I'm going nuts!

[somedaysunday]

Ladies, I officially need your help.

Okay, per your (very good) previous advice, I know I need to *chill out* and wait a bit longer before testing the waters with my BF of 8-9 months.

But I honestly don't know what's wrong with me! I just can't stop thinking about it - about how I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him. About a wedding. And kids. I'll be 29 in a few days, and before I met BF, I was in a 4 year relationship from 23-27. I never EVER had these feelings (ahem, obsession) about marrying my ex. Maybe it's because I'm older; or maybe the difference is that now I'm sure it's right.

What's killing me is, what if I'm completely out on this limb by myself? I can't get past the fear that I've made all of it up in my head. I know he loves me - but what if I'm totally off base and he doesn't actually even see a future with me? I have no trust in my ability to see what's really there (that's some baggage, I guess).

So here I am, with so many diamond ring banner ads that it's scary (HOW do you get rid of those??). I can't help but think about my ideal timeline/future - but be afraid that I'm totally clueless.

The other complicating factor is that I'm in my 3rd and final year of law school. Not only has the outrageous senioritis started to get to me, but the fact that I have no idea what kind of job I'm going to get, or where, has just started to DRIVE ME BONNNNKERS!!



Help!

SS

 

[lvcushion]

I think there's a difference between sounding crazy and discussing the possibility of a future with your boyfriend. Have you ever mentioned your futures, your future families, whether it has been together or separate? Maybe you can spark a conversation if it's the right time. Ask him how he feels about getting married, in general, and feel it out a little. Nothing wrong with that! Good luck!

 

[chemgirl]

I was engaged at the 9 month mark so I don't think its too early to have the future talk. Obviously don't pressure him about proposing and don't focus on ring/wedding/timelines during the conversation. I think those things might be a bit overwhelming to him if you haven't really discussed whether you see yourselves getting married at some point. Its totally fair to see if he plans on getting married, if he wants kids, where he wants to live long term, what type of goals he has for the future, etc. Feel free to ask him where you fit in. You should never be out on a limb in your relationship!

 

[somedaysunday]

Thank you so much for your replies, ladies.

Any suggestions on how to bring it up? I'm really really sensitive about not being pushy - to a fault, I think.


Thank you for your help!

SS

 

[chemgirl]

Thank you so much for your replies, ladies.

Any suggestions on how to bring it up? I'm really really sensitive about not being pushy - to a fault, I think.


Thank you for your help!

SS

Its easy to bring it up if somebody you know gets engaged/married/has a kid. You could also start talking about it casually during a relevant tv show (like How I Met Your Mother or Modern Family). You can start if off lighthearted and then bring the conversation around to your relationship.

I don't think talking about your future is being pushy. Its as simple as saying that you see yourself with him long term and asking if he's on the same page. I know it can be a bit awkward, and does put him on the spot, but its not like you're trying to corner him in to proposing to you in the next few months. You're just trying to see where he's at! At this point its important for you to know that he at least sees marriage as a possibility.

 

[JaymeC]

I think that it is 100% normal to have this discussion re:do you see us getting married? Even earlier than the 9 month mark. I think that determining what your SO wants in life is extremely important because you need to decide if your plans and his are congruent. I have friends that never really "pushed" any subject only to realize their now husbands don't want children and they do. Determining these things early allows you to decide if this is a partnership for the long haul or if your trains are heading in opposite directions. Just ask!

 

[mjertl]

well, you're at the point where you're about to launch a career and need to figure out where you are going to look at jobs. knowing whether or not you need to factor him into that decision is a good jumping off point for talking about a future together.
I am finishing a medical residency, and knew fairly early into my current relationship that we would need to talk about whether I should think about "us" or just "me" when looking for jobs. I got the best answer ever - think about myself and he will follow regardless. I am now expecting a proposal from this incredibly supportive and wonderful man as soon as the ring is finished, even though we have been together less than a year. And I am SO happy we talked about it!

 

[somedaysunday]

Mjertl and others,

Not to be dense, but can you tell me some good ways to approach it? Like what words you might use and how? I need a LIW for Dummies book!


Thank you!


SS

 

[maebelle]

The watching television thing works! It wasn't Modern Family or How I met Your Mother is was "Big Bang Theory". One of the characters was proposing and talking about carat sizes (He actually says, "A half carat will be fine, she has tiny hands, that's one of the reasons I love her") and my SO actually asked how a half carat compared to what our friends had. I then got to show him some sapphire websites and show him what I liked and that it was less about carat weigh in gemstones but more about color and size. I was SUPER nervous (after showing him everything I was like "This isn't me trying to pressure you into buying right now, this is me just making sure I don't end up with a diamond") and he could tell, but he emailed all the links to himself so it was a win.

 

[somedaysunday]

The watching television thing works! It wasn't Modern Family or How I met Your Mother is was "Big Bang Theory". One of the characters was proposing and talking about carat sizes (He actually says, "A half carat will be fine, she has tiny hands, that's one of the reasons I love her") and my SO actually asked how a half carat compared to what our friends had. I then got to show him some sapphire websites and show him what I liked and that it was less about carat weigh in gemstones but more about color and size. I was SUPER nervous (after showing him everything I was like "This isn't me trying to pressure you into buying right now, this is me just making sure I don't end up with a diamond") and he could tell, but he emailed all the links to himself so it was a win.

Well, that worked out really well! Ideal, actually. Maybe I should start watching something with him other than Kitchen Nightmare?

 

[star sparkle]

I was in exactly your position 4 or 5 months ago. I wanted to have The Talk with him but was really worried about seeming pushy and scaring him off, so I struggled for quite awhile trying to figure out a way to bring it up. The way it ended up happening for us, and I'm totally not advocating this as a tactic, was that we got into a pretty huge fight about something else because he did something stupid (boys ). In the heat of the moment I blurted something out about my future life plans and whether or not he'd fit into them, blah blah blah. And from there, we both calmed down and actually had a really great discussion about our future, marriage, kids, etc. We'd been together 10 or 11 months at that point and I had told myself I'd wait until we hit the year mark before bringing the subject up, but it had been nagging at me so long that I just couldn't keep it in during that moment of weakness when we argued.

Now, I know that's not helpful to you at all because it all just kinda happened (and probably not the best way, either, but what can ya do?). Just thought it might help you hear that I don't think you sound crazy at all, we all get to this point and some of us just have a harder time broaching the subject with our SO's. Good luck!! I think the television thing is a cute idea, especially because BF and I watch How I met Your Mother religiously! Why didn't I think of that one?!

ETA-- Oh, and I was seriously feeling the EXACT same way you were. I was already envisioning our future and marriage and such, but I was afraid that he didn't feel the same way. I was even thinking he didn't ever want to get married and it was upsetting me which is ridiculous because he'd never said anything about it to me, I had just made it all up in my head. Imagine my shock and elation when we finally DID talk about it and he was totally on board! He HAD in the past said things leading me to believe he wouldn't ever want to have kids, which was a red flag for me because I do want at least one in the distant future, but since we've been more open and talking about this stuff he has brought up our future kids' names on more than one occassion. It's way cute!

 

[mjertl]

I think waiting for the right moment on TV might leave you waiting for a long time, unless you stage it, which will probably feel, well, staged....
Honestly, with my BF we were talking about the options with my future career. I'm an anesthesiology resident, and was very up in the air about whether I wanted to go into private practice, or pursue a fellowship and career in academics. Since he's my best friend, he was a logical person to talk with about all the options. I'm not that familiar with how job hunting goes for new lawyers, but I'm sure there are also many big choices ahead of you... At any rate, as we were talking, I mentioned that there is a very real chance that I will need to move away. I asked how he felt about that, and where he saw us heading as a couple. Fortunately, he said he would follow me anywhere, and that he sees himself spending his life with me.
Seeing as you are considering spending your life with this man, I think it's in your best interest to be very upfront an honest. You two will have many BIG conversations in your life together, and since you are facing some major decisions for yourself right now I think you would only be doing yourself and him a favor by just talking honestly and openly about it all now, rather than trying to be coy. Also, discussing these things with him may leave you feeling better about your career stresses too... Good luck.

 

[maebelle]

A good point, my point is that there *are* natural conversation starters that happen, and you can take advantage of them without sounding like you are being pushy (which I worry about entirely too much).

 

[PA-C]

I can definitely empathize with how you are feeling as I had the same feelings myself prior to talking with my SO - and also felt pretty crazy to the point of "obsession" with thinking about it EVERY day ALL the time Note that I'm not engaged yet, but I feel much more comfortable (after a few conversations) that BF and I are on the same page.

Honestly, I think the best way to approach the discussion is to be totally candid. In my experience, men tend to respond much better when you approach them in a logical, honest way. That way they don't feel like it is a confrontation and they don't feel like there are any games or that you expect him to read your mind. Also, the sooner you do it the better so it doesn't build up even more and cause you to have an emotional explosion!

I would say something like, "Baby (or insert your own pet name here), I have been thinking about my future a lot because I am approaching the end of law school. When thinking about my future, I can't help but to think about OUR future. Because of this, I want to talk to you about where we want to go with our relationship. I need you to know this conversation is hard for me to start because I am worried about making you feel like I am pressuring you, so I also need you to know that that is absolutely NOT my intent. I just want to get a feel for whether or not we are on the same page about our goals." Continue on from there....

Or something along those lines. Let him know that you are thinking about it. Let him know that you are worried about sounding pushy. Let him know what you want. And then tell him know how you are feeling (nervous? excited? sad?) during the conversation without allowing those feelings bias what you are saying and, more importantly, HOW you are saying it. Try not to get defensive and even if he says things that you may not like, tell him in a CALM way why it may upset you. By telling him the truth about both how you feel and what you are worried about, you have been totally honest and you have allowed him to understand you that much better. He will also learn how to trust you and know that he doesn't have to guess what you feel and he will also be less inhibited to be honest with you if he knows you are not going to go crazy emotional about it.

Sorry for the long post. I hope it's at least somewhat helpful. I know not all men are the same, so maybe this won't work with your hubby, but at least it's a thought

 

[chloeishere]

I worried about "being pushy" and broaching the subject with my boyfriend of 4 years! You are certainly not alone in that aspect. (It was a different situation because we got together in our early 20s, and did a lot of growing up together. When you are more mature, it makes sense to start thinking about marriage and such earlier in a relationship). When we started dating, I was very much not interested in talking about marriage or a major commitment for, about... 4 years. We had spoken in a general sense about our future together and having kids and stuff (and for me, having kids is a marriage thing, which he knew).

But yes, I got very frustrated that absolutely nothing was happening, and I got... kind of angry with him about it. Teary and emotional (which I'm not normally, I am normally direct and say what I mean) and miserable with him. And I didn't want to be "pushy" or "force him into something he isn't ready for"... but at the same time, I thought, "if he doesn't know by 4 years/ 4.5 year, whether or not he wants to be with me, then there is no point in continuing this relationship! He should know by now!"

We did have a "future fight" which started about something else (I felt like he was pushing me away and trying to distance me-- which actually was a little right). Eventually, the core issue came up (why he was distancing from me), which is that I am in graduate school for my PhD, and he's a cop. In 3 years, I am going to be looking for a job, and chances are I'm not going to be able to stay local, but he has a job with the local police. We'd discussed it a little bit in the past, and realized we couldn't make any decisions because we don't know what the job market will be like then... but I thought the important thing was that we love each other and that we could find a way to make it work, eventually, even if we have to do the long distance/ travel thing for a year. We talked about a lot of other stuff too, and in the end we decided that we would stay together (and I thought we'd have another discussion in a few months about where we stood).

In the end, the discussion really strengthened our relationship, it was good to get those things out in the open and discuss them, and know we are on the same page. That said, he apparently thought that we had resolved all the issues in that discussion, but I disagreed. At some point, I need more of a commitment than "I love you." So, I finally just brought it up. I do know a lot of people who are getting engaged right now, so there were plenty of openings. TV shows, etc can be a good opening too.

But I just said, it's okay if you aren't readyyet, but I want to know whether you've thought about moving on to "the next step" in this relationship, or if you thought eventually that we will be doing "that". (I probably said, "It's okay if you are not, but I'd like to know" about three hundred times in the conversation, I was so nervous)! He, somehow, had not given it much thought because he thought I was not at all interested in moving on to that step (because of something I had said probably in the first or second year of our relationship... ). He said that he was not at all opposed to the thought, but he was a bit surprised, and willing to talk about it. Like I said, that was at a relationship age of about 4 years and 6 months... our 5 year anniversary is tomorrow, and we are about to send off the stone to be set for the engagement ring. He warmed up to the idea a lot after thinking about it for a few weeks, and he seems genuinely excited about it now! (Apparently he has no idea about how to propose, though, so we'll see how that goes. All I want is the sentiment, it doesn't need to be fancy or expensive.)

That said, if it's driving you crazy (and I understand why it would, believe me) ask him about what he thinks about the future, and whether he thinks this relationship could lead toward marriage. It's not good for your relationshiop if you are upset because you don't know whether he thinks the relationship is marriage material (some guys are fundamentally opposed to marriage, and you want to be sure you are on the same page on kids, marriage, monogamy, etc). If there is a fundamental disagreement (like, he doesn't believe in marriage, you disagree on whether you want kids, etc), it's better to know now, especially if you already believe you want to be with him forever.

And yes, it became an everyday obsession with me. I constantly wondered what he was thinking, and just wished he would TELL ME what he wanted, either way, so I could decide one way or another (i.e. I wanted to stay, but if he really did not want to get married, I wanted to know so I could decide if that was a deal breaker for me or not). The relationship felt stagnant, and I was questioning his feelings for me and his motivation to stay in the relationship. It was not good for the relationship, or my mental health, and it feels like a burden was taken off when I finally just got my feelings out into the open.

Good luck, I hope you are able to talk about it with him, and that everything comes out as you hope!

 

[somedaysunday]

Ladies - I've made a baby step!

So my BF and I had a wonderful day out yesterday, which I reported to my sister via twitter. Well, apparently she was a little tipsy at the time, b/c she replied back both to me AND BF "when do I get to be in the wedding??" Eep!

Well, we were looking at his new phone when the message came in - it made for sort of an awkward moment. BUT then - - thinking of how you ladies would be disappointed in a missed opportunity - - i said, "well, have you ever thought that we might get married?" His response was adorable - a very shy, "Yes baby, I've thought about it." I just said "me too." and left it at that, with a hug.

So it wasn't an actual conversation, but it was something!


SS

 

[sjay184]

Tee hee hee. That was cute.

 

[sjay184]

We started talking about it at about 6 months. We were hanging out, and he wanted me to say something in a foreign language because he thought it was sexy. Anyway, having only studied foreign languages in college, I didn't really have any sexy words in my repertoire. So I blurted out the first phrase that came to mind, which was "I want to be your wife some day." He demanded the translation and I shyly told him what it was...and then he smiled and expressed that he had the same desires as well.

 

[mary poppins]

i said, "well, have you ever thought that we might get married?" His response was adorable - a very shy, "Yes baby, I've thought about it." I just said "me too." and left it at that, with a hug.

So it wasn't an actual conversation, but it was something!


SS

That's reassuring, great news! Now you have a comment to follow up on after a while. Or maybe he'll initiate the next conversation about the topic since it's already been broached.

 

[somedaysunday]

Thanks, Ladies!

I'm going to have to figure out a way to parlay the moment into a full fledged conversation.

 

[OrchidVee]

That's awesome!! I hope you get a chance to have a full blown conversation soon!

 

[mjertl]

yea!!! That was super cute!!!

 

[NervousBuyer]

I don't know if you really care anymore (or even want to), but to get rid of the ring banner ads you have to reset your browser's cookies. Those banner ads track what sites you've been to. Reset your cookies/browser history/etc and they'll go away. But sometimes they're nice to look at