I''m guilty....

[Narwhal]

I have the LIWitis....
This board is probably not helping. I found it after searching gemstones and then found all these other great forums.

I haven''t joined the list, as i know its not coming soon. We have been together 4 yrs, 3.5 living together. We moved states for my job. He joined me no questions asked. We even looked at buying a house this spring but it didn''t work with the short sale and we had to sign a lease to have a place to live. But when I start to bring the subject up, he shuts down, is quiet and all i get is he is not ready- kind of like the vent thread that is going on now. He tends to not be so proactive, so I worry he will never think to ask if I don''t bring it up. He will be happy to just coast along as is. But I also don''t want to pressure him into something he is not ready for.

But now.... I found a ring that I am in love with. Its used, in my size, in our (my estimated) price range. And its SOOO much bigger than anything we could afford if we bought new. It is a slightly lower color, which i am fine with.

I stalked the poster and PM''d her when the listing disappeared. She says it just needed to be renewed! Now she wants to know if I''m interested. OF COURSE I AM! But what do I say? I was stalking it and really cant get it right now cause my BF has no intention of proposing anytime soon? It could be one heck of a promise ring

I''ve tried talking to people at work (only friends since the move) and they are all in very different places and can''t really understand my crazy. I am hoping you ladies will

 

[tlh]

I think you need to have a discussion with your BF about your relationship. It is important that he knows getting married is important to you - and talking about it is not a bad idea. Bringing up the ring, is a little much though, and a lot of PRESSURE if he isn''t ready. You''ll need to discuss what his and your ideas are...about marriage, proposals, etc... just a chit chat - to establish a base.

If you want the ring, and can afford it as a RHR - go ahead and get it... but do not look at this as an engagement ring w/o talking with your SO first.

Good luck to you.

 

[Gleam]

I''m not sure how old you and your boyfriend are, but 4 years is a long time to be together! My fiance and I were together about three years when we got engaged (just a little over a month ago). How much longer does he plan to wait? Do you know why he shuts down when you want to discuss marriage? Is it because he doesn''t want to pay for a ring, is scared of commitment or what?

Sorry you''re feeling down. I think we''ve all been in your shoes, where we''re just like "When is it going to happen!!!"

 

[Winks_Elf]

I''d be questioning that whole "not ready" thing too. You''ve been living together for 3.5 years already...but he''s "not ready" for marriage? No offense, but he''s getting the milk for free.

 

[Narwhal]

We both in our late 20''s. He is a yr old than me. The big 3 0 is coming up in 2-3 yrs for both of us.

I tried to start the conversation a few times lately. Usually its later at night when I feel most comfortable. That doesn''t bode well with him, i know. But its hard for me to start it earlier. We are always doing something earlier, watching tv, movies, him playing video games, going places etc. Never seems like a good time to "talk". This last time I brought it up, I didn''t let it drop. He didn''t have much to say besides it makes him panic, just the thought. Its not me, I''m perfect etc. Just the forever and marriage part. I told him that it is scary for me too. But that I think after 4 yrs we should start to discuss it, just in general. I told him my fears of waiting too long, having a mistake happen or the fact that our familes are getting older, my bro is joining the Marines- I dont want to wait too long and have something horrible happen, that those people cant be at our wedding.

I''ve never thought I would get married. never had bfs or anything serious until him. So all these thoughts are very new to me. So i honestly don''t know how important marriage is to me. Its more its an importatant step for us, i think. I was never that girl that just wanted to marry to get married. The thought of him taking the initiative and getting a ring and proposing is the most sweetest thing i can imagine.

I think the house shopping, offer placing and mortgage getting sped up my clock. With all the house talk, everyone kept commenting how soon is he going to propose etc. That was roughly the time I found PS. So now that house talks are on hold, the question of why can''t we still discuss this even without the house?

I''ve only showed him the ring quickly in a "this is a good deal and very pretty'' way. Not a- buy this for me and propose way. He didn''t seem too interested. He often looks over my shoulder as I surf PS and ask questions if I like this or that, how much etc. He is all in the know about the Leon sagas

So not too too odd for me to show him a ring or something. Some things he will talk a lot about, others get an "oh".

I honestly do not want him to feel he has to do something he doesn''t want. That ruins the whole great part for me. The fact that he wants to commit to me. So pressuring him is the last thing i want to do. I just dont know how to bring it up in a civil fashion so he doesn''t feel trapped or pressured.


Thanks for giving me a place to write this all out.

Hard to talk to single co workers who are all approching or in Babies are not an option land.

 

[Narwhal]

Date: 10/19/2009 1:11:14 PM
Author: Winks_Elf
I''d be questioning that whole ''not ready'' thing too. You''ve been living together for 3.5 years already...but he''s ''not ready'' for marriage? No offense, but he''s getting the milk for free.

Oh yeah. And he jokes about that and how I''m his. And I respond back with- how do you know I''m yours?

A yr or so ago, he said something to the affect that him moving 1000 miles should show that he loves me that much. I asked if Marriage was on the table for the future and he said yes, there is no reason not to consider it, eventually. But I think his time line and mine are way off.

 

[lilyfoot]

Narwhal, from what you''ve described of your boyfriend, he doesn''t seem like the type who is going to have a change of heart (at least not anytime soon). IMO, the only thing left to do is for you to evaluate how important getting married is to you.

If you want to be with him, fully acknowledging the fact that you may not get married for a number of years or you may NEVER get married, then stay. If you can''t deal with those prospects, then I''d say it''s time to move on.

A lot of times, issues in relationships hold a lot of gray areas. To me, this sounds pretty black and white. He seems to be honest about his feelings towards marriage, and you have to take what he says at face value.

Good luck

P.S. for the seller of the ring you''re looking at, I would just apologize and say your plans have changed. No need to give a stranger all the details of your relationship!

 

[TooPatient]

If it is something he could afford, you should let him know how much you like it. Make sure he knows that buying a ring is NOT proposing. He could buy it and tuck it away in a drawer until he is ready.

You may not get to wear it now, but at least he''d have it for when the time is right.


Since he is looking over your shoulder at PS and says he sees marriage in your future (even though he won''t say when), it sounds like he is serious. It is possible that he is trying to learn more about what you would like.
A psychologist once told me that his looking at rings (or pictures of rings) and other wedding/marriage related stuff with me was his way of getting used to the idea. Getting more comfortable with it. Preparing to actually move towards proposal & marriage.

That might be true for your bf.