Inviting ex to wedding?

[ysj99]

Are you girls inviting your exes to the wedding?

I have a wierd, but probably not so uncommon, situation... one of my (formerly) close friends is dating one of my exes. I will probably still invite her, but not the boyfriend (ex) even though we are still friends. I''ve received comments like, "I can''t believe you''re not going to let her bring a guest," or "Don''t you think you''re being kind of strict?" What do you think? Our guest list is already going to be pretty tight (A LOT of family).

Another question... I was talking with a friend and telling her that I was not planning to invite any of my exes, even thought I am still friends with my them. I guess she thought this was pretty appalling and even suggested that I call the exes before sending out invitations to explain why they would not be invited!! Have any of you girls ever received a comment like this? Are any of you actually telling your ex they aren''t invited? I figured exes assume they aren''t invited to the wedding.

 

[brooklyngirl]

I don''t have any advice on whether to invite an ex or not, but how does your FI feel about inviting exes?

If you''re still friends with your exes, it might not be a bad idea to let them know they aren''t invited beforehand. If they''re real friends they are probably happy for you and want to celebrate with you.

 

[brandy_z28]

I''m not specifically inviting an ex to my wedding but his dad, dad''s girlfriend, and aunts are invited and coming to Vegas. They will be helping us with watching the kids. They''re great people. I personally don''t have a problem with inviting an ex but we don''t get a long that well. He never sees the kids except when his dad or aunt guilt him into it. If you do have a good relationship with your ex and your fiancée doesn''t mind then I wouldn''t think it would be an issue. But I interpreted your post as if you didn''t want them there. What does your friend that''s now dating the ex think?

 

[jstarfireb]

Well, I only have one ex-bf, but we''re friendly and I wanted to invite him. FI, however, was really uncomfortable with the idea. I can understand that, so I''m not inviting him. So I guess talk to your FI and see what he thinks about it.

 

[Lulie]

I wouldn't for one simple reason: My future husband, how would you feel if he invites his ex? Sorry to be blunt, please forgive me, but he deserves some respect my dear, no need to explain anything to anyone. Best of luck

 

[Izzy03]

Are you calling anyone else to inform them that they are not invited to your wedding? If not why would this be different with your exes? Either someone is invited or they are not, personally I would think it was weird if someone called me to inform me that I would not receive an invite.

As for your friend who is dating your ex, are you letting other singles bring dates? We are not letting singles bring guests to our weddings. Only those in serious relationships. I do not think you should feel the need to invite him unless they have been dating long-term. If that is the case, you have to make that decision with your fiance. You did say the guest list is tight....

Keep us informed, and good luck!

 

[mayachel]

I haven''t maintained friendships with any of my exes. Casual politeness, yes, but not friendship. Meanwhile, my fiance has a circle of friends of my college, where everyone has been inviting everyone else to their chain of weddings...his long time ex is part of this crowd. I feel VERY awkward about having her at our wedding, and I understand how pointedly excluded she would seem if we don''t invite her. My advice, don''t make your husband-to-be, be the one to bring it up, or be the "bad guy" who doesn''t want him there.

 

[ysj99]

Thank you everyone for your replies! It''s funny because although these replies were different, they are all thoughts that have ran through my mind regarding this issue.

brooklyn, brandy, jstar, lulie - Me and FI have both agreed that we don''t want any exes at the wedding. We see the wedding as the beginning of our future, and so our rationale in not inviting exes is, why invite the past to a celebration of the future, right? Unfortunately, I''ve been getting a lot of slack for this way of thinking and i''m pretty sure it''s because one of my exes is now dating a friend of mine who will be invited.

izzy - You make a really great point. It seems more rude to call someone to say "hi, I''d just like you to know that you aren''t invited to my upcoming wedding" than to just let them figure it out when they don''t receive an invitation. We will also be letting our guests bring their significant others (if they have been dating at least a year). My friend and the ex do fit into this category... so there''s a double standard there. Probably why I''ve been getting slack for my thinking...

mayachel - I totally agree. FI and I have talked about this some, I''m usually the one to bring it up. I know his ex won''t be invited because she lives really far away and he really doesn''t maintain any connections with her. I just feel guilty lately, feeling like I''m the bad guy here!!

 

[bee*]

As others said, if your Fi doesn''t want them there then that''s what you should do. As for the friend that''s dating one of them, if they''ve been going out a while and other people have their bf/gf with them, then I''d probably invite him.

 

[sba771]

I am torn on the issue. I have acually met my FI''s EX and we had a meal and I asked him if he is inviting her and he still doesn''t know. I have no problem if he does. I have 2 exes that I am considering. I am definitely inviting 1 of them because he and I talk often and agreed pretty quickly when we started dating that we would be better off as friends. I talk about him to the FI so there is no weirdness or jealousy. The other ex I don''t think I will end up inviting. I only have nice feelings towards him, but we had discussed marriage and even getting back together right before I met my FI. In fact it was hard to make the text/call to him to tell him I was engaged. I think it would just be too strange to have him there, but I only wish him the best.

 

[Octavia]

Hmm...this is an odd situation. I did go to one ex''s wedding; then-BF, now-FI was invited but his friends were getting married the same day so he attended theirs. Said ex and his wife will be invited to our wedding, but I wouldn''t dream of inviting any of the other guys I''ve dated, and none of FI''s exes are in his life anymore. I guess a lot depends on what kind of an ex the person is...for me, this guy is someone I was friends with for years, dated in high school and early freshman year of college, and have remained friends with ever since. The romantic part of the relationship was never going to last and we both knew it, so there was no bitterness and nothing for future partners to feel threatened by. And I''d feel absolutely fine if FI wanted to invite someone with whom he had similar history.

In your case, though, it''s different because the ex isn''t the person you intend to invite, he''s an incidental guest...and that makes it a lot more awkward. I notice that you called the girl a "(formerly) close friend," which makes me wonder if it''s even worth the stress of inviting her but not him and dealing with everyone''s comments. Is she someone you want at the wedding that badly? Is she going to assume, since everyone else in the category gets invited with a SO, that he gets invited too? If so, how will you handle that? Is she still a close enough friend that you can explain the situation to her and she''ll understand? Will she know other people there, and will she actually attend if she''s not allowed to bring him? There''s no right answer to the situation, and since you and your FI have set a "no exes policy," I guess it''s just a matter of picking your battles here (i.e. invite her alone and deal with the comments you''ve been getting, or don''t invite either of them and deal with whatever comes of that). Good luck!

 

[Winks_Elf]

As far as I'm conscerned, there is no need for inviting the ex. To me, it's kinda creepy. Will they be sitting in the pew, reminiscing in their mind the different ways they had the bride, and chuckling to themselves? Ick.

And there is no need to call someone and let them know they are not invited. If they didn't get the invitation in the mail, they won't know the specifics of it unless someone mentions it to them. I'd think they'd have the common sense to realize they're not invited then.

 

[Lulie]

OMG, WElf, you read my mind

Yukkkkko!
I'm sorry, but IF my friend is dating one of my exes she's NO LONGER my friend, I'd be polite, nothing else for one reason: Gossip.
We have attended weddings/funerals/anniversaries were even guys start chuckling over things like this after a drink.

It's your day after all

 

[musey]

Date: 1/22/2009 4:40:39 AM
Author: bee*
As others said, if your Fi doesn''t want them there then that''s what you should do. As for the friend that''s dating one of them, if they''ve been going out a while and other people have their bf/gf with them, then I''d probably invite him.

Agreed, though I''m sure that that particular decision would really depend on how you feel about that ex.

I didn''t invite any exes, mostly because I''m not on more than basic friendly terms with any of them, and we had a relatively small wedding. I don''t think I would have been excited if any of my husband''s exes had been present... not upset or anything, just a little awkward.

 

[Haven]

We did not invite any exes to our wedding. We never even thought about inviting either of them to the wedding. We are still friendly with both of them, and we''ve been to his ex''s house for about five get-togethers in the last five years (she''s married with kids), but we''re definitely not close enough to have wanted either of them at our wedding.

I agree that it would have felt strange, and if your FI does not want him there, then it''s a no-brainer.

 

[palomablancabride]

We didn''t invite any ex bfs/gfs to our wedding or any "friends" who we''ve had" "relations" with. FI had remained friends with a few women he had dated briefly/casually/had been intimate with and I didn''t mind that before we were married. However, when we got engaged I made it clear that I wouldn''t feel comfortable with him maintaining those friendships. One woman was a really good friend, but she was not invited to the wedding and that was hard for him because they had been such close friends in the past.

I have the same question as Octavia... if you aren''t close with this woman, maybe you just shouldn''t invite her?

 

[ysj99]

Thanks everyone! You all have made me feel more confident in my choice NOT to invite this guy to the wedding (and not to call and say "hello, here''s why i didn''t invite you").

Winks - that is creepy! I dont think this ex would do that, but the possibility of it... creepy!

Lulie - yes, I also thought that there was an unspoken rule that you don''t date an ex, especially an ex of a close friend! And when you do, you don''t sneak around and try to hide it!!

bee, sba, musey, haven, and paloma - thank you girls for your advice! Looks like someone isn''t getting a guest.

octavia - I had mentioned before to this girl of this "no ex" policy. She seemed surprised and didn''t really understand that that could make me feel awkward. Some people just don''t get it, do they?!

Lastly, to reply to everyone, unfortunately, I think I will have to invite this girl. Her twin sister will be invited. How uncanny is that? I think to invite one twin and not the other would be a total slap in the face, right? *sigh* How did wedding guest lists become so complicated?

 

[geckodani]

I had to chuckle when I saw this thread, because one of my exes was actually in my limo with me on the way to the ceremony, cracking jokes and keeping me from smoothing my skirts to death from nerves.

I believe the exact phrase was, "You okay there Tiger?" LOL. But that''s us, and we are weird, and I''m still really, really good friends with this guy. And he''s DH''s best friend, so there''s that too....

That said, if you guys aren''t comfortable inviting exes - don''t.