Introduction

[VikingP77]

Hello fellow waiters. I''ve feel so alone with these feelings this so it''s good to see boards out here like this to vent.
So I''ve been dating J a little over a year now, I am 32 he is 37. We''ve both said how marriage is in the cards for both of us since the beginning but I''ve been so back and forth and broken up with the poor guy like 10 times! It''s hard to explain but basically I just kept being unsure because he didn''t adore me or fawn all over me like guys in the past have. Now I realize he does but in healthy ways, honest ways. Like he''ll go out of his way to make sure my needs are taken care of. He just isn''t a send flowers for everything type of guy. He is genuine and doesn''t always say it but proves it with actions and I''m sorry to say I was looking for the poetic sparks guy.

So I just moved out from living with my sister and it was hard because I thought my next move would be with him but I won''t live together without a ring and he knows this. So I moved in with some roomies. I''m happy with the place but not so happy because it feels like a step back. I thought the next time I moved I would be engaged

He doesn''t bring up marriage and I''m sure he won''t until his jitters settle down. But oh now that I want him I want that proposal so badly! I''m doing my best but I feel depressed about waffling for so long and wasting time. *sigh*

Thanks for reading and add me to the list, oh and some diamond dust pretty please?

 

[Winks_Elf]

First, welcome!

Second, (((((BIG HUG!)))))

How long ago did you first start dating? When was the last time that you broke up with him and got back together? Unless you''ve been together for at least a year or two without breaking up, I''m sure he is very jittery as you''ve said. Have you sat down and had a talk with him about how you now understand how much he cares for you? I think that''s important for him to know. That might help his jitters.

 

[VikingP77]

We''ve been dating 13 months now. The last time I blew was about 2 months ago and it''s been good since then. I know it''s all my fault for screwing around but I''ve just had a hard time making a decision. Not because he isn''t a good guy and good for me but because I didn''t realize that.
A lot of it comes down to not trusting my decisions from the past. I''ve always picked the wrong guys and finally a great guy is in front of me and I got confused.

 

[RaiKai]

Well, I can understand him being jittery (or not being ready to get married to you yet) if you have broken it off around ten times. That is not a trend most would want in a marriage! I would not be willing to marry someone with whom we had not already built a stable, strong, mature relationship (i.e. not on-and-off). And as being engaged is for me about being ready to be married, he probably is not ready to get engaged yet either. Don't rush it. If you really are in this together for the long haul, a year is nothing.

I second Wink's Elf in saying wait until you have a period of 1-2 years of stability together before going the marriage route. All this on and off has also suspended some of the development of the relationship (and learning to know one another). and that is going to take time. And talk to him about your feelings. Have you brought up marriage with him? How did those discussions go? How does he feel about not living together unless you have a ring (and I assume by this you mean engagement)?

I am thinking perhaps you might want to consider some individual counseling for yourself, to explore a little more your own beliefs and experiences with relationships - such as to explore why sought that fawning sort of behavior as "proof" of love (as I am sure by this point you recognize that much of that fawning comes from infatuation or things other than "genuine mature love"). That is also not to say that mature love does not involve passion and flowers from time to time as well! Your reactions to "insecurity" (i.e breaking it off) and such might also be of benefit in further exploring.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 4/5/2010 11:30:45 AM
Author: VikingP77
We''ve been dating 13 months now. The last time I blew was about 2 months ago and it''s been good since then. I know it''s all my fault for screwing around but I''ve just had a hard time making a decision. Not because he isn''t a good guy and good for me but because I didn''t realize that.

A lot of it comes down to not trusting my decisions from the past. I''ve always picked the wrong guys and finally a great guy is in front of me and I got confused.

2 months is WAY too short for him to suddenly be ready to be married - or for you to be even. 10 breakups in 13 months is an extremely unstable pattern.

Also, be careful about rebounding into this "great guy" - I am not saying he is NOT a great guy, I am saying that you need to look at this relationship in the context of this relationship and the context of what you want and need in a relationship and partner, not in comparison as to the relationships of the past which makes it right now "automatically better".

 

[VikingP77]

Let me give some more info.....This is my first relationship in 2 years. I took time off went to counseling and heal myself. In the beginning he was not very vocal about his feelings so I didn''t realize how he felt so hence I felt insecure. I wasn''t used to that and didn''t know what to do. The only thing I knew how to do was run.
He is fine with not living together before marriage. I have only brought up marriage a couple times and it''s been positive.

 

[HappyNewLife]

hi there!

I''m in a similar relationship actually and thought maybe I could offer some level of calmness. My relationship started out very rocky because I had just broken things off with my (now-ex) husband. My SO and I have been through lots and lots of ups and downs, but through it all, and through two couples counseling sessions and many individual counseling sessions (for me), we have become a very happy, strong couple. We still argue on occasion and get all riled up over little things, but at the root of it we are a strong couple. Still, the couple break-ups and big blowouts we''ve had has made me jittery about committment too. I am the type of person that remembers and holds on to the negative, while my SO tends to get over stuff and move on in a positive manner. We too have only been together about 13 months by the way.

Perhaps your BF does that too and with additional harmony in your relationship he will come around. I know I have and am actively looking forward to being engaged this summer/Fall.

If you have doubts about how he feels, why not schedule a counseling session for the two of you? My sessions were amazingly positive for my relationship and I hope the same can happen to you.

Good luck! and chin up!

 

[VikingP77]

Oh HappyNewLife thank you! I refuse to believe every happy marriage starts out perfectly. Dating is hard these days! My SO is very easy-going and I stress the small stuff so he is very calming for me. We have been getting stronger and stronger everyday but it took me being responsible for my own happiness and realizing that he complimented me because he lets me do what I need to do and never criticizes me. Thanks for the positive response and the hope that comes with it!