Inviting SOME but not ALL children...

[alli_esq]

Etiquette question!!

I have a bunch of little cousins and friends of family. I am close to most of them, but moreso to the older ones.

Basically, I am closest to my mom''s godkids (brother and sister, will be ages almost-17 and 14), my first-cousins''s kids (brother and sister, will be 16 and almost-14). Now, my other first-cousin (the brother of the first first-cousin I mentioned) has three kids, who will be 14, 12 and 5. I don''t want KID kids at my wedding, but I really, really want my mom''s godkids and the 16 and almost-14 year-old kids of my first cousin. Also, money is really an issue, and if I start inviting younger kids, I have about 25 of them that I would have to invite (which is not an option).

What would you do? Is it rude to invite the oldest of three kids, but not the two younger kids? Pleeeease advise, smart pricescope brides!!!

 

[Pandora II]

I drew a line at no under-10's except immediate family, babes in arms, bridesmaids and those from overseas.

I wrote a personal note explaining this to everyone with children and enclosed it with the STD. No-one was the least bit offended.

The most important thing is to set rules, explain them in advance to all parents and then stick to them religiously. People get upset if they feel that it's one rule for one person and another rule for another.

We did have two extra in the end where the babysitter fell through. They were DH's cousin's children and since DH's uncle and aunt were at the wedding and his wife's family live in South Africa they really were in dire straits.

They were all super well-behaved.

 

[alli_esq]

Thanks for your response, Pandora! Can I ask you this, though--if there is a 5-person family, and one of the kids makes the age-cut, but the other two don''t, what would you do? the issue is that I wouldn''t invite ANY of those three kids, but the other cousins I WANT to invite are the exact same relation to me as the kids I don''t care to invite (they are just slightly older)...

sorry that this is a complicated question

 

[fieryred33143]

Would you be willing to invite the 14 and 12 year old and not the 5 year old?

I think that if the other children invited were older than those you weren''t invited, then you wouldn''t have to invite them. But you can''t really use the excuse of age as the reason to not invite them if there are other children the same age there. Does that make sense?

Plus I think it''ll really hurt the cousin''s feelings if they find out the other cousins were invited to go and they weren''t.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 1/13/2009 2:54:54 PM
Author: alli_esq
Thanks for your response, Pandora! Can I ask you this, though--if there is a 5-person family, and one of the kids makes the age-cut, but the other two don''t, what would you do? the issue is that I wouldn''t invite ANY of those three kids, but the other cousins I WANT to invite are the exact same relation to me as the kids I don''t care to invite (they are just slightly older)...

sorry that this is a complicated question

Hmm, I didn''t have that issue, but I would probably consider the family circumstances.

If they were travelling from OOT and it was just one child out of three I would probably invite them. If they lived locally then no.

One solution could be to have a creche type thing on site for young children.

 

[alli_esq]

I guess the issue is that there are about 5 more kids that are in the 12-13 y/o range, and I can''t afford to add that many more to my guest list (only kids who are under 12 are half price at my venue)...

All the kids I would invite would be at least 14 or a few months off from 14. No one that I would not be inviting would be older than 14--everyone I wouldn''t invite would be about 12 or younger.

Does that make sense?

Thank you so much for your responses!

 

[alli_esq]

Date: 1/13/2009 3:03:17 PM
Author: Pandora II

Date: 1/13/2009 2:54:54 PM
Author: alli_esq
Thanks for your response, Pandora! Can I ask you this, though--if there is a 5-person family, and one of the kids makes the age-cut, but the other two don''t, what would you do? the issue is that I wouldn''t invite ANY of those three kids, but the other cousins I WANT to invite are the exact same relation to me as the kids I don''t care to invite (they are just slightly older)...

sorry that this is a complicated question

Hmm, I didn''t have that issue, but I would probably consider the family circumstances.

If they were travelling from OOT and it was just one child out of three I would probably invite them. If they lived locally then no.

One solution could be to have a creche type thing on site for young children.

They are from NY and the wedding is in NJ--so it''s not that far...

But I really would like to not have to deal with younger children at all. All of the kids (teenagers) I''m planning on inviting are very mature and well-behaved.

 

[Sabine]

I''m sorry, I know this isn''t what you want to hear, but I feel like you shouldn''t invite one (or two) kids from one family, but not the others. If you invite the teens, you should invite their 5 yo sibling. And I don''t think you can invite certain 14ish year olds and not the rest. People''s feelings will get hurt.

One possible solution for you that makes inviting one group of kids but not the other okay. Invite no kids, but for the few that you do want there, give them a role in your wedding. Then, if anyone asks why those kids were invited but no one else, you can say because they were in the wedding, and we weren''t inviting kids.

 

[alli_esq]

Thanks for being honest, Sabine!

Yeah, my initial idea was not to invite any of them to avoid this issue, but I really can''t have all 5 kids (who I want to there) be a part in my wedding (to be honest, I didn''t want any of them in the party at all).

I know that 4 of the 5 kids I want to invite really want to come, but I just can''t afford to start adding an extra 10 people to the list that I already have, and I''ve cut so many people already...

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 1/13/2009 3:15:20 PM
Author: Sabine
I''m sorry, I know this isn''t what you want to hear, but I feel like you shouldn''t invite one (or two) kids from one family, but not the others. If you invite the teens, you should invite their 5 yo sibling. And I don''t think you can invite certain 14ish year olds and not the rest. People''s feelings will get hurt.

Agreed.

 

[teapot]

Date: 1/13/2009 3:15:20 PM
Author: Sabine
I''m sorry, I know this isn''t what you want to hear, but I feel like you shouldn''t invite one (or two) kids from one family, but not the others. If you invite the teens, you should invite their 5 yo sibling. And I don''t think you can invite certain 14ish year olds and not the rest. People''s feelings will get hurt.


One possible solution for you that makes inviting one group of kids but not the other okay. Invite no kids, but for the few that you do want there, give them a role in your wedding. Then, if anyone asks why those kids were invited but no one else, you can say because they were in the wedding, and we weren''t inviting kids.

I was going to say the same thing. You need to have rules and stick with them or people will be offended. The best solution is to have them be part of your wedding in some way. If you are having a Catholic wedding, you can have them do the prayers of the faithful, alter server, or something, but you can''t say "I am closer to you so you are invited, but you are not since we don''t really talk"

 

[alli_esq]

Date: 1/13/2009 3:21:08 PM
Author: teapot

Date: 1/13/2009 3:15:20 PM
Author: Sabine
I'm sorry, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I feel like you shouldn't invite one (or two) kids from one family, but not the others. If you invite the teens, you should invite their 5 yo sibling. And I don't think you can invite certain 14ish year olds and not the rest. People's feelings will get hurt.


One possible solution for you that makes inviting one group of kids but not the other okay. Invite no kids, but for the few that you do want there, give them a role in your wedding. Then, if anyone asks why those kids were invited but no one else, you can say because they were in the wedding, and we weren't inviting kids.

I was going to say the same thing. You need to have rules and stick with them or people will be offended. The best solution is to have them be part of your wedding in some way. If you are having a Catholic wedding, you can have them do the prayers of the faithful, alter server, or something, but you can't say 'I am closer to you so you are invited, but you are not since we don't really talk'

no, I realize that--I was just saying that the cutoff would be 13 (which I thought might work, since that's y'know, the beginning of teenage years), and that would solve the problem...except for that one contingent of my family whom I never speak to, and whose kids would have to be split up.

ETA: it's not going to be a religious ceremony, and will likely only be about 10-15 minutes long, so I can't see asking all of those 5 kids to participate when I don't think anyone else will be.

 

[wannaBMrsH]

Alli_esq, would you consider giving the two younger cousins (14 and 13) roles in your wedding (junior BMs, readers, guestbook attendants)? Then you could make the cutoff 15 or 16 and still have a reason to have included those two.

I remember way back when I was a young babe, I was invited to be a hostess in my cousin''s wedding. I was about 16, but there were 4 of us around the same age group. We didn''t actually do anything, we walked behind the BMs in the church and were introduced at the reception and didn''t do much of anything else. It wasn''t until years later that the bride was helping someone and said that she made up that role to include the four of us that they wanted there but still leave the cutoff age at 18! I remember thinking she was BRILLIANT!

 

[alli_esq]

wannabemrsh...that is an interesting idea! thank you

but wait, would it work if I just had the cousins I WANT to invite (the 16 and almost-14 y/o) somehow be a part of the wedding, but NOT the 14 year-old on the other side? or is that too blatant and rude?

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

If you see these children an equal amount but just like one set of kids better, then it would probably be taken as a slight by the cousin who's kids weren't invited. However, if you see the other family a lot more, and that's the reason you are close to them, I see no reason why you can't invite them but not the other set of children.

I also see no problem with inviting the 14 year old and leaving the others at home. There are adult events and family events. If you have decided to invite teenagers, but not children, then those kids can stay at home with a baby-sitter. When those children are older, then they may have the privelege of attending adult parties, just like any other privelege that comes with age.

When I was 14, I attended my uncle's wedding. They decided that they were hosting an event that was not kid-friendly. My sister was 11 or 12, and she was the youngest person there. My cousin, who was 16 or 17, was invited, but his little brother and sister were not invited.

 

[alli_esq]

Date: 1/13/2009 4:16:40 PM
Author: Guilty Pleasure
If you see these children an equal amount but just like one set of kids better, then it would probably be taken as a slight by the cousin who''s kids weren''t invited. However, if you see the other family a lot more, and that''s the reason you are close to them, I see no reason why you can''t invite them but not the other set of children.

I also see no problem with inviting the 14 year old and leaving the others at home. There are adult events and family events. If you have decided to invite teenagers, but not children, then those kids can stay at home with a baby-sitter. When those children are older, then they may have the privelege of attending adult parties, just like any other privelege that comes with age.

well, the cousins I want to invite are kids who live in Atlanta. I went to college in Atlanta and spent a LOT of time with them when I went to school there, but until a recent family event, I hadn''t seen them in about 3 years (though I speak to them pretty often, and text message with my 13 year-old cousin).

the other kids who I do not really want to invite live right here in NY, but I never (EVER) see them. I hadn''t even met their 4 year-old daughter until a recent family event, and hadn''t spoken to them at all in about 6 years...also, their mother told me recently that she wouldn''t expect kids to be invited (but I think that she was under the assumption that NO kids would be invited--not just her own kids), since she didn''t have kids (namely: me) at her own wedding.

does that help? I just don''t want to do the wrong thing!

 

[fieryred33143]

I just keep thinking that these kids are going to feel really awful, even if they aren''t close to you.

I would say that if you don''t want to extend the invite to the children of friend''s, then don''t. But if you are going to invite one set of cousins, then you should invite them all.

And even though the mom doesn''t expect an invite for her kids, once she''s at the wedding and sees the other kids...she''ll know hers wasn''t invited on purpose.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

It''s really easy for me to say, "Don''t invite them. You don''t really know them, which is a FINE reason to not invite someone, family member, child, or otherwise!"

However, I don''t know if your family will have some weird blow-up over it. Personally, I don''t think it''s that big of a deal. It sounds like the cousin and his wife are getting a courtesy invite in the first place, so tacking on 3 children isn''t necessary. I am inviting one of my mother''s cousins because she wants to, but I am not inviting their children. There will be other children at the reception, but I don''t think that has any bearing on whether they should be invited. In general, I am inviting the people (children too) that I have a relationship with.

You should just pick a rule, and stick to it. Are you going to invite everyone? Are you going to invite only those whom you have a relationship with? Are you going to invite wedding party children only? Are you going to have an age cut-off?

As long as you have a "rule" - you''re fine.

 

[wannaBMrsH]

Ok, I am from the camp that says that you should not be forced to invite anyone you don''t want to your wedding. The only children in dispute are the cousin''s kids because of the similarities to the wanted kids (sorry, I couldn''t resist).

Make your cut off at 16, and give the other two wanted 14 and 13 year old, roles in the wedding, even if it is symbolic. If your cousin asks you why they were invited and yours weren''t, say your cutoff was 16 and these kids were not only OOT guests, but in the bridal party as well.

Is that too harsh?

 

[LauraBabe08]

I have a similar kid situations. We only extended the invites to cousins. A lot of my cousins are children, therefore they are invited. Some of FI''s cousins are married w/ children. The cousins children are not invited. Apparently this might cause a prob according to his mother, but oh well. It is our wedding, and we had to draw the line somewhere. The kid iniviting thing is consistent though, so people should understand when we explain.

 

[Gwyn]

okay so, from what I have gathered in my research, "etiquette" says if you are not inviting ALL kids you shouldnt invite ANY.

I personally think thats kind of dumb though. If "etiquette" allows you to invite the adults you want to invite and exclude others. Ans also invite some people with or without dates, you should be able to pick and chose which kids you allow to bring.

I do think that if you invited an older sibling and not a younger one (doesnt look like you are in that situation here but people keep mentioning it so maybe I misread), that the younger one (s) (depending on age) would feel pretty slighted. But kids dont understand these kinds of things and their feelings are easily hurt so it is expected. The parent of the child should be understanding and not feel insulted (I say should be because I feel they should be. Not everyone is like me though so be prepared for that).

I do not think adding in kinds to your wedding party just so you dont feel bad inviting them and not others, is a good idea. I mean, unless you were planning on doing so anyway, its more of a hassle and pain to coordinate with the kids and their parents (if they are driving them) work out attire etc. And who wants to add to their to do lists?

I vote, invite those you want, don't invite those you don't be kind and tactful when possible and deal with the fall out (if any) when it happens.

DH and I went through a little bit of inner turmoil when we decided to not invite any kids. We did it in a way we thought was best and hoped for the best. We lucked out, noone was offended in the slightest. Afterwards we felt we had wasted so much time and energy just worrying about the guests reactions.

One of the things DH and I agree on is there is alot of needless "what if" worrying in the whole wedding planning process.

I guess everyone just has to go through it to learn that lesson.

Good Luck