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I''m going crazy - 14 months since he gave the ''place-holder'' ring (promise ring)

Discussion in 'Ladies in Waiting' started by Aurelia, Jul 31, 2006.

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  1. Aurelia
    Shiny_Rock

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    by Aurelia » Jul 31, 2006
    Hi,

    I was hoping to gain some perspective from other girls who are waiting for their men to propose.

    My boyfriend and I will have been together for 4 years in October. We''ve had serious discussions about getting engaged and marriage, and last June he gave me a ''place-holder'' ring for my birthday. He basically wanted to show me he was serious about this whole engagment thing but wasn''t ready to get the ''real'' ring. It''s a nice ring, even if it was very cheap and the sapphire was ''lab created,'' and I wear it every day, but now, after 14 months, the thing is starting to drive me crazy.

    We''re both 28, have steady, well-paying jobs, have a house, etc. There''s money enough in the bank to buy a simple engagement ring (I really don''t want anything too fancy), and at this point I don''t know what is holding him back. This past June (right around my birthday, and a year after he gave the promise ring), we had a pretty big, serious discussion about where things were going. I explained that I was disappointed and upset that he hadn''t made any progress in an entire year and that I really wanted him to understand that this was important to me. He got upset and frustrated and gave me the same kinds of explanations he did last year - too many other things going on (new job, new house, finances, etc...) and that he really wanted this to be his decision to plan the ring and the proposal. I made the mistake of telling a few friends about the ''place-holder'' ring and that we might be engaged soon. That was definetly not the way to go because every time somebody brings it up, or if I''m in a down mood and I even see the people who know about it, it makes me really upset. I don''t have any explanation for them, and it makes me feel like I''m some kind of idiot for ever having said anything in the first place.

    Our relationship is great - it''s not like I feel things have disintegrated in the past year - on the contrary. We''re still incredibly happy and have fun with one another. I''m not concerned that he''s ''going'' anywhere, and know he is faithful and honest with me. He''s the guy of my dreams, and has never made me question him about anything before.

    Yet here I am, alone for a week while he''s out of town at a conference, and bawling my eyes out every night because I can''t figure out what I''ve done wrong, or what is wrong with me that he hasn''t asked me yet. He knows how important it is to me, so it''s not like I''ve not made it clear how I feel. I haven''t made any ultimatums because that just seems like a last resort I''m not comfortable with. I''m not about to end this relationship any time soon because of his lack of initiative, but I''m to the point where him not proposing is keeping me up at night, and making me pretty emotional all the time. It just really, really hurts to not know why he hasn''t proposed yet.

    Aurelia
     
  2. ephemery1
    Brilliant_Rock

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    by ephemery1 » Jul 31, 2006
    I''m so sorry you''re going through this, Aurelia... but you''ve come to the right place, if that helps at all! [​IMG] There are often stories on here similar to yours... an otherwise happy, committed, long-term relationship, but the woman is slowly going crazy because of her boyfriend''s lack of motivation to propose. Mine was sort of an abbreviated version of that story... we were together 3 years, 26 and 27 years old... and I hadn''t quite reached the point of crying myself to sleep at night... but if things had dragged on another year, I would have been in the exact same place as you. [​IMG]

    I wish I had some solid advice for you... in my situation, there were a few important factors that influenced things: 1) I was obviously and openly unhappy about waiting so long... 2) he was done with grad school and financially in a comfortable place... and 3) all his friends were getting married/engaged so he felt some desire to "keep up". It sounds as though you have the first two factors going on... what about the last one? Could he be delaying things because the other people in his life haven''t reached that point yet, so he''s holding back as well? Not that it would be a good excuse if he were... just a potential explanation.

    I think you have a right to be frustrated. I HATE that women end up feeling so powerless in these situations. The relationship is supposed to be a partnership... so why do so many men feel that it''s okay to just disregard your need to begin the next phase of your relationship, and focus only on their own timeline?

    Is it possible to sit down with your boyfriend and clearly state that you need to KNOW that timeline? Not an ultimatum, not an exact day. You just need a general idea of when this is going to happen, so that you can get on with your everyday life and maintain your sanity. Some women have gotten a vague "sometime in the next year or so", others have gotten "by August". Decide what kind of "window" you are most comfortable with, and share that with him. Hopefully that will force him to actually think things through in his own mind... rather than just go on indefinitely thinking "well of course we''ll get married... someday." Good luck to you... keep posting!! [​IMG]
     
  3. Fancy605
    Brilliant_Rock

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    by Fancy605 » Jul 31, 2006
    I agree, this is definately a good place to come commiserate with others who are in the same or similar situations


    Out of curiousity are you two living togeteher in the house? Maybe I am clueless, but if you have jobs and a house that you are both contributing towards, then I don''t see where finances is a problem because they probably aren''t going to change that much once you get married.
     
  4. Aurelia
    Shiny_Rock

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    by Aurelia » Jul 31, 2006
    Thank you Ephemery and Fancy for replying! I was wondering if at this point I sound so utterly pathetic and spineless that people were like.... "goodness, she''s a lost cause..." I''m kind of kidding, but re-reading my post made me realize exactly how desperate I sound. UGH!

    Fancy, we bought our house last December (1 1/2 years ago) - and somehow that made me feel like things were on track! I mean that is a serious step forward, no? And in terms of our finances, our bank account is doing just fine. Our money is almost entirely "our" money, though I have a CD left over from when I was a kid... it''s just sitting there, growing happily, having never been touched. I''ve even offered that we use this money to buy the ring, but he says that''s not how it''s "supposed" to be done... He had no issue using "our" money with the house, so I guess it really is just about the ring.

    I was reading about some other girls here who proposed to their men, but I casually mentioned that a while ago and he gave me a look of death - like WOW, how could you even consider that! But really, what''s frustrating is that we make all our other decisions together, why not this one?

    Ephemery, maybe part of the problem is that one of his friends has already been married and is already divorced, one is currently married and not blissfully happy, and the rest are either single and living the high life, or at the start of fairly new relationships. Yet my boyfriend doesn''t go out with them that often - maybe twice a month? And I made it clear a while ago that he can go whenever he wants to - I like it when I hang out with them too... But maybe this is the problem. I hadn''t thought about that too much, because he never talks about it much. Perhaps it''s affecting him more than I realize.

    okay, back to work! thanks again for listening to me whine - I think I really just needed to vent!

    Aurelia
     
  5. ladykemma
    Ideal_Rock

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    by ladykemma » Jul 31, 2006
    take the place holder ring off.

    "He got upset and frustrated and gave me the same kinds of explanations he did last year - too many other things going on (new job, new house, finances, etc...) "

    But there never is a perfect time , is there? for getting pregnant, too. sounds like you two are pretty stable and finances are set, whats to improve?

    What''s your bottom line? Rhetorical question, to begin thinking about.

    he''s getting all his needs met, why should he change anything?

    he needs to know that you hurt.
     
  6. Aurelia
    Shiny_Rock

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    by Aurelia » Jul 31, 2006
    HeHe... Laddy Kemma, you make it sound so simple! And I know it really is that simple. Take the ring OFF! Sometimes if I''m putting lotion on before we go out, and forget to put it back on, he notices, and I mean he notices quickly!

    Before we moved in together I wondered if this would make things more complicated - would he not ever marry me if we''re already livign together? I felt comfortable moving in because I wanted our relationship to progress, and this seemed like the most logical step. I think also it was important to me to try living together before getting engaged because in my last relationship we moved in together and almost instantly things went completely sour. So I didn''t want to make that mistake again, and even though I am older at this point, I wanted to make sure I wasn''t making a similar mistake.

    I know he needs to know I''m hurt. When he gets back this weekend from his conference, I''m going to make sure we have another conversation. Asking for a timeline and agreeing on one sounds like a reasonable thing to do. That''s not an ultimatum, it''s reasonable and negotiating. So thank you for that suggestion.

    The whole ''place-holder'' ring is a ridiculous idea. I was a bit hesitant about the whole thing when it happened. I mean, I was 27 for goodness sakes... in my mind too old for a ''promise ring.'' Isn''t that kind of a teenager thing anyways? I had never heard of anyone actually getting one, and the whole idea kind of turned me cold. Maybe it was his way of stalling things, or pacifying me temporarily. I wouldn''t have minded so much if he had gotten me a piece of jewelery, even a ring, if it had been for another finger. It''s on "the" finger, but it''s not "the" ring. And it gets people asking questions. Which is incredibly frustrating!

    What''s my bottom line? I can''t imagine leaving this man. I almost would rather he come out and say "I never want to get married." That might actually calm me down at this point, as strange as that sounds. I would rather be married to him, but if it was long-term as just a girlfriend, I''d rather that then nothing at all. This sounds crazy, but even after almost 4 years, I am amazed and excited to be with him.

    Aurelia
     
  7. ladykemma
    Ideal_Rock

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    by ladykemma » Jul 31, 2006
    "it's time to wear this on my right hand"

    "I have put it away in a safe place to give to our daughter someday"

    "i have put the ring away for a while because it is no longer meeting my needs"

    "what are your intentions?" here are mine"

    "I need more specific than that"

    Per Galateia '"Placeholder' rings are supposed to be temporary, and I've worn it long enough."

    another one: "I have to take off the old, to make room for the new"
     
  8. Aurelia
    Shiny_Rock

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    by Aurelia » Jul 31, 2006
    Lady Kemma,

    Thanks for the suggestions : ) I will keep them in mind for later this week.

    Again, I appreciate your straight-forward candor.... it''s a refreshing change!

    Aurelia
     
  9. firebirdgold
    Ideal_Rock

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    by firebirdgold » Jul 31, 2006
    Welcome to the LIW''s! [​IMG] Don''t worry about sounding upset, I think most of us have had hysterics here, I know I have! [​IMG]

    Ok, first off: Take off the bl@@dy ring!! Or just switch it to your right hand.

    Secondly: Do NOT have a rational conversation with him about timelines. You''ve been crying yourself to sleep and he needs to know exactly how you feel. This is not being manipulative or guilting him into something ... this is being honest. TELL him that you''ve feel like you must have done something wrong or that there is something wrong with you that he hasn''t asked yet. If you can''t be honest about your feelings now... well you know what I mean. Keeping this stuff locked up inside all the time isn''t doing any good for you or your relationship! Granted doing it constantly isn''t terribly good for a relationship either.
    Besides, this is exactly the right tact to take with a guy. You''re saying that there you feel like there is something wrong with you rather than accusing him or attacking him. Go ahead and cry. Men are total idiots about this stuff, he probably has no idea how you are feeling and will never figure it out unless you tell him in no uncertain terms.
    There is a good chance that he is really thinking about it and may even being doing something.

    Good luck![​IMG][​IMG]
     
  10. ladykemma
    Ideal_Rock

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    by ladykemma » Jul 31, 2006
    i think you would be fooling yourself if you settled for living together, too. why such low expectations?
     
  11. bee*
    Super_Ideal_Rock

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    by bee* » Jul 31, 2006
    I agree with the others, first and foremost, take off the ring! In Ireland, Ive never heard of any one with a promise ring and my understanding of it is something you give when you''re young with the intention of when you get a bit older you will get engaged. I would be really p*ssed off if my boyfriend gave me a promise ring after we were living together over the age of about 24. Why not just get the engagement ring if he wants to be with you forever. I would definitely tell him exactly how you feel, dont give him an ultimatum but get him to discuss dates and I think getting a timeline is a good idea.
     
  12. galeteia
    Brilliant_Rock

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    by galeteia » Jul 31, 2006
    Er, actually I have a promise ring.

    We decided to get one after I was distressed at the idea of being seperated for 15 months with no proposal and no e-ring. It was too soon for us to get an e-ring and get engaged, not to mention that we couldn''t afford it. I was trying to explain my reasoning to my mother "I want some tangible reminder of our commitment to one another and the fact that he loves me, that people can see... blah blah..." and she said "You mean you don''t want an ''Invisible Boyfriend''."

    That was it, exactly. It''s really awkward to deal with people''s questions and try to explain that even though we are filing the fiance/marriage immigration paperwork, we''re not actually engaged yet. This raises some eyebrows. And it''s really annoying to call him my boyfriend, but I can''t call him my fiance yet. When people ask about the ring, I explain it''s a promise ring with his and my birthstones to placehold until he can propose with the ''real'' ring. No one has seemed to find this funny or odd. I''m 25.

    But back to your situation, Aurelia; I think ladykemma''s advice to take off the ring is brilliant. It''s a subtle but distinct statement. ''Placeholder'' rings are supposed to be temporary, and you''ve worn it long enough.

    And it is time to let it out around him. He might be happy idling along with stop-gap measures, but you aren''t, and it''s time he sees what his inaction is doing to you. Timelines are great. I don''t mind wearing my promise ring because I know when it will be replaced by the real one.

    And welcome![​IMG]
     
  13. Fancy605
    Brilliant_Rock

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    by Fancy605 » Jul 31, 2006
    Oh, Galateia, your situation is so unique that I don''t see how anyone could possibly think of looking down at the two of you for having a promise ring! The only time I think they are "lame" is when some college-y guy gives his college-y girlfriend one because he is still too college-y to be engaged, but wants his girlfriend to shut up about it for a little while and in the mean time not break up with him and find someone who isn''t too college-y to get engaged. It is a whole different ball park for you.

    Anyway, Aurelia, you do not sound desperate or pathetic. You just sound like you went into a situation (cohabitation) with certain expectations, and you have been let down. There are people out there who are simply desprate to marry someone (whoever is willing to ask will do), and that''s a bit on the pathetic side, but you aren''t like that. You want to marry the guy that you are in love with and currently living with, and that is totally acceptable and even wonderful.

    To me it seems like if you are already living together and sharing expenses and everything else, then you practically are married anyway, and the ceremony is only a technicallity.

    Good luck conversing with him. I hope it goes well and doesn''t errupt into an argument. It can be hard approaching someone with deep feelings when you don''t know how they line up with his.
     
  14. Aurelia
    Shiny_Rock

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    by Aurelia » Jul 31, 2006
    Galateia, I''m sorry if I offended you in some way. I read some previous threads of yours and realized you and your boyfriend are very far apart and won''t be able to be together for quite some time. In your case, a promise ring sounds lovely! But for me, since we''ve been living together for more than a year and a half, and have always been in the same city, and are a bit older, it''s just not quite cutting it!

    So ladies, the ring is now on my RIGHT hand. I''ll see how that goes for a few days before completely taking it off. I''ve changed its meaning a bit by moving it, so we''ll see...

    Lady Kemma, you asked why I have such low expectations? I suppose much of that is low self esteem on my part, as well as two previous horrible relationships that ended up becoming abusive. Whether the low self esteem allowed the abuse, or whether the abuse intensified the insecurities I have, is not exactly clear, but when I met my current boyfriend, I was really not in a good spot at all. Let''s put it this way - we first met in a coffee shop across the street from the ER where I''d gone to have my broken jaw checked out... I was waiting for a friend of mine to gather some clothes from my apt and she was taking absolutely forever. So this absolute knight in shining armor comes in and makes sure I''m doing okay (he was from the ER, though not my doctor), and saw that I''d left alone. Nothing romantic, nothing sleezy, just wanted to be sure I had somewhere to go, and money for a cab.

    So from the start, while we were friends for the few first months, I was amazed that this handsome, intelligent, sweet and gentle man was taking any interest in me at all. When we ended up going on our first actual date almost 7 months later, I was still in shock. The self confidence is certainly coming back, and I know that I deserve to be with him - but part of me just is grateful for having met him and being able to spend my life with him. He''s certainly been incredible in his ability to make me blush - don''t worry, he makes me feel absolutely lovely... and makes me feel loved and cared for. I guess I just don''t want to lose him after this long by pushing too hard for engagement. I''m happy to be with him and thank God that we met. He has made my life something happy once again.

    I''m not sure if any of this is making sense, and I can''t quite believe I just wrote all that, but sometimes you have to explain the past to make the present make any sort of sense.

    Thank you all - Fancy, and Galateia, Lady Kemma, Ephemery, IndieJones, and Bee... you''re making me feel much better : ) Good to know there are people out there who know the feeling of waiting... and wondering!

    Aurelia
     
  15. galeteia
    Brilliant_Rock

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    by galeteia » Jul 31, 2006
    D''oh! I didn''t mean to give the impression I was offended or anything (I''m certainly not!) just that you and bee both wondered aloud (in print?) who gets a promise ring at this age, and I wanted to pipe up and say "Hi, my name is Kate, and I have a promise ring."[​IMG]

    In part my point was that in some circumstances a promise ring is okay-- in my case, it practically has an expiry date on it! This only highlights why a promise ring is not okay in your case, IMHO.[​IMG] It would seem your FF is using the promise ring as an excuse not to get a move on with the real ring. I would hazard a guess that maybe his male brain registers the current finger real estate as ''good enough for now'' and doesn''t notice the lack of an e-ring as much as we ladies do!

    I''m glad that you''ve got a two-part approach to adressing this problem; both the removal of the promise ring and discussing the problem with him. Sometimes, even though it''s true, the advice just to ''talk to him about it'' can feel like one of those ''easier said than done'' situations.

    Keep us posted!
     
  16. RoseAngel04
    Brilliant_Rock

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    by RoseAngel04 » Jul 31, 2006
    First off Aurelia, I’m sorry that you have been bawling your eyes out and crying yourself to sleep! Nobody should have to go through that. I agree with the others and yourself that if you both are already living together, have stable jobs, and finances then I don't really understand what the hold up is either. Is it possible that he is nervous [​IMG] about the commitment that marriage brings?

    I am another who has a ring given by my ff. We don't refer to it as a promise ring, it's a beautiful ring with pink sapphires and diamonds that I do wear on my left ring finger. To us it basically is a symbol that I am with the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with (aka "taken"). We do both plan on getting engaged/married when our "ducks are in a row." Hopefully it will be within the next year?! (We are college students, and no we are NOT in that category Fancy described).

    All I really want to say about the whole taking the ring off thing is that I would NEVER personally do that with the intention of trying/hoping to speed up the process. I do understand that Aurelia's situation is much different than mine, but my ff would be so hurt and angry if I suddenly took my ring off hoping it would speed the process to engagement. Now, Aurelia since you are calling yours a "place-holder" ring, then maybe the best thing is for you to move the ring to the right hand AND explain to him that you feel that the time is right for the engagement ring. I would definitely talk things over with your bf and let him know how you feel. I don't recommend taking the ring off completely b/c I honestly think that could only bring anger/frusteration[​IMG] for your bf.
    Good luck..and welcome![​IMG]
     
  17. Aurelia
    Shiny_Rock

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    by Aurelia » Jul 31, 2006
    Roseangel,

    I understand your concern about the possibility of taking the ''place-holder'' ring off. By the way, this was always his term - he said he didn''t want to use the phrase ''promise'' ring...

    I guess to me, it''s just that either I''m a serious girlfriend or I''m a fiance. I don''t like this whole... you''re somewhere in between girlfriend/fiance... The ring was also given to me on my birthday, so I think it''s reasonable to think of it in that light as well, and wear it on the right hand.

    My boyfriend is out of town for the week, so I won''t have a chance to talk this out with him until Saturday. I talk to him on the phone each night, but this is certainly not a phone conversation! I think he might be upset when he sees that I''m not wearing it on the left hand, but I think it''s important too that he understand that I''m not okay with how things are currently. It was a temporary fix, and that was over a year ago. So I need some sort of update on where everything is headed. I don''t think me moving the ring to the other hand indicates anything other than this sense of frustration and need for clarification. It''s not like suddenly me moving the ring means I feel like I''m ''back on the market'' or any less devoted to my boyfriend. We simply need to talk about all of this.

    I think these past few nights have been toughest for me because I''ve also got a lot going on at work, and the boyfriend isn''t home at night to talk about it with. Also, ever get the feeling that you could cry, or not, either way. But then you realize that for a while, you''ve chosen not to cry, just to try to be strong? I guess that''s part of what''s going on with me... and PMS''ing... what a rollercoaster!

    But thank you for your concern RoseAngel - I think it''s true I should be careful how I approach this, and I will be.

    Aurelia
     
  18. galeteia
    Brilliant_Rock

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    by galeteia » Jul 31, 2006
    I think the primary difference in your case, Aurelia, is that your ducks are already in a row, and have been for quite some time. Actually, your current ducks may even be a second or third generation by now...

    There is nothing wrong with having a place-holder/promise ring while one is waiting for said ducks to line up, like in Roseangel and my circumstances. But in your case, your ''promise ring'' has passed it''s expiry date! I don''t get the impression you are trying to speed up or force anything that isn''t already overdue.

    I really hear you (and I think most LIWs do) when it comes to disliking the girlfriend/fiancee limbo. Ick. I think your solution of putting your temporary, place-holding, birthday ring on your RH is a good one.

    Also, it sounds like you''ve got a while before you can talk to him about it, so if you find yourself in a stewing mood, this is a great place for distractions! I usually find that when it comes to problems, once I''ve got a plan of attack, I feel better. Even if I can''t implement it right away, at least I''m not endlessly ruminating on it-- has your decision to switch the ring and to talk to him about it has eased things for you at all? You don''t need to answer.. just curious.[​IMG]
     
  19. Aurelia
    Shiny_Rock

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    by Aurelia » Jul 31, 2006
    Galateia,

    Our ducks are in a row, happily making themselves at home, and on to taking care of great-grandkids!

    Nah, not trying to complain, but we''re settled. So, um, next logical step is engagement.

    Yes, I think moving the ring to the other hand has calmed me down a bit. I think in my head, it''s a way to physically put the problem aside for a few more days before I can have a sit-down with my boyfriend. I''m not sure I could entirely take it off - I''ve gotten pretty attached to it and feel a bit naked without it.

    So I''m going to try to focus on other things this week - like my presentation for work, and repainting our den... amazing how painting can distract you : )

    Aurelia

    Also, is Galateia your name? First/last? What origins? Very pretty!
     
  20. galeteia
    Brilliant_Rock

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    by galeteia » Jul 31, 2006
    I can just see Granther Duck surrounded by his flock of ''littles'' telling them "Believe you me, kids, back in my day, she got the promise ring... yessiree. We had to walk 12 miles up hills in a blizzard to get into that row... Ol'' Jim just got plum worn out in the waitin'' and passed on, rest his soul... ''course by that time yer granddaddy was old enough to take his place..."[​IMG]

    Er. Anyway. [​IMG]

    It''s funny how that first step in a plan can bring such relief. It sounds like your plans to keep busy will do a fine job, especially since they both sound like concentration-intensive tasks.

    My username is actually a figure from Greek Mythology. Galateia was a sea-nymph who was one of Oceanus'' three thousand daughters (no relation to your current brood of ducks) who Homer mentioned by name in the Iliad. She is also in a story involving Polypehmos as her suitor, and lastly was the infamous statue-turned-live-woman carved and loved by Pygmalion.

    I take it Aurelia is your real name? It''s also very lovely-- does it have a meaning? I''m guessing it might have something to do with ''light''?
     
  21. Aurelia
    Shiny_Rock

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    by Aurelia » Jul 31, 2006
    Galateia,

    Yes, my name is Aurelia. It''s Latin for "gold" or "gilded." It''s the female version of Aurelius (like Marcus Aurelius).

    My mom was a history-buff and loved Roman history...

    Aurelia
     
  22. ladykemma
    Ideal_Rock

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    by ladykemma » Aug 1, 2006
    i like the idea of calling it your birthday present ring.
     
  23. hopefulheidi
    Shiny_Rock

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    by hopefulheidi » Aug 1, 2006
    Aurelia...
    Holy cow, I''m almost living the same thing except I''m a bit younger and we''ve been together a bit longer. Our 5 year anniversary is coming up this month; I''m 25 he''s 27; we met in college and moved to TX together 4 years ago and bought our first house 3 years ago. For awhile it really felt like things were moving along quickly and then they just stalled the heck out. There was "discussion" after "Discussion" about a potential proposal and it always ended up with him giving one excuse after another and me getting tired of all the dischord.

    This past May we finally had a drop down, drag out, no holes barred, all night long talk and a lot of things came out into the open. All the times he came up with a reason why he hadn''t yet proposed (e. g. "Need to save more money" "Not ready for marriage" etc etc) he was actually saying he wasn''t yet ready to marry ME. At the time I probably knew that was the truth but it was the last thing I wanted to hear so I bought into the lame excuses. It wasn''t that he didn''t love me; he was honestly scared. His parents have the perfect relationship that''s impossible to replicate, and a number of his friends are UNHAPPILY married. There''s a lot of pressure and uncertainty surrounding marriage in this day and age. In the end, we did a lot of conversing that particular evening and we honestly almost broke up. Somehow we didn''t though and faced with the reality of losing each other, it made us realize just how much love there was between us.

    If you can believe it, we had a follow up talk this past week and he''s finally actually really and truly ready to start ring shopping. He even took me to look at rings on Sunday and it was HIS idea. There was no pushing nor prodding on my part and it felt absolutely amazing.

    I have no doubt you''re feeling a lot of the same things I was feeling: Sadness, resentement, unhappiness, doubt. It seems impossible for us women to comprehend the idea that a man can be with us for so many years and make so many "commitments" to our lives together without being ready to take the final plunge but apparently it''s not all that uncommon.

    While I wish I had some sneaky ways for you to push things into motion, in the end it seems that patience is the only thing that helps in the situation. There were times when I totally lost my sh*t over this situation, but I knew he was the one I wanted and I stuck with it. Granted I''m not yet engaged, but things are looking a heck of a lot more promising than they did just a few months ago.

    I really hope your boyfriend gets his butt in gear!

    ~Heidi
     
  24. bee*
    Super_Ideal_Rock

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    by bee* » Aug 1, 2006
    Sorry Galateia, I hope I didnt offend you about the promise ring-we dont have them at all over here and that was just the impression that I got of them from American tv.
     
  25. galeteia
    Brilliant_Rock

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    by galeteia » Aug 1, 2006
    Ulp! No no, I wasn''t offended at all! [​IMG] I just wanted to give y''all an example.

    I agree it is an uncommon thing and usually rather juvenile. I would not feel okay with having one for any other reason. My FF and I jokingly call it by a very crude (but amsuing) name, and it signifies to us and onlookers that I am ''taken'' with an engagement pending in (checks watch) 14 months, 20 odd days, and way too many hours... and I like having a ring to gaze at while Ol'' Jim and his Duckie Friends are lining up.

    Every time I use the words ''promise ring'' my FF does a double-take because we usually refer to it by it''s politcally incorrect term. [​IMG]
     
  26. ephemery1
    Brilliant_Rock

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    by ephemery1 » Aug 2, 2006
    I had never really known anyone in "real life" with a promise ring, pre-Pricescope. In Gala''s case, where people are asking questions and "raising eyebrows" about the immigration stuff, I think it makes complete sense to have some tangible symbol of their commitment (and something unique like birthstones)... especially when they are neither financially nor logisticallly prepared (not living in same location, and lots of other expenses right now!) to do the actual engagement quite yet. But someone on PS recently gave his girlfriend a beautiful, 3/4-carat diamond solitaire as a "promise ring" and I was genuinely surprised... if I were the girlfriend, I can imagine getting pretty tired of constantly having to correct people with "no, we''re not actually engaged." Seems like it would make the LIW stage even harder!

    Aurelia, I think you''re making a sound decision in moving the ring to your right hand at this point in your life and relationship, and I''m glad you''re feeling a little better because of it! [​IMG]
     
  27. biokatie
    Rough_Rock

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    by biokatie » Aug 2, 2006
    Wow, that is depressing me...that is what I picked out for the real deal :)
     
  28. galeteia
    Brilliant_Rock

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    by galeteia » Aug 2, 2006
    No kidding! That''s a little bigger than my ''ideal'' stone size! Not to knock that couple, but I personally would be uncomfortable with having a promise ring that was so e-ring-ish. My promise ring, while pretty and meaningful, doesn''t look anything like an e-ring. And I notice people''s eyes bounce from my promise ring to my other naked fingers, to see if I am just a ''ring wearer''. I don''t wear much jewellery aside from a man''s watch and some nearly invisible ''keeper'' earrings that I''ve worn forever, so it''s fairly obvious that my promise ring is Something Important.

    Recently at work I helped a girl who had a -1 ct solitaire in white gold, and as I tried to avoid drooling all over my keyboard or asking her the specs (PS influence, anyone?[​IMG]) we chatted about her engagement and my story. Nothing screams ''engaged'' like a solitaire diamond on the left hand, IMHO.

    Plus, I don''t want to miss out on the novelty and thrill of having a diamond aka engagement ring on my hand. I wonder if having a diamond promise ring would lessen the fun of having a diamond official e-ring?

    Just random thoughts... [​IMG]
     
  29. IrishAngel7982
    Brilliant_Rock

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    by IrishAngel7982 » Aug 2, 2006
    First of all, where has she been? Haven''t seen her around much...Anyway, since we''re on the topic, I admit a bit of jealousy over that lucky lady. My e-ring will undoubtedly be a 1/2 carat rb that belonged to M''s grandmother. In fact, I think my first ever post on PS was a thread whining about it at 3am because on my huge size 7 finger, 50 points looks like a pebble. Instead of telling me I''m a brat, you ladies gave me some setting suggestions such as a halo which I love, but I don''t think is reasonable since I work with special education students now, and after my master''s I''ll be an early childhood special ed teacher. I can''t imagine banging that ring around and making sure to not get paint in between all the tiny prongs. Ok, mini vent there (I seem to be doing a lot of that lately.) Point being, I''d give anything for a 3/4 carat e-ring, let alone a 3/4 ct promise ring. Lucky lucky girls!!!!
     
  30. aussiegirl23
    Shiny_Rock

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    by aussiegirl23 » Aug 2, 2006
    Yeah, not sure where she went... but I''ll admit some rather serious envy about that promise ring! [​IMG] Somehow I never even think twice when I read threads about women upgrading later, after marriage, etc... to something absolutely magnificently huge, but this seemed a tad extravagant to me? Everyone of course has their own situations and means, but wow, I was a bit floored by that one. Made me feel a bit small... ahh well...

    Back to the normal world [​IMG]

    Aussiegirl : p

    BTW: Aurelia, you mentioned that your ''place-holder'' ring is a rather inexpensive lab-created sapphire (goodness, dare we utter those words on here?)... But I think I''m getting the sense that this isn''t the issue right? Just wanted to make sure we weren''t missing the point. I mean a 3/4 carat diamond ''place-holder'' ring would be bugging you just as much, right?? Just trying to clarify things for myself!

    Hugs to the girl with a beautiful name! Aurelia is my favorite character in ''Love Actually...'' just never heard of anyone else with it for a name!
     
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