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Inviting the "ex" to the wedding..?

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PearlDahhhling

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I have a question about whether you think it''s okay to invite my "ex" Tom to my wedding or not.

I dated him for about a year before moving to another state and meeting my now FI (4 years ago). The relationship Tom and I had was more like a friendship with a physical aspect to it I guess. We were never in love, rarely went on "dates" and spent most of our together time hanging out with our joint group of friends. I met him when I was still in high school and we were friends before we dated, and we are still friends.

There are definitely no romantic feelings left between us and haven''t been since we were together, and even then they were minimal. He was mostly just a fantastic friend. And he still is. Ever since high school he''s really been one of the few people that''s "been there" for me if I''ve ever needed someone to talk to or anything like that. He''s a great person and a great friend.

I never really thought it would be weird to invite him to my wedding because I do consider him a close friend and I''m inviting all of my other close friends (a few who are also males). FI however has said that he''s not comfortable with the idea of having Tom at our wedding. Of course I want to respect his feelings and his wishes and I plan to talk to him more about it once it gets to be time to send out the invites.

But part of me feels like I should be able to invite someone who has been a good friend to me and I feel like FI should understand that. I know Tom will understand if he isn''t invited, but I also know that he''ll be hurt.

I don''t know. I mean obviously if FI really doesn''t want him there then he''s not invited. I just feel like it isn''t fair to uninvite someone who has been such a great friend.

I guess I''m just curious what you ladies would/did do?
 

swingirl

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Your FI's feelings are more important. On your wedding day neither of you should be put in an awkward position. I doubt you will miss your friend if he's not there but it will upset your husband if he is there.
 

mimzy

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i semi-struggled with this also. there were three exs that i was/am still friends with that i would have liked to invite to the wedding, but ultimately i ended up not due to a combination of space limitations and DH saying "uhhh....no". I didn''t fight for it because ultimately it wasn''t as important to me to have them there as it was to make sure that then-FI felt secure (sounds a little prissy saying it aloud now though..). I felt the same way though - why shouldn''t they be invited? they''ve been great friends, before and after there was ever a romantic aspect to the relationship. I can understand your FI''s hesitation...but since you guys were never very serious I think that he should probably be able to be more lenient. if you make him understand how trivial the *relationship* was in comparison to the friendship, hopefully he''ll see that he''s maybe being a bit strict and will loosen up.

is this ex friends with all the other close friends that will be invited? if so you could also mention that it might be odder to single him out by not inviting him than to invite him....

but if he doesn''t come around, then as disappointing as it is for you, it''s not something to dwell on and ultimately (as insensitive as this sounds) you probably won''t miss him enough to have it take away from your day. and like you said, i''m sure your friend would be understanding. plus, it''s not as if he''s saying that you can''t still be friends - it''s just for that one day that he won''t be there and if you talk to him and explain the situation and let him know that you consider him a dear friend then i would imagine that your friendship wouldn''t suffer much from it. good luck!
 

Haven

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I would honor your FI''s wishes not to invite him to the wedding. Your FI is more important now.
 

iheartscience

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I don''t see why your fiance wouldn''t be comfortable having your friend at your wedding if he''s comfortable with you being friends with him. And it doesn''t sound like you had a super serious relationship with him to begin with.

I''d be pretty pissed if my fiance tried to tell me I couldn''t invite one of my friends, even if I dated him for a short period. And I would never ask him to not invite a good friend of his, even if he dated her. At this point in your relationship (you''re about to get MARRIED!) your fiance should really be past any insecurities.

I hope this doesn''t sound too mean but I think it''s pretty ridiculous when guys or girls pull this. And I''m not even a big proponent of being friends with exes, but if you happen to be friends with one, I don''t see the big deal. You''re marrying your fiance, not your ex.
 

Dannielle

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Date: 3/16/2009 12:02:14 AM
Author: thing2of2
I don''t see why your fiance wouldn''t be comfortable having your friend at your wedding if he''s comfortable with you being friends with him. And it doesn''t sound like you had a super serious relationship with him to begin with.

I''d be pretty pissed if my fiance tried to tell me I couldn''t invite one of my friends, even if I dated him for a short period. And I would never ask him to not invite a good friend of his, even if he dated her. At this point in your relationship (you''re about to get MARRIED!) your fiance should really be past any insecurities.

I hope this doesn''t sound too mean but I think it''s pretty ridiculous when guys or girls pull this. And I''m not even a big proponent of being friends with exes, but if you happen to be friends with one, I don''t see the big deal. You''re marrying your fiance, not your ex.
I totally agree.

I would talk to your FI more about this, find out why he is so against your friend attending?

It sounds like there might be some underlying issues (insecurities, etc.)

Keep us updated
 

FrekeChild

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Date: 3/16/2009 12:00:36 AM
Author: Haven
I would honor your FI's wishes not to invite him to the wedding. Your FI is more important now.
Ditto.

ETA: And it's not because of the friendship, but more along the lines that it your and FI's day, and if Tom is going to impede on his day at all...I do think it's worth considering leaving him off the guest list. Your FI's feelings are worth more than Tom's feelings at this point. Having said that, you need to consider if this is something that will impede your happiness, and weigh your happiness with Tom being there and FI's unhappiness with him there and ask yourself if that's worth it.
 

kittybean

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Date: 3/16/2009 12:00:36 AM
Author: Haven
I would honor your FI''s wishes not to invite him to the wedding. Your FI is more important now.
I agree. The day will be such a blur of craziness, fun, family, friends, and emotion--you won''t even notice he''s not there.
 

LilyOfTheValley

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The fiance is more important than the friend, period. And if this friend's feelings are hurt, well, too bad. He should understand that while he's a friend now, he's also an ex, and it is understandable why your fiance would be uncomfortable with him there at the wedding, even if he's fine with you two being friends.
 

iheartscience

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Date: 3/16/2009 1:51:40 AM
Author: LilyOfTheValley
The fiance is more important than the friend, period.
See this seems like such a slippery slope to me. "You can't invite your friend to the wedding" can easily become "You can't hang out with your friend because you used to date him" can easily become "You can't hang out with your male friends anymore." Where do you draw the line?

And why are her fiance's feelings more important than HER feelings? She wants him there. Why is her fiance's desire to not have him there more important than her desire to have him there? At your wedding you should be surrounded by people you are good friends with and people you love and want to be there to witness your marriage. If that includes Pearl's friend, he should be there.

Me, I draw the line at "I do what I want" and honestly, if my fiance was threatened by the thought of a friend of mine I barely dated at our wedding, he's not someone I would be marrying.
 

LilyOfTheValley

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Date: 3/16/2009 1:56:10 AM
Author: thing2of2
Date: 3/16/2009 1:51:40 AM

Author: LilyOfTheValley

The fiance is more important than the friend, period.

See this seems like such a slippery slope to me. 'You can't invite your friend to the wedding' can easily become 'You can't hang out with your friend because you used to date him' can easily become 'You can't hang out with your male friends anymore.' Where do you draw the line?


And why are her fiance's feelings more important than HER feelings? She wants him there. Why is her fiance's desire to not have him there more important than her desire to have him there. At your wedding you should be surrounded by people you are good friends with and people you want to be there to witness your marriage. If that includes Pearl's friend, he should be there.


Me, I draw the line at 'I do what I want' and honestly, if my fiance was threatened by the thought of a friend of mine I barely dated at our wedding, he's not someone I would be marrying.
But we are not talking about her fiance forbidding her to be friends with anyone. Thinking about something that's not happening just doesn't make any sense. Nobody is saying that her fiance's feelings are more important than hers; we're saying that his feelings are more important than the ex's feelings. Apparently the ex's feelings would be hurt if he's not invited to the wedding.

Exes make many current partners uncomfortable, and it doesn't mean that the partners are petty; it means that they're human.

There is also no point in any of us arguing with one another about this topic. She posted on a public forum asking for people's opinions, and we gave her ours. Our opinions are equally valid. Nobody is telling her what to do; we're simply telling her what WE would do because THAT is what she asked.
 

iheartscience

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Date: 3/16/2009 1:58:28 AM
Author: LilyOfTheValley
Date: 3/16/2009 1:56:10 AM

Author: thing2of2

Date: 3/16/2009 1:51:40 AM

Author: LilyOfTheValley

The fiance is more important than the friend, period.
See this seems like such a slippery slope to me. ''You can''t invite your friend to the wedding'' can easily become ''You can''t hang out with your friend because you used to date him'' can easily become ''You can''t hang out with your male friends anymore.'' Where do you draw the line?

And why are her fiance''s feelings more important than HER feelings? She wants him there. Why is her fiance''s desire to not have him there more important than her desire to have him there. At your wedding you should be surrounded by people you are good friends with and people you want to be there to witness your marriage. If that includes Pearl''s friend, he should be there.

Me, I draw the line at ''I do what I want'' and honestly, if my fiance was threatened by the thought of a friend of mine I barely dated at our wedding, he''s not someone I would be marrying.
But we are not talking about her fiance forbidding her to be friends with anyone. Thinking about something that''s not happening just doesn''t make any sense. Nobody is saying that her fiance''s feelings are more important than hers; we''re saying that his feelings are more important than the ex''s feelings. Apparently the ex''s feelings would be hurt if he''s not invited to the wedding.

Exes make many current partners uncomfortable, and it doesn''t mean that the partners are petty; it means that they''re human.

There is also no point in any of us arguing with one another about this topic. She posted on a public forum asking for people''s opinions, and we gave her ours. Our opinions are equally valid. Nobody is telling her what to do; we''re simply telling her what WE would do because THAT is what she asked.
No, you''re right-we''re not talking about her fiance forbidding her to be friends with anyone. We ARE talking about her fiance forbidding her from inviting a friend of hers to the wedding. Which is where my slippery slope statement comes in.

And if there''s no point in arguing, why are you arguing with me? I''m stating my opinion. It just happened to be opposite of yours. That doesn''t mean I''m arguing with you.

And since Pearl did post on a public forum, I think it''s fair to say she expected differing opinions. I''m not sure why you seem to think that you have the right to dictate how Pearl''s thread should be answered or why you think you can tell me how to post. Like you said, I am simply telling her what I would do because THAT is what she asked.
 

PearlDahhhling

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Thanks for the advice and opinions everyone. I really appreciate them. I do want to add though that FI isn''t "forbidding" me to do anything. He has just stated that he isn''t comfortable with the idea. I would hardly call that "forbidding" me to invite Tom. He''s just not loving the idea. Just wanted to throw that out there...
 

Deelight

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Date: 3/16/2009 12:11:13 AM
Author: Dannielle
Date: 3/16/2009 12:02:14 AM

Author: thing2of2

I don''t see why your fiance wouldn''t be comfortable having your friend at your wedding if he''s comfortable with you being friends with him. And it doesn''t sound like you had a super serious relationship with him to begin with.


I''d be pretty pissed if my fiance tried to tell me I couldn''t invite one of my friends, even if I dated him for a short period. And I would never ask him to not invite a good friend of his, even if he dated her. At this point in your relationship (you''re about to get MARRIED!) your fiance should really be past any insecurities.


I hope this doesn''t sound too mean but I think it''s pretty ridiculous when guys or girls pull this. And I''m not even a big proponent of being friends with exes, but if you happen to be friends with one, I don''t see the big deal. You''re marrying your fiance, not your ex.
I totally agree.


I would talk to your FI more about this, find out why he is so against your friend attending?


It sounds like there might be some underlying issues (insecurities, etc.)


Keep us updated
Double ditto, talk about it more find out what the major issue is and then work from there.
 

iheartscience

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Date: 3/16/2009 2:39:30 AM
Author: PearlDahhhling
Thanks for the advice and opinions everyone. I really appreciate them. I do want to add though that FI isn''t ''forbidding'' me to do anything. He has just stated that he isn''t comfortable with the idea. I would hardly call that ''forbidding'' me to invite Tom. He''s just not loving the idea. Just wanted to throw that out there...
Hey Pearl, I know you didn''t say that. I got a little irritated at being told how to post-sorry about that! You definitely didn''t say that and I don''t think that!
 

trillionaire

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lol, I have only one Ex, and he is a mutual friend of SO and I, and in the same fraternity as SO. I was talking to said Ex, and he is always asking when SO and I are getting married, etc. One day he declares, when you get engaged, I want to be the first to know, and I expect to be invited to the wedding!


I am not at all uncomfortable with the idea of him being there and SO would allow it, but he would advocate for it, if you know what I mean, but I just thought it was super odd that he declared this! We aren't even that close, we talk to each other probably 3-4x per year.

I think if it would be at all distracting for either of you to have an Ex there, it's probably best to leave well enough alone. Part of getting married is learning to put the other person first, even if they don't ask you to or require you to. It's really important to respect and honor your partner, and sometimes that means deferring to them.
 

bee*

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Date: 3/16/2009 12:02:14 AM
Author: thing2of2
I don''t see why your fiance wouldn''t be comfortable having your friend at your wedding if he''s comfortable with you being friends with him. And it doesn''t sound like you had a super serious relationship with him to begin with.


I''d be pretty pissed if my fiance tried to tell me I couldn''t invite one of my friends, even if I dated him for a short period. And I would never ask him to not invite a good friend of his, even if he dated her. At this point in your relationship (you''re about to get MARRIED!) your fiance should really be past any insecurities.


I hope this doesn''t sound too mean but I think it''s pretty ridiculous when guys or girls pull this. And I''m not even a big proponent of being friends with exes, but if you happen to be friends with one, I don''t see the big deal. You''re marrying your fiance, not your ex.
I 100% agree. I would be pretty pissed too if D told me that I couldn''t invite a friend, even one that I used to date.
 

LaraOnline

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I dunno. If you and your friend could have had babies together, it's kinda up to the FI to decide, but that's just my opinion...

I wouldn't hold it against my man, it's his wedding too and at least it shows he has certain masculine 'feelings' about you... I personally didn't really have a super-strong inclination to continue ongoing friendships with previous loves though. I have emailed from time to time with a particular set of parents that I liked very much though...

going along with his preference shows you can at least can step outside yourself long enough to honour his point of view *shrug*

marriage is about joining lives so if you want to continue on with individual friendships with previous loves, and he is uncomfortable about that, perhaps you need to consider that aspect as well as the invite to the wedding thing
 

Bliss

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I guess this is a wonderful example of how married life is all about compromises!

Is the ex dating anyone? That might make a difference if he brought his date. It might be odd if he were single and staring at you wistfully (because you will be so beautiful) while you''re getting married! Or maybe you two are really like brother sister now and there are no feelings period. I think FI senses maybe Tom might still like you and therefore isn''t comfortable with him being there during such a special moment?
 

tlh

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Same issue here. NowDH didn''t want him there. I respected that. It wasn''t that hard of a decision. He is fine with the fact that we are friends... but to be honest, if it was reversed, I would not want someone who had seen my DH in his full glory at MY WEDDING. I think that goes both ways.

If anyone has seen you in less than a bikini ON PURPOSE (you wanted to be seen, and vice versa)--- they should be stricken from the guest list.
 

Winks_Elf

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There''s a big difference with your ex because you''re good friends, and as you said if it makes your fi uncomfortable, then there will be no invite. As for me, I don''t even want my ex knowing when the wedding will be. I don''t trust him, and I certainly don''t want any wedding day drama. Realistically, I don''t think he''ll show up and create a scene, but I just don''t want him around or on my mind on that day. He has caused me more pain than I care to remember. It''s not like Chuck and I would invite him over to have a few beers or share a meal. There''s no way I would even want to talk to him on my wedding day. I have to deal with him for the rest of my life thanks to the kids. I''d like one day to not think about him at all, thank you very much.
 

Italiahaircolor

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When it comes to the ex''s...it''s fairly cut and dry, for me at least.

I always totally released control to my new partner...if they don''t care or had no problem with it--then fine. But, if my current SO had an issue, then I had to repect that. My new relationship always was more important for me...and esspecially when I became engaged to my husband.
 

Aloros

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Date: 3/16/2009 10:47:14 AM
Author: tlh
Same issue here. NowDH didn''t want him there. I respected that. It wasn''t that hard of a decision. He is fine with the fact that we are friends... but to be honest, if it was reversed, I would not want someone who had seen my DH in his full glory at MY WEDDING. I think that goes both ways.

If anyone has seen you in less than a bikini ON PURPOSE (you wanted to be seen, and vice versa)--- they should be stricken from the guest list.
My thoughts EXACTLY.
 

galleygal

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Good topic. I am in the same situation, but am inviting my ex to my wedding. We have a pretty large group of the same college friends and we were friends before we started dating. We dated for 4.5 years, but the main thing is that we have both moved on with our lives and found people that we will be spending the rest of our lives with. My SO was not comfortable with the idea at first, but has respected my wishes as well. We see my ex and his Fiancee from time to time when we have college friend gatherings. I think it will be up to my ex and his SO if they want to come or not. I just thought it polite to extend the invitation being that I was extending it to all of our college friends.
 

Lulie

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Date: 3/16/2009 12:29:58 AM
Author: kittybean

Date: 3/16/2009 12:00:36 AM
Author: Haven
I would honor your FI''s wishes not to invite him to the wedding. Your FI is more important now.
I agree.
I wouldn''t invite him, even if he''s still a good friend, [he''ll understand] I bet FI is Not inviting his ex, I''d def respect his request.
 

jstarfireb

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The same thing is happening with me - I would like to invite my ex-boyfriend because we''re still friends, but FI isn''t comfortable. I am honoring his wishes. I just don''t really understand them, because if he were close with any of his exes, I would have absolutely no problem with them being there.
 

GoingCrazy29

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I don''t think there is one all encompassing rule to this, because every situation is different. I think the key here is that your fiance told you that it would make him uncomfortable and that trumps any reason you can come up with for inviting your ex.

I met my FI because he was my ex boyfriend''s roomate. All 3 of us are still terrific friends and neither of us can imagine not having my ex at our wedding. Its been 5 years since we broke up and have never not been able to stay friends. HOWEVER, if my FI said "Sorry, GC- I know you two are still friends, but it just makes me uncomfortable having someone that was in a past relationship with you be at our wedding" I would understand, be glad he was totally honest with me, and explain to ex the situation. If he is as good of a friend as you claim, then he will understand and still be happy for you. Good luck :)
 

Lulie

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Every couple has different endings. To me, if the thought of inviting someone gives me/us more than a moment''s pause, that person doesn''t belog at our event.
 

katamari

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I think you should base your guestlist on who you want to be there and not on whether or not you have been intimate with them. I would invite an ex that was a close friend, but I wouldn''t invite one who wasn''t.
 
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