Interesting article: "In defense of plus 1''s"

[rockzilla]

http://slate.com/blogs/blogs/browbeat/default.aspx

Thought this was an interesting article, but certainly controversial.

 

[yssie]

We're doing it by two "rules" - singles above 30 are invited to bring +1s, under-30's who've been in a relationship with someone for a year or more will be invited as a couple.


Yes, they're completely arbitrary choices. Yes, this means some people will have to choose between coming single or not attending. Yes, a few are no doubt unhappy about that. Every budget has a limit, and every couple has to decide where to funnel that budget.

Couple A and Couple B are going to make different choices, and neither has any right to judge the other. But they most likely will anyway, because the other viewpoint is "tacky!"

 

[ts44]

I felt this article was pretty self-aggrandizing on behalf of the writer. It''s delusional to think that your guests are carefully culling their list of available wedding dates to produce a "super-guest" that will be the life of the party. More likely than not you''re going to end up with your secretary''s sulky long-distance, tattooed boyfriend and your parent''s friend''s daughter''s best friend, who assumes every gathering is the perfect place for a political debate. Even Miss Manners thinks that single guests who demand a +1 are being selfish, as they are by definition not an acquaintance of the bride and groom and thus have little place at their wedding, an event that should be attended by friends and family.

The rules of etiquette state that spouses should always be invited, and they can (and should) be extended to the enfianced and the long-term relationships. That being said, I''m giving everybody on my guest list a +1 simply because I''m a chicken and didn''t want to deal with the drama I''d inevitably get. However, it does grate a little to be paying for all these people that I''ve never met in my life just so (horrors) my single guests wouldn''t be forced to mingle with other guests for social opportunities and conversation.

 

[Clairitek]

I'll go ahead and admit that when we were planning a larger wedding I wasn't planning on giving +1s to those not in a relationship. Originally I had the rule in my head that if there wasn't a ring involved, no +1. Then I came around a bit and decided that if a guest was in a relationship and I had at least heard about the significant other, the SO would have gotten an invite. I ended up having a super small wedding with very limited seating for dinner. We didn't extend +1s to anyone except for those married or engaged. There was only one other person invited who was in a relationship (but not married or engaged). I originally was not going to invite my MOHs on-again, off-again boyfriend (even though I'd met him several times over the years) but then I had a change of heart just before the wedding and invited him anyway. I think my MOH had more fun having him there and I'm glad I came around. All of the rest of our friends who were single at the time, came alone. As far as I can see they all had a great time. They all knew at least a few other people in attendance (35 people total including us) so I knew they wouldn't be lonely. In fact, the majority of the single friends at the wedding are all in a big group of DHs friends from college so they all knew each other extremely well.

I do feel like the author is right about a few things. It was very judgemental of his friends to not invite his girlfriend to a wedding since he hasn't put a ring on it yet, but they have clearly demonstrated that they are committed by the length of their relationship (strikes me as even more judgey and controlling since the girlfriend and author had been together longer than the couple getting married). The fact of the matter is that your guests will have a better time if they are able to bring their SO. I personally view throwing a reception as a sort of thank you to your family and friends for supporting you and your relationship over the years. Yes, its also about recognizing the marriage as well, but whats the point of it if your guests are lonely and bored?

ETA: Had I done a bigger wedding, I don't think that I would have given +1s to single people, unless they wouldn't know anyone else at the wedding. But, as I mentioned in the first paragraph about my wedding, we didn't give +1s to single people because they were coming as a big group.

 

[bobbin]

I think the fact that he isn''t married speaks volumes here.

We are inviting along all girlfriends/boyfriends of our friends and family that we KNOW. We are not going to invite people that we have never met to our wedding, unless they are really long term/married/engaged.

And we are trying to stretch our budget as much as possible, cutting out cake costs, hiring cars, bridesmaids are providing their own dresses. I think it is very easy to say that we are being stingy but we are doing all we can afford and it is very difficult. It is so condescending to tell us just to spend another couple of thousand dollars (when you take into account chair cover hire, tablecloth hire, centrepiece hire, food, alcohol etc). We are paying for all but $2000 of our wedding and we just don''t have the extra money.

And I don''t like the fact that he blames it all on the bride. As far as I knew, budget discussions didn''t exclude the groom?

 

[elrohwen]

In my opinion, the most important thing is to be flexible with your guests.

I didn't want +1s unless they were in a serious relationship - I was fine with boyfriends and girlfriends, but not with grabbing a random friend off the street. Though honestly, I doubt our friends would've done that anyway - most were from out of town, and who is going to pay for an expensive plane ticket for just a friend? If that person is important enough to fly in with you, they can come to my wedding. Most of our friends knew a good portion of the people invited (at least 5-10) so I knew the singles would feel more comfortable.

A co-worker asked if she could bring one of our other co-workers as a friend. I knew that she would only know a couple of people at the wedding, so I was happy to give her the +1. It was nice that she chose to bring someone I also knew, but I would've been flexible either way.

I guess I just think it should be on a case by case basis. And I think not offering +1s to your bridal party, even if they're not dating anyone, is ridiculous. If anyone should get some extra consideration, it should be them.

eta: Even though the +1s were serious bfs and gfs, I didn't know many of them since my friends live far away. So I still ended up with people at my wedding that I didn't know, but who cares? They were in a relationship with my friends and that's all that matters. I wanted my guests to be happy and have fun and bringing their girlfriend or boyfriend is important to most people.

 

[cara]

In the opening scene, the writer didn't need a '+1' - he wanted his girlfriend invited! Surely if they had been together a year, someone could have figured out her name and invited her by name if the hosts wanted to invite such people. I agree with the writer, that his girlfriend was not invited strikes me as a bit stingy but I don't know what space/money pressures they were under. If the hosts purposely excluded halves of long-term couples just because they could, well, that's not very good hosting behavior.

However, there is still no need to give every guest a '+1' so they can invite some random date/flavor of the month person to a wedding. Heck, with a '+1' invite, you can bring whomever you want, your BFF, your mom, your buddy Dave who likes to get drunk and make a scene and has been known to do so at weddings . I don't think it is necessary for the hosts to give up this much control over the guest list at a wedding.

If you want to be generous with the invites, there is nothing keeping you from inviting both halves of all the known couples, and even calling up the singles and asking if they are seeing someone recently that they would want invited. (Surprisingly, not all people would want their new girlfriends/boyfriends invited - weddings are generally planned far enough in advance with enough hoopla that it can be a bit awkward if you haven't yet decided you'd like to still be dating this person in 4 months and you start planning to go on an extended weekend trip for a destination wedding with them, for example. Especially if it involves seeing a bunch of your close friends at something formal like a wedding.) Anyway, this strikes me as a reasonable balance.

ETA: The circumstance where I personally would want to be most generous with the +1 invites is for a single guest traveling far whom doesn't know other people at the wedding. That can be lonely and hard. However, a single guest that is going to be able to hang out with a bunch of their college buds? Less problematic.

 

[katamari]

Date: 6/25/2010 10:33:02 AM
Author: bobbin

And I don''t like the fact that he blames it all on the bride. As far as I knew, budget discussions didn''t exclude the groom?

From my reading, he is entirely blaming the wedding-industrial-complex and only making a case to the bride (stemming from admittedly sexist and heterosexist assumptions) to foot the bill anyways.

I will, though, say that it is silly what some people will prioritize above +1s. I know this is biased by my personal preferences, as is the priorities of others making the decisions. I also think there is a tendency to see a wedding solely from the couple''s experience and about the couple--especially the bride. I assume I would max out if I searched here for the phrase "It''s my day."

 

[trillionaire]

If you are more concerned about being bored at our wedding than enjoying the event, then you can stay you @$$ at home, as well as whatever other ungrateful person you were planning to bring.

I think that the +1 is a lovely gesture to make to your guests, but the gall of people demanding it is the height of rudeness. If you don''t know how to enjoy yourself without a +1, you have bigger problems than I can help you with.

We are having a reception, and inviting a +1 for any serious, standing relationship that we know of. I still think it is tacky beyond belief that guests feel that they are entitled to a plus one.

I love my friends and family and want them to enjoy themselves. If the budget dictated fewer people, then the plus ones would go, but not for lack of love and consideration. Our reception is very simple, and the only things in the budget are really food/drinks and music. There is nothing else to cut, except people.

 

[mayachel]

Interesting article and timely for us, as our wedding invitations just arrived and we are in the process of making the final lists. It does seem like the author was put in some extreme situations, dating the same person for over a year and not invited to his brother''s wedding? I''d take offense at that to. But I can''t imagine that is anywhere near the norm.

 

[sillyberry]

Trillion, I don't think it is a matter of being "bored," per se, but rather whether you want to travel somewhere without any company. For an in-town wedding, no big deal about the plus 1 - totally just a night. However, if I was heading to a wedding not in town, where I was having to fly and stay in a hotel, AND didn't know anyone but the bride/groom? Yes, I would prefer some company. There are many more hours in a wedding weekend than just the 5 or 6 spent at the wedding and it would kinda suck to spend them alone (since the bride won't be entertaining you!).

Anyway, lets see...in the past few years I've been attended a few weddings. One was far away where I didn't know anyone else (except for a few girls I had met at the Bachelorette weekend) so I was invited with a guest (I took a friend). Another I didn't get a guest, but I traveled there with one of my close friends who was also invited. The past three invitation have included both me and my boyfriend (by name). The most recent wedding was attended by me and 8 of my classmates (we all went to grad school with the groom) and I was the only one with an invited guest, even though a few others were dating people. My boyfriend and I have been together the longest and have spent time with both the bride and groom as a couple, so I think they felt it was appropriate, whereas the other dates would have been a bit more random. I didn't get the sense that the two without dates were upset (but perhaps they just didn't share it), and the whole group went away to a resort for the weekend and we all had a blast!

But, I still haven't actually planned a wedding, so perhaps my views will change when I'm faced with a budget!

 

[kittybean]

Inviting all of my guests as couples or with the opportunity to bring a +1 was really important to me. It was what I felt was most polite, and my parents, as the hosts, insisted on it so that our guests would be as comfortable as possible. And honestly? No one really abused the privilege. People brought their long-term boyfriends or girlfriends for the most part, and some people brought a sibling or parent. One of my bridesmaids brought another friend from our sorority that I didn''t have room to officially invite, and I was thrilled to have her. Of the young single people, most actually came alone, since there were a number of other young singles they knew there. Everything went really well, and the +1''s blended seamlessly into our celebration.

I know the +1 issue is controversial, and I see where people feel the need to keep the guest list smaller by not allowing invitees to bring guests, but IMHO, I really believe it adds to the celebration and merriment when they are given the option to do so.

 

[purselover]

Date: 6/25/2010 7:39:11 PM
Author: kittybean
Inviting all of my guests as couples or with the opportunity to bring a +1 was really important to me. It was what I felt was most polite, and my parents, as the hosts, insisted on it so that our guests would be as comfortable as possible. And honestly? No one really abused the privilege. People brought their long-term boyfriends or girlfriends for the most part, and some people brought a sibling or parent. One of my bridesmaids brought another friend from our sorority that I didn''t have room to officially invite, and I was thrilled to have her. Of the young single people, most actually came alone, since there were a number of other young singles they knew there. Everything went really well, and the +1''s blended seamlessly into our celebration.


I know the +1 issue is controversial, and I see where people feel the need to keep the guest list smaller by not allowing invitees to bring guests, but IMHO, I really believe it adds to the celebration and merriment when they are given the option to do so.

I agree - we offered everyone a plus one as well

 

[ladypirate]

Date: 6/27/2010 8:26:03 PM
Author: purselover

Date: 6/25/2010 7:39:11 PM

Author: kittybean

Inviting all of my guests as couples or with the opportunity to bring a +1 was really important to me. It was what I felt was most polite, and my parents, as the hosts, insisted on it so that our guests would be as comfortable as possible. And honestly? No one really abused the privilege. People brought their long-term boyfriends or girlfriends for the most part, and some people brought a sibling or parent. One of my bridesmaids brought another friend from our sorority that I didn''t have room to officially invite, and I was thrilled to have her. Of the young single people, most actually came alone, since there were a number of other young singles they knew there. Everything went really well, and the +1''s blended seamlessly into our celebration.



I know the +1 issue is controversial, and I see where people feel the need to keep the guest list smaller by not allowing invitees to bring guests, but IMHO, I really believe it adds to the celebration and merriment when they are given the option to do so.

I agree - we offered everyone a plus one as well

Ditto this--people have been very nice about not just bringing random people.