Intro and problem with expectations

[lkc84]

Hi Ladies!!!

I have been lurking for awhile, and a conversation I had with BF today is what is driving me to come out of lurkdom and into the light I found PS while browsing/daydreaming, and I check back now and then to look at all the pretty, sparkly things

For some background: BF and I have been together for close to 8 years. We met in college and have been together since we were 20 (we are 28 now). We had to go long distance for 4 1/2 years when we both got jobs after graduation in seperate cities, but we survived and he moved back to our hometown (where I still live) earlier this year. We also just bought a house together

It's safe to say I have been a LIW for about 5 years, lol, but BF has just now gotten aboard the engagement train and said to expect an engagement by the end of 2012 However, we had a conversation today that got under my skin. We were talking about rings, and he casually mentioned the price range he was looking in. This range was roughly half of what I thought he would be in. I must have subconciously made a face, because BF immediately asked me what was wrong. I tried to play it off, but he persisted until I finally said I was disappointed with the budget I am truly embarassed I let my emotions show, but to be honest, we both have very well paying jobs, and I am a little hurt that I feel like he is "cheaping out" on me. I know he can find lovely things in that range, and if he can find something on par with what I had in mind for half the cost, I will be THRILLED. But now, I'm a little afraid. I know it's all about the promise, and to be honest, I truly will accept and love anything he is willing to give me, but I had to be a brat and vent somewhere. I feel awful. I feel like I came off as totally materialistic and that I am competing with our friends (the budget I had in mind was roughly what would get a ring similar to what the girls closest to me have. We (and the SOs) all have similar careers).

For the record, BF is very set on surprising me, and picking out the ring on his own. The only instructions I have given him are a few inspiration pictures, general guidelines (no yellow gold, round or square cuts of any type--round, OEC, radiant, asscher, etc), and strict instructions to avoid the mall stores at all cost I have looked a little, but haven't done too much research since I know I will have little to no input in the process. I'm okay with this, and I have faith in his taste and that he will find something I love. I guess I am most worried that my idea/hopes of what the ring will look like, and its size and quality, will vary greatly from what BF actually gets.

I think I just need someone to knock some sense into me and tell me to chill out. I have talked to him, and he understands where I am coming from, but is standing firm on his budget. I know in the long run he's being smart financially, but there is this whiny girl inside of me going "we've been together 8 YEARS...I want a big, awesome, sparkly!!" that just needs to vent.

Thanks!!

P.S.--I guess I should be added to the list, too

 

[sonnyjane]

Well now I'm just plain curious what the budget is. If you were expecting $5,000 and he thinks $1,000 is his limit, then I can totally side with you! If you think $20,000 is reasonable and he is only willing to pay half of that, then I'd probably side with him. Ya dig?

Also, I know you say he wants it to be an absolute surprise, but would he be willing to maybe let you contribute a little money to your ring? I know that many posters on the boards have paid something additional toward their ring to make sure they got what they wanted.

 

[lin_ny]

Ditto to what sonny said. I'm curious too.

Here's my take and it's basically exactly what sonny is saying. If what I had in mind was $5k and he's gonna spend under $2k... I'd be a bit skeptical and disappointed, maybe even peeved after being together for so long. But if what I wanted/hand in mind was $50k and he wanted to spend $25, I'd be like okay, self... $25k is a lot to spend on a piece of jewelry.

Hope none of this offends and just get that we all feels ya on the expectation thing... and keep your chin up... by the looks of it you'll only be a LIW for another month or two - you lucky ducky!!

 

[lkc84]

Thanks!! Including the budget might have been a good idea. I was expecting $6000-8000, which is pretty average among my group of friends and with our incomes/savings, very doable. BF mentioned more $3000-4000 range. So not a crazy difference, but enough to catch me off guard. I also talked to him tonight, and from what I gathered, he really hasn't done much research/shopping and I don't really think he knows what he's getting into. He thinks he can still find a ring and have it ready by the end of the year. That scares me a little!

BF would not be opposed to me contributing money. Actually, I kind of already am. We pooled our savings for the down payment on the house, and the remainder is where we can pull the ring money from. I would have no problem contributing more to get what I want, but I'm not sure how best to go about broaching that. This conversation already was touchy.

I do think he can find something nice in the $3-4k range, I'm just afraid about finger coverage and quality. I have very long, skinny, size 7 fingers that I affectionately refer to as my "man hands". So I really would like something .9-1.5 carats. I really don't have a dream ring, but I'm into oval cuts recently, and I'm very intrigued by the OEC. I pretty much just want a solitaire with a little something extra to make it interesting. I want to help him and point him in the right direction to get the best price for something I love, but he's very much a guy who wants to do it on his own

 

[lin_ny]

Thanks!! Including the budget might have been a good idea. I was expecting $6000-8000, which is pretty average among my group of friends and with our incomes/savings, very doable. BF mentioned more $3000-4000 range. So not a crazy difference, but enough to catch me off guard. I also talked to him tonight, and from what I gathered, he really hasn't done much research/shopping and I don't really think he knows what he's getting into. He thinks he can still find a ring and have it ready by the end of the year. That scares me a little!

BF would not be opposed to me contributing money. Actually, I kind of already am. We pooled our savings for the down payment on the house, and the remainder is where we can pull the ring money from. I would have no problem contributing more to get what I want, but I'm not sure how best to go about broaching that. This conversation already was touchy.

I do think he can find something nice in the $3-4k range, I'm just afraid about finger coverage and quality. I have very long, skinny, size 7 fingers that I affectionately refer to as my "man hands". So I really would like something .9-1.5 carats. I really don't have a dream ring, but I'm into oval cuts recently, and I'm very intrigued by the OEC. I pretty much just want a solitaire with a little something extra to make it interesting. I want to help him and point him in the right direction to get the best price for something I love, but he's very much a guy who wants to do it on his own

I'm positive my bf is this person too... but I've turned into a engagement-ring-researching fiend who is slightly crazy and apparently I won't stop until I find the stone of my dreams!!!! I can never go back now. I'm doomed. Don't become this.

Anyway, I think your expectations of budget are reasonable. Like I said, we all have those expectations. My boyfriend was thinking the same-ish budget (3-4k). Now I'm stretching it to 6-7k and I'm gonna pitch in so that I can get the stone I really want. I put $20k down on our house so I think I deserve it.

 

[madelise]

Welcome!

Okay, your SO hasn't gone shopping yet, right? He might just be giving you a price, without even knowing how much $$ diamonds and rings actually COST!

My coworkers (and most guys) have this perception. One guy was getting engaged, and this old lady said, "if you love her, you have to buy her at least 2 carats. you have to spend AT LEAST $5k on it". I didn't say anything, but c'mon! We all know you can't buy a decent 2 carat diamond AND its ring with $5k! My other coworker told me the other night that his ex-wife had a 12 carat ring. ROFL. Yes, and supposedly he only spent 2k on it! Some guys truly just have no idea how much jewelry costs, and what all those little details regarding carat weight, size, clarity, etc etc really are.

Maybe your SO just really has no idea? You said you haven't even done the research yourself, so I'm guessing he's done even less than that at this point? If he has a specific idea in his head about a certain size or quality he wants, then sees the true cost to the item, he may have to budge a bit.

*OR* he really is firm on budget, because he's being extremely practical, and doesn't care what size/whatever ring he gets, as long as it's the best bang for his budget buck.

Anyway, I'll save you the crap about "if you love him, you'd marry him with an onion ring" junk that the other forums might tell you. You obviously know that. I get that you guys want it to be a surprise. But do you think you can at least go LOOK at rings together? Try on sizes of diamonds, different shapes? You listed quite a bit of options for shape… maybe you should narrow it down to ONE.. maybe TWO options?

OECs and ovals will probably get a better bang for your buck than MRBs will, but OECs and ovals are trickier to shop for. *BUT* with OECs, you can go down in color a bit since they face up whiter.. so that should save some of the budget.. and ovals just face up larger to begin with. Both don't demand as high of a premium as the more popular MRB.

**BUT** they're all different. I don't think you can truly know what will be best for you until you try them on or see them in person. Asschers (step cuts) perform COMPLETELY different, Radiants have more of a "crushed ice" appearance, OECs are more chunky…. girl, you're all over the place with your options! And if he truly is as practical of a guy as he seems, sticking to a strict budget regardless of wealth and all… then I'm sure he understands that a 5k purchase, made without your input, for YOU to wear, may not be the most logical approach?

If he does end up sticking with the stricter budget, do you think you'd be happier (and let him know) with spending the bulk of it on the diamond, and getting a temporary setting for the time being until you upgrade it later on for an event/anniversary?


and GIRLLLLLLLLLL.. You've been a LIW for FIVE YEARS?! How are you still sane and alive? LOL! I'm on year two, and it's seriously taking a hugeeee emotional toll on me! I give you major props and kudos!!

 

[gem_anemone]

Have the two of you gone and tried on diamonds to get an idea of a size you two would be happy with? I only ask because before my husband (boyfriend at the time) and I went ring shopping we had a budget, but after we tried on rings our budget doubled because both of us didn't like the size we could get for the quality diamond we were wanting. I also have a size 7 finger!

 

[lkc84]

I'm gonna pitch in so that I can get the stone I really want. I put $20k down on our house so I think I deserve it.

Heck yes you do, girl!! $20k is a huge chunk of change!

 

[LibbyLA]

lkc84,

You mention liking oval cuts. Ovals are among the cuts that tend to be less pricey and face up larger than many other cuts for their weight. There are fewer of them than rounds and princess cuts, but there's also less competition. Your boyfriend probably can get an oval that's about a carat (possibly a little more) for that budget. You may have to go with a lower color and clarity to maximize size, but that budget can get something lovely.

Try doing a search here on PS and limit the dept to something like 58-62 or 63%, GIA graded stones only.

liz

 

[lkc84]

Welcome!

Okay, your SO hasn't gone shopping yet, right? He might just be giving you a price, without even knowing how much $$ diamonds and rings actually COST!

My coworkers (and most guys) have this perception. One guy was getting engaged, and this old lady said, "if you love her, you have to buy her at least 2 carats. you have to spend AT LEAST $5k on it". I didn't say anything, but c'mon! We all know you can't buy a decent 2 carat diamond AND its ring with $5k! My other coworker told me the other night that his ex-wife had a 12 carat ring. ROFL. Yes, and supposedly he only spent 2k on it! Some guys truly just have no idea how much jewelry costs, and what all those little details regarding carat weight, size, clarity, etc etc really are.

Maybe your SO just really has no idea? You said you haven't even done the research yourself, so I'm guessing he's done even less than that at this point? If he has a specific idea in his head about a certain size or quality he wants, then sees the true cost to the item, he may have to budge a bit.

*OR* he really is firm on budget, because he's being extremely practical, and doesn't care what size/whatever ring he gets, as long as it's the best bang for his budget buck.

Anyway, I'll save you the crap about "if you love him, you'd marry him with an onion ring" junk that the other forums might tell you. You obviously know that. I get that you guys want it to be a surprise. But do you think you can at least go LOOK at rings together? Try on sizes of diamonds, different shapes? You listed quite a bit of options for shape… maybe you should narrow it down to ONE.. maybe TWO options?

OECs and ovals will probably get a better bang for your buck than MRBs will, but OECs and ovals are trickier to shop for. *BUT* with OECs, you can go down in color a bit since they face up whiter.. so that should save some of the budget.. and ovals just face up larger to begin with. Both don't demand as high of a premium as the more popular MRB.

**BUT** they're all different. I don't think you can truly know what will be best for you until you try them on or see them in person. Asschers (step cuts) perform COMPLETELY different, Radiants have more of a "crushed ice" appearance, OECs are more chunky…. girl, you're all over the place with your options! And if he truly is as practical of a guy as he seems, sticking to a strict budget regardless of wealth and all… then I'm sure he understands that a 5k purchase, made without your input, for YOU to wear, may not be the most logical approach?

If he does end up sticking with the stricter budget, do you think you'd be happier (and let him know) with spending the bulk of it on the diamond, and getting a temporary setting for the time being until you upgrade it later on for an event/anniversary?


and GIRLLLLLLLLLL.. You've been a LIW for FIVE YEARS?! How are you still sane and alive? LOL! I'm on year two, and it's seriously taking a hugeeee emotional toll on me! I give you major props and kudos!!

Wow, thanks Madalise, you make a ton of good points! I am all over the place, I think it's a product of me trying to be laid back and being happy with whatever BF chooses. I think in the long run, though, I only made things harder. I think I will try to talk to him about going shopping together to get a better idea of what I want. He has always been against it, but I think yesterday made it clear that we both have very different ideas about what we want! I told him that this is super important to me, and I want to love it because it's a token of commitment from him (after soooo long, lol!). Hopefully, that will sway him. I think he's a combination of really having no idea of what you get for the money, and the fact that he's very, very practical. He has a hard time spending money on anything large (I think he almost broke out in hives when we bought our house!) and even though he's usually happy with the purchase after the fact, it takes him a bit to get over the sticker shock and the thought of his savings taking a hit. He would never buy something like this on credit.

12 carats for $2k...really?? LOL

I would be very happy with the bulk going to the diamond, and a very simple solitaire setting. It also gives me an excuse to get a fancier wedding band.

And thanks for the props, I wonder sometimes how I'm still sane! I think year two was the hardest year for me. I seriously was a fire-breathing crazy person, so I feel your pain!! I hope your wait ends much sooner than mine!! I'm very lucky to have sisters and close friends who can talk me down from the ledge when I start to lose my cool. There have been some LIW moments I'm definitely not proud of

 

[lkc84]

lkc84,

You mention liking oval cuts. Ovals are among the cuts that tend to be less pricey and face up larger than many other cuts for their weight. There are fewer of them than rounds and princess cuts, but there's also less competition. Your boyfriend probably can get an oval that's about a carat (possibly a little more) for that budget. You may have to go with a lower color and clarity to maximize size, but that budget can get something lovely.

Try doing a search here on PS and limit the dept to something like 58-62 or 63%, GIA graded stones only.

liz

I definitely will do that!! Thanks for the advice!!! Hearing that just made my day

 

[lin_ny]

Wow, thanks Madalise, you make a ton of good points! I am all over the place, I think it's a product of me trying to be laid back and being happy with whatever BF chooses. I think in the long run, though, I only made things harder. I think I will try to talk to him about going shopping together to get a better idea of what I want. He has always been against it, but I think yesterday made it clear that we both have very different ideas about what we want! I told him that this is super important to me, and I want to love it because it's a token of commitment from him (after soooo long, lol!). Hopefully, that will sway him. I think he's a combination of really having no idea of what you get for the money, and the fact that he's very, very practical. He has a hard time spending money on anything large (I think he almost broke out in hives when we bought our house!) and even though he's usually happy with the purchase after the fact, it takes him a bit to get over the sticker shock and the thought of his savings taking a hit. He would never buy something like this on credit.

12 carats for $2k...really?? LOL

I would be very happy with the bulk going to the diamond, and a very simple solitaire setting. It also gives me an excuse to get a fancier wedding band.

And thanks for the props, I wonder sometimes how I'm still sane! I think year two was the hardest year for me. I seriously was a fire-breathing crazy person, so I feel your pain!! I hope your wait ends much sooner than mine!! I'm very lucky to have sisters and close friends who can talk me down from the ledge when I start to lose my cool. There have been some LIW moments I'm definitely not proud of

Sometimes I flat out BEG for marriage and babies. It's pathetic.

 

[madelise]

Lol, it was either one, the other, or a mix of both reasons But I suspect what will happen will be similar to gem_anemone's experience.

I'm like your BF. I've grown up extremely poor (wait! still am! student here!), so I get anxious about spending large amounts of money at once. $100? No big deal. $1k+? I'm sweating. DIAMONDS? Oh hell, somebody get me some Xanax! **BUT** someone who does appreciate the dollar like this would definitely never want to "waste" the money… and any risk to that money = more of an anxiety attack! I definitely think you having zero input is putting in more risk. What you *CAN* do, however, if he/yourself doesn't budge and refuseeeeee, absolutely refuse on it being anything less than a complete surprise..

- Have him spend <$300 on the setting. BASIC, BASIC peg head setting. You can at least scrap the gold later, and didn't waste $ on the design or labor.
- Spend the rest of the $ on the diamond.
- Buy from a well known jewelry store (preferably a PS used and abused, been there, done that, millions of reviews - type of place)
- Make sure the stone has a trade in/upgrade policy for a minimal upgrade/trade in price. Some places make you do double the value of the first stone… like Tiffany's. That's a no fly zone, since a $5k stone -> $10k is a HUGE jump. I know OWD and GOG do $1 upgrade/trade in's. GOG also does a 75% buy-back. That way, if by any slight reason you are unhappy with the diamond choice, you can at least still do something about it, and you didn't "lose money". Or at least not a lot of it. "Returns within 30/60 days" places don't really work for me because, well, from first hand experience… date of purchase -> date of proposal can take more than that many days! I've had my diamond since June! LOL!


OR. You can just be part of the decisions from the get go I guarantee you. I ran my SO over, and did all the choosing. He picked up the ring. I haven't seen it. I will be surprised. I have no idea when it's coming. then you can *really* put his 5k to use by opening a Rocky Talky thread, and getting support there to buy the best bang for your buck. Or even buy preowned through pre-loved or DB.. or eBay, even (though I *DON'T* suggest this if you don't open a RT thread to get help! I don't want you swindled )

 

[lovebug1031]

Well now I'm just plain curious what the budget is. If you were expecting $5,000 and he thinks $1,000 is his limit, then I can totally side with you! If you think $20,000 is reasonable and he is only willing to pay half of that, then I'd probably side with him. Ya dig?

Also, I know you say he wants it to be an absolute surprise, but would he be willing to maybe let you contribute a little money to your ring? I know that many posters on the boards have paid something additional toward their ring to make sure they got what they wanted.

I actually JUST had this same convo with my bf - knowing that he makes close to $100,000/year(we also live together) his budget was MUCH smaller than what I was thinking - like $1000-$2000 total. I was pretty bummed - and anytime I try to bring it up he says i'm being shallow - and i never know how to counter that...so i just leave it. Sorry you're dealing with this

 

[lkc84]

Well now I'm just plain curious what the budget is. If you were expecting $5,000 and he thinks $1,000 is his limit, then I can totally side with you! If you think $20,000 is reasonable and he is only willing to pay half of that, then I'd probably side with him. Ya dig?

Also, I know you say he wants it to be an absolute surprise, but would he be willing to maybe let you contribute a little money to your ring? I know that many posters on the boards have paid something additional toward their ring to make sure they got what they wanted.

I actually JUST had this same convo with my bf - knowing that he makes close to $100,000/year(we also live together) his budget was MUCH smaller than what I was thinking - like $1000-$2000 total. I was pretty bummed - and anytime I try to bring it up he says i'm being shallow - and i never know how to counter that...so i just leave it. Sorry you're dealing with this

Ouch. I know exactly how you feel. You feel like he can easily afford so much more, but there's no way to really bring it up without sounding materalistic.

 

[Chewbacca]

This is what the anniversary upgrade was invented for, right?

I'm interested to hear what happens once he starts shopping and sees prices! I hope you can do an initial together-shop, I think that would be a huge help for both of you!

PS. Eight years! LIW guru!

 

[AmeliaG]

If he's dead set on surprising you, tell him you want an AGS 000 round brilliant diamond and would like to get around a carat; I'm assuming a carat is what most of your peers are getting if you're looking at a similar budget. AGS 000 assures you'll get the sparkliest diamond for his money and he won't have to deal with ASETS or numbers.

Let him decide the color and clarity so he has some control over the budget. If you tell him what he HAS to spend, he may justifiably get resentful. Give him choices; people like choices. They feel like they have a little control.

If you point him to Whiteflash, they have plenty of AGS 000 diamonds and he can still pick the setting out from a wonderful array of quality settings and the best part is that Whiteflash has a generous return period for both the diamond and the setting so if either of you are displeased with either the diamond or the setting, you're not stuck with it.

For once with engagement rings, I don't think it sounds shallow or overly competitive to want a comparable size diamond and budget to your peers. People do look at engagement rings and make judgements whether they admit to it or not. For later purchases you can have the luxury of not caring what other people think but for the ring that is going to announce your engagement to the world, I think there's nothing wrong with wanting it to be a worthy symbol in comparison to your peers (as long as all of you are in the same financial situation).

FWIW, I think an OEC or fancy shape purchase is better suited for a later diamond purchase. Since there is no standard for cut quality (I'm buying an Asscher now and its impossible to buy them by the numbers) I think you need to be heavily involved in the purchasing process for a fancy shaped or OEC stone and if you get severe pushback that he's determined to make it a surprise, an AGS 000 round brilliant is a safer bet. I've seen one and they're amazing and I didn't think I liked round brilliants.

 

[lin_ny]

This is what the anniversary upgrade was invented for, right?

I'm interested to hear what happens once he starts shopping and sees prices! I hope you can do an initial together-shop, I think that would be a huge help for both of you!

PS. Eight years! LIW guru!

You have the cutest avatar I've ever seen!!!

PS. 8 years? You are a goddess!!!

 

[lkc84]

If he's dead set on surprising you, tell him you want an AGS 000 round brilliant diamond and would like to get around a carat; I'm assuming a carat is what most of your peers are getting if you're looking at a similar budget. AGS 000 assures you'll get the sparkliest diamond for his money and he won't have to deal with ASETS or numbers.

Let him decide the color and clarity so he has some control over the budget. If you tell him what he HAS to spend, he may justifiably get resentful. Give him choices; people like choices. They feel like they have a little control.

If you point him to Whiteflash, they have plenty of AGS 000 diamonds and he can still pick the setting out from a wonderful array of quality settings and the best part is that Whiteflash has a generous return period for both the diamond and the setting so if either of you are displeased with either the diamond or the setting, you're not stuck with it.

For once with engagement rings, I don't think it sounds shallow or overly competitive to want a comparable size diamond and budget to your peers. People do look at engagement rings and make judgements whether they admit to it or not. For later purchases you can have the luxury of not caring what other people think but for the ring that is going to announce your engagement to the world, I think there's nothing wrong with wanting it to be a worthy symbol in comparison to your peers (as long as all of you are in the same financial situation).

FWIW, I think an OEC or fancy shape purchase is better suited for a later diamond purchase. Since there is no standard for cut quality (I'm buying an Asscher now and its impossible to buy them by the numbers) I think you need to be heavily involved in the purchasing process for a fancy shaped or OEC stone and if you get severe pushback that he's determined to make it a surprise, an AGS 000 round brilliant is a safer bet. I've seen one and they're amazing and I didn't think I liked round brilliants.

Thanks Amelia!! All of you ladies have been SO helpful and supportive! And you made me feel not insane about the competition part, too. I think I will like it here

I actually just talked to BF, and I "casually" dropped Whiteflash. He actually called me out saying "you've made sure to say it twice". LOL. I am pleasantly surprised, he has done more research than I thought. He has talked to people, and they have pointed him in the direction of Whiteflash and Blue Nile, so I do feel a lot better!! Now, to find a way to drop the AGS 000 piece....

I also mentioned that I really wanted to be in the neighborhood of 1ct, and that I was willing to pitch in if needed to get there. He said it was a very sweet gesture, but made no attempt to take me up on it. Hopefully a good sign!

 

[AmeliaG]

Your BF sounds like a nice, reasonable man. I like him already!

Thanks Amelia!! All of you ladies have been SO helpful and supportive! And you made me feel not insane about the competition part, too. I think I will like it here

I actually just talked to BF, and I "casually" dropped Whiteflash. He actually called me out saying "you've made sure to say it twice". LOL. I am pleasantly surprised, he has done more research than I thought. He has talked to people, and they have pointed him in the direction of Whiteflash and Blue Nile, so I do feel a lot better!! Now, to find a way to drop the AGS 000 piece....

I also mentioned that I really wanted to be in the neighborhood of 1ct, and that I was willing to pitch in if needed to get there. He said it was a very sweet gesture, but made no attempt to take me up on it. Hopefully a good sign!

Easy. Since he casually joked with you about bringing up Whiteflash, you could tell him that the only reason you mentioned WF is that you want the sparkliest diamond possible and you've heard Whiteflash carries the largest range of AGS 000 diamonds which you've read are the sparkliest cut diamonds out there. You can also tell him you've learned that investing in the diamond's cut rather than in color and clarity is more cost effective for getting a brilliant looking diamond.

Don't pass yourself off as an expert; just casually drop it in the conversation, like, 'I heard this' or 'I read this'. That will intrigue him.

He can't label you materialistic for wanting the sparkliest diamond possible, can he?

 

[antiquesparkler]

Welcome lkc!

8 Years?! Girl, you are my hero.

 

[seaurchin]

Well, since you did ask for opinions... I think when you've been together for eight years and own a home together and both have well-paying careers, it seems kind of beyond all this. It's not just his money, and it is your finger. Just because he may be frugal and he may like to run things does not mean it should always go his way. You may be wearing it for the rest of your life and you do contribute financially. I think that gives you a weighted vote and that you should get what you want rather than be stuck with something that is not what you want and biting your tongue for decades, eek! I'd tell him straight out and without apology that you really do not want a surprise but that your ring means a lot to you and you want to choose it yourself, that you do want a nice one and will pay the extra beyond what he wants to spend. Fifty years or so is just too way long to live with the wrong ring, lol. Good luck with it.

 

[AprilBaby]

My best friend and I were in your shoes 30 years ago. We both got very small diamonds because we had frugal husbands. Many many years later, and both of us with more balls as we aged, we got upgrades. Now this may sound terrible to some, but our husbands were so proud of the comments we got after the upgrade about how wonderful they were. I hope he realizes that yes, the ring really is a reflection of him, and a beautiful ring will make HIM look good!

 

[mandasand]

I think the best suggestion would be to go and look at rings in a store. Try to find a nice B&M in your area (not the mall). I think he will be super surprised about how much diamonds cost. My SO also wants to surprise me for the proposal, but I would think him a real butt-head if he didn't want my opinion or was not open to shopping with me. H

Honestly, the majority of guys don't even think about getting engaged like we do. Sometimes it will dawn on them that maybe it's time to get married. My guy told me something recently, he said there are usually two reasons a guy proposes. One is to shut you up. The second is because they are ready to get married - literally go the next day and make it legal. They only wait for a wedding to make you happy. This is obviously his opinion, but it makes sense to me.

 

[lkc84]

My best friend and I were in your shoes 30 years ago. We both got very small diamonds because we had frugal husbands. Many many years later, and both of us with more balls as we aged, we got upgrades.

LOL!! I'm glad you guys got your upgrades!

@mandasand: I totally buy your BFs explanation. Seems like lots of guys I know took FOREVER to propose, but then wanted to get married like 3 months later.

I went a little MIA the last few weeks because my baby sister got engaged!! It wasn't completely unexpected, but none of us thought it was going to happen as soon as it did. I had my breakdown for a day (BF felt terrible, he really didn't think they'd beat us to the punch), but then got really excited! It really opened the dialogue between BF and I. He started sending me ring specs (I did manage to get the AGS 000 in there, Amelia!) and asking for my opinion. He also even told me two of his proposal plans, I think mostly to prove he really has something up his sleeve. Silly boy, now he has to think of something else....unless it's a decoy, lol. Now he needs to hurry up, I think getting the chance to go to bridal shows together and sharing wedding ideas/planning with my sis will be super fun!!

 

[pandabee]

My best friend and I were in your shoes 30 years ago. We both got very small diamonds because we had frugal husbands. Many many years later, and both of us with more balls as we aged, we got upgrades.

LOL!! I'm glad you guys got your upgrades!

@mandasand: I totally buy your BFs explanation. Seems like lots of guys I know took FOREVER to propose, but then wanted to get married like 3 months later.

I went a little MIA the last few weeks because my baby sister got engaged!! It wasn't completely unexpected, but none of us thought it was going to happen as soon as it did. I had my breakdown for a day (BF felt terrible, he really didn't think they'd beat us to the punch), but then got really excited! It really opened the dialogue between BF and I. He started sending me ring specs (I did manage to get the AGS 000 in there, Amelia!) and asking for my opinion. He also even told me two of his proposal plans, I think mostly to prove he really has something up his sleeve. Silly boy, now he has to think of something else....unless it's a decoy, lol. Now he needs to hurry up, I think getting the chance to go to bridal shows together and sharing wedding ideas/planning with my sis will be super fun!!

aww congrats to your little sister!! I'm glad you are seeing the good, that you guys can *hopefully* be planning for everything together!! it'll definitely make it that much more exciting. that's pretty bold of him to tell you 2 of his (decoy) plans hehe. good to know he's thinking!!! hopefully it comes soon for you

 

[LaraOnline]

I feel sorry for you, lkc, as this is a situation you must suffer silently and graciously...men can be very comfortable dismissing your own tastes and preferences for 'silly jewellery' as materialistic / difficult / spoiled / whatever, at the same time as they moon about their sporting equipment / car / work tools / fishing stuff etc etc etc.

Alas, a man's sympathy for a woman's interests in jewellery is something that seems to grow - very, very slowly lol - over time.

I was in your situation! My husband and I had something of a whirlwhind romance, and so there was no time to save. We also were just starting a business when we became engaged. So, early 30s, professional people, and there I was shopping - ALONE (he was stuck at the business) for an engagement ring worth less than $1000!!!

I wonder if your man is determined to stick to his budget because he has already promised a 2012 proposal? Money is no object until you have to find it yourself iykwim.

I still have this little set, it is pretty gorgeous for what it was worth (took a lot of effort to find one suitable, let me tell ya)...but if my man had had more awareness of the true cost of diamond wedding jewellery, perhaps I would have had my 'forever' ring from the start.

Love is patient, love is kind....and you can have your lovely jewellery eventually, even if it seems impossible to achieve in the short term.

At the end of the day I figured, "Ah, if he expected me to wear it all my life, he would have paid more than 700 bucks for it."

 

[princesss]

I think the best suggestion would be to go and look at rings in a store. Try to find a nice B&M in your area (not the mall). I think he will be super surprised about how much diamonds cost. My SO also wants to surprise me for the proposal, but I would think him a real butt-head if he didn't want my opinion or was not open to shopping with me. H

Honestly, the majority of guys don't even think about getting engaged like we do. Sometimes it will dawn on them that maybe it's time to get married. My guy told me something recently, he said there are usually two reasons a guy proposes. One is to shut you up. The second is because they are ready to get married - literally go the next day and make it legal. They only wait for a wedding to make you happy. This is obviously his opinion, but it makes sense to me.

Yep, that basically sums up every engagement I've seen lately. It's kind of cute, though, listening to the guys. "She wants a year and a half engagement. Do we have to? Can't we just get married?" It's like, dude. You got months to plan your special event, let her have a couple to plan one! (Granted, I wouldn't want an 18 month engagement. I'm more of a "Well, if I said yes, it meant I was ready, right? So let's do this thing!" kind of girl. Plus, you know...visas.)

 

[LaraOnline]

Mandasand's suggestion - to go shopping with the BF - is a FANTASTIC idea....how else is he going to GET a CLUE??

I think the penny dropped for my man when I suggested I go off and drop a couple grand on a tinnie (open fishing boat) for him - as a surprise present.

Honestly, weren't these boys brought up right by their mamas lol?

You will have your 'revenge', girls....and it will be sweet...
if all else fails, there's a lovely five year anniversary ring with your name on it

 

[KuipersBelt]

12 carats oh my I want some for me just 2.00 carats is enough for me...

Dating for that long girl you are my hero!

The idea of a ring with your name on it, doesn't sound a bad idea with all the best for you.