Insecure Matron of Honor

[PrincessNatalie]

Hello everyone!

This is my first topic in BWW unfortunately its an unhappy one.

My best friend got married in September last year.

I just got engaged on New Years.

Her wedding was very budget consious, she had a friend do her hair, did her own make up, got the dress from ebay, had a friend do the photography, had the wedding in a park, burrowed someones car for the wedding car, and had the reception at her husbands parents house, which actually has an amazing city/bay view and is at Bretts Wharf if there are any Brisbane-ites around.

We all had a wonderful time at her wedding, but her and the groom ended up taking photos for most of the cocktail reception, because the ceremony was at sunset.

But I on the other hand want a small but more traditional (non-religious ceremony though) wedding at one of the higher quality venues in the city.

I really expected her to be excited to help me plan my wedding (as I was for hers, I enjoyed every moment of it) but instead she keeps on trying to get me to consider cheaper options (eg "hire a hall"), complaining about people she doesnt like who are on my guestlist and complaining about how much she hated her wedding and saying she is is worried/intimidated about my wedding because she has doubts about her own.

Honestly I thought she loved her wedding until now, but all I have been hearing since I got engaged is how much she wishes she got a real photographer, hated her hair, the dress was her biggest disappointment, wishes she lost more weight, had the ceremony earlier, didnt have to set up the reception area in the morning etc. The biggest reason this is upsetting me is that everything at her wedding was *her idea*. And now she keeps on trying to suggest I take the cheaper options - which is fine - but then getting offended when I say "no thats just not me" or "no I have considered that but this is the reason why we decided against it" - I have barely had a chance to research at home as Davids parents are staying with us and she is already getting upset because I am not considering her ideas. Her ideas are budget consious, where as I am more quality consious. I want something beautiful not something cheap (sorry to be harsh).

I did not get involved in the ideas details of her wedding at all, I helped with all the leg work, the dress shopping (before they decided on the ebay gown), alterations, I did the flowers! and went shopping for reception things, did all the leg work, but left the ideas upto her - it WAS HER wedding afterall.

She has also had a go at her husband for not coming to me for ring advice, and has been making me feel bad about the size and quality of my ring. Both our bf's spent about the same, its just David got much better deals (I dont know all the exact details but I have sent him lots of info over the last year).

Sorry I obviously just really need to vent. But if I have to hear about how much she hated her wedding one more time I think I am going to cry.

Has anyone got any advice for dealing with insecure married friends? I am new to wedding planning and was expecting support and hapiness not bitterness and trying to get me to down grade my wedding to match hers. Which I loved by the way! That kinda makes it more infuriating.

 

[lucyandroger]

How about you let her know how much you liked her wedding. She says "I wish I had lost more weight"...So you say "You looked absolutely beautiful!" or she says "the dress was my biggest disappointment"...so you say "I thought it was lovely and quite flattering." Maybe she's just looking for reassurance that her wedding was also nice.


As for getting unsolicited advice, that's just part of wedding planning. Everyone will have some idea about what the "best" way to do something is and they're never shy about letting you know! I just smile and say I'll look into that.

 

[swingirl]

She obviously had a much tighter budget to work with and maybe some restrictions you aren't aware of. So why include her in your wedding planning? She is jealous of your higher-end options and disappointed in her own choices. I suggest you leave the wedding talk out of your conversations and don't expect her to be super excited about your wedding plans.

And to be honest my own wedding was the only wedding I was ever excited about.

 

[PrincessNatalie]

Thanks for your advice ladies! I guess I will just have to change the subject when wedding speak starts, and smile and nod at any unwanted suggestions.

Her and I have been very very close bestfriends since our early teens, and we are marrying 2 best friends, who grew up together themselves, I am closer to her than to my own sister and she has been waiting and excited for me to get engaged and saying things like "hurry up and get engaged" for as long as I have been thinking it, so I really expected a very different reaction once it happened.

They actually have about the same income as us, and are in a very similar financial position (comfortable double income, no kids, no plans for kids for some time, but a mortgage) she just set a much closer date (9 months) than we have (16 months) and so that gave them less $$ to work with without going into debt. So they focused most of the budget into the honeymoon, and their wedding turned out amazing with a lot of help from friends and family.

If its the case that this is how its going to be, I am very disappointed because I was looking forward to sharing my excitment and planning with my closest and longest standing friend, as I did with her.

Completely lame, but life goes on.

 

[marymm]

I just wanted to pipe in with my commiserations - I feel for you - and you are entirely correct - you should be able to share your wedding plans and excitement with your best friend and be able to count on her to be a happy and positive MOH.

It is so very sad that she is full of regrets about her own wedding; she is probably seeing your wedding as what she could have had, had she had the extra planning time (and the additional money earned over that extra time). The majority of people envision their wedding as a once-in-a-lifetime event - both DH and I count our wedding day as the single best day of our lives - I think it would be heartbreaking to only carry the negative memories of that day and none of the happy ones.

It sounds like you are a very good friend and that you love your MOH - if you haven't seen this side of her through the many years of your friendship, I think we have to assume your MOH cannot get past her own regrets to be there for you now. Weddings are strange things, and can bring out unexpected things in people. And even though this is your time of joy, you are entirely correct in your last post - you will have to rise above and ignore the negativity. You can learn from her sad experience to hold firm on the wedding details that matter to you, and count yourself lucky you are able to have the wedding day you envision. You have my best wishes for a happy wedding and a wonderful married life.

 

[VRBeauty]

Thanks for your advice ladies! I guess I will just have to change the subject when wedding speak starts, and smile and nod at any unwanted suggestions.

If its the case that this is how its going to be, I am very disappointed because I was looking forward to sharing my excitment and planning with my closest and longest standing friend, as I did with her.

Completely lame, but life goes on.

PN - you are very fortunate to have such a close friend, and one who has been part of your life for so long! I think you're on the right path -- next time her regrets show up, just give her a hug (mental if necessary) tell her you loved her wedding, and move on.

 

[StonieGrl]

That is a hard situation. From my view, she is still fixated on her wedding to the point of not being able to allow you to fully have yours or to function as your MOH.

It is possible that if you do put any more energy into trying to make her feel good about her wedding (she is responsible for her own feelings anyway) you reinforce this narcissism on her part.

See what would happen if:

She says: "I wish I could have had a florist do the flowers for my wedding. I'm not sure I'm happy with the daisies and greenery my family arranged."

You: "Do you like the color scheme of this arrangement or is to too formal looking?"

etc.

Keeping it on point.

Because most likely she says: "I don't think my self-styled hair was looked so good after all."

What she hears you say: "Blah blah yak yak yak blah blah. "

Then its her turn again.

Bottomless pit here. Question for you is how sane are you in trying to fill the pit.

 

[kittybean]

I think you just have to accept that sometimes people will fail to meet your hopes and expectations, especially when there is a wedding involved. Clearly, she didn't like the way her own wedding went, and that is preventing her from being truly helpful to you. If I were in your position, I'd quietly stop including her in the planning. If you really need help, find someone who can be objective and enthusiastic about your vision for your wedding--if you can't find this person among your friends or family members, hire a wedding planner. In the meantime, assure your friend that her wedding was lovely, and ignore any suggestions you don't like (they aren't mandates, after all).

 

[lisalikessparkles]

I am very very close with my best friend also.. and she struggles with me moving forward while she is still single. I feel a great deal of resentment from her when talking about buying a house, pending engagement, all of the things she wants to have at this point herself... and it does make life hard. I had to deal with it and it sounds like this is where your friend is at.. she's wanting now, what you are having.. and looking back retrospectively at her own wedding with regret.

Communication here I think is the most important thing, and what I say below is an adaptation of what I did with my friend just in a different situation.

Something so important to remember here is yes she is your maid of honour, but she's your best friend. Take the wedding out of the picture and grab a bottle of wine and talk about it. Tell her you think she's sad about your wedding and ask why. Get it all out on the table. Tell her how much you loved her wedding, how everyone loved her wedding and really push the point that there is no standard she has to live by. People arent comparing the two of you. What matters is that she married the man of her dreams and they are planning a life together. Bring up the fact they only had 9 months to save and that they did a brilliant job given the timing and the means. Reassure her that your plans are not a reflection of her and then ask her (in a hug maybe?) if she would please try to put these feelings aside to help you out because you need her right now and you want to share this exciting time with her.

Tell her how uncomfortable it makes you feel when she is down in the dumps and how it makes you feel guilty for planning your wedding. Perhaps explain that you feel you have to withhold details from her because of her reactions and that this isnt what you want to do because you want to share everything with her. Ask her to please be happy for you and get involved. It's her day too! Maybe focus abit on her, she can have her hair looking amazing, she can wear a gorgeous dress, make a fabulous speech at your wedding. She can live her own little moment here too, and you can have a fabulous day and both feel amazing and special.

Jealousy is a terrible emotion, but she's your closest friend and she's obviously hurting and feeling bad, and you need to be her closest friend too and remind her of all the effort you put into her wedding and how much fun it was and let her know that you want to have just as good a time at yours. I think kind hearted loving honesty is the best thing here.

 

[lisalikessparkles]

I just realised your post was in January! You're probably married by now ahaha.

How did it all turn out?