I''m SO frustrated!!

[aphisiglovessae]

Here's the scoop:

When we first started wedding planning, I asked my fiance whether he would like to do an actual wedding and reception, or would he like to just go to the courthouse and have a big party. I said my personal preference was the courthouse because it wouldn't cost much and as long as the most important people were there (parents), then that's all that matters. He says "I want a wedding."

The first month or so, he's telling his mother (and me) how much he's looking forward to the planning and how much he wants to help.. Guess how much he's actually done...

NOTHING

SO I've been stuck with all the stress and having to take off work and driving all over town to make the wedding plans. I'm starting my first full time job on Friday and I won't be able to take off work to get things done anymore. I have 3 months left, we've been planning for a year, and I'm at my rope's end. There's still stuff I need to get done and I feel as if I'll NEVER finish them. What do I do?? I've tried lighting a fire under him many times and I get nothing... It's making the wedding planning NOT FUN ANYMORE and I just want to pack it all up, say screw it and leave him with explaining to everyone why the wedding is crap.

Sorry, I just want to vent.

ETA: You know what would be a good analogy to his actions? When a child begs a parent for a puppy saying he'll take good care of it and walk it, feed it, bathe it, etc. etc. etc. and when he gets it, the puppy starves, stinks and poops everywhere unless the parents take the responsibility. I feel like the parent and the wedding is the puppy.

 

[chickflick]

So what''s left to be done? Can you make a list, assign jobs to him and anyone else that you think wouldn''t mind helping (his mom, yours, etc.) then sit down and tell him that it''s time for him to step up and do his part? It sounds like the overwhelming part is that fact that it''s all on you so get him involved ASAP but also remember that other family members would probably love to help as well. Is a wedding coordinator a possibility to help, too?

I''m sorry this is so stressful but I ope you get help soon!

 

[aphisiglovessae]

Thanks for the suggestions, Chickflick...

I tried making lists for him throughout the whole process. Nothing got done and in the beginning they were things that needed to be done fairly early or they would be booked by someone else. So, I wittled it down to just the honeymoon and the guest accomodations... Took almost 9 months for him to do that!! I've been going to him saying "hey, this is something that needs to be decided/done by both of us, and I need your help," he says ok and it never gets done and everytime I go to him for it, I get no production. I can't afford a wedding coordinator and it would be a rip-off to get one three months before the wedding when over half the stuff is already done. We also don't have family members nearby that can help.

ARGH!!

 

[aphisiglovessae]

I''m seriously resenting him for all of it because of the fact the HE was the one who wanted this wedding! So why am I doing ALL the work?!

 

[E B]

I feel your pain, aphisi, and we''ve only just begun.

Is there anything we can help you with? I''m a pretty good researcher.

 

[aphisiglovessae]

Thanks for the offer Ebree..

I honestly don't know what you can help me with, unless you can make a trip to Pensacola. I have about 15 chopstick lanterns to make, vows to pick, my bouquet to make, programs to design and print, garters to make (and I don't even know how to use my sewing machine! My fiance is the sew master in the house), an engagement photo to pick for display, appointments to make for the wedding party... And that's only half the list. It seems to get longer and longer... Sigh....

I just want to cry right now...

 

[RockDoc]

Hi Aphis.....

I''ve been following the things you''ve accomplished, and been admiring all you''ve been doing.

I think that the stress of all the interviews, and almost turning yourself "inside out" has just been a bit much.

I can only imagine the pressure of starting the new job, is taking its toll on you as well.

So best to just relax, and take things a step at a time, you still have several months to go....

If I can be of any help, let me know

Rockdoc

 

[Caribou]

Oh Aphis,

When we first got engaged my FI said that he wanted nothing to do with the planning. So I started looking for a place to have it, suddenly he was giving me ''helpful suggestions'' on where I should go to look for places. Frustrating. Finally after a couple of other things that I would consider planning but as he said he was only trying to help, I sasid to him ''either you help 100% or you don''t help at all, your choice but these so called helpful suggestions are annoying and not at all helpful''. So since then he hasn''t said anything, all he''s gotta do is figure out who his bestman is, get tuxes, and yesterday I told him he could reserve the block of rooms for us. I''ve realized that he won''t pick his best man until the very last minute which means he won''t get his tuxes until then but I''m not going to stress.

My friends have been telling me that we will have on big fight about the planning stuff...maybe this is yours. I would definitly talk to him more...if he wanted the wedding, he needs to step up.

 

[MissAva]

Date: 4/5/2006 1:23:10 AM
Author: aphisiglovessae
Thanks for the offer Ebree..

I honestly don''t know what you can help me with, unless you can make a trip to Pensacola. I have about 15 chopstick lanterns to make, vows to pick, my bouquet to make, programs to design and print, garters to make (and I don''t even know how to use my sewing machine! My fiance is the sew master in the house), an engagement photo to pick for display, appointments to make for the wedding party... And that''s only half the list. It seems to get longer and longer... Sigh....

I just want to cry right now...

Okay I cannot sew a button on to pants, but if you need help with theing like the chopstick laterns and you are really concerned I am in Tuscaloosa which I have been told is not that far away, if you would like I could drive down on a weekend day and help you do the arts and crafts kind of things.
Please dont be sad, all the hard work you are doing right now is going to lead to a KICK AS$ wedding for you and your honey!

 

[aphisiglovessae]

OMG, you guys totally reminded me why I love Pricescope.. I wish I had friends nearby that I trusted enough to call for help. The only one I know of is my MOH and she's so busy with her full time job and volleyball coaching that I'd feel bad calling her. I think Rockdoc is right, I've probably reached my breaking point and need a rest. The only problem I start thinking about is if I take a rest, nothing will get done, and then I'll be scrambling even more to finish things before the big day. Maybe I'm overreacting??

Matatora, you are too sweet to offer to come help! Just the thought of being able to call on you for help really makes me feel better.

Last night was hell for me. I had nothing but wedding nightmares and I woke up every hour. Each time I fell back asleep, a new wedding nightmare... Stuff like: forgot to get the wedding license, the photographer forgetting to take certain pictures, guests getting too drunk and trashing the place, decorations falling apart... Sigh...

I'm going to try and NOT think about wedding stuff all day today...

I wonder if scheduling certain things for me to get done each day will help relieve some of the scrambling feelings.... There I go thinking about it again....

 

[teebee]

Date: 4/5/2006 10:39:58 AM
Author: aphisiglovessae
OMG, you guys totally reminded me why I love Pricescope.. I wish I had friends nearby that I trusted enough to call for help. The only one I know of is my MOH and she''s so busy with her full time job and volleyball coaching that I''d feel bad calling her. I think Rockdoc is right, I''ve probably reached my breaking point and need a rest. The only problem I start thinking about is if I take a rest, nothing will get done, and then I''ll be scrambling even more to finish things before the big day. Maybe I''m overreacting??

Matatora, you are too sweet to offer to come help! Just the thought of being able to call on you for help really makes me feel better.

Last night was hell for me. I had nothing but wedding nightmares and I woke up every hour. Each time I fell back asleep, a new wedding nightmare... Stuff like: forgot to get the wedding license, the photographer forgetting to take certain pictures, guests getting too drunk and trashing the place, decorations falling apart... Sigh...

I''m going to try and NOT think about wedding stuff all day today...

I wonder if scheduling certain things for me to get done each day will help relieve some of the scrambling feelings.... There I go thinking about it again....

Ah, the wedding nightmares... Yes, I''m there too... With 7.5 weeks to go I feel like I''m in the midst of a constant panic attack. I think I need one day alone and a valium!!

Trying to not think about wedding stuff all day will be tough - and then will you panic even more the next day because you didn''t do anything today?

Anyhow, your idea of breaking your list down incrementally is a really good idea IMO. You could first make an entire list of everything (which is overwhelming I know, because I''m doing it too). Then prioritize it according to what MUST be done asap, then things that can wait a couple of weeks, then there are those things that can''t really be done until right before the wedding. And, there are also things that you can just work on in any spare time (haha, I know...).

And, again, valium... No, really I''m kidding...

If nothing else, a lot of us can sympathize. FI has done virtually nothing... although it was not his idea to have a ''real'' wedding. And my mom/family live in a different city... And, we''re getting married out of state... I''m not starting a new job but I''m in school and will be in finals 3 weeks before the wedding - plus, I did have a big interview a couple of weeks ago for a dental hygiene program which is outrageously competitive (only 12 spots for 150 applicants...). So, I''m feeling your pain... and stress... etc.

 

[jacki0]

Aphi,

As a Mom, it breaks my heart to think you are this frustrated with your guy and you haven''t even walked down the aisle!! If he is not plugged in now, and not listening to your needs, what can you possibly expect of him in a real time of need? Perhaps this is a good opportunity to really judge his ability to step up to the plate and be a partner. I have been married 20 years, my husband and I went to a Justice of the Peace and had a lovely party afterwards. We often talk about how much stress we avoided (and the money we saved!) This should be a happy time for both of you (stress can never be completely avoided!), but
I really hope this is not a sign of things to come!

Best Wishes!!

 

[decodelighted]

Hey Aph....
I''m too far away to be much crafty help ... but I did wanna say that when I get stressed I comfort myself with all the things I HAVE DONE already. And you''ve done A LOT, and very cool-ly I might add. In facing the stuff ahead, it''s also super helpful to just take one thing at a time. I just utilized that technique to get through a super stressful "first-time-I''ve-ever-done-this" panic-inducing work assignment that also involved a lot of travel & unknowns. Just thinking about the one next thing I need to accomplish kept me focused and calm. (The new job stuff might be intensifying your stress too ... do talk to your fiance and tell him you really need his help too & remind him - it was HIS idea!!). YOU CAN DO IT!

 

[RockDoc]

Hi Aph

You have some sisters, don''t you. Can they help?

Take a day or two - Maybe go to Orlando and play a little this weekend at Univ, or Dizzyworld. Take some time that you spend with Fiance.

Relax and have some fun ...... Chill out, have a few martinis ( or whatever ) go dancing.

From what I''ve read, you''ve done so much already, there isn''t that much to do, given the time you have til the big day.

Regards

Rockdoc

 

[InLuvWithMrH]

Date: 4/5/2006 12:10:21 PM
Author: jacki0
Aphi,

As a Mom, it breaks my heart to think you are this frustrated with your guy and you haven''t even walked down the aisle!! If he is not plugged in now, and not listening to your needs, what can you possibly expect of him in a real time of need? Perhaps this is a good opportunity to really judge his ability to step up to the plate and be a partner. I have been married 20 years, my husband and I went to a Justice of the Peace and had a lovely party afterwards. We often talk about how much stress we avoided (and the money we saved!) This should be a happy time for both of you (stress can never be completely avoided!), but
I really hope this is not a sign of things to come!

Best Wishes!!

I can''t help but echo this opinion. Have you sat down with him and told him how his lack of involvement makes you FEEL? Perhaps let him know how hurt and frustrated you are feeling that he is not participating equally in what is BOTH of yours'' wedding day. Use this time to really pay attention to the two of you as a TEAM, how your communication skills are, and if you don''t like his level of involvement in the most important day of your lives, talk, seek counseling, but good heavens, work it out BEFORE you take the plunge! Good luck!

 

[sosst7]

Hi Aphis...

I know you said that you didn''t have friends nearby, but is there anyone like neighbors you might be close with to help out? Are your parents or his nearby so that they might be able to help out as well?

One idea that would kill two birds with one stone is to gather your friends/neighbors/anyone you can find that is willing to help and have a "favor-making" party. You can just do snacks, make it fun and also have free labor while you are at it!

I live in DC, but if there''s anything I can do to help, please let me know. My wedding is coming up in May but I am one of the lucky ones in that my wedding is a destination wedding (in Hawaii) and it will be just the two of us so all I had to do was find a wedding package and book the person so i will be more than happy to help!

 

[aphisiglovessae]

Thanks again for all your responses.. Let's see if I can reply to some of them.

Teebee ~ Thanks for reminding me that I'm not alone. My MOH mentioned a prescription that her doctor gave her when she was stressed out about the wedding. It started with a B, and she said it wasn't as potent as Valium. She said it was just enough to take the edge off. I want to try and pursue this, but I don't exactly have the greatest insurance right now and my deductible is pretty big. I'll ask for her doctor's name though and see what it may cost me for a visit and prescription.

JackiO ~ I don't really think this is a sign of things to come. He just has different priorities, it seems. If it was something really important to him (such as a child, finances, job or the house) then he would be all over it. It seemed at first that the wedding was just as important, but I guess it's more important to me now than it is to him (which I imagine is the case with most brides and grooms). What really irks me is the fact that he said he wanted to help and how excited he was, but I haven't really seen it. Our friends claim that they can tell he's super excited by the way he talks about the wedding, but maybe he just talks or acts differently with them. I have no clue. I seriously would've rather had the Justice of the Peace and the party, even more after all this planning.

Decodelighted ~ I'm trying to be proud of my accomplishments so far, but all I can really think about is what I haven't done yet. I was always the type of person to do everything early and quickly. In my mind, I should have everything done by now so I can just relax and enjoy life, so the fact I have a whole list of things not done is driving me nuts! I'm going to try my list idea and take it one challenge at a time.. Hope it works..

Rockdoc ~ Familial sisters?? No, except for my future sister-in-law, but she's in Oregon right now. Sorority Sisters? The ones I knew have moved away and I don't know a single new sister. I would REALLY love to take a trip to Orlando and have some roller-coaster fun, but it's not financially possible for me right now. We are taking a little trip to the outlet stores in Foley, AL to go shopping for some new clothes (on a VERY limited budget). Hopefully it'll be a fun time. We just have to be really frugal because of the cost of the wedding and we just took out a home equity line of credit to consolidate some previous debts. It's not much, but debt is debt and we want to get rid of it ASAP. So really, going out to do anything has been dwindled down due to lack of money. Sometimes if we do go out and we see someone we know they say "wow, Jenn and Drew decided to come out of their caves and be sociable! We haven't seen you in so long, we thought you moved away or something." It's a little frustrating for me to hear comments like that, but I don't disagree..

InLuvWithMrH ~ I think I've sat him down and talked to him about it a few times and nothing really came of it. He would act like he wants to help for a very short while and then he would get preoccupied with something else (that I don't think is NEARLY as important) or what he says he'll do doesn't get done.. I keep emphasizing the fact that it's OUR wedding and not just my wedding and that I want him to help me with some of the decisions, but I can't even get something as simple as an opinion from him. It doesn't require any effort, just a little brain power, but he still can't do it! I'm currently looking for a pre-marital counselor because he did agree to do it, but it's hard to find one that isn't church related around here.

Sosst7 ~ I feel like such a hermit saying this, but no, we don't have any neighbors that we're close with to help out. We JUST started talking to a couple of them recently, but it hasn't been much more than a "hi, how are you? Have a great day." His parents are in Pennsylvania and mine are 2.5 hours away. His parents try to help out as much as they can, but they're limited with what they can do, due to the distance. My parents have been some help so far, but I only see them once a month and the distance is still too much for them (they're workaholics and rarely have a chance to take time off). I wish we could've been able to do the DW thing like you, but like I said, HE wanted a bigger wedding and we already have over half of it planned.


Thanks again, I feel better knowing I have all your support.

 

[SarFarSuperstar]

Sorry to hear that your guy is slacking off! It''s weird, guys will get all excited about the wedding planning, but when it comes time to make actual decisions they freak out or just shut off. It''s weird, maybe like it''s too much pressure or too big a deal. They can''t handle it or something. My fiance says I''m being a micromanager for trying to figure out invitations or floral arrangements (when in reality, I''m pretty relaxed about the whole deal) but I keep telling him, if I don''t figure this stuff out- no one will! It''s not like those invitations are going to address themselves. Just take several deep breaths a day and just remember- the wedding is one day, but the marriage is forever. If something goes awry, it''ll just be one more funny story to tell the grandkids!

 

[snow_happy]

Hey Aphi

Sorry for your situation! It sounds to me like you''ve tried to talk to him about getting more involved and then he doesn''t. Instead, maybe try setting a specific time (Mondays at 7pm for example) that he will be home and that he commits to working on wedding stuff with you. If you set a specific time and day, or he sets it, then it''s more than just talking about him helping and expecting him to do something. Now, it will be on his schedule. Plus, if you make it regular then maybe it will become more habit and he will adjust to making time for it.

I know that most of the time I talk to my FI about doing something nothing actually gets done until one of us says "let''s sit down and do this right now"

Just a suggestion

 

[Tacori E-ring]

ummm...my FI actually asked if he had to come with me to get our marriage license

He gives a whole new example of being uninvolved. Not only has he never even SEEN where we are getting married, he knows no details. We hardly even talk about it. So I think there are a lot of us in the same boat. I just ignore it and make fun of him

 

[leeenie]

I think what JackiO and InLuv are trying to say is that it doesn''t matter that these aren''t his priorities. The point is that they are important to YOU and stressing YOU out and he''s not responding in a positive way. The fact that he was the cause for all of this planning and making you feel this way makes it even stickier - he''s not taking responsibility for what he''s caused. Even if he''s not as into planning as he may have been at the beginning when he said he wanted an elaborate wedding, now that you''ve committed to doing it, the least he can do is help you out. Talking about being excited or acting like he will help but not actually following through means nothing. You mentioned pre-marital counseling - that might be a good idea to get him to be more responsive to your needs and feelings.

 

[selflove]

Date: 4/5/2006 1:23:10 AM
Author: aphisiglovessae
Thanks for the offer Ebree..

I honestly don''t know what you can help me with, unless you can make a trip to Pensacola. I have about 15 chopstick lanterns to make, vows to pick, my bouquet to make, programs to design and print, garters to make (and I don''t even know how to use my sewing machine! My fiance is the sew master in the house), an engagement photo to pick for display, appointments to make for the wedding party... And that''s only half the list. It seems to get longer and longer... Sigh....

I''m so sorry to hear you are going through this! It really sounds like he is not going to change, so unfortunately maybe you have to change your approach to the wedding, to save your sanity. If you are really too stressed out to deal, eliminate or modify some of these details.

1) Does anyone really care about a program? Probably not, so save yourself hours of stress and don''t have one. No one will think less of your wedding!

2) Sew your garters? Come on, they are like $5 at Joann fabrics or Michael''s, just go buy them and save yourself a TON of stress.

3) Get a bunch of people, enlist his groomsmen too!!, to help you with the chopstick lanterns. Are they the centerpiece? They sound great but if making 15 of them is stressing you out, then choose something more simple.

4) Us PS''ers will help you choose an engagement photo!!

5) You decide on the vows yourself if he''s not participating. There, done, cross it off the list.

6) You''re practically a pro with the flowers, just have fun with this one!

7) Making appts...can you delegate the wedding party people involved to do this for themselves. Like sent them an email with the phone number of the person they need to call and they do it themselves.

I dunno if any of these suggestions will help, but maybe they will give you some food for thought. Keep it simple and it will be less stressful. Also, hiring a wedding planner may not be as expensive as you think so maybe call a few people. Your sanity is worth any price, right? Hang in there, take it day by day, have your list of stuff to do and try to cross off 1 or 2 things a day from it.

 

[aphisiglovessae]

Sorry I haven't replied, I got busy at work...

SarFarSuperstar ~ I'll certainly try!

Snow_happy ~ That's a really good idea! I'll try it out.

Selflove ~ Thanks SO much for all the suggestions, but here's the thing.. I've already enlisted a couple of program passer-outers for the wedding and they're so excited because it makes them feel important (they're just teens and they're my fiance's cousins). I couldn't possibly break their hearts by not having the programs, and there's no other task I can really give them. I looked at the garters at Michaels and JoAnns, and I'm not liking them very much. Besides, the garters are going to be custom to represent significant things with me and Drew. I know of a place that will custom make garters for me, but it'll cost almost 40 bucks a piece. Way too expensive for my blood. I know that they'll be easy to make once I get motivated (and once Drew shows me AGAIN how to work that darn sewing machine he got me), it's just finding the time between everything else that's hard. All of our groomsmen and bridesmaids (with the exception of two) live in three or four other states. The groomsman that lives here isn't worth anything as far as craft help goes, but if you need connections for stuff he's definitely the man to talk to. He's hooked us up with a lot. The Bridesmaid, well my MOH actually, is just so busy with her new job and coaching, I'd feel terrible asking her to spend her 5 minutes of her free time doing this junk. The chopstick lanterns are my centerpieces and they are too cool (and way too inexpensive) to put aside, plus I already have the 600 chopsticks to do them. What would I do with that many chopsticks?? They're not too much of a pain to do, but they're very time consuming and can sometimes be a little finicky. Same problem with the garters, I just need to find the time between everything else.. I've decided on choosing the vows myself, but I'm a little pissed because it's something that both of us are supposed to choose together and I'm doing it myself. I made some of the appointments today and all I have left is the nail appointment, which I'll do someday after work, once I figure out what day is best for the girls. As for the engagement photo, I'm going to be stopping by my photographer's house to see what he and his wife think would be best for display (it'll be a 16 x 20). I'm basically paying the price for doing everything myself to save money. I probably should've asked for two years to plan instead of one.

I'm slowly, but surely, getting things in order again. I'm just so frustrated at my fiance because of his lack of help and opinion. Once again, I appreciate ALL of the replies and I send much love to each and every one of you.

 

[HOUMedGal]

I wish I was closer to you to offer my help in person! I understand the stresses of doing lots of stuff yourself...I, too, have decided to go that route, and although I think it''s worth it for the $$$ that we''ll save, it IS more stressful, especially when the time comes that stuff really needs to get DONE. Just wanted to say "I feel ya" and encourage you to continue to vent to us on here...hopefully it''s helping you to feel a little better!!!

 

[snow_happy]

Hello again

No one mentioned this but have you started reading the message boards on theknot.com? There are local message boards and I''ve found it a very useful resource for local vendors, etc. definitely better than starting nothing.

Good luck and feel free to ask questions or vent!

 

[aphisiglovessae]

I try to stay away from that horrible place. I tried looking at the message boards there and all I saw was a bunch of girls bashing each other and nothing getting accomplished. As for local vendors, I have them all already. Like I said, I''ve been planning for a year and I only have three months until the big day. If I didn''t have all that figured out by now, I''d be in serious trouble!

 

[nytemist]

Aphis, I''m so sory this is happening. As with most men, they don''t get it. The fact that there are dealines to meet and things to do. I definately would sit him down and tell him that this has to be a team effort, (remember he wanted a full cermony!) Ask him does he plan on being this uninvolved with every big event?

After Ian and I got engaged, I started throwing out ideas with him, but the farthest his mind would go was "how much will it cost..." even though I''m trying to do everything as inexpensive as possible. His eyes would just glaze over about decorations and all that. So I stopped and began boucing ideas with my co-worker, who I asked to be a bridesmaid. She is crafty so for the past month or so, we''ve been coming up with all sorts of things. So one day I mentioned something about the hurricane lamps I was going to get as part of the centerpieces. He kind of flipped out, saying what are those, I haven''t seen anything, what are you trying to do... I basically took Caribou''s POV and told him every time I mention something, you acted like you didn''t care or want to be involved, just wanted it to be over and done with. So I stopped asking you. This is your wedding too- either you get involved or just don''t complain when you walk into the function room and don''t like anything you see.

 

[jaz464]

Ahhh! Men can be sooo obnoxious. You know what I would do? Nothing! It seems to me that lighting a fire under him is not working because he know that if he doesn't help out, you will pick up the slack. I'd tell him the rest is his responsibility and if nothing more gets done, so be it.

Sorry to say but your FH doesn't sound like too nice of a guy. Why would he let you go through this kind of stress without lending a helping hand

?

Why should he be able to attend the wedding, almost as a guest would? Doing none of the work and enjoying the fruits of your labor?

I agree with teagreen. Even if this is not a priority of his, it should become one because of what you are going through. He should want to help relieve some of your stress, not for the wedding's sake, but for your sake.