in-law dilemma

[monarch64]

So I have this situation, and I need other opinions because I think I might just be crazy! My husband of 2.5 fabulous years has rented a house on a lake in Wisconsin for the week of 4th of July this summer. The house can sleep up to 17 people and sits on a 5 acre lot, comes with a pontoon boat, a canoe, etc. We will arrive on Saturday and stay through the following Friday. That first weekend will be 4th of July weekend (4th being on Tuesday) so we are inviting some friends to come up for the weekend and bring their dogs and just have fun. OK, this is all great, fine with me. We''''ll have a fun weekend and then when everyone leaves we''''ll have the place to ourselves for 3 more days.

Well, what started out as the perfect scenario has now turned into something totally different. About two days after DH went ahead and made reservations, he decided to tell me he would be asking his parents along with the rest of his family (two sisters, one BIL, and 2 nieces ages 14 and 16) to join us for those last three days. His reasoning is that his parents are getting up there in age, and they would enjoy a few days outdoors with us. He feels obligated to extend the invitation to the rest of the family. All of this is understandable. I''''m happy my husband wants to spend time with his family, and most of the time I enjoy being around them too. BUT.

DH is in sales, he works from home most of the time and frequently takes Fridays off...he takes about 2-3 personal trips per year with his friends and pretty much doesn''''t suffer from burn-out from his job. On the other hand, I work 50 weeks out of the year, can''''t take unpaid time off, and my vacation time is very, very valuable to me. I feel as though I won''''t be relaxed with his family there, and that I will be expected to play "hostess." This is a house that has been converted from a main lodge of a resort, but now that there is no resort there is also no maid service!!! I''''m also sad that my husband and I probably won''''t have one day alone together. It just seems as if it is going to be a madhouse instead of a nice peaceful, relaxing vacation. Boo. Am I just being a spoiled brat about this? His parents have already agreed to come and seem excited, I don''''t think the rest of the family will come but you never know. Should I just suck it up and not let on that I am thinking this trip is going to be more stress than it''''s worth? AARRRGGHH!

 

[littlelysser]

That stinks. I don''t think you are being a brat at all.

Just as a suggestion, could you go home a day early or two? It would stink to leave your "vacation" a bit early, but at least that way you''d have a day or two to be alone and kind of recharge your batteries and just chill out away from the in laws? I don''t know what else you could do...

 

[roxy7]

I would let him know that this is going to be inconvenient for you and that you are doing him a favor by not giving him a hard time about it, and that you would like it if he appreciates the sacrfice.

Then I would proceed not to give him a hard time about it because (1) you may want him to return the favor with your family one day, and (2) this is family, and you want him to always have good memories of times with his family and don’t want to deprive him of that.

 

[eks6426]

I think I''d be using this to barter for a really great long weekend trip for just the 2 of you. Pick a weekend where you already get an extra day off like Memorial Day or Labor Day then add a day or 2 on the side.

 

[Lorelei]

Monarch, I would be upset too, time alone together is so precious and I understand completely. What about a compromise? Explain to him ( catch him at the right moment

) that you have been working so hard and need to have some time to rest and just be with him alone, but you understand that he would love to invite his family too so what about inviting them along with your friends for the latter part of the vacation for the 4th ,but you have the first few days together? This way you will be in good shape to play hostess but need some alone time with him and to relax first?
It isn't due for some time so I am sure your in-laws wouldn't mind if the plans change slightly, your needs are important too.

 

[hlmr]

Date: 1/25/2006 3:43:29 PM
Author: IslandDreams
I think I''d be using this to barter for a really great long weekend trip for just the 2 of you. Pick a weekend where you already get an extra day off like Memorial Day or Labor Day then add a day or 2 on the side.

I think this is a great solution. Also make sure to accept all offers of help from his family while you are there. It shouldn''t be necessary for you to be hostess 24/7. Most importantly, try to relax and enjoy yourself as much as possible!

Heather

 

[monarch64]

Great ideas, everyone. I feel much better after seeking advice! I will definitely barter for a relaxing weekend away...I think there is a need to keep his parents'' visit separate from the friends, though. They are getting up there in age, and I think we would all feel limited as to our activities if they were there at the same time.

 

[cnspotts]

I''m hoping this suggestion will help a bit. We do something similar during Beach week every year with family, here''s the deal...if you come, you cook one full dinner meal during your stay. We break the week down by couples/family each night that way they each have some responsiblities and it''s not just left to the "house hosts." This includes any pre-dinner snacks, drinks and total clean up as well. It works out nicely and everyone gets stuck having to help and can''t wiggle out of it otherwise no one eats. We''ve done it with couples/family units coming early in the week then leaving, others arriving and we say the same thing every time. It''s just accepted that it''s the way we ALL do it in order to participate that week.

Sunday night........US (fish tacos, margaritas, shrimp kabobs)
Monday night ..........brother joe & wife ( chinese chicken salad, mimosas)
Tuesday night ...........sister martha & husband (brats and fixings, homebrew beer)
Wed...........and so on
Thurs night...........mom & dad
Friday........pizza night, etc. Whatever works for you

 

[msdarlinjoy]

Vacation ... What''s that?

Haven''t gone on one in two years. Money has been a little tight and all.

Actually, it sounds like fun. Even though his parents are coming, most folks aren''t going to be tied to your hip 24/7. Most older parents often than not ... go to bed early, and rise early. If this is the case with DH''s parents ... maybe you could have some "two of you" time next to the fire, snuggling ... snacking on cheese and wine ... gazing at the stars ... or perhaps if you both are frisky & bold ... there''s always skinny dippin''!

(couldn''t resist!)

Does his mom generally like to cook? I know in my family, when we have done these kind of things, it''s usually the older women who like to get up at the crack of dawn

, brew the coffee, do some baking, and do breakfast

. Everyone else usually fends for themselves for lunch with sandwich fixin''s, and then the younger gals usually do the dinners. If any kids or teenagers are there ... hey, guess what?! Youv''e got yourself''s dishwashers and garbage patrol!

Cnspotts ... Great idea! I have a friend at work who does this with their friends every summer at Mount Shasta and they rent a houseboat. Each couple picks a night to cook dinner ... the whole sha-bang for that particular evening. They also all chip in a set amount and go shopping together and buy all the food and other toiletries, and necessary items.

Sometimes, I think the planning and preparation time is more stressful than the "actual" vacation. Just remember, whom ever you invite, make sure they all know, understand, and agree to the rules. (You''ll have to decide what those are going to be.) That way you are not "expected" to play Martha Stewart

for the entire time you are there.

Also, So that you can squeeze in time for eachother, make an itinerary.

On Monday from 8-10 am breakfast served. Lunch - Fend for yourself. Dinner served from 6:30 - 8:00 pm.

Also: list things to do to keep themselves occupied: Pontoon boat, canoe available. Bring your own raft or floaties, etc.

If you have a family event planned, nail down a day & time ... Family tug-o-war Tuesday, 2:00 pm, Family white elephant bingo, Wednesday, 2:00 pm, etc. Each family or party member can be responsible to plan an activity each day, let say at 2:00 pm for continuity, and then you can plan ahead as to when the two of you might slip away each day for a little of the "two of you" time. Just think like your on a cruise ... the first thing you will get after the life boat drill is your itinerary. They have certain things planned at certain times, and then they can staff their employee''s for their own R&R.

I used to be an events planer/coordinator ... there are ways to make this work for you, hubby & guests! Planning is going to be you #1 priority. Do the planning now, get organized, get creative, and then you will be able to enjoy this trip come July!

If you have any questions ... Just give a lil'' holler!

P.S. Definately plan a 3 or 4 day weekend trip just for the "two of you" too! Maybe, DH can plan something to pamper you with, for being so understanding and loving re: this trip that he would like to happen ... his way! I am thinking ... "all inclusive spa treatment for you ... massage ... chocolates and wine/champagne after dinner, a play ... boy I could run wild with this, I am sure you could too!

Good luck, and let us know how things are going for you.
Take care ...

 

[devientdrow]

Your not being a brat at all!! Maybe i''m a b**tch but I would of been peeved that my hubby was making all types of invites without asking me first! The extended family, especially the nieces are a stretch. If it was just his folks than it would be more like a double date with activities and maybe like in the evening they could of done thier own thing and you and your husband be on your own. That seems pretty much impossible with all that other family around! I am like you, I would feel obligated to play hostess as well and as you already know your going to leave that sitation not feeling like you had a relaxing vacation. You can divide up and plan the time into neat little actitivies and it might work, but from my expieriences with that many people involved I doubt that even if you have any schedualed alone time that A. You''ll get it (ie...someone else wants you and your hubby to do something with them) or B. That you''ll be very alone (I know this place is huge but thats a good amount of folks, and i''m guessing unless you announce to people ''This is our alone time, leave us alone.'' people are going to come find you and talk to you)
I find myself wondering what the pretenses of this trip was. There are 2 different types of vacations. Ones you take with friends or family in a group....and romantic relaxing ones with your loved one. Sounds to me like this one was supposed to be a little bit of both but now thats been taken away. I would be VERY upset if I were you.
This is what I''m a little confused on....you''ll be there for 7 days right? Friends are coming up the saturday you get there for the 4th right? You said they are staying for the weekend? So does that mean they are leaving sunday evening or monday morning? Cause then you said your in laws would be coming for the last three days (wednesday,thursday, and friday) So wouldn''t that give you monday and tuesday with your hubby?? Or was it more relaxed like your friends come up and stay as long as they can and then leave? Maybe you could change it with your friends and ask if they could leave monday morning? I''m sure they would understand and a lot of people have to go back to work anyway. That would give you monday and tuesday to relax with your hubby.
Whatever the turn out I hope you have a great time! I myself barely get any vacation time at my job and I know how important it is to spend it wisely!

 

[monarch64]

OK, first let me explain a couple of things a little more in-depth just so I''m getting his side of the story involved (I hate to write a novel so I left a few details out the first post).

Our original vacation plan was to go to Mexico for a week in April. Then one day DH comes home with this out-of-the-blue idea that wouldn''t it be fun if we went somewhere within driving distance in WI for a week and stayed in a cabin? He showed me some websites of places he had found and we were looking for pet-friendly sites. At first we were looking to just take the dog and ourselves and no one else. In trying to find a pet-friendly place, however, we couldn''t find anything available during the summer that didn''t sleep fewer than 8-10 people. That''s where the idea was brought up to maybe go for 4th of July and that way some friends (probably 2 other couples and their doggies) could join us for Sat. the 1st through Tues. 4th if they wanted) could come and hang out for a few days and we''d have the rest of the time to ourselves. We ended up finding a wonderful location about 6 hours from where we live that sleeps up to 17 (more like 14) on a point on the lake situated on a 5-acre lot, etc. So then the "idea" of his parents possibly joining us came up, and then we thought about how they would mix with our younger friends...it was all just a discussion, and no decisions were made at that point.

Next thing I know, DH went ahead and made reservations for the place. I was very excited about it at first. That was last Friday. We talked about my parents joining us and he kind of talked me out of that. I thought they should at least be invited although I knew they probably wouldn''t come, but he said he''d rather we did something with my family on a separate occasion. OK, fine. Still no final decision has been made as to who we were inviting and when we were telling people. During the same conversation, I told him I would leave it up to him to handle things with one couple we wanted to invite (we were headed to their home for dinner) so he could let them know that we were only inviting them for the weekend, not the entire week. While we were at their house after dinner having a cocktail, I went to the kitchen and when I came back, DH was telling them all about the trip...not specifying at all that the invite was for the weekend, not the week. That kind of ticked me off, because the male half of the couple starts talking about how the female half has that whole week off and that he could take some vacation time as well. Jeez. I didn''t say anything further, I thought I would let DH handle it, and I''m sure he can still work things out in that department. (let''s hope.)

The next day, DH goes out to run errands and swing by his parents'' house to help his dad with something. He comes back home and tells me, "well, I showed my parents the info for the trip and they are so excited! They''re coming Wed. through Friday!" I''m like, thanks for telling me first that you made a definite decision without me, but I don''t say anything because I can tell he''s very happy about it.

I get to work Monday and received an email from my mom (I had mentioned the place to her before DH and I discussed whether we were even renting it for sure. She''s also from WI so I thought she might have input on the location because we have never been to that area before.) She didn''t have any input but said it looked beautiful, etc. Well, silly me, I went ahead and extended the invitation to her and my father as well. I probably shouldn''t have done that, because DH and I had discussed and decided that we should do something with them some other time, but I wanted to be courteous. I also was 99% sure that they wouldn''t be able to come anyway. My father''s been ill for the last 2.5 years with cancer (he''s currently in remission

) and doesn''t do well in long car rides, won''t fly, and hates being away from mowing his lawn in the summer even though he''s not supposed to be doing that anymore. It''s also 6 months away and my mother replied back that they couldn''t plan that far in advance anyway, due to his health being unstable, but they''d definitely like to come (read: thanks but no thanks.) Shortly thereafter, I emailed DH who had asked how my day was going and told him all of the above. He got really upset with me about it! I couldn''t believe it. He says I shouldn''t even have asked and that I forget things that we discuss. It really got to me. I feel like this has become HIS vacation/family reunion. To make matters worse, we ended up arguing about it for the rest of the day via email and later when I got home from work. Nothing has been resolved, and he pretty much thinks I''m in the wrong and that''s it.

I feel that the whole thing got blown out of proportion. I hate divulging such personal info. but I had to vent somehow. It''s not like I can go to close friends about this one, since they may be invited on the trip! Jeez. What a mess. His parents live 10 minutes away from us, and all of his other family are within a 45 minute drive. We see them very frequently. (FYI). I feel like telling him to just go by himself now and have a nice time.

Thanks for taking the time to read this...sorry it turned into a book!

 

[devientdrow]

Monarch before I say what i''m gonna say i''ll state this first:
I''m sure your hubby is great! You''ve said that you guys have had a great 2.5 years together and he has to of been a good man to of kept you happy! In saying that everyone has to have thier faults or do something wrong sometimes.....

In saying that:

Your a saint! I''d of killed my husband! Or at least threatened too! You are validated if you go up to your hubby right now and ask him if he''s lost his mind! It''s completly INCONSIDERATE of him to just go about thinking he can invite people and not tell people how long they can stay but then hypocritically get mad at you when you invite your folks. This is YOUR vacation too. Why does he feel like his whole extended family can come but yet your folks, who are dealing with something like terminal cancer and i''m sure health permitting would love to have some relaxing time away, are not allowed?? That''s nuts!! It really seems like he is not taking you into account at all. If I were you i''d talk to him and let him know that he''s being hypocritical and thoughtless really. IF your folks did want to come up.....I''d say stick to your guns and let them. Also if you want any sort of structure I wouldn''t leave it up to your hubby. If you have a certain timeframe you''d like them to leave i''d say take it upon yourself to talk to them about it. You''ll want to let them know before they request time off from work! Sounds like your hubby will just let it go and if you asked him why he didn''t do anything about it I could see it being one of those situations like "Well they already asked off."

Please don''t think i''m trashing your hubby hon! This sounds like something mine would pull hahaha But don''t let it take over what you''d like to see happen in your vacation too~!

 

[monarch64]

And here I thought I was crazy. I know you''re not trashing my hubby, deviant. i appreciate your honesty! Thank you!

We seem to have a bit of an issue with control in the relationship, meaning, he has it and I don''t. He told me last night that since I''m not paying for the vacation he will have the final say-so in who comes along. (apparently it''s a my money, his money thing to him.) While that is rude enough in itself, he flat-out told me he doesn''t like my mother and didn''t want to spend his vacation with her. I realize this paints him in a pretty bad light, so i will stop at that. I''m no angel, this was a little much. We are attending our second session of marital therapy this evening. Hopefully we can work some of this out there.

I really appreciate everyone''s responses. I didn''t originally post this so I could get into my personal business, but it looks like that''s what happened. I hate to be perceived as a "drama queen," which I''m not, but sometimes life is just messy.

hopefully we can come to a compromise about the whole thing...I liked the idea of assigning cooking nights, etc. cnspotts and Mrs. Darlin that is a fabulous plan. Everyone can do their own laundry and dishes as well. I''m not playing hostess or maid for the week--dammit!

 

[Hest88]

I think this may be a good oppty to discuss how you make decisions as a couple. My DH and I make no decisions that will affect the other person without consulting each other first. We just think of it as common courtesy. Granted, we also have no "your money" vs "my money" issues either, and consider everything we bring in as "our money," so we''re used to approaching many aspects of our lives like a couple. Perhaps you can talk to your DH about how it feels to have no input in certain things that concern you?

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 1/26/2006 5:24:30 PM
Author: monarch64
And here I thought I was crazy. I know you''re not trashing my hubby, deviant. i appreciate your honesty! Thank you!

We seem to have a bit of an issue with control in the relationship, meaning, he has it and I don''t. He told me last night that since I''m not paying for the vacation he will have the final say-so in who comes along. (apparently it''s a my money, his money thing to him.) While that is rude enough in itself, he flat-out told me he doesn''t like my mother and didn''t want to spend his vacation with her. I realize this paints him in a pretty bad light, so i will stop at that. I''m no angel, this was a little much. We are attending our second session of marital therapy this evening. Hopefully we can work some of this out there.

I really appreciate everyone''s responses. I didn''t originally post this so I could get into my personal business, but it looks like that''s what happened. I hate to be perceived as a ''drama queen,'' which I''m not, but sometimes life is just messy.

hopefully we can come to a compromise about the whole thing...I liked the idea of assigning cooking nights, etc. cnspotts and Mrs. Darlin that is a fabulous plan. Everyone can do their own laundry and dishes as well. I''m not playing hostess or maid for the week--dammit!

well, since he''s paying for it all and has the final say-so and can extend invites w/o checking with you but you can''t.......think i''d just stay home and let him deal with all the issues [food planning, etc.] and with all the invited guests. staying home might be easier and give you more of a vacation than this one sounds like its going to be. my experience says if there is disagreement before the vacation, it will continue into and beyond the vacation. yes, it might give the appearance that there is a problem....and there is a problem: definite power struggle going on. but the strain of keeping up appearances, doing all the planning, making sure everyone is ''having fun'' just doesn''t sound like fun and relaxation to me. but then, i''m very very protective of my time and space, especially when i need some r+r.

he may be a wonderful hubby but his getaways give him time to unwind so he probably doesn''t understand what the change in this trip means for you. i''d see things differently if you had the same opportunity to get away during the year. but you''ve stated you only get the two weeks and i''d be really pissed that i''d allowed myself to be talked out of that week in mexico for this ''vacation''.

movie zombie

 

[msdarlinjoy]

Thanks for elaborating Monarch.

Well, your second post is more clear. I always try to see both perspectives in a situation and try and be fair when I give my heartfelt advice.

I am glad to hear that the two of you are in couples therapy.

My concern is the "It's my money & I'll do as I damn well please" attitude. I know we are in modern times and all, but come on ... this not only sounds controlling ... it sounds selfish, inconsiderate and unempathetic.

It's not like you guys are roomates, your husband & wife. I don't know about you'all, but I would be hurt as hell

if my husband spoke to and argued with me like that. What happened to him thinking about your needs? What happened to him being concerned about how your doing & feeling as a human being, let alone his wife? This is more than about money ... this is about how are you going to respect, treat and love your wife/husband!

My first instinct is to tell him "Since you have the attitude of a dung beattle and this is your vacation ... have at it! I hope you and your friends & family have a great time! Smile, laugh & walk away knowing that you don't need this dookie! You have the week off ... I say plan something for yourself, and your family. Husband will be away ... your home can now become a new vacation spot, invite everyone over that you would like to do things with, be with, etc.

I am just ticked at his attitude!

Even though I have planned alot of events and it comes probably easier for me than most ... It still would entail alot of time, energy & work on your part to make this vacation happen for him. I say ... if he wants this vacation with his buddies and family, let "Him" soak his own time into planning and actually making this event happen. He had better be a great cook, cause If I did go, I would be tempted to spit in his food!

He wants to play that way, so can I.

I'm sorry ... kinda makes me think your just a third wheel ... just tagging along for his sake!

As far as he has control and the ultimate say in who is going & who is not ... your wrong there! You have total control on one thing! He can not make you go!

I hope things get better, this is sad & it sucks! Keep in touch, we are here if you need an ear, shoulder or hug!

Take care,

 

[devientdrow]

If you like the idea of all that planning then give it a whirl! It can''t hurt! Obviously you love your husband and want to be with him.....and if I were you I wouldn''t give up my vacation. Try and talk to him and let him know how this has made you feel and how you feel any quality time you two would have would be taken away, ect ect. Baisically all the stuff you said on here! Then go with your hubby and have a great time, no matter what just try to have as much fun as you can! Good Luck!

 

[monarch64]

Well, I have decided to stop being a total nancy and take control of things. I have made the mistake of sitting back and letting him plan things his way and not been assertive enough. I am also coming to realize that my husband looks at the roles in our household as this: whoever makes the most money and contributes the most has the power. It was always that way in both our parents'' marriages, and now it seems we are another case of the same. It sucks, but it''s not as if there''s nothing I can do about it. Last year I quit a higher-paying job that kept me from being home on weekends and in the evenings that was a 30 minute drive from our house, because we both felt we didn''t spend enough time together. I got lucky enough to find a new job 5 minutes from our house that is M-F, 8-4:30, no responsibility, great benefits. But for the hours of quality time spent with him, it seems I have lost my "bargaining power." How sad. Unfortunately, we both come from families where the husband had the power, by virtue of being the major breadwinner. Apparently that attitude has been passed on to my husband, and there for a while I let him get away with it. No more. He loves to spend money on vacations, etc. and has never asked me to contribute to a "vacation fund" (not that one exists). I suppose we both are to blame for not discussing things like that before an issue like we are having now comes up. I don''t think it''s right that to have any kind of say-so in matters I have to contribute financially to them...I feel as though my opinion should count regardless, but the way people are raised I think has a lot to do with how they react to things in married life. Not that it''s an excuse. I''m just as guilty of settling into patterns I grew up seeing, so there you go. There really is no simple answer to this, we can''t just sit down and say, "ok, after all this time, let''s put your 6 figure income into a pot along with my 1/16th of that and call it ''OUR MONEY''"

Next week we will be discussing money in our therapy session. Not that we can''t discuss it at home; it''s just easier not to yell when you have a mediator!

Got a funny quote today via email: "My husband and I divorced for religious reasons--he thought he was God and I didn''t."

Hee hee.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 1/27/2006 11:29:36 AM
Author: monarch64
we can''t just sit down and say, ''ok, after all this time, let''s put your 6 figure income into a pot along with my 1/16th of that and call it ''OUR MONEY''''

Well ... there may be a transition period and some negotiation ...but ultimately, legally it is both of "YOUR money", right? What if he was to become disabled and rely on your salary for a while? Would he give up power so easily? Men who seek dominance can find a whole host of reasons they should be in control ... including, laughably "God said so." If you want to be equal partners (REGARDLESS OF HOW MUCH YOU MAKE) therapy can be very, very helpful. It may just take some time to seperate from your upbringings, sort out expectations, and develop a new plan.

One of my friends makes 5x what her husband does? Should she rule? Another friend hasn''t worked in 1 1/2 years due to the birth of her baby ... Should her husband call all the shots? Aiigh. Maybe you should print this thread for him.

 

[monarch64]

I definitely believe in equality in relationships, whether it has to do with money or other issues. And yes, the reason we have decided to get a third party involved (in the form of a marital therapist) is because we have issues stemming from certain patterns in our families. In my parents'' marriage, my mother and father agreed early on (35 yrs. ago) that he would work and she would be a stay-at-home mom...however, they let things get out of control and she has ended up very resentful of the fact that after us kids were grown he wouldn''t "let" her get a job, never put her name on their house, bank accounts, cars, ANYTHING. She didn''t have a bank account or checkbook until 3 years ago when they found out he had cancer. She pretty much drilled it into me that I had to make sure I was self-sufficient and never to depend on a man for money or anything else. I never realized how ingrained that belief had become in me until I''d been with DH for a year or so. His parents had a bit of a different set-up...his mother worked outside the home, he was the only one of three children who were in daycare, and his mother ran up huge amounts of credit debt that caused his father to not be able to retire when he had originally planned. So you have my mother telling me not to depend on a man, and you have his father telling him don''t let women spend your money. I am a firm believer in taking responsibility for one''s own actions in life and not blaming your parents for things that are your problem. However, sometimes you don''t even realize the patterns you''ve settled into until you have to deal with things with another person. We are both committed to our marriage and are now trying to sort through why we react to issues and to each other the way we do.

As far as who makes more money in a relationship being the decision maker, I remember several months (maybe a year ago) someone came out with an amount that a stay-at-home mother would make in $/year if paid for her profession. I believe it was around $75,000 although I don''t remember what area it came from.