Intro and guest list question

[ETrillion]

hello ladies!
ok basic intro. DF and I recently got engaged (after 8+ years of dating) and are planning a wedding for Oct. of 2011. We began dating when i was 15 and he was 17 and have been together every since. He''s a deputy sheriff and i''m a nursing student. We wanted a longer engagement in order to allow plenty of time for us to purchase a house and get settled in. We''re planning on having a late night coctail reception reception in our backyard and would like to keep the guest list as small and personal as possible. DF and I will be paying for everything and would not like to spend our life savings for a one day party.
I come from a very large extended family. I''m very close with everyone from my mom''s side but there are some issues with dad''s side. My siblings and i have been kinda of pushed off into a corner with my dad''s side. My dad has been the most successful out of his 7 borthers and sisters and he married my mother (who is irish) and the family has never accepted us or included us with family celebrations. Our family is so large that they have Monthly birthday parties and include everyone born in a particular month. My siblings and i have never been included in such parties. There are aunts and uncles and cousins that i am close with but as a whole, if i could, there would be people i would not invite if there were no consequences. Everyone in the famly is local and if i did not invite an aunt or uncle there would be some drama.
DF and I are controlling 100% of the guest list and will not be inviting any person under 21 (save for my 18yo sister who is a bridesmaid). Also we will not be allowing +1''s except for spouses, fiance(e)s, live in gf/bf, or couples who have been dating seriously over 1 year. our preliminary list comes to 55 people from my family, 10 of my friends, 20 people from his family and 41 of his friends. we wanted to keep it under 100, but this is as close to the numer we can get without sacrificing people we really want there.
My question is: are my guest list cut-offs fair and acceptable from an ettiquette standpoint? Our age requirement affects about 15 cousins/second cousins who I am not at all close to. How do i deal with upset aunts and uncles who will be offended? I''m already pushing my personal prefrence limits by inviting aunts and uncles i would rather not be there and i will not "just invite everyone to avoid conflict" out of principle and financial reasons.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Date: 4/25/2010 3:16:03 AM
Author:ETrillion
hello ladies!
ok basic intro. DF and I recently got engaged (after 8+ years of dating) and are planning a wedding for Oct. of 2011. We began dating when i was 15 and he was 17 and have been together every since. He''s a deputy sheriff and i''m a nursing student. We wanted a longer engagement in order to allow plenty of time for us to purchase a house and get settled in. We''re planning on having a late night coctail reception reception in our backyard and would like to keep the guest list as small and personal as possible. DF and I will be paying for everything and would not like to spend our life savings for a one day party.
I come from a very large extended family. I''m very close with everyone from my mom''s side but there are some issues with dad''s side. My siblings and i have been kinda of pushed off into a corner with my dad''s side. My dad has been the most successful out of his 7 borthers and sisters and he married my mother (who is irish) and the family has never accepted us or included us with family celebrations. Our family is so large that they have Monthly birthday parties and include everyone born in a particular month. My siblings and i have never been included in such parties. There are aunts and uncles and cousins that i am close with but as a whole, if i could, there would be people i would not invite if there were no consequences. Everyone in the famly is local and if i did not invite an aunt or uncle there would be some drama.
DF and I are controlling 100% of the guest list and will not be inviting any person under 21 (save for my 18yo sister who is a bridesmaid). Also we will not be allowing +1''s except for spouses, fiance(e)s, live in gf/bf, or couples who have been dating seriously over 1 year. our preliminary list comes to 55 people from my family, 10 of my friends, 20 people from his family and 41 of his friends. we wanted to keep it under 100, but this is as close to the numer we can get without sacrificing people we really want there.
My question is: are my guest list cut-offs fair and acceptable from an ettiquette standpoint? Our age requirement affects about 15 cousins/second cousins who I am not at all close to. How do i deal with upset aunts and uncles who will be offended? I''m already pushing my personal prefrence limits by inviting aunts and uncles i would rather not be there and i will not ''just invite everyone to avoid conflict'' out of principle and financial reasons.

Hi ETrillion! Welcome and congratulations on your engagement!!

I don''t come from a huge family so i have no personal experience with this, but i just wanted to say... if you don''t want to invite them don''t!!! It''s your money and your wedding. You have already stated that there are family members who have not included you in family celebrations, so i see no need for you to include them in your own. I also don''t think that there is anything wrong with your ''under 21 rule'' either. Remember.. it is your wedding!!

I would however, always point out the ''financial reasons'' rather than the ''principle'' behind not inviting everyone if you are asked.

Goodluck!!

 

[Bella_mezzo]

I think your guest list cut offs are fine. If there''s drama, just don''t accept it. It''s your wedding and the people who might be upset aren''t the ones you are close to...

 

[caribqueen]

I agree with HOT and Bella. It''s hard to please everyone and if you can''t afford to include everyone, then you simply can''t do it. Just know that there will be drama (as that''s hard to avoid with most any wedding) and stay strong and stick to your guns if anyone questions you about anything you''re doing.

Good luck with your planning.

 

[oddoneout]

It sounds reasonable to me.

 

[lulu66]

i''ve found that if i act like a decision i make won''t cause drama (even if i secretly think it might) it usually doesn''t. if people question you''re guest list, which they probably will, just state that you and your fiance have a desire to keep the guest list small & wanted to invite even number of guests (you & fi), so you couldn''t possibly invite every one of your aunts, uncles, & cousins and still have spaces for your fi family & friends.

oh, and hello

welcome to PS!! please stick around & share all your planning with us!

 

[Nov2109]

Just do whatever you are comfortable with...I did it and I am sticking to it. If you look back at some of my recent posts, I''ve had some people who were lets say...angry/upset I didn''t invite them with a guest...I stuck with my decision and if they are mad...so be it! Get over it! I was not going to not have friends at my wedding so people can bring guests! Its your wedding after all!

 

[RaiKai]

If you don''t want to invite them....don''t. Sure you might get some flack about it, but just don''t play into the drama. You may be surprised by how little flack you DO get.

Both DH and I have very, very large extended families. We only had 16 guests (out of 20 invited). I can say that NO one from either of our bio-father''s side of the family was invited - including our bio-fathers. I can say that we invited some friends rather than some step-siblings and so on.

Our criteria for our own guest list was....we only wanted those who had truly been there for us in our lives and who we were close to. Period. Did not matter whether they were blood related or not.

As for those who are unhappy....all you need to do is state that this is a matter between you, your fiance and that invited or non-invited guest ONLY. And that you just want to keep the guest list small. We really had very little flack. When we talked to those we had not invited, we just expressed we wanted a small wedding...they ALL seemed to be MORE than understanding and supportive. Most even affirmed that was the "way to go" (many had had much larger weddings). Some only found out after the fact. They were just as happy for us.

One day DH and I would like to have a larger vow renewal celebration (i.e. in ten years or so) but for the wedding...we opted for small and intimate. No regrets. We had a blast and we could afford (as we paid for it ourselves) to have a "wedding weekend" with our small guest list where we all got to relax at the Canadian resort we held it at, rather than just the "wedding day".

 

[FutureMrsMRS]

Welcome! You''ve probably been told a thousand times...it''s a day for you and FI, do what pleases you.

Simplistic but so true. It''s impossible to please all of the people, all of the time. The only exception is, of course, if a parent or grandparent, etc is footing the bill or a chunk of it...then they get some input. Which is why it''s nice to do it yourself -- no strings attached to your own money.

I had a cousin tell me that our family was "too big for me to have a small wedding" when her and her husband got married at the courthouse! LOL! Another cousin told me I "couldn''t NOT invite one of our cousins" (who I have NO relationship with) when she didn''t allow any children at her wedding (expect those belonging to people in the bridal party)! People will say what they will...develop a thicker skin and HAPPY PLANNING!