse and I have heard from some people of the struggle. You are remarkable in every way, shape, and form. I know that I don't know you, but I respect you and am so proud of you for getting the help you needed!
 
Irrational jealousy does happen to me, but not with my SO.

My SO's never had a girlfriend before me, so there isn't any ex drama to worry about. And he's definitely a one-woman kinda guy.

But I can certainly relate to irrational jealousy. I saw a family friends wedding pictures the other night (I know the groom's family) and the bride was SO pretty. Seriously stunning. I'm usually not self concious at all, but I couldn't help think, "Well if there are people THAT beautiful out there..."
 
Oh yeah, I think it's pretty natural. I used to be jealous of his ex-SO but then I met her and actually really liked her. And over the course of our years together my jealousy about her has totally faded. Then there was another shorter term ex-gf that also happens to be a friend of mine who I think the main source of my irrational jealousy was not anything between them, but moreso just that I think she is so pretty and talented and funny, that I was just jealous of her traits not their relationship. I eventually got over that one too.

Currently the only person who I still have irrational jealousy towards is an old friend of his from high school (they dated in 7th grade, but she's hardly an ex-gf). Idk what it is...They call each other "boo" which kinda irks me as I've always seen that as relationship term. Idk they just get so goofy and ridiculous together I can feel left out. They only talk a couple of times a year so it's really not a big deal, but I definitely have twinges of jealousy when he mentions her.
 
I used to have some severe jealousy issues about FI's ex, but that was caused by FI's behaviour towards her. He took the "lets be friends" thing pretty seriously and they were hanging out a lot. We worked that out (there's a fairly long thread about it) and he agreed to create boundaries with her. She didn't take well to the idea of boundaries and has started to behave a bit stalkerish. This really turned him off of having any contact with her, so problem solved. I still get jealous when I think about little things they did together, for example trips to places I've never been. It really bugs me that his first time in Ireland, Scotland, France, Italy, Greece were with her. She wasn't big on travel in the US so we have a few trips planned to Las Vegas and New York. He's also never been to Spain so I'm trying to get a chunk of vacation time and arrange something.

The silliest things will make me jealous. For example, he moved their pets in to my place. She kept them when they broke up, but then she moved away and left them with friends. Those friends couldn't keep them anymore and she didn't want to move them (it would be hard on the cats and pretty costly) so I took them (FI's apartment doesn't allow pets and he'll be moving in to my place shortly anyway). It really bugs me that they picked them out together and had all of the cute "firsts" together. We can't even introduce a cat of our own because we've reached city bylaw limits. Don't get me wrong, they're adorable and I love them to bits, but still not the same as us picking them out!
 
Actually his occupation and the type of people he deals with on a daily basis worries me sometimes. I'll explain--SO and I had a very big problem that almost cost us our relationship a few years ago. The problem surrounded a particular nurse that he had to interact with on a daily basis. SO works with many female nurses. We are very open about everything and SO has told me about several nurses that have made it clear to him that they're interested in him, think he is cute, etc. It's not even jealousy...more like an annoying feeling, kind of like when you get a bug bite that itches. It's annoying. I'll actually be a nurse soon so I'm not bad mouthing all nurses or anything but there are many of them who cross boundaries.
 
IndyLady said:
Irrational jealousy does happen to me, but not with my SO.

My SO's never had a girlfriend before me, so there isn't any ex drama to worry about. And he's definitely a one-woman kinda guy.

But I can certainly relate to irrational jealousy. I saw a family friends wedding pictures the other night (I know the groom's family) and the bride was SO pretty. Seriously stunning. I'm usually not self concious at all, but I couldn't help think, "Well if there are people THAT beautiful out there..."
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I totally know what you mean Indy. I attended my fiances brothers wedding. I love future BIL and his wife, they are wonderful people. The wedding was absolutely amazing. I would not have changed ANYTHING about it. However, I couldn't help but feel like my wedding would never be as good. I don't know if I'd call it jealousy but I felt like planning my own wedding was going to be like a competition. It took me a few days to understand that it isn't a competition. We're very different people with different styles and to each their own. I realized we would make our wedding perfect for US and thats all that matters.
 
I'm sorry you all have that 1 person in your life that irks you, but I'm also glad to read this to feel some comfort.
My BF has an ex from high school that he is still in touch with. Their parents are close friends and she'll ALWAAAAAAYS be in the picture on some level. At least she doesn't live near us anymore so it's not a frequent issue. I'm not so much jealous as I am flat out bothered that she has to be in his life through the family connections. This sounds so silly, but I'm just going to say it- I don't really think she's pretty, therefore I think I am prettier- which I guess is why I don't really feel jealous towards her. (EW I hate seeing that I put that in print. It's irrational and immature, but this is where we're allowed to admit to that! :sick: )
She's the kind of girl that will go out of her way to bring up people I don't know or mention things that happened before I was around when it's just the 3 of us. I feel like it's her way of trying to hold onto him, strengthen a tie, or just flat out be exculsionary. He actually doesn't really want to be her friend, but again, there's that family connection. He doesn't really talk to her much. When she's in town she wants to see him and he's been good about pushing that off. I feel like she doesn't really respect our relationship. I could go on, but that's the gist of it.
Thanks for understand ladies- glad to have the common bond.
 
see? getting that out helped a bunch of us ;)
 
OK I have been married a long time 26 years, been together 27 years and I can say I have never had irrational jealousy, twinges here and there yes, but our relationship is built on trust, I guess I have always trusted him and he trusts me, you should try to be confident in your relationship with your SO and try and calm the the ugly green beast when it rears it head, trust them and love them, unless of course there is apparent issues, then kick them to the curb :twisted:
 
Gah. I was just informed that she is getting together with M when I'm out of town next month. Oh, and she didn't tell her that we are engaged.

I hate being jealous! I wonder if I am green right now.
 
I totally agree diamondrnglover-- and I do all that and totally trust her. which is why i'm keeping this nonsense to myself!! It's MY nonsense!
 
HappyNewLife said:
Gah. I was just informed that she is getting together with M when I'm out of town next month. Oh, and she didn't tell her that we are engaged.

I hate being jealous! I wonder if I am green right now.
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The part about her not saying she's engaged would irk me. I don't think you're being totally out of line to have that "squee" uncomfortable feeling.

Not that I really think its actually a problem or anything. She probably either doesn't think of M often enough to think of calling her to tell her, or she wants to do it in person. Not a big deal.

You're doing a good job keeping calm and rational!

I'm just trying to say that I hear you about being a bit uncomfortable with your FI not telling M about the engagement.
 
Ive been with my DH for three years total, married for 1. He was broken up with his ex girlfriend for a year when we met and started dating but they were still super close friends. For some reason when we were dating, it never bothered me when they hung out. Recently though we attended a wedding where she was in the bridal party. I told him he wasn't allowed to dance with her (fortunately for me, she totally ignored us so it was never an issue). Totally unlike me, but the idea of seeing them dancing together (even though *I* am the one married to him) rubbed me the wrong way entirely.

So don't feel back about feeling a big jealous. Though, since you think its irrational, I would do your best to keep it to yourself unless your girlfriend gives you a really good reason to make you worried.
 
chemgirl-- yeah, but at the same time I know why the engagement was not mentioned. there are numerous gossips in my town and we are happy to keep our business out of the hands of my ex-H. M's husband knows my ex--- blah blah blah--- we need to MOVE ASAP!
 
Ah ok, makes perfect sense. Like I said, I didn't think she was doing it for any bad reasons, but I could see how the fact would bother you a bit.

I currently live in Toronto so I forget about the different dynamics present in smaller towns.

You should totally move here! Same-sex marriage doesn't even seem to be debated anymore, its just a given in most circles.
 
DH and I are both big flirts. Luckily, most of the time I don't get jealous, but once in a while, there will be one person who just bothers me. And yes, sometimes it's gets a little irrational, as much as it pains me to admit that.

I remind myself that the only thing worse than feeling jealous, is when you come across as jealous or possessive. That helps me to keep my mouth shut. Sometimes I look back at the people I've been jealous of in the past and I just roll my eyes, like "what was I worried about?"

My best friend once asked me years ago "What are you most insecure about?" I said "The fact that I'm so insecure." We still laugh about that. My quote for awhile was "I'm insecure about being insecure!" :mrgreen:

Don't feel bad. It happens.

Does your GF know you feel this way? Maybe you could mention that you're "uncomfortable" as opposed to shining a light on all your crazy. :wink2:
 
I am a very jealous, "green eyed monster". In fact I reckon I would look like a female version of the Hulk if I were anymore "greener" with jealousy.
My guy is very good looking, tall and charming.
When we go to a restaurant the waitresses always direct their attention towards him instead of both of us. He even had my grandma gushing "he is very handsome" just because his manner is so charming and innocently flirtatious.
I get very jealous hearing that he still has contact with his ex, who he still does favors for i.e. gives her lifts in his car and he still keeps sporting equipment (kayaks) in her garage. She is apparently now engaged, but she once asked , once they were split if he could be a donor for her as she tried to conceive by IVF ( which he refused).
I also recently attended one of his ex's birthday parties ( a big one) and although they split 10 years ago, she still had giant images of him and her, flashing up onto a wall via projector.
He also reports being "still friends" with the majority of his ex's.

I know it is a fault of mine to be so jealous and it has resulted in us having a few arguments especially when my imagination kicks in.
 
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