I''m finally asking for some personal advice on PS!

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 6/30/2009 10:04:57 PM
Author: purrfectpear
T-guy needs to get over his hangups. I don''t have any problem with the two of you having your own hotel room, but this ''no sex'' if someone else is in the house is ridiculous. Tell him if he''s old enough to get married, and old enough to be a daddy, he''s old enough to have discreet sex. It''s not like you both have to yell like banshees.....................oh wait, is that it

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 6/30/2009 10:04:57 PM
Author: purrfectpear
T-guy needs to get over his hangups. I don''t have any problem with the two of you having your own hotel room, but this ''no sex'' if someone else is in the house is ridiculous. Tell him if he''s old enough to get married, and old enough to be a daddy, he''s old enough to have discreet sex. It''s not like you both have to yell like banshees.....................oh wait, is that it

You got me, I mean, er, him!!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

TGal, tough one. I would stay in the apartment and have sex in the privacy of your own bedroom. I agree TGuy needs to get over it.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 6/30/2009 10:51:29 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
TGal, tough one. I would stay in the apartment and have sex in the privacy of your own bedroom. I agree TGuy needs to get over it.

He probably does. My guess is that there will be no time since he will end up hanging out with his parents most of the night. Not intending to, but of course he misses them too. Which all goes back to whether I should just stop being selfish and let it be.

I''ll take everyone''s advice an mull. I''m sure I will figure out something that hopefully works.

 

[HollyS]

The game plan you have outlined, and everybody has agreed to, is perfectly all right.

1) You need couple time with the hubby. You''re parents of a little kiddo. You deserve this.

2) You ARE inviting his parents to spend time with you two. (You''re a wonderful DIL to care this much, BTW.)

3) They arrive when you do, so you''re gonna need some down time without them. Especially if you normally would feel a responsibility to ''entertain'' your inlaws -- keeping them busy, making them happy.

I''m with the DH though; I would never do (cough) certain things with others around. Nah. Can''t picture it happening.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 6/30/2009 10:49:31 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 6/30/2009 10:04:57 PM

Author: purrfectpear

T-guy needs to get over his hangups. I don''t have any problem with the two of you having your own hotel room, but this ''no sex'' if someone else is in the house is ridiculous. Tell him if he''s old enough to get married, and old enough to be a daddy, he''s old enough to have discreet sex. It''s not like you both have to yell like banshees.....................oh wait, is that it

You got me, I mean, er, him!!

Dude, that''s SO easier said than done. Wow. I''m not disagreeing, but seriously...any audible movement from the in laws could kill the mood right quick. Just sayin''.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 6/30/2009 11:08:44 PM
Author: HollyS
The game plan you have outlined, and everybody has agreed to, is perfectly all right.

1) You need couple time with the hubby. You''re parents of a little kiddo. You deserve this.

2) You ARE inviting his parents to spend time with you two. (You''re a wonderful DIL to care this much, BTW.)

3) They arrive when you do, so you''re gonna need some down time without them. Especially if you normally would feel a responsibility to ''entertain'' your inlaws -- keeping them busy, making them happy.

I''m with the DH though; I would never do (cough) certain things with others around. Nah. Can''t picture it happening.

Thanks Holly. Where ya been!

And Mon, so true!

 

[HollyS]

''Thanks Holly. Where ya been!''

Exile.

A brief respite. A reevaluation. A new outlook.

 

[Linda W]

Date: 7/1/2009 12:17:11 AM
Author: HollyS
''Thanks Holly. Where ya been!''


Exile.

A brief respite. A reevaluation. A new outlook.

Holly, I was wondering where you have been too. Glad you are back.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 7/1/2009 12:17:11 AM
Author: HollyS
''Thanks Holly. Where ya been!''

Exile.

A brief respite. A reevaluation. A new outlook.

Reading Love & Respect again? Hehehe.

Nice to have you back Holly!

 

[perry]

Tgal:

From the moment I read your original post I thought that not only do you need your own hotel room - but that you should not spend every day with them.

I am glad that others picked up on that second part as well.

You and Tguy needs to have at least sevearl days alone together (and perhaps more than that).

I can see spending several full days with your inlaws - and perhaps meeting for lunch or dinner and perhaps a specific activity on a few other days; but the rest of the time you and Tguy needs to be on your own vacation and your inlaws needs to be on their vacation.

For me - and Ideal split would be: 3 days fully together; 3 days totally apart; 3 days partly together.

Also, unless you all share the same morning and evening hours and habits - I''d avoid the concept of agreeing to meet most morning for breakfast or most evenings for a late dinner.

I am sure that with the proper explaination that your inlaws will not only understand - but will also have a great time as well.

Best of luck with your trip.

Perry

 

[atroop711]

DON''T CHANGE YOUR PLANS...stop the guilt and stay at a hotel. I know how guilt can control us...(I feel guilty a lot too). As a mom of 3..I know how precious ALONE TIME is. Take your alone time. You need that time with TGuy and you need to reconnect (snort

)

His parents will be with you ALL DAY LONG during your time there..that''s ENOUGH!

DON''T GIVE INTO GUILT....repeat that when you feel guilty

 

[janinegirly]

I actually only wandered here to congratulate you on 10000 posts (how did you do it? I post tons and it''ll stil take me a decade .

Anyway, figured I''d offer my 2cents since you never ask for advice! I think you should stick with your current plan for many reasons, but the main one being TGUY. I guess my view is it''s best to not get in the middle of family stuff, and so long as this is what TGUY wants (and by the sounds of it you--just with some guilt), let it be. The boundaries are important as you say.

Good luck, sounds like a wonderful trip.

 

[TravelingGal]

Thanks again to the new advice! I think I am going to go with the flow. If she insists on sharing, we''ll have that discussion but for now we''ll book separate hotel rooms.

Janine, I have no idea how I got to 10K. I feel like it took forever...maybe because I don''t post a ton looking for advice? Hee.

 

[sbde]

tgal, another naysayer here...sorry!

from what i gather, you and tguy have datenight every week (so awesome that you do this btw!), have babysitting help from your mom pretty regularly and have amelia in bed early every night. plus you''re taking that trip together so there really is PLENTY of opportunity for you and tguy to have alone time for some lovin''.

tguy''s parents rarely ever see their son, and they must really miss him. i would suck it up and share the apartment. if you are in separate bedrooms, the "downtime" of the trip will mostly happen in separate bedrooms. i find that most of the catching up and just TALKING happens during the downtime of any family gettogether, rather than over a meal, activity or in a hotel lounge area. if you had a shared common area like you would in an apartment, most of the real catching up/spending QT together would happen there, no?

sorry, just offering another perspective!

 

[simplysplendid]

Hi, I didn''t run through the pages of responses. How about finding lodgings in a hotel for all, with a room for you and Tguy and another for his parents?

 

[mrssalvo]

Date: 7/1/2009 1:34:28 PM
Author: sbde
tgal, another naysayer here...sorry!

tguy''s parents rarely ever see their son, and they must really miss him. i would suck it up and share the apartment. if you are in separate bedrooms, the ''downtime'' of the trip will mostly happen in separate bedrooms. i find that most of the catching up and just TALKING happens during the downtime of any family gettogether, rather than over a meal, activity or in a hotel lounge area. if you had a shared common area like you would in an apartment, most of the real catching up/spending QT together would happen there, no?


sorry, just offering another perspective!

my first reaction was to say stick to the plan and get your own hotel room for many of the reasons so many other mentioned. But, the more I thought about it the more I agree with sbde. When we have family get togethers I always love staying with relatives or having them stay here because most of the quality conversations do happen in the downtime, once the kids are all in bed or after dinner when everyone is just hanging around. You and TGuy just need to try and do a little less quality talking and more nooky when you''re at home together.

I do think that the 2 hotel rooms would be absolutely okay too and if it''s something you really want though.

 

[somethingshiny]

I haven''t read all the responses so forgive me if I''m repeating.

Initially I thought "why on Earth would you want to spend that much time with his parents?"" BUT, When will Tguy get to see his parents again? If it''s something he wants to do and (i''m assuming) he sees them only occasionally, I''d share the apartment. I think putting your sex life ahead of Tguy''s relationship with his parents is going to backfire sooner or later. He may resent you for it, they may resent you for it, it just has so many possibilities of turning out badly. And, think of the little things that Tguy would love if he was with his parents. Maybe mom used to cook breakfast and he and dad would watch the news together, maybe the high point of the day was cracking a beer with is dad in the afternoon, or taking a walk first thing in the morning with them. Don''t take away those moments. He may never get them back.

Worst case scenario for staying with his parents; No nookie or quiet nookie. For Pete''s sake, you live together, you''ll get more opportunities for "quality time" without sacrificing others.

Personally, I''d probably grab a hotel for a night or two during the stay or more likely hit a backroad for some action and stay with the parents.

 

[anchor31]

9 days living with the in-laws? I would go nuts!

Honestly, stick to your plans. It''s not like they''re not going to see Tguy at all if you stay in separate hotel rooms... It''ll just be less awkward. Have fun in Australia!

 

[TravelingGal]

OK, I should fess up.

The nookie thing is not the biggest issue (it is one, but not the biggest). It''s nice, but as you say, we do get quality time, although we don''t get to vacation much without Amelia.

The biggest issue for me is being with someone all the time who is TALKING all the time. The same stories. I hear these stories all the time. Sometimes multiple times in a sitting. From the moment I am awake with them, I''m "on." I can''t shut my brain off because TGuy and his father don''t participate so I''m constantly in conversation. After about 3 days, I''m at breaking point. TGuy and I laugh about this because he fully admits he and his dad zone her out...it''s what they''ve always done, so that isn''t going to change.

But I''m considering sucking it up because it''s not anyone else''s fault that I''m an introvert and can''t handle someone talking to me ALL DAY LONG. I''m just wondering how I am going to get peace and quiet on vacation if we''re in the same apartment. If they wanted to spend time with HIM, I''d be all for it, but all the conversation flows my way. As I mentioned before, I can''t even escape! When I visited them 2 Christmases ago, I used my pregnancy as an excuse to go into the room to lay down for 15 minutes at a time to relax my brain. Honestly, it hurt from all of that conversation.

I''m a wimp, I know. Truth is out!

 

[Mrs]

Tgal,

Can you ask Tguy to help you out and maybe have a "rescue me!" code word or something that you can say to him? I know it can be hard to interrupt a story midway (even if you HAVE heard it 5 times before) but if you can just say, "Oh! [Insert MIL''s name}, hold on one second, {insert Tguy''s name} did you remember to XYZ today?" And he''ll know that he needs to chime in and say something to give you an excuse to leave the conversation. Does that make sense? I''m probably not conveying this well - sorry! mommy-brain prevents me from communicating very succinctly these days!

That, or perhaps you just need to honor your need for a little space and trust that she will also. Stopping her chatter midway to say, "I''m so sorry but I''m feeling a little jet lagged - would you mind if I excused myself for a few minutes to lie down?" I know this is easier said than done since I myself am not good at it when my MIL is jabbering BUT my DH tells me to do that when I need to. She would probably appreciate you taking that time when you need it so that you can be more fully engaged in the conversation later. make sense?

Mrs

 

[rainwood]

Separate hotel rooms. Seriously. You don''t have to be an introvert to get tired of a talker. My sister''s MIL is very sweet, but a non-stop talker and I can only take it for so long and I''m an extrovert. And if TGuy and his dad are the strong silent types, there''s no reason the burden of listening should fall on you 24/7 for 9 days. That''s just asking for trouble.

T Gal, if this was someone else asking for advice, you''d know exactly what to say and you''d tell them "Separate hotel rooms. Everyone will be happier. Stop overthinking this." Take what would have been your own advice! Sydney in September will be fabulous. It''s one of the best cities in the world so don''t ruin because of some weird guilt trip you''re giving yourself.

 

[hlmr]

Date: 7/1/2009 5:45:11 PM
Author: TravelingGal
OK, I should fess up.

The nookie thing is not the biggest issue (it is one, but not the biggest). It''s nice, but as you say, we do get quality time, although we don''t get to vacation much without Amelia.

The biggest issue for me is being with someone all the time who is TALKING all the time. The same stories. I hear these stories all the time. Sometimes multiple times in a sitting. From the moment I am awake with them, I''m ''on.'' I can''t shut my brain off because TGuy and his father don''t participate so I''m constantly in conversation. After about 3 days, I''m at breaking point. TGuy and I laugh about this because he fully admits he and his dad zone her out...it''s what they''ve always done, so that isn''t going to change.

But I''m considering sucking it up because it''s not anyone else''s fault that I''m an introvert and can''t handle someone talking to me ALL DAY LONG. I''m just wondering how I am going to get peace and quiet on vacation if we''re in the same apartment. If they wanted to spend time with HIM, I''d be all for it, but all the conversation flows my way. As I mentioned before, I can''t even escape! When I visited them 2 Christmases ago, I used my pregnancy as an excuse to go into the room to lay down for 15 minutes at a time to relax my brain. Honestly, it hurt from all of that conversation.

I''m a wimp, I know. Truth is out!

Okay, now I can totally relate!! I am usually okay until day four or five, and then I need some down time, some quiet time in my head. Is it possible to take a full day half way through this trip, and be completely alone with TGuy? Does the wedding fall in the middle of it, and will his parents be there as well?

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 7/1/2009 6:00:55 PM
Author: Mrs

Tgal,

Can you ask Tguy to help you out and maybe have a ''rescue me!'' code word or something that you can say to him? I know it can be hard to interrupt a story midway (even if you HAVE heard it 5 times before) but if you can just say, ''Oh! [Insert MIL''s name}, hold on one second, {insert Tguy''s name} did you remember to XYZ today?'' And he''ll know that he needs to chime in and say something to give you an excuse to leave the conversation. Does that make sense? I''m probably not conveying this well - sorry! mommy-brain prevents me from communicating very succinctly these days!

That, or perhaps you just need to honor your need for a little space and trust that she will also. Stopping her chatter midway to say, ''I''m so sorry but I''m feeling a little jet lagged - would you mind if I excused myself for a few minutes to lie down?'' I know this is easier said than done since I myself am not good at it when my MIL is jabbering BUT my DH tells me to do that when I need to. She would probably appreciate you taking that time when you need it so that you can be more fully engaged in the conversation later. make sense?

Mrs

LOL, don''t think I haven''t tried all this.

She''s honestly understanding and fine. I just don''t like it that I''m not more accommodating because, really, what''s a couple of weeks out of my life?

I just have very little patience with being with someone (other than my husband) for long stretches of time. Hence why I started traveling on my own in the first place.

Rainwood, that''s the thing...I''m not sure what advice I''d give to someone in my shoes, but again, I''m overthinking.

 

[rainwood]

TGal -

You''re giving yourself mental swirlies! It''s okay not to want to spend 9 full days with your MIL. It''s not a personality defect.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 7/1/2009 6:14:14 PM
Author: hlmr

Date: 7/1/2009 5:45:11 PM
Author: TravelingGal
OK, I should fess up.

The nookie thing is not the biggest issue (it is one, but not the biggest). It''s nice, but as you say, we do get quality time, although we don''t get to vacation much without Amelia.

The biggest issue for me is being with someone all the time who is TALKING all the time. The same stories. I hear these stories all the time. Sometimes multiple times in a sitting. From the moment I am awake with them, I''m ''on.'' I can''t shut my brain off because TGuy and his father don''t participate so I''m constantly in conversation. After about 3 days, I''m at breaking point. TGuy and I laugh about this because he fully admits he and his dad zone her out...it''s what they''ve always done, so that isn''t going to change.

But I''m considering sucking it up because it''s not anyone else''s fault that I''m an introvert and can''t handle someone talking to me ALL DAY LONG. I''m just wondering how I am going to get peace and quiet on vacation if we''re in the same apartment. If they wanted to spend time with HIM, I''d be all for it, but all the conversation flows my way. As I mentioned before, I can''t even escape! When I visited them 2 Christmases ago, I used my pregnancy as an excuse to go into the room to lay down for 15 minutes at a time to relax my brain. Honestly, it hurt from all of that conversation.

I''m a wimp, I know. Truth is out!

Okay, now I can totally relate!! I am usually okay until day four or five, and then I need some down time, some quiet time in my head. Is it possible to take a full day half way through this trip, and be completely alone with TGuy? Does the wedding fall in the middle of it, and will his parents be there as well?

I think it will be OK. I just hate to be the one who suggests it. In fact, I don''t need time away then WITH TGuy...I am fine leaving him with them and striking out on my own. But I think sometimes that looks...well, bratty. It probably IS bratty. I''m thinking of saying that I might want an afternoon to do some things on my own because I miss that travel alone feeling. I have to be honest about stuff like that because my MIL will actually volunteer to come along with me if I say otherwise.

Like I said, she''s a sweet woman. Kind of funny actually...when I was pregnant and visiting them, I had a day where I just needed the alone time, especially since TGuy was under some stress and took it out on me. I walked to the mall which wasn''t far (it was probably about 90 degrees out). I LOVED having the time in a nice, air-conditioned place. I didn''t even shop (I am not a shopper). Just walked around or sat and people watched.

Well, against the advice of TGuy and FIL who told MIL to leave me alone, she apparently came looking for me. I know she was just worried and wanted to make sure her DIL and future grandchild were OK, but when I ran into her, I just said, "Mum, I''m fine. I''m just going to enjoy some time alone if that''s OK." She didn''t look like she liked the idea but did leave me alone. That is the one and only time I asked her to point blank leave me be.

To this day, I do appreciate how much she cared about me and worried. Many MILs wouldn''t give a sh*t. Which is why all the guilt. What''s more important? My sanity or her short time with us? The good Asian daughter in me says she is more important. I still probably need to overthink this a bit more!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 7/1/2009 6:26:10 PM
Author: rainwood
TGal -

You''re giving yourself mental swirlies! It''s okay not to want to spend 9 full days with your MIL. It''s not a personality defect.

LOL, I know!

 

[hlmr]

Date: 7/1/2009 6:26:19 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 7/1/2009 6:14:14 PM
Author: hlmr

Date: 7/1/2009 5:45:11 PM
Author: TravelingGal
OK, I should fess up.

The nookie thing is not the biggest issue (it is one, but not the biggest). It''s nice, but as you say, we do get quality time, although we don''t get to vacation much without Amelia.

The biggest issue for me is being with someone all the time who is TALKING all the time. The same stories. I hear these stories all the time. Sometimes multiple times in a sitting. From the moment I am awake with them, I''m ''on.'' I can''t shut my brain off because TGuy and his father don''t participate so I''m constantly in conversation. After about 3 days, I''m at breaking point. TGuy and I laugh about this because he fully admits he and his dad zone her out...it''s what they''ve always done, so that isn''t going to change.

But I''m considering sucking it up because it''s not anyone else''s fault that I''m an introvert and can''t handle someone talking to me ALL DAY LONG. I''m just wondering how I am going to get peace and quiet on vacation if we''re in the same apartment. If they wanted to spend time with HIM, I''d be all for it, but all the conversation flows my way. As I mentioned before, I can''t even escape! When I visited them 2 Christmases ago, I used my pregnancy as an excuse to go into the room to lay down for 15 minutes at a time to relax my brain. Honestly, it hurt from all of that conversation.

I''m a wimp, I know. Truth is out!

Okay, now I can totally relate!! I am usually okay until day four or five, and then I need some down time, some quiet time in my head. Is it possible to take a full day half way through this trip, and be completely alone with TGuy? Does the wedding fall in the middle of it, and will his parents be there as well?

I think it will be OK. I just hate to be the one who suggests it. In fact, I don''t need time away then WITH TGuy...I am fine leaving him with them and striking out on my own. But I think sometimes that looks...well, bratty. It probably IS bratty. I''m thinking of saying that I might want an afternoon to do some things on my own because I miss that travel alone feeling. I have to be honest about stuff like that because my MIL will actually volunteer to come along with me if I say otherwise.

Like I said, she''s a sweet woman. Kind of funny actually...when I was pregnant and visiting them, I had a day where I just needed the alone time, especially since TGuy was under some stress and took it out on me. I walked to the mall which wasn''t far (it was probably about 90 degrees out). I LOVED having the time in a nice, air-conditioned place. I didn''t even shop (I am not a shopper). Just walked around or sat and people watched.

Well, against the advice of TGuy and FIL who told MIL to leave me alone, she apparently came looking for me. I know she was just worried and wanted to make sure her DIL and future grandchild were OK, but when I ran into her, I just said, ''Mum, I''m fine. I''m just going to enjoy some time alone if that''s OK.'' She didn''t look like she liked the idea but did leave me alone. That is the one and only time I asked her to point blank leave me be.

To this day, I do appreciate how much she cared about me and worried. Many MILs wouldn''t give a sh*t. Which is why all the guilt. What''s more important? My sanity or her short time with us? The good Asian daughter in me says she is more important. I still probably need to overthink this a bit more!

You are a very thoughtful and insightful DIL, TGal, and I am sure you will find a balance between the two. Also, I find that a glass or two of red wine helps to keep the relationship on track!

They also know that you were TGal long before you were Mrs. TGuy, so venture off for a day and see some sights, relax and enjoy.

 

[HollyS]

You don''t need to ''fess up'' with me, my dear. I would loathe having to be the constant focus of my MIL''s attention and be her conversation buddy each time we visit. As it is now, I have to get up and walk through the halls of her retirement complex and hide out in one of the small parlours to breathe and regroup - - and I''m not nearly as involved as you will be.

But, I wouldn''t let hubby get away with ''zoning her out'' and leaving me to entertain Mom. He''d have to break that habit. I''m just sayin''.

 

[cakeny]

I may have said this to you before (or maybe i just thought it as I lurk and read your posts) but TGAL, I think you may have my life and also my inlaws. Hope I didn't just freak you out.

All kidding aside, my really MIL is a sweet lady. She is also a TALKER. DH and FIL? also tune her out. She also has 2 other sons (DH is oldest of three) so when I came into the picture, she was thrilled to have a gab companion. They are visiting us in 2 weeks (staying with us in the apt

and I am really looking forward to it, but am a little anxious nonetheless.

I don't have anything new to add to what all the other smart ladies have already said, but I think you are taking the right approach by going with the flow (or as much "going with the flow" as our korean-ness allows us .

Good luck and have a great great time!!

ETA: Just saw your other thread, congrats!