Interfaith marriage problems -- already started! :(

[krockie]

I think the real issue here is that your fiance needs to stick up for you - and that this has nothing to do with being Jewish. You and he are making a choice to spend your lives together, under your own terms. He needs to stand up to his family and defend your honor, so to speak, and protect your values and choices from their demands. The fact that he lets his family make those kinds of remarks to you is shocking.

I think I am also hurt by this slight Jew-bashing here, because in my situation its the opposite. My Jewish family has been nothing but delighted about my marriage to the Catholic man I love, while its his family that is visibly upset that their son is marrying a Jew. The difference here is that my fiancee stands up for me at every opportunity, and does not let his family walk all over me, or him. I''d think twice about the role your man is playing here on escalating the situation.

 

[KimberlyH]

I think the real issue here is that your fiance needs to stick up for you - and that this has nothing to do with being Jewish.

Ding, ding, ding...and we have a winner! He wants you to convert for the sake of his family? You will be his family, his numero uno priority, or you should be anyways and if that''s not the case you''ve got a rough road ahead of you. This is a subject the two of you need to come to an agreement on and then present a united front, with him taking the lead in regards to dealing with his family. This is a HUGE issue that should be worked out before I do''s are said.

 

[Ladyoflovers]

Yes, I totally agree with all of you. Krockie, I am very sorry to hurt your feelings. I didn''t mean to offend any Jewish person; my frustration is for narrow minded people who can be a member of any religion thinking that they are the best and the others are outsiders and shouldn''t be allowed among them. I just wish that noone would have to deal with these kinds of nonsense at this century.

I need to have a serious chat with FI. It is difficult though because he is trying to avoid that as much as he can. It is easier for him to run away and have me deal with his parents.

Maybe i should have him read this thread and all your comments first?

(PS: Winternight, thanks for your comments about TR, you are welcome to join us at our wedding on the Aegean coast this August! Well, if we will still have one.

)

 

[cara]

I really didn''t mean to Jew-bash, if you were referring to me, I just think that there are different motivations for people to be discriminatory and that it might help ladyoflovers to understand the Judaism-specific reasons her FMIL is upset that her son is marrying outside of his "religion". IMO, in this instance, Judaism is more a group of people with cultural ties and rules of membership and religious underpinning, hence the desire for Lady to convert even though it isn''t in her heart. If Lady''s FMIL were say a born again Christian, I don''t think that would be the case. The FMIL might be concerned that Lady was going to hell, or the grandchildren would not be raised Christian and suffer a similar fate. "Getting a piece of paper" to document her Christianity would not be an issue.

I''ve known of a Catholic mother who, even though her daughter was to be married by a Catholic priest in a Catholic Church, was very upset that the marriage wouldn''t be a sacrament because the groom was Jewish.

I''ve known of a Hindi Indian father who was absolutely devastated that his daughter was engaged to another vegetarian Hindi Indian who was of the wrong caste. This meant his daughter and all her children would not be Brahmin (sp?) and, as he was the last of his line, he would have no male descendants to pass on his {something important to him} to. And, since he was a very religous man, he felt he was required by his faith the disown his daughter if she went through with the marriage. He also felt he had failed as a father that his daughter would even consider this.

Anyway, my point is that understanding the particular reasons that one''s future inlaws are upset with your ethnicity or religion might at least illuminate their motivations and clue you into what you are signing on for family-wise. Certainly can''t feel good that the announcement of your marriage is met with dismay, and of course Lady''s FI should support and defend her to his parents. But in the case of the Hindi father above, no amount of defending, explanation, persuasion, etc. ultimately worked and the daughter called off the marriage.

 

[Ladyoflovers]

Date: 3/13/2007 10:47:59 PM
Author: Sophie
Wow, tough situation.

To give you my opinion, I must give you my bias. I was raised Greek orthodox, I am 100% greek. We only really go to church for holidays, and my parents don''t even do that anymore. I met my hubby while I was attending a Free-Methodist college, and already exploring other churches.
He is a pastor''s kid who was born and raised in Africa so I wasn''t sure how my parents would react to him, lol.

Anyway, we as a couple decided how we would have God in our lives. As far as wedding goes, we had a Greek Orthodox wedding and have baptized both of our kids GO but have also had their lives dedicated to God in the Free Methodist chuch as well.

it sounds to me that your FMIL is a bit of a ''religoius'' person and not a person who truly lives a life of faith, with a statement like

''
4 - i am just opposing the idea of having a piece of paper certifying the faith of a person or an institution''s decision. isn''t it supposed to be between me and God? His mother said something funny to me, she thinks, as long as I get the paper of conversion, i would be considered as jewish; no matter how i feel in my heart or what i practice


So, I don''t know if you can reason with someone who values the rules of their religion more than the true faith of it.


anyway, sorry this is so long, but the point is,
please be sure that you and your FI have a foundation for what you want in your lives as hubby and wife and figure out a way, together, to try and get your families on board.. this is not an easy difference, good luck!

Sophie, how did I miss this. Since you are Greek, you must have an idea about Turkish people, that we are pretty moderate people and open to different cultures and religions. It is nice to hear from an old "neighbor" here. One of my best friends in Istanbul was also Greek, unfortunately she passed away 3 years ago and she never got a chance to meet my FI. If she were still around, I''m sure she wouldn''t hesitate to fly to NY and have a "chat" with my FMIL and FSIL. Ah, I miss her...