- Joined
- Feb 22, 2009
- Messages
- 4,602
Dear wise ones,
I have often been amazed by the caring and thorough responses that you have given to the confused and hurting people on this forum. I know that I haven't been here for very long or participated much, but I feel that I need all of the help I can get with my life's situation. So I will reach out...
Some of you know that less than 7 weeks ago, my step father committed suicide. Our family has been so devastated over this loss. Our oldest son (16) was particularly shattered by the loss. He drew into himself very quickly. We watched him closely and decided to give it a small amount of time to see if it was normal grief. A week later, a friend of his was murdered. This complicated his grief greatly. He became even more depressed. At that point, we decided to get him into therapy.
Our oldest son has a very sorted past. He was abused by a step father in his very young years and abused again by a different step father in his teens. He's gone back and forth between his mom's house and our house, due to his own violence and rage and finally ended up in our home for good due to the fights he had with his current step father. He's also been in and out of therapy. I really could go on and on about his story, I'm not sure what details should be shared and what I should leave out. I just fear writing a book here. The one thing I will say is that he has a pattern of reacting with violence when he doesn't get what he wants. It is usually violence toward inanimate objects or others.
We have trust issues with him because he frequently lies to us. This results in less freedom than he would like. He also doesn't like to endure the consequences for his actions much. Recently, he was caught at his girlfriend's house without a parent present. Her father actually left the two of them alone! We decided that it would be best if they spent time at our home instead. To put it another way, our son isn't allowed to be at her house anymore because it is obvious to us that her father is allowing them to be alone, when we've made it clear to him that we don't allow that for our son. We also found out that our son is cutting class...a lot, so he was grounded. This caused another melt down.
We don't feel we are unreasonable parents. We require parents to be present when our teens are at a friend's home or a girlfriend's/boyfriend's home. We require a timeline for when they are out and about. We also require that we be told exactly where they are at all times. We also require reasonable grades in order for any privileges to take place. Reasonable grades mean no D's or F's.
Well our son feels that is too much. To the point to where he attempted to hang himself and is now in a psychiatric hospital. Now that he is in the hospital, he is full of rage toward us, says our rules are too strict, says we expect too much out of him, and that we are unrealistic parents. "Everyone thinks so." The only thing that we can really get out of him is that he wishes for no rules, especially when it comes to his girlfriend.
I should add that his girlfriend has no real rules in her home. She does come and go as she pleases. She's 17 and is allowed to drink and party with friends who are 21. She doesn't have limits set for her by her parents and I wonder if that is complicating matters.
What do you do? We've spoken to his therapist and he says to keep setting limits like loving parents do. He said our limits weren't out of the norm. He said if we didn't set these limits, he could hurt himself that way too. I feel we're being held hostage in a way. If we don't give him what he wants, he'll probably hurt himself. If we do, he'll probably hurt himself.
A lot of people say he's manipulating but there is also the side of the story that he has lost two people in his life and he is probably feeling very emotionally desperate. Maybe he's just directing his anger for the suicide and murder at us because we're safe? I just have a hard time seeing his actions as manipulation. It doesn't feel right to me.
Well, I don't know what else to say right now. I'm sorry this is so long...thank you for reading.
I have often been amazed by the caring and thorough responses that you have given to the confused and hurting people on this forum. I know that I haven't been here for very long or participated much, but I feel that I need all of the help I can get with my life's situation. So I will reach out...
Some of you know that less than 7 weeks ago, my step father committed suicide. Our family has been so devastated over this loss. Our oldest son (16) was particularly shattered by the loss. He drew into himself very quickly. We watched him closely and decided to give it a small amount of time to see if it was normal grief. A week later, a friend of his was murdered. This complicated his grief greatly. He became even more depressed. At that point, we decided to get him into therapy.
Our oldest son has a very sorted past. He was abused by a step father in his very young years and abused again by a different step father in his teens. He's gone back and forth between his mom's house and our house, due to his own violence and rage and finally ended up in our home for good due to the fights he had with his current step father. He's also been in and out of therapy. I really could go on and on about his story, I'm not sure what details should be shared and what I should leave out. I just fear writing a book here. The one thing I will say is that he has a pattern of reacting with violence when he doesn't get what he wants. It is usually violence toward inanimate objects or others.
We have trust issues with him because he frequently lies to us. This results in less freedom than he would like. He also doesn't like to endure the consequences for his actions much. Recently, he was caught at his girlfriend's house without a parent present. Her father actually left the two of them alone! We decided that it would be best if they spent time at our home instead. To put it another way, our son isn't allowed to be at her house anymore because it is obvious to us that her father is allowing them to be alone, when we've made it clear to him that we don't allow that for our son. We also found out that our son is cutting class...a lot, so he was grounded. This caused another melt down.
We don't feel we are unreasonable parents. We require parents to be present when our teens are at a friend's home or a girlfriend's/boyfriend's home. We require a timeline for when they are out and about. We also require that we be told exactly where they are at all times. We also require reasonable grades in order for any privileges to take place. Reasonable grades mean no D's or F's.
Well our son feels that is too much. To the point to where he attempted to hang himself and is now in a psychiatric hospital. Now that he is in the hospital, he is full of rage toward us, says our rules are too strict, says we expect too much out of him, and that we are unrealistic parents. "Everyone thinks so." The only thing that we can really get out of him is that he wishes for no rules, especially when it comes to his girlfriend.
I should add that his girlfriend has no real rules in her home. She does come and go as she pleases. She's 17 and is allowed to drink and party with friends who are 21. She doesn't have limits set for her by her parents and I wonder if that is complicating matters.
What do you do? We've spoken to his therapist and he says to keep setting limits like loving parents do. He said our limits weren't out of the norm. He said if we didn't set these limits, he could hurt himself that way too. I feel we're being held hostage in a way. If we don't give him what he wants, he'll probably hurt himself. If we do, he'll probably hurt himself.
A lot of people say he's manipulating but there is also the side of the story that he has lost two people in his life and he is probably feeling very emotionally desperate. Maybe he's just directing his anger for the suicide and murder at us because we're safe? I just have a hard time seeing his actions as manipulation. It doesn't feel right to me.
Well, I don't know what else to say right now. I'm sorry this is so long...thank you for reading.
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